strive Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 After my ex and I separated I've been doing a good job of healing myself and moving on. But the problem is with my daughter. She loves her father but since we separated he's been a no-show dad. He lives with his parents and whenever my daughter comes to their house on weekends, he's always gone. It's his parents who picks her up, she sleeps with them in their room, and they're basically the only ones who spend time with her. At first because of NC I didn't even try to ask what they did during their time together (I thought he was making the most out of his time with her), but after a while my daughter started to complain to me. She never sees her dad, he's always out and he keeps making promises to her (she'll be excited about them for days) but always breaks them and disappoints her. I never once say anything bad to her about him, in fact I used to cover for him saying "he's just busy with work." But my daughter is now heartbroken at his actions and is slowly growing to resent him. I didn't want to paint a bad picture of him to my daughter, but he's doing a great job of it all by himself. I want to protect her from this. If I could I'd stop the weekend visits, but she misses her grandparents. My heart is breaking for my child and there's nothing I can do. It's the worst feeling in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 As much as you want to you may not be able to protect her. You are doing the right thing by taking the high road & not bad mouthing your EX. Since your daughter still has contact with her grandparents, can you nicely ask them to encourage their son to spend some time with his daughter? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) As much as you want to you may not be able to protect her. You are doing the right thing by taking the high road & not bad mouthing your EX. Since your daughter still has contact with her grandparents, can you nicely ask them to encourage their son to spend some time with his daughter? Agreed, make good with what you've got...if he is choosing to behave this way there is nothing you can do sadly, she will one day see him for who he is and make her own choices, the important thing her is to be the best possible mum, allow her to see her grandparents and every now and then ask them to encourae to change 'don't speak to him yourself' it will just rattle you. When your daughter speaks of him, reasure her that he loves her and then you show her love....lots of hugs and positive things Xxx I understand my H was the perfect dad, he now offers 5hrs a week visits and drive through take aways...makes the kids feel guilty for his lack of time with him implying that it's their fault as they dont want to meet the OW....rise above and make your life with her a good one SS x Edited November 10, 2013 by Shocked Suzie 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Yarrow Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 That's so sad. I've never been in your daughter's shoes and I'd hate to be in yours. I might be soon enough though. My son isn't that old yet. For people who have experience in this matter, what do you think about gradually reframing the visits as "going to grandpa and grandma's" instead of "visiting dad"? After all, the "visiting dad" thing doesn't seem to be happening anyways, so I'm assuming that the grandparents are the ones spending time with her and she seems to miss them. The disappointment that dad isn't there is going to happen all the same, but maybe it will adjust the expectations and give some positives to the weekend visits. I wouldn't make any excuses for dad. It's not your responsibility to cover for him. (I.e. "Maybe daddy had to work.") If he wants to explain himself, he can be a man and do it himself. Better yet, he would make time. I'd probably leave it at empathizing with your daughters feelings without accusing dad. ("I'm sorry dad wasn't around much this time. I understand how that would make you feel sad/disappointed/angry" or whatever emotion she is expressing to you about it.) Bonus if you can sit with her and listen to her and problem solve about what to do and how to cope when you feel these sad emotions. That would be champion-level parenting. High difficulty level. Easier in theory than in practice and all that. She can make up her own mind about how much she can count on him and how much she can count on you, but you can't do anything about dad's actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 "How do you keep your child's heart from breaking? " You can't, you get through every day acknowledging you daughter's accomplishments, thankful that at least his parents (her grandparents) are there and realize that there is NOT one thing that you can control how he performs as a parent, a father or if he even has a relationship with his child. That is on him, you continue to take the high road...........and as I've experienced, have skip-tracing friends who can track him down when she is in her twenty's and they've lost contact....I've been in that position several times. Be thankful that his parents want to be in their grand-daughter's life, let that be something that enriches her life. If he doesn't participate, there is nothing you can do about it other than be strong for her and show her love. Your daughter will figure things out for herself....kids always do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author strive Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 Thank you everyone. I guess I just needed the assurance that I'm doing the right thing. And it's extremely difficult, but I have to accept that I can't do anything for my child except give as much love and support as her mother. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Thank you everyone. I guess I just needed the assurance that I'm doing the right thing. And it's extremely difficult, but I have to accept that I can't do anything for my child except give as much love and support as her mother. that's the beauty of LS I've also learnt 'the hard way ' that you/I are too close to try to make things change once I tried to tip to my ex that his poor behavior around the kids 1, upsetting the kids and how they feel about him 2, it will effect his relationship longterm with them 3, could effect the way they cope within relationships with others in their future. It made no difference and actually made him worse for a while. I am lucky as my kids are in mid teens so they 100% have their own say... Try to look at the situation on the positives and make your time together open, fun, full of love and security later down the line he may improve...or your child will make her own choices and views Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I've read it is even more difficult for children in divorce because they usually want to bond more with the opposite sex parent for a while. If the dad is absent from your daughter, try to make sure she see positive male role models in the meantime (grandpa, uncles, friends). She'll need that to have a positive view of men later on in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
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