Is my mother narcasstic and how to deal with it

[Samanthaxx]

Im 22 and my mother is 43 , she had me when she was really young, when i was born 6 moths later she decided she didn't want to sacrifice her life to look after a baby, she and my dad divorced and she left me with my great grandmother, i lived with her for 11 years, it's the best thing she ever done for me.

When i was 11 my great grandmother was 78 , so my grandmother told my mother that she is getting to old to look after me , that i need to live with her, so she took me to America, and a different life style, different language , different way of life.

Right off the bat she was controlling and mean, she used to yell at me and hit me when suited her, i have even scars left, she never helped me out, she always looks down one me and laughs, she never bought me toys so i played with household objects and she stood there laughing at me and telling her friends.

She always used to tell her friends " omg my child is so dumb " and horrible things, she used to buy me crappy clothes and then tease me for it, we were no means poor or anything , and im thankful of what she did buy me but she used to get things to small for me and then tease me for it.

She never cooked dinner or anything, she had time, but she always made like a big pot of soup or something and i should eat that for days.

She told me who should i be friends with and who i shouldn't , like i had this one good friend from middle east and she said no way i can't be friends with her , it's her fault that the tickets were so pricey for me to come here from europe it was few months after 9/11 , and then she said unless you get her to give you money for the price difference you can't be friends , and then she went to school and told my teachers , that i've not to spend time with that girl.( no offence to anyone)

So as time went on she became more controlling , more dominating, more evil, and narcissistic , she blackmails me so much, like if you don't do this ill tell your friend you are a lyer and hate them , occasionally told me " I've ruined her life, she wishes i was never born " etc

Now that im older, she is working extra hard to push me down, i have this friend, and we went out one night and then the next morning my mother was mad cos i went out for no reason, and texted that girl on fb abusing her that she "made me " go out, which she didn't , and she even went to the length to set up a fake account just to send her nasty links , she showed me them , and i confronted her and she told me my friend is lying and making me chose her over my mother , which she wasn't and i know its her fake account because it was left logged in on her pc, and i told her about it and she said im lying its not true and began to get physical.

Or when i was going out wit my ex, she used to text him all the time, horrible little things, and told me that unless i dump him she will call the cops and tell them he is abusing me and makes me do drugs which is 100 % not true, and she is giving hell to my current bf , he is mixed race , which she is not happy about , but she never is happy with anything , everyone always is wrong and she is always right and the victim.

So everytime im with him she be txting and ringing none stop about petty things " when ya gonna wash the dishes " , " there is something can you come home and look for it right now " so sometimes i leave my phone on silent, so then she had the nerve to text my bf that he shouldn't force me not to pick up the phone, even thou she knows its not true , and no day she went so low , to text him that i was cheating on him , and when he decided to call it quits she danced around and sang " i won , i won" , eventually we got back together , and now she is telling me that she heard stories that he abused his ex ( not true ) and then she is gonna call the cops.

 

One time we had an argument about something petty and she said im trying to kill her, and then she made a comment its either me or you.

She thinks of people in her life that they are there to serve her , and if they are no use she gets rid of them , she always engages in childish like actions, and mentally abuses me calling me fat, useless , mistake so on..

She is always paranoid like if a neighbor gives her a weird look she thinks something is up, instead of maybe she didn't give her a dirty look, and she goes blaming me yelling at me what have i done

 

 

I can't move out or anything right now, so how can i deal wit this kinda behavior ?

[Taramere]

I'm no expert, but she sounds a bit more than just narcissistic. It's really unfortunate that you can't move out, because from what you're saying she sounds extremely irrational. You can't reason with an irrational person. At best all you can do is tread on eggshells around them - which is not a healthy way to live. Even then, they'll find things to get agitated and upset about.

 

Having to live like that is not surprisingly taking its toll on you, and my concern is that the longer this living situation continues the harder it's going to be for you to cope with the negative impact of her behaviour on a long term basis.

 

What are the obstacles to you moving out?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Your mother sounds more like a psychopath. They are also very narcissistic.

 

Do some research on "Psychopathy" and I bet things will start clicking.

 

My mother-in-law is a psychopath but she isn't quite as evil as your mother.

[nescafe1982]

What are the obstacles to you moving out?

 

I would like to +1 this question, because OP your mom sounds not narcissistic but outright abusive. I think in the medium-to-long term, you need to assert distance from this person. She's not going to get any better, but you can protect yourself and heal from the abuse if YOU have control over how often/when you see her.

 

If I were in your shoes (and I was, both my parents suffered personality disorders, including Narcissism), I would determine precisely what obstacles stand between you and moving out from under her roof. Make a list... and start planning what you will do to get to place where you can move. Don't tell her about this though... if she is narcissistic, this will injure her ego and she will lash out.

 

For now, can you illustrate what's keeping you in her house?

[Leigh 87]

Your mum is a horrible person who sounds like she is absolutely devoid of empathy or emotions besides anger and hate.

 

 

 

I agree it is not really feasible to move out if you are a student in the USA. She would have to get a full time job.. And be a full time student. NOt everyone can pull that off.

 

 

Perhaps the OP could get a full time job so she can move out, find housemates to move out with, and then make the move while cutting back her study load?

 

 

It is not just as easy as a young person simply working full time in order to pay rent, coupled with full time study.

 

If I were in this position, I would work full time in order to move out, and cut back on the study load, as I am not the type of person who wants to be on the go literally 18 hours a day with only time to sleep and eat.

 

 

 

Moving out seems key here....

 

Luckily, at least in Australia, part time studying is a flexible option for those who, unfortunately, have to work full time whilst studying.

[Janesays]

You have to move out.

 

After that, you need to realize that having a Mother like this damages a person. It's not your fault, but you do need to seek therapy for yourself so you can prevent someday continuing the cycle of abuse.