Rebound for Ex? How to cope?

[TryingToFigureItOut]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and hoping that I am posting this in the right place! Sorry this will be really long, hope you will all read it

 

My ex and I were together for almost 2 years and were very much in love. We both have had bad pasts in regards to relationships and when we found each other, everything fell into place and just flowed perfectly. We both knew we were eachother's "the one" and both said it to each other a few times.

 

Halfway through the relationship I started to doubt the relationship only to later find out that it had nothing to do with the relationship but my own insecurity issues. The few months I doubted it was enough for him to begin to doubt it. We started to have problems from that point but stayed together for almost one more year trying to make it work because we wanted to be together. In that time his insecurity and fear issues came out as well, and it eventually led to our breakup in January. Our breakup was mutual but it was extremely emotional. We both cried uncontrollably and said we loved each other so much and hopefully one day we will get back together. We immediately went into NC.

 

We exchanged a few texts from January until June, mainly happy birthday text messages and me asking to pick up my stuff from his house in May. Then in June we run into each other. Everything came back for the both of us, and I come to find out he hasn't been with anyone else and neither have I. We meet the next day to discuss everything and agreed we both need time apart to grow as individuals and that we both still loved each other and missed everything and that we are setting ourselves up for a better future relationship. We did sleep together that night. The next three months I saw him once and the same emotions came up, followed by the same conversation. It was around his friends too so I wasn't a big secret. We talked a few more times.

 

In early September I get a text from him after not speaking for about a month. He said he was thinking of me and was "drunk enough to text me" and wanted to see how I was doing. We talked for a bit about our night, what we were doing, told the other to be safe and went on our way. A few hours later he texted me again asking if I was still up, we talked for a bit, and at the end of it he asked me to come over. I said no, that I didn't think it was a good idea, that we would mess up any chance we had for the future, and he kept insisting. I said no. Haven't heard from him since and I find out three weeks later that he got into a relationship with a teenager. He is 23. I also find out that he and this girl were hooking up on and off for 2 months prior to the start of their relationship, meaning when he text messaged me.

 

I was extremely angry but maintained my cool and haven't spoken to him since that text in September. He knows I know and his friend told me the night he found out I knew about this girl he was acting strange, as if something was really bothering him.

 

I have started dating, mainly to get my mind off of it all and to also move on for my life because I realized if I ever want to grow I need to have more experiences, and if we are meant to be together it won't happen for awhile. I am very close with a couple of his very good friends (who for the most part agree with me and don't think this will last for him and her) and told his friend that I have started to date. I guess he told my ex, and then my ex decides to ask his other friend who is still friends with me how I am doing. I guess I came up in conversation and my ex said "so how is she doing?" and his friend said I was doing fine and my ex says "yeah I heard that she is dating some guy now, well thats good I'm happy for her". For me it all sounded forced.

 

It's been about a month into his new relationship and I guess he took her to Disneyworld for the weekend for her birthday. His own friend said it was an "overwhelming gesture" and I feel as though it's an overcompensation. He never had to over spend like that on me to justify his feelings or the relationship, and I almost feel like the whole relationship is forced, just like a rebound. His friend told me that up until the hooking up with this girl started, my ex was on and off depressed, as well as would go back and forth whether he wanted to call me and work things out now.

 

My question is, is this a rebound? And how do I cope with this/am I coping with it the correct way by not talking to him whatsoever? I just know that when he was with me he really matured, and from what I've heard he really let himself go when we broke up and didn't know what to do really. I think he may have gotten sick of feeling upset so he had to go for the first girl who flirted back with him to fill the void.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

Anyone? I would really like some opinions

[Mariposa10]

Hmmm, I think this is the result of not doing NC correctly. You shouldn't be wondering if he has a rebound or not because form what I read you don't really want to have a relationship with this guy, at least not right now.

 

My advise for you is to just stop contact, and start living your life. Ask his friend or your friend to not tell you anything about your ex. It just messes up your life.

 

I don't think things will work out between your ex and the teenager, but you shouldn't even be asking about it. Do your own thing.

 

I don't know if I get this, do you want to be with him yes or no?

[TryingToFigureItOut]

Hmmm, I think this is the result of not doing NC correctly. You shouldn't be wondering if he has a rebound or not because form what I read you don't really want to have a relationship with this guy, at least not right now.

 

My advise for you is to just stop contact, and start living your life. Ask his friend or your friend to not tell you anything about your ex. It just messes up your life.

 

I don't think things will work out between your ex and the teenager, but you shouldn't even be asking about it. Do your own thing.

 

I don't know if I get this, do you want to be with him yes or no?

 

Yes I do want to be with him but I want him to work on himself like I have. The day after we ran into each other and went on a walk to talk about everything, he seemed like he had matured being on his own for awhile, and I personally believe my growth is due to the fact that I have not been in a relationship with anyone to hold me back from growing. Basically I am still in love with him and want to be with him, but I want him to grow up first, accept the mistakes he made in our relationship, and fix them or at least be on the road to fixing them. He has acknowledged some of the mistakes he did make, which is good. I just feel as though being with this girl is a step back for his growth or at the very least halts it.

 

So essentially yes I do want to be with him but I don't want to jump back into anything quickly if the opportunity arises. I would want to essentially start a new relationship with him, if that makes sense.

[Mariposa10]

Yes I do want to be with him but I want him to work on himself like I have. The day after we ran into each other and went on a walk to talk about everything, he seemed like he had matured being on his own for awhile, and I personally believe my growth is due to the fact that I have not been in a relationship with anyone to hold me back from growing. Basically I am still in love with him and want to be with him, but I want him to grow up first, accept the mistakes he made in our relationship, and fix them or at least be on the road to fixing them. He has acknowledged some of the mistakes he did make, which is good. I just feel as though being with this girl is a step back for his growth or at the very least halts it.

 

So essentially yes I do want to be with him but I don't want to jump back into anything quickly if the opportunity arises. I would want to essentially start a new relationship with him, if that makes sense.

 

 

yes, it does make sense and I applaud you for your maturity!! You sound like a very mature person. Kudos for not going to his house when he called you too.

 

I think you just gotta let time do its thing. Has he talked about wanting to get back together?

[TryingToFigureItOut]

yes, it does make sense and I applaud you for your maturity!! You sound like a very mature person. Kudos for not going to his house when he called you too.

 

I think you just gotta let time do its thing. Has he talked about wanting to get back together?

 

Thank you! And yes knowing what I know now, if I had gone there I would have felt ten times worse now knowing that he was hooking up with that girl too. Do you think him asking me to come over at the time he did was more of an insult on her than me? At first I thought it was an insult to me, but looking back on it now it seems more of an insult on her, that he was still thinking of me whilst seeing her.

 

We haven't spoken about it since the last time we saw each other which was a few months ago. When we did talk about it he said that he felt we were on two different pages now, but that we need time apart to grow and maybe one day in the future we will be back together. He said we need more experiences and that if we got back together now that we would screw it up the second time around and he didn't want to put me or himself through that. Everything he said implied that it was wrong timing and that he saw me as the girl he wants to settle down and marry, but that he wasn't ready for that. I think when he said we were on two different pages he meant that I was mentally ready to settle down more than he was..

 

Edit: I forgot to mention that since that conversation we had, his friend told me that my ex really started getting depressed/upset/indecisive over whether he wanted to actually work it out with me now. He would go back and forth, "do I call her now..no I can't" and so it was as if he was essentially forcing himself to not do it now. Which is why I feel as though this relationship is forced, like he was tired of feeling that way hence he had to be with someone else to fill the void, to not feel that way anymore, etc.

Edited November 10, 2013 by TryingToFigureItOut

[Mariposa10]

Thank you! And yes knowing what I know now, if I had gone there I would have felt ten times worse now knowing that he was hooking up with that girl too. Do you think him asking me to come over at the time he did was more of an insult on her than me? At first I thought it was an insult to me, but looking back on it now it seems more of an insult on her, that he was still thinking of me whilst seeing her.

 

We haven't spoken about it since the last time we saw each other which was a few months ago. When we did talk about it he said that he felt we were on two different pages now, but that we need time apart to grow and maybe one day in the future we will be back together. He said we need more experiences and that if we got back together now that we would screw it up the second time around and he didn't want to put me or himself through that. Everything he said implied that it was wrong timing and that he saw me as the girl he wants to settle down and marry, but that he wasn't ready for that. I think when he said we were on two different pages he meant that I was mentally ready to settle down more than he was..

 

Edit: I forgot to mention that since that conversation we had, his friend told me that my ex really started getting depressed/upset/indecisive over whether he wanted to actually work it out with me now. He would go back and forth, "do I call her now..no I can't" and so it was as if he was essentially forcing himself to not do it now. Which is why I feel as though this relationship is forced, like he was tired of feeling that way hence he had to be with someone else to fill the void, to not feel that way anymore, etc.

 

 

Yes, it was more of an insult to the other girl. I feel sorry for her actually. I feel like he just has her to have someone, maybe for sex?

 

I think you're were doing everything right. Sounds like he is super confused. What's the best thing to do with someone like that? Leave them alone. He has to come to terms with what he really wants. Otherwise you two will suffer again.

 

I'm happy to hear that you know this is probably not the best time to get together, so just keep that in mind. Let time do its thing.

 

I hope you get more feedback from other people!

[TryingToFigureItOut]

Yes, it was more of an insult to the other girl. I feel sorry for her actually. I feel like he just has her to have someone, maybe for sex?

 

I think you're were doing everything right. Sounds like he is super confused. What's the best thing to do with someone like that? Leave them alone. He has to come to terms with what he really wants. Otherwise you two will suffer again.

 

I'm happy to hear that you know this is probably not the best time to get together, so just keep that in mind. Let time do its thing.

 

I hope you get more feedback from other people!

 

Thank you, I appreciate your feedback and I hope you and I are both right since our opinions seem to be the same.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

Anyone else's feedback or opinions would be appreciated as well!

[j.gman]

Wow, what's with all the stalking. You need to back off.

Your ex's relationship is his problem, not yours. When you do NC it should be about

improving yourself and becoming a better you, not about trying to get your ex back.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

Wow, what's with all the stalking. You need to back off.

Your ex's relationship is his problem, not yours. When you do NC it should be about

improving yourself and becoming a better you, not about trying to get your ex back.

 

I'm not stalking. I was essentially made part of the situation up until one month ago by him. And after one month ago I was told the rest of the information from others, I'm not stalking.

I did use NC to grow and improve myself, to which I have. I am just asking for feedback on the situation.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

So a slight update on my story, didn't want to create a whole new thread for this.

 

Haven't gotten a chance to post this but last Friday I went out with some friends. After going out we decided to go out for a very late dinner at a 24 hour cafe. We were seated on the opposite side of the side that faces the entrance to the cafe and the two sides are separated by a wall that goes up halfway so you can look over it to the other side. My friend and I were seated and about half an hour later my other friend shows up. About 10 minutes later I turn to my right and I see my ex's head popping up over the wall as he stands up. I was not fully sober so I immediately jump up to walk over there and walk past the front to grab his attention and as I walk by I notice he is trying his hardest to not look over, and saw his gf was with him.

I walk to the bathroom, my friend follows me in there, calms me down, and we walk out within 1 minute. They had already left.

 

We walk back to the table and my friend tells me when she walked in she did not see him. We didn't see him either and where he was sitting we would have seen if they were there when we initially walked in. What we concluded is that he walked in after my friend came in, saw me over the wall, sat and realized he couldn't do it, probably made an excuse to leave and left. And especially if they had already left by the time we had left the bathroom. We were only in there for 1 minute at the most so when we got out, they should have been paying for their food. And even when I walked past where he was I saw his table there was no food on the table. So they never got a chance to even order before he decided he wanted to leave.

 

The only thing that I got from that is that if he was fully over me and our situation, that he would be able to sit in a restaurant knowing I was there without having to leave, especially if a wall was blocking us from each other. And especially because he knew I hadn't seen him when he initially saw me. I feel like that solidified me thinking he is forcing himself to not feel what he truly feels now.

 

Any opinions?

[2fargone]

I have an opinion: Stop trying to 'think for him'. What he thinks or feels you don't really know, unless he flat out sais it. His behaviour points to 'confused' at best. Wich is why you have to leave him alone.

 

 

Don't keep on reading into things and focussing on him.

[strive]

If you're still too fixated on him, it means that you haven't grown as much as you think you have. You're still holding on to the "someday we'll get back together." Fix yourself first. For real this time.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

Thanks for the opinions and you both are right. I just have to let time take its course and see what happens instead of putting words in his mouth.

[Simon Phoenix]

So a slight update on my story, didn't want to create a whole new thread for this.

 

Haven't gotten a chance to post this but last Friday I went out with some friends. After going out we decided to go out for a very late dinner at a 24 hour cafe. We were seated on the opposite side of the side that faces the entrance to the cafe and the two sides are separated by a wall that goes up halfway so you can look over it to the other side. My friend and I were seated and about half an hour later my other friend shows up. About 10 minutes later I turn to my right and I see my ex's head popping up over the wall as he stands up. I was not fully sober so I immediately jump up to walk over there and walk past the front to grab his attention and as I walk by I notice he is trying his hardest to not look over, and saw his gf was with him.

I walk to the bathroom, my friend follows me in there, calms me down, and we walk out within 1 minute. They had already left.

 

We walk back to the table and my friend tells me when she walked in she did not see him. We didn't see him either and where he was sitting we would have seen if they were there when we initially walked in. What we concluded is that he walked in after my friend came in, saw me over the wall, sat and realized he couldn't do it, probably made an excuse to leave and left. And especially if they had already left by the time we had left the bathroom. We were only in there for 1 minute at the most so when we got out, they should have been paying for their food. And even when I walked past where he was I saw his table there was no food on the table. So they never got a chance to even order before he decided he wanted to leave.

 

The only thing that I got from that is that if he was fully over me and our situation, that he would be able to sit in a restaurant knowing I was there without having to leave, especially if a wall was blocking us from each other. And especially because he knew I hadn't seen him when he initially saw me. I feel like that solidified me thinking he is forcing himself to not feel what he truly feels now.

 

Any opinions?

 

My opinion is that you are completely overanalyzing a situation that's not that big of a deal. You have no idea what he's thinking -- he could have already ordered, finished his meal and paid. He could have seen you and decided he didn't want you to confront him and make an awkward scene. He might have mentioned to his girlfriend that you were there and she might have wanted to leave. You don't know, so stop trying to solve the Matrix or divide by zero.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

My opinion is that you are completely overanalyzing a situation that's not that big of a deal. You have no idea what he's thinking -- he could have already ordered, finished his meal and paid. He could have seen you and decided he didn't want you to confront him and make an awkward scene. He might have mentioned to his girlfriend that you were there and she might have wanted to leave. You don't know, so stop trying to solve the Matrix or divide by zero.

 

Honestly while I agree with you, I feel like my over analyzation comes from the fact that I am confused just as much as he is, hence with his actions the past 10 months.

[Simon Phoenix]

Honestly while I agree with you, I feel like my over analyzation comes from the fact that I am confused just as much as he is, hence with his actions the past 10 months.

 

This response is confusing. I have no idea what you are trying to express here. All I'm talking about is you trying to use a secret decoder ring to analyze something that isn't that big of a deal.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

This response is confusing. I have no idea what you are trying to express here. All I'm talking about is you trying to use a secret decoder ring to analyze something that isn't that big of a deal.

 

I'm saying I am over analyzing because I am confused about the general situation that I am in. Not specifically on what happened last weekend but the entire situation as a whole, which I wrote about in my first post on this thread.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm saying I am over analyzing because I am confused about the general situation that I am in. Not specifically on what happened last weekend but the entire situation as a whole, which I wrote about in my first post on this thread.

 

You're broken up, he's seeing someone else. That's pretty much it. Anything else is you overcomplicating things unnecessarily.

[2fargone]

You are assuming alot.... Like his new gf being a rebound to start with. You don't know that, you're just taking on the general assumption because it suits you.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

I know the only thing I have left to do right now is let it go and see what happens in the future. I have to treat it as if it isn't a rebound relationship whether it is or not, and continue to move on not only for myself but also to make myself look better and not act like I am still holding on.

 

A friend of mine whose ex is my ex's sister called me last night and said he had dinner with my ex's sister last night and they mentioned me for a bit and she said that my ex "seems happy" with his new girl and that his new girl "is young but she's cool" and said that she is really happy that I'm doing well and wants to reach out to me one of these days to see if I want to grab coffee and catch up.

 

I personally think that's strange because I only ever really became close to her through my ex since she was his sister, but I know that I have to remain strong if I do meet up with her and to act as if none of this phases me in the slightest.