She's moved out, now what?

[Sckott]

You guys seem to give great advice, so I'm going to give mine a shot...

 

We met online, she and I dated quite comfortably for a little while. She once confessed to me that she wasn't attracted to me. Then I kissed her, and a couple was born.

 

After about 9 months of a LOT of dating, I invited her to move in. After she thought it over, she did. Besides, I owned my own place, and we were basically joined at the hip. Why not??

 

We really became domesticated. I cooked, she cleaned, her cat was our "child". We were always good at entertaining each other. We decorated the place. We were our own best friends. Even some awkwardness vanished in a short amount of time. We had a very calm family life with a lot of benefits we shared with each other.

 

Until her birthdays came. Suddenly, she mentioned some personal issues that I thought were small beans, but I guess they weren't. "I hate myself, my body, and I want to move away." It happened on her 39th and 40th birthday. Even when we came back from GREAT times! The first time I thought we had rectified things and moved on, but by 40, she was serious about it. We cried a LOT. After much talk and struggling, I helped her move out and she even contemplated breaking up, but instead suggested counciling. She now lives only 20 minutes away, she's going to school to further her career, working full time too.

 

We're basically happy, but I miss her very much. We really had something sweet, and it's gone. We're coming into year number 3 come February. The relationship persists and we see each other regularly, cuddle, spend overnights at each other's places. We're back to how we courted, but we're having sex, dinners, some family time. Here's my feelings. What do you think:

 

1. I've talked it out with her and the therapist, I feel since I've been caught with nothing I can do, I would like an emotional commitment if this relationship gets older. She mentioned she wants us to "get closer" instead of just moving on, but I'm a tad worried about the stagnation of the relationship AND going to counciling. I want us to get back together, possibly within a year.

 

2. Are we wasting our time, or can this possibly turn into a higher love?

 

3. How can we get things back together? Anything I can do?

 

Thanks.

[Owl]

I don't understand her issues....they're all unrelated. What does the last one have to do with the first two? Why does she have that "move out" in there at all? Not enough information so far to give any kind of guesses on what's going on.

[Sckott]

I'll elaborate, but I just didn't want it to be too lengthy.

 

She told me that her 1st boyfriend broke up with her on the same day her parents physically split up. To boot, because she was a fairly intelligent teenager and her siblings and parent's were rough blue-collar types, neither wanted to take her.

 

This seems to be the big thing.

 

OTOH, it's shocking because we've really had a healthy, happy relationship until the split somewhat. When she lived with me, I gave her a private room to give her "space".

 

Now I'm wondering quite a lot, but I still love her very much. Donno.

[strange love]

Ok

 

Well heres my take your girlfriend has some insecurity issues. Lots of cuddles is good.

I doubt she is going anywhere.

Im no therapist (although I play one on tv sometimes lol) I feel like she had a fear of you breaking up with her, and having to look for a place and all that jazz. So this seperate place adds to her security.

 

You know I was on date with a girl this evening. And she would be termed as a geek but let tell you she was very cute. I told her so and she said that meant alot to her as she has a certain image of herself. I dont know how often you tell her that she looks pretty but she may need to hear it more often.

There may be other things you are doing to trigger it. My ex needed to be told things sometimes 10 times in a conversation. Sometimes its just the tone of your voice or the way that you say it.

 

I mean moving out doesnt need to be the end.. breaking up doesnt need to be the end. Man I have been in so many rougher spots then this. In fact I moved out from my ex cause I just needed my own space sometimes.. thats another thing. What caused me was her being very smothering at times and well dumb little things. Does this have anything to do with her moving out?

 

Not sure if any of this of use to you, maybe you have more of the story to tell.

 

strangelove

[Sckott]

I suppose in my situation things are not all a loss.

 

We're spending time together, she's calling and talking more and more, we seem better. I've always felt that moving in was a milestone in our relationship and that we did well in bringing things closer in less than 15 months. However, I think that with counciling we need to take on what puts us at a distance in times of severe closeness as when we were living together. I always gave her space and freedom, let her have her opinions, take control when she wanted, took control when she wasn't sure.

 

Recently, she's had bad dreams of old girlfriends coming "to take me away" and I see her wanting to spend more time. I've given her a lot of space.

 

The holidays are helping and we're finding intimacy to be a better thing. The only thing that bugs me is that I felt we had more fun and could do more when we were living together. This distance isn't fun, and I don't know what's to become of it, but it looks good for now. The move was only November.

 

 

I suppose all is not lost, but I feel kinda lonely in these questionable moments. The question of when to ask her back, how long should we date and hang, is this healthy, etc....