I just emailes the OW....Whats going to happen?

[isthisreallyme2]

Ok! This is my story this is the first time im posting here. I got married when I was 19 and my husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. The first time we had problems was about 2 years ago. He started to have a phone relationship with a girl he met in another state when we were living apart (He was in the Military-we lived apart for a year and a half due to him going on float). He said that him in the girl were only friends but they talked all the time, I mean all the time it got me so frustrated especially when I started to go through his things and started to see text messages and emails they were writing,, it wasn’t just friend talk. I couldn’t believe it. So that was then, he moved out for like two months and then he came back. We were doing good again. But things just got really worse. Every year I go on a girl trip with my friends and he goes on guy trip with his. We usually go the same week but this year we went two separate weeks. He went in the earlier part of the year and I went this summer. To make a long story short. When I went on my vacation he left town to visit a girl in the place where him and his friends went in the earlier part of the year he stayed for 10 days. I knew nothing of these plans and he didn’t tell me. I was so mad when I got back. We talked and he said that we need to be separated. I keep asking him if he wants a divorce and he says no, I m not even thinking about that. He says that we just need time apart. He doesn’t know whats going on. I keep asking him if he loves me still he says yes. I say are you in love with me I get silence. What the heck is going on. I asked him if he loved the girl he said no, he said he does like her. Also, I asked if they had sex he says no. I don’t believe him.

 

Its been a month now and he comes home when he wants we still do things and he still calls everyday to see what Im doing. I don’t know what to do. I love him and want to be with him but, I keep thinking about him having sex with her. He has never did anything like this before this was so low. He keeps saying he was an a**h*** for going but he still continues to talk to her.

 

The one good thing I like is this girl is thousands of miles away and when he’s here hes mine. Well sort of mine, I dont know who else hes talking to here. Man, I kind of feel like I don’t know him. We were/are so close. I thought I knew everything.

 

I don’t want to make it sound like Im an angel or anything but I have never cheated on him while we were married. He does complain that im too controlling and that I nag a lot and he doesn’t want to continue his life like that. The thing I don’t understand is, does he not realize I don’t like to nag and be controlling. It his actions that cause me to, Agh, it really annoys me. We have accomplished so much over the years and have been so many places (no kids ). He says he hasn’t been happy for a while. And if he was happy he would not talk to other females (e.g this girl and the other one from 2 years ago).

 

I know I can’t make a person happy if they don’t want to be. But I just wish we could work things out. He doesn’t want to do counseling, but he has recently started to go to church with me two weeks ago. I was really excited. I wonder if there is hope. I don’t want to give him up because we still have a lot together and he still pays for everything. I do have a good job and can live by myself but I just feel we are one and should have everything together.

 

When I ask him if he wants to be with me or her. He says it’s not that and she has nothing to do with our situation. I think he is full of bull. What do you think?

 

I originally wrote this message about three months ago.

 

I finally emailed the girl that is far away. My husband asked why? Hes home all the time we are togther? I told him it killed me to know he was still talking to her even though he doesn’t see her. O, does that bother me. He claims he will just stop talking to her cold turkey. I don’t think that is going to happen so I took it upon my self to just email her to tell her that he is married. Do you think I did the right thing? He said she didn’t know he was married.

 

Now its one day later and hes acting like nothing happened? Agh, that so bothers me.

[indigo_moon]

It's all extremely screwed up an dysfunctional. You don't have a "marriage", you have a farce. What I can't figure out is, why are you putting up with his lies and half truths and continued communication with some other woman? Don't give this crap "but I love him"........to truly love someone, in a healthy way, the way true love is supposed to be, you have to respect the person, and know that they respect you. He obviously doesn't respect you or your marriage..........and how can you respect a guy who's acting like this?

 

That's fine you emailed this other chick and informed her that he's married.......she's not the problem, he is. He's the one who's married to you, who made the lifetime commitment to be faithful and true to you, not her.

 

So you've found out now, from this emailing, that she wasn't aware that he's married..............so what does that tell you? He's been lying all along to her, not admitting he's married. He's a dog and a pig.........and if you continue to remain with someone who's having this type of "relationship" with another woman and you remain with him, sorry but you get what you deserve. You have all the facts and information before you. He's not husband material. He's not emotionally faithful to you..and I doubt very much that he's never slept with her (or someone else)..........don't be naive. wake up and smell the coffee. Don't be a clingy, desperate woman who puts up with dishonesty and unfaithfulness from a spouse.........that's weak and a waste of time.

[NiCoLe20]

wow he told you that he likes her?? if i wouldnt of heard that i would've flipped out on him!! if he's already admitting he likes another woman, doesnt that make u feel like crap? i wouldnt put up with it. why not leave him for a while and take time off and see what happens? granted, you shouldnt have to do that in a marriage but seems like you guys need ur space for a while, ifnot then permanently. i wouldnt be with someone who admits they like another woman, who goes on vacation to see her, and talks to her all the time? hell no, you deserve better then that. you said you guys married young...maybe you just grew apart?? it happens...and sometimes for the better... these are all signs telling you he's not the one... i'd get out of it before its too late and ur older w/ kids and a single mom. he says u nag him and stuff...well i would too but men dont like that... that might be pushing him away but still, he's doing you wrong. i say get out of this marriage b/c he may be cheating-u havent found out about that yet...and wouldnt you want to avoid all that heartbreak?

[Moose]

That's fine you emailed this other chick and informed her that he's married.......she's not the problem, he is. He's the one who's married to you, who made the lifetime commitment to be faithful and true to you, not her.

 

Ditto.

[sylviaguardian]

Wow, I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Maybe it would have been better if you'd got your husband to e-mail her and not you, but I can totally understand where you're coming from.

 

Now, that's she's out of the way it's time to try to work things out with him. It really does seem that he's doing whatever he wants to. You have to make him see that you are not prepared to accept a relationship on those terms and start talking about why he's doing this.

 

Good luck,

Sylvia

[Owl]

Very sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. I'm sure you've probably read a lot of the online information about affairs, but if you haven't, check out marriagebuilders.com. Good resources there.

 

Obviously your husband is showing all the classic signs of an affair... What you need to do is to stop, and give some serious thought about this. Do you WANT to mend your marriage if possible, or is it time to end it?

 

He'll never admit to any more than he possibly has to...that's exactly what happens in an affair. And bluntly, there isn't going to be much at all you can do to rescue your marriage as long as he's having any kind of contact at all with her. He's going to have to end it with her completely before he can start to "re-find" the feelings he's got for you. Take it from someone who's been in a similar situation.

 

Honestly, maybe you should consider kicking his butt out on the street until he gets his act together...he may go to her, that is a risk. Or he may not...but you need to decide on what you want to do at this point, and you need to start making things crystal clear to him that he CAN'T have the both of you....in any way fashion or form! (Maybe you should ask him to consider what his life would be like with you completely removed from it...not friends, not anything. THAT is one of the things that finally ended my wife's affair...the thought of TOTALLY losing me...she was in a fantasy that her and I would end up as friends while she was with him!!!).

 

Good luck!

[Leaf]

As others have said, kick him to the curb. I am telling you that he IS talking to her. My xMM told his wife the same thing. "She Will be in my life" <-- talking about me... WHAT?!?! I swear this is an addiction to these men. They Cannot stop. My xMM has called me AT THE RISK of his Marriage, he trys to write me, blah blah.. I've told him Goodbye.. he doesnt get it.. He told his W that he wants to fix there relationship.. BUT HE IS STILL PURSUING ME! Telling me to "be patient."....

 

They cant stop lying... Is that what you really want?

[isthisreallyme2]

Thanks guys for all your opinions. Really deep down I want to just grab him by the neck and say what is your problem. We talked and he says " Im so stupid, y do you want to stay with me" " I know your probabley asking for a new Husband for Christmas" Blah, Blah, Blah. Last night we had his firends over and we had a really good time. I just dont understand it. I just dont know what to do this girl is all the way in Argentina and I am here with him.

 

She still hasnt written me back, I doubt she ever will and he said that she didnt write him back either. He's probabley lying. I dont know.

 

I ask myself whats next. can this thing be straighted out. I asked him if he felt we grew apart and he says he thought we did for a while and thats how we got into the situation we are in now. He says sometimes when I nag it just gets him so upset. I dont mmean to do it. He also claims that he is going to stop contacting her, he says it again and again, you guys dont think so huh?

[Owl]

Of course he's not going to stop contacting her...he's got nothing to lose to KEEP contacting her. He's got the best of both...a GF who's out of country most of the time, so no issues keeping her seperate from you. And he's got you...someone who'll never leave him no matter how stupid he becomes.

 

The only reason he'll make a change is to 1. preserve something that he's about to lose...you, or her. Or 2. a rogue meteorite strikes the Earth's atmosphere at just the proper trajectory and speed to burn down to the size and weight of a ping pong ball and glance gently off of his forehead, thereby knocking some modicum of sense into him.

 

Personally, I find option #1 more likely.

[Leaf]

Owl is 100% right. ..and your husband has proved by his actions what he thinks of your relationship. He can tell you til he is blue in the face.. "I'm sorry, I love you, You are the only one for me".. He can have his pity party "I dont deserve you, you deserve so much more than I have given you. I am a horrible person, Why do you stay with me." BLAH BLAH BLAH! The fact is, he is having his cake and eating it too. You allow him to walk all over you, She allows him to make her apart of an open deception of someone else... is anyone worth this? ..and I know you are going to say.. "But I love him" truuuuuust me, I was saying that just yesterday.. but you cant let him do this to you... what you know of his relationship with her is the TIP of the iceberg.. think about that.

[joodee]

THe tip of the iceberg....that is so true...major ditto....

 

When my MM got caught e-mailing another gal, he insisted they were just old friends kidding around...found out through HER that there was a sexual relationship going on the whole time...and she was more than willing to play a part in the deception...

 

I'd kick him out if I were you. Save yourself more hearache.