Loveless21 Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Separated from my husband after almost a decade of marriage and 2 children together. Husband was caught on various swinger websites theoughout the years but always said it was oit of "curiosity" and he never acted on anything. He always posted himself as an unattached male seeking sex.. All very hurtful and i am very loyal so never understood any of it. Most of time was after having child and he couldnt cope with lack of attention. We tried lots of therapy after but i always had it in baxk of my mind he did it and could bettay and hurt me again. Fast forward some time and i pretty much built a wall up to protect myself emotionaly from the pain.. He was always flirting wirh women, telling me he could have ANY women he wants etc but still remains faithful, all of this hirting my already low self esteem.. Then he became obsessed with his ex and again out of "curiosity" had toknow when she had her first child etc.. Recently she got divorced and me and my husband were arguing all the time (mostly financial reasons and him not pulling his weight with shared responsibilities.. Then he told me in therapy he reached out to her about a month ago (this was august time) and wasnt ashamed at all but she was "guiding" him through divorce process.. We ended up separating shortly after and then I find out that 1 week later hes already going out with her... Hes not the most honest guy but he did say they went out a few times but no sex.. Then i guess he got bored of her (hey they broke up ages ago for a reason) and he started telling me he hates her amd told her to fk herself and now she hates him. And he expected me to feel bad for him. He switches off beyween saying hes happy by himself bc im toxic for him.. And then the next day hell say hes so alone, misses me, etc. im obviously betrayed by him hanging out with his ex. Even if they didnt have sex to me going back to an ex is NEVER a good thing, especially when he was obsessed with her for awhile... But then again we have kids.. Is that enuf of a reason to call it quits.. Right now we cant stay in the same room and he is def not what i woukd call a good husband but hes my best friend and i feel so empty and alone. I often wonder if ill ever remarry and i am very young so i dont want to be alone forever.. But then again he has never respected me, we are both verbally abusive to each other and our relationship is def toxic.. So add an ex to the mix and my head us saying its hopeless.. But my heart still misses many things about him.. I am def confused.. How do i KNOW when im making the right decision? Im hoping itll come to both of us at some point but I dont know... Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Infidelity, obsessive and inappropriate behavior, toxic, constant flow of lame excuses, regular 'failed' attempts of therapy, crushing your self esteem...he even pi!@!d off the old ex! Get rid of him, he needs a serious wake up call...you've been more than understanding and tried regular therapy! You deserve a break, a fresh start and happiness. I know it's all daunting but do you seriously want to live like this any longer than you already have SS x 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Agree with Suzie, I know it hurts and you want to have hope.. but once a guy crosses this line, he knows how easy it is to cross and how easy it is to do over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 he has never respected me, we are both verbally abusive to each other and our relationship is def toxic.. That's how you know you're making the right decision. You say you're worried about being alone. You're alone now! Just because someone is physically there doesn't mean you have a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 But then again we have kids.. Is that enuf of a reason to call it quits.. Yes. Yes it is. You have just cause for a divorce and no one will (except maybe his mother) will second guess you or judge you harshly for it. You don't have an effective husband now and if he is cheating on you, threatening you, intimidating you, disrespecting you and not being supportive with the family home and children, then you are better off without him in your life. With him out of your home and life you can focus on you, your children and your recovery and you won't have to worry about what he is going to do to you or how he is going to kick you while you are down next. That's what makes someone "toxic." Someone is toxic when you are better off without them in your life than with them in it. He meets that definition of toxicity. He may still be handsome, charming, tell funny jokes and be able to give you orgasms but when his destructiveness is outweighing his benefits, then it is time for him to go. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 As far as being alone. You are alone now. you simply have a tormentor that is coming into your home and giving you stimulation. When he pokes the stick into your ribs and making you feel pain, that is emotionally stimulating you and are getting a bit of a hormone rush out of it. It's almost like a bit of an addiction. When that tormentor is gone, you will have some moments in the beginning where you will have some withdrawals from the emotional stimulation (which you will interpret as "loneliness") however in a pretty short period of time you will quickly realize that the 'loneliness' is really peace and sanity coming back into your life and you will again be able to experience joy and contentment and satisfaction over things again. When that starts to happen, people will start to take notice of you again and it will be a pretty short period of time before you realize that you are a marketable woman again and you will be out dating again. In time a special one will rise to the top again. Just make sure that one isn't just wash-rinse-and-repeat of the last one. A way to ensure that doesn't happen is go through your grief process and make sure that joy and happiness and self-supportiveness and self-esteem are back in your life again and do not settle for anyone that is not respectfull, compassionate and supportive of you. Don't try to latch on to anyone during the 'lonely' phase in an attempt to fill your own void or to give a fix for your addiction to emotional stimulation or you will be right back in to being tormented by another douchebag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveless21 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Share Posted November 11, 2013 Agree with Suzie, I know it hurts and you want to have hope.. but once a guy crosses this line, he knows how easy it is to cross and how easy it is to do over and over. Ues yes. Agree.... He crossed many many lines and it becomes ezier for him.. I get that.. But i still see him as a friend.. He makes me laugh and yes makes me orgasm very quickly too.. I was raised in an abusive home growing up so my self esteem was always pretty low. This situation made it even worse and that is very painful... When im feeling strong i know i have to move on.. When im feeling fragile and needy i think at least hes someone and maybe i should stay. I am not ready to "lose" his family and be 100% on my own. Its been very difficult lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Ues yes. Agree.... He crossed many many lines and it becomes ezier for him.. I get that.. But i still see him as a friend.. He makes me laugh and yes makes me orgasm very quickly too.. I was raised in an abusive home growing up so my self esteem was always pretty low. This situation made it even worse and that is very painful... When im feeling strong i know i have to move on.. When im feeling fragile and needy i think at least hes someone and maybe i should stay. I am not ready to "lose" his family and be 100% on my own. Its been very difficult lately. Box clever, make your exit a secure comfortable one...set yourself up for leaving then go....what you have described is wrong and unfair. He is toxic and you are deeply unhappy. Rebuild your self esteem, the fact that you know it's low and can see why is a good thing and a place to start to rebuild. SS x Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Loveless, Don't walk out of his life. RUN out of his life. You will never deserve this. No one deserves what he has done and is still doing to you. Yes you have kids I am sure you can arrange him seeing them on weekends but other than that there are lots of men that would pay to have a woman that is faithful. You are sincerely a rare jewel. Wipe away the dirt (You Husband) and shine like the diamond you are. Clay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveless21 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 I dont know. I have mxed feelings about it all.. I know he hasnt had sec with anyone sunce we got married,... Doesnt that mean anything? I get sooo jealous even seeing him talk to other women i cant even contemplate him dating and remarrying.. Its so tough Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveless21 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 Also i dont beloeve there are any "good" men out there.. Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 You have to decide if you are worth more than this. Do you want to continue wondering if and when he might stray? It is obvious that you are worried that he already has. Don't expect him to tell you the truth. Cheaters are by nature liars. I hate to tell you but he is not your best friend, best friends do not prey on your low self esteem. He is counting on your low self esteem to keep you as his plan B. He figures as long as he keeps you down, you won't leave and he will continue to get away with whatever he wants to do. And if you are okay with that fine. But your coming on here tells me that you are not okay with it. One other thing, he also believes that if he keeps you beat down, you will not investigate his extra curricular activities. If you need to know for sure if he has cheated then find out, but you have to decide if you are okay being treated like a second class person. Like clay said you need to shine like the diamond you are and I doubt that will ever happend if you stay with this man. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveless21 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 I already have been wonderjng about his cheating for the past 5 yrs. am i worth it? Who knows.. But i feel so empty wothout him. Have noone to share anything with. Noone else seems to care anout the nitty gritty bullahit of life other than someone you live with. I dont believe he tries to keep me down.. I think its just his anger talking moat of the time. Maybe better to stay with someone and have illusion of relationship.. At least we have great times as a family.. But on my own its just too damn hard Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I was raised in an abusive home growing up so my self esteem was always pretty low. This situation made it even worse... When im feeling strong i know i have to move on.. Also i dont believe there are any "good" men out there.. You probably should leave him, but frankly, I'd stay in the marriage for now long enough to get some individual counseling to help you work through the issues above. There ARE good men and you deserve to have one. You deserve better than you're getting. Use the insurance coverage (if that's your situation). Once you get more clarity, you will find it easier to make decisions about your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hexadous Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Also i dont beloeve there are any "good" men out there.. Don't jump to conclusion quickly "there is no good men out there" is because your nightmare with your EX, life must go on if possible to find a new guy why should you quit now. Just take your time to be more rational. We live in the reality that nothing can change the universe faith also lives is gamble, we do not know what may come only we can try and predict. It just your faith with your EX not really meant together so be fair to your soul that maybe someone out there more deserved you than your EX. Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 There are good men out there... even I know that lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I agree Misadventure - there are good men out there and they are looking for good women like us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveless21 Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 Maybe.. But who says ill ever find one? When im alone i wonder if its worth it to stay.. At least its someone... And i get so jealous thinking he will be with someone else Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 Sweetie, instead of being jealous of him being with someone else,you should be excited it's not you! There are good women and good men "out there". You are just in shock now and it will pass.Somewhere is a good man who will be nervous and excited at the same time when he sees you and "just knows" you are the one. It is so sad to be with the wrong one when the right one or ones go marching on,I know. You'll see things clearer soon and like many of us here,have no choice but to grow stronger and smarter. You will do just that. REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 Oh yeah, I called you "SWEETIE".....this would have lit the STBXWW's rear end on fire if she heard me do that! So that's why I just did exactly that!!!! REVITUP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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