What is going on in my head now and why am I justifying continuing to see him?

[Grecian2000]

On previous posts I have focused on what he's getting out of it all but it would be silly and unrealistic to assume that in all this time I haven't got anything out of the relationship neither because I have... I have got out of him exactly what he has got out of me... the way things are and have been has to a large extent suited me also..

 

The OW turned did the dirty on me and we did have words in the early days before and after marriage when I told her that I knew him better than her.. she had only known him a matter if months.. and that even while he was with her, I was still very much in a relationship with him and had been for the last 5yrs and is he is still seeing me and its her behaviour that is wrong, not mine.. I am his GF! I told her he isn't the person she thinks he is and that her quest to have him and marry him regardless of my feelings doesn't a recipe for a happy marriage make. Ultimately she didnt care what I had to say or how distressed/distraught I was.. She was the OW woman on a mission!

 

My continuing to see him now all these years later and him me isnt about revenge.. in my mind I feel no empathy towards her..just as she had felt nothing for me in my dark days. She was the OW not me.. and although my situation is completely warped with all these feelings sloshing around after 16yrs.. I was there first and although I didn't achieve marriage with him (thankfully now) we have simply kept our relationship burning 16yrs on. Now our get togethers although planned are opportunistic and as suits us both. Don't get me wrong I am in no way waiting for the marriage to break up. I am fully focused on the life I have that doesn't involve him or her and completely have been.

 

There is no aspect of my home or love life I have put on hold for this man.

Why do I not regards this fwb relationship we have now morphed into as wrong?Why shoudnt I continue to enjoy our times together? I haven't broken up a marriage, am not breaking up a marriage given the history...

What have I, am I doing wrong?

[whichwayisup]

Sorry I'm a bit confused about your situation. He is/was your boyfriend, he cheated on you with an OW, who in turn is trying to take him away from you and you aren't letting go of him, handing him over to her since she wants him all for herself and wants you out of the picture? Where is he in all this? Seems he's willingly having two women meet all his needs and has no plans on marrying either of you. Unless I've misread/misunderstood your post.

[whatatangledweb]

I'm confused too. You stated before that he was going out when you too broke up for a few months. He then married her. She was not the other woman if you were broke up. You don't feel bad because you see him as belonging to you. That you had him first. IMHO Though you are intruding on the marriage and he has not told you he loved you. Why stay with him if you don't want his marriage to end?

[OpheliaSong]

Are you just his mistress then?

[Grecian2000]

Yes im his long term mistress.

 

The background being that we met 16yrs ago, had a full blown relationship for 5 years, and although he wasnt faithful, there has never been any denying our strength of feelings for each other despite the ups & downs. When on a break of a couple of months, weeks even, he announced a surprise marriage and despite the anguish this caused me he married, is still married 10 years on (no children) with no plans to leave his marriage (which I accept) but our 'relationship' (whatever it is?) has continued throughout his marriage ie daily text contact and monthly overnighters for all these years which tells me he's fully committed to our time together.

 

When I asked the forum to help me understand what is going in for him they advised that he has little or no feelings for me (in other words) and that apart from sex, on the whole I'm an idiot with such low self esteem that I should just get the hell out and run especially after so long!

 

Knowing all of this, I wanted to put a more balanced view forward (if thats possible) ie that I am not waiting for this man but getting on with my life, that I do not want to be his wife, do not feel i am doing anything wrong as far as his marriage is concerned simply because the now wife was my OW, and that knowing of him what I now know its just as well NOT his wife.

 

I DO want to keep seeing him because we enjoy each other but is this just my way of not being brave enough to see tne situation for what it is..? hence justifying keeping us going for even longer on the basis that I'm telling myself he's ok, im ok, its all (now) ok... so how bigger deal is this all??

[Grecian2000]

Thank you all esp 'who knows' - you are spot on. The words re tne wife help and again are spot on.

 

Call me naive but I'd not really thought about myself as a mistress but that's simply because of the journey I've been on. Part of me now wants to explore how i should have been behaving as a mistress - but again how sad is that! i thinl i might need counselling. My posts yesterday was about trying to understand him and all responses really helped. Today having moved on from this, my thoughts now are about what's going on in MY head?

 

To say that deep down I realise I'm disrespecting myself with someone who doesn't deserve me is actually completely true... yet the gloss I'm trying to work through at the moment is 'I can't see any problem in continuing'. I suppose progress through all of this for me is going to be one step at a time in bite sized chunks as 16yrs of dysfunctionality has obviously become embedded in my psyche.

[whichwayisup]

He had a chance to marry you, he didn't. He chose someone else yet he keeps you on the side.

 

Sorry I am going to blunt. He is using you and you are using him. This is totally unhealthy situation and affair you're having with him. This is your life, are you happy? If so, then do continue being his secret side dish and accept things as they are. Continue to disrespect yourself as well.

 

It actually makes me sad that you're missing out of a great love, a life of your own to build and have children, have a family. You'll never ever get that if you stay where you are now. He is not leaving his wife. He didn't choose you, yet you hang onto him for dear life.

 

He is your past and it's time to let go, grieve the loss, heal and move on.