common or separated account in the relationship of two people

[very-confused-girl]

Hello everybody,

 

I have a question and would like to know your opinion. Do you think that partners when they have very serious relationship or when they decide to get married should share their money? Should they have common account? I mean I dont have a problem with my boyfriend being tightass or anything like that just nowadays the trend in the world is such that people dont trust each other any more, they do write some pre-matrimonial releases or sometimes they are not even acknowledged how much money the partner is getting per month etc...

 

My parents have been together for more than 20 yrs married and they do have common account. Wages of both my mom and dad go to this account and none of them have his/her little personal accout besides it.

 

My boyfriend told me that in his first relationship when he was still a student but he had occasional jobs he was sharing his money with his girlfriend. They always put the money together. He said he wouldnt maintain the same concept ever again as lot of his other exgirlfriends were very much into money and were milking him a bit.

 

Nowadays he has very good money and I am still a student so he pays for everything and eventhough I didnt feel comfortable with that at the beginning, I got used to it but one day when I have a proper job I want to change it.

 

What I am trying to say is that my parents have common account and I cant imagine not having the same concept in my future marriage. I dont agree with writing these stupid pre-matrimonial releases. I understand some people feel need to protect their money but when you marry someone it is obligation for life, you do marry somebody for deeper reasons than just money, so what are people worrying about?

 

I mean do you require to have common account in serious relationship or when you are married? Do you think it is ok if wife and husband have separated accounts? Let say if I marry my boyfriend in the future shall I hold against him in case he wanted to have separated accounts?

 

Thanks for your opinions.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by very-confused-girl

What I am trying to say is that my parents have common account and I cant imagine not having the same concept in my future marriage. I dont agree with writing these stupid pre-matrimonial releases. I understand some people feel need to protect their money but when you marry someone it is obligation for life, you do marry somebody for deeper reasons than just money, so what are people worrying about?

 

I mean do you require to have common account in serious relationship or when you are married? Do you think it is ok if wife and husband have separated accounts? Let say if I marry my boyfriend in the future shall I hold against him in case he wanted to have separated accounts?

 

Thanks for your opinions.

 

My exhusband and I had a shared account and, on the advice of my parents, I had my own cash management account and shared a checking/savings account with my mother. Which was a good thing. He fooled me the entire 3 years we were together and while I was ill for 3 months he used my social security number and transferred over $10,000 of his credit card debt into my name, then took his name off the joint credit cards that we had. After we divorced I learned that this debt was considered my responsibility and I had no legal recourse to recoop the debt. It has ballooned up to almost $13,000 with interest since I can barely make the minimum payments.

 

I will never, ever, share my money with a man again.

 

Money is probably the number one source of conflicts in relationships. Keeping separate accounts is a good way to avoid that issue.

[very-confused-girl]

I understand your view but thats exactly my point - u would never share money with anybody ever again but this is what I am talking about. People are fearing beforehand even before they enter a relationship. But this is not how it should be. If people are getting married because they love each other, they should trust each other enough and take the risk to share the account eventhough they can burn themselves afterwards.

 

I just dont understand why would people fear beforehand and protect themselves and have separated accounts. So why the hell they are marrying each other if they already dont trust each other from the beginning?

[Owl]

I've been married for 17 years. When I first met my wife, she was getting food stamps, and so she bought the food and I bought the rest of the items needed to run the house. That lasted until we got married, and we've had a joint checking and savings account ever since. She manages the money (not very well at times, but there ya go), and while we're not rich, I can't remember the last time my kids were cold, hungry, or nekkid!

 

We've always talked about how the money should be spent, and if there wasn't enough for some luxury item, there has never been an argument. If I want something expensive for myself, I'll start putting a little money back each payday until I can get it. $20 here, $20 there, adds up to a nice pair of boots or something in six months. I don't hide it from my wife, and she knows I do that. There have also been times when I've pulled that little bit of money out when we've had an emergency or something. I've even managed to get my WIFE something expensive and nice like that a couple of times too.

 

You CAN do the joint account thing...if you REALLY trust and love someone enough to marry them, then the money shouldn't even be a worry by that time. If you've got any doubts...dont get married!!!

[Debster]

My husband and I (even when we were common-law) have a joint account and a joint credit card. We also keep our own separate accounts. I manage the money (for both of us) and give us both an allowance that we can deposit into our own accounts to spend as we choose. That way, we don't have to always ask if we want something and he can buy me stuff without me knowing and vice versa. It is also important for both of us to keep some financial accounts individually. Not because of a potential divorce, but because it maintains our individual relationship with the bank and credit rating. I have heard of widows who were not able to get loans and credit cards because their husband had their name on everything and the bank didn't know who they were for the last 20+ years.

[blind_otter]

I really, really, REALLY wish I hadn't trusted my exhusband when we first married. NO, it's not how it should be, but in the end, you are the only one who can look out for you.

[revlis4891]

Here's my 2 cents on this issue -

 

Money has always been a topic in my family: If there's a big problem, it's either because of bad communication or money issues.

 

Both my mom and my grandmother have had money issues gone bad when it comes to their marriages. My mom got married after three months of knowing my dad (they've been married for 13 years now and are happy.) But about 3 - 4 years into the marriage, she would use her account and her credit line to help him with his business. Things went wrong, they went bankrupt, and now her retirement is screwed and she has to help pay off HIS debt.

 

With my grandma, she got remarried a third time, late in life, thought she was in love, and about 4 years into the marriage realizes it was a mistake. I know this isn't your situation, but it's something to think about. They have a joint account and share everything. Now she wishes this wasn't the case. She had her whole life built up and now has to share her hard earned money with someone she doesn't love. She doesn't want to do anything about it because she's a Christian woman and believes in death till you part, even if she's miserable. Her husband has money in stocks, but doesn't know how much. She has about 5 grand that he doesnt know about. Sounds like a happy, trusting marriage, huh?

 

My personal opinion, seeing how the women of my family have dealt with money situations, is not to have a joint account. I really don't think this will have an effect on the marriage if one thing is met - GOOD COMMUNICATION. You really need to know and trust your man. If you love him and trust him, things will fall into place. Even look at bank statements together, and know who pays what. I guess for me, when I buy things for personal use, I don't want to use my guy's money that he worked hard for and go and buy myself a dress, or get him a nice watch with HIS money.

 

Also, consider compromising, and putting X amount of dollars in a joint account, but have your own accounts that you use for personal use. There's nothing wrong with that. And god forbid something happens, like with my grandmom's situation, you won't feel like your stuck, or that you contributed to something that was HIS problem with YOUR money. It's ok to protect yourself- but just be open and honest with your man and don't keep things from him.

[rtobiejr]

this topic is right on time for me!

 

my fiance recently closed on a house and on monday we opened a joint checking account to pay the mortgage out of and to make home improvements with...

 

we each have separate checking accounts as well...so we arent completely consolidating everything. but i like to think of this as yet another way in which we are joined together...

[very-confused-girl]

Having one joint account and separated little accounts for personal use sounds like a good compromise. But still it is a little bit sad when people have only completely separated accounts when they are married. If you marry somebody you are expressing that you are devoted to this person till the rest of your lives so money shouldnt be an issue here.

 

But actually after 6 months in my relationship with my boyfriend set an account on my name. It is sort of our common account, technically I have access to it and can make payments but I dont use it. The money that comes to this account are only my boyfriend´s and I would never take this money out for my personal use. We set this account because he just wanted another account in a bank where he already has account but he didnt want to have it on his name. The reason of setting this account is that I can make payments for him, paying for example for rent of his flat when he is gone for a while. This account was set about 2-3 months after he had told me he would never share his money half and half with a girlfriend again. So it looks like he has changed his view a bit. I told him that by him setting an account on my name he is expressing some trust in me which makes me feel glad. He replied to me that it is really the case that he trusts me and that he cant imagine doing the same things with some of his previous girlfriends. But I still feel that one day when it is going to come to real disuccion about money and whether to have or not to have a joint account, he would be a bit careful. I mean we have never discussed this concept of having separated or joint accounts and I dont want to have this discussion yet because we havent got into such a serious stage of our relationship yet.

 

But we both come from different countries and after I finish my university we plan to move to Australia where he comes from. My father wants to give me some money - $10.000 as a dowry or sort of dowry because he doesnt want me to leave everything and every expense up to my boyfriend and I would like to use this money for buying our house to live, for example. And I have discussed this with my boyfriend and he told me he doesnt want me to give him this money, that I should keep them, he has enough money to buy the house for us himself. I do feel sad about it because I WANT to give him this money because this will make me feel that we REALLY share something together. If the house was bought only with his money I wouldnt feel that the house is my property.

 

Therefore I think people who are in serious relationships should be sharing everything.

[Teag]

My Husband and I have a joint checking & Savings acct. All our credit cards are mainly in his name but w/ me an authorized user due to the fact my mother ruined my credit before I turned 18. I manage all the money, I keep the checkbook and everything, pay our bills ect... If he did it nothing would get paid, he doesn't know how to manage money AT ALL. This has worked for us so far, We're not at the point yet where we have extra money to spend, we're both just starting out, only been married 2 1/2 yrs. Maybe in the future when we get more established we'll open up seperate accts for our own extra money.

[250r]

We both have completely seperate accounts - always have, always will. The nice thing is that we both make almost exactly the same amount of money so technically we both have the same disposable income for whatever we want. When we want something big - like a TV or couch etc, we both split it 50/50. If one of us doesn't want to split it then the other pays for it all. It has worked really well to this point....

[very-confused-girl]

I dont know how about you all but if my future husband wanted to have completely separated accounts I would feel he needs to protect himself from me somehow and he doesnt trust me enough. In the end of the day people make money in order to feed the family, family is purpouse of their lives so why would they be protecting their money and skimping with anxiety and behave like hamsters when they finally have family and kids?

 

Having separated accounts in marriage is to me almost like saying "one day in the future we are going to split anyway". It is almost like preparation for possible potential break-up. It doesnt make sense to me why would people be preparing themselves for possible break-up beforehand? If you have so much fear you cant set up a marriage!

[revlis4891]

Yeah, I see what you're saying about that ~

 

I really think three accounts are the way to go, and communication: knowing what expenses are going in and out, who's paying for what, and agreeing on big things to buy that you both will share - furnature, TV, whatever. I think that should be in the main account. Groceries could come from this list too. I like the idea of spliting things like that 50/50 too.

 

But, when it comes to getting personal items for yourself, or gifts, or whatever, I'd prefer using my own money. And I wouldn't have a secret stash hidden from my husband that he doesn't know about. That really does seem to communicate a trust issue. From the get go - if you have completely seperate accounts that you don't know how much money is going in and out, or some secret account on the side, I think thats a recipe for disaster.