A letter of peace and closure to my ex girlfriend, what do you think??

[Richacinas]

Hi there,

 

<I'm a 20's male> from Spain. My ex, she is Canadian. At the time, I was working at a hostel and learning English.

 

Our story as been back and forth, she came to Spain twice, I went to Canada for a whole year to be with her and then everything went wrong.

 

Now I'm in South America, working as an IT admin for the Spanish Embassy. She came to visit and we had an incredible time, supposedly we carried on with our relationship virtually. And, that was so hard for me, I didn't open fully my heart to her so on the next few months I wasn't so close to her, she started to be more distant too and having doubts about me. She was right, since I had a couple of affairs with other women here, but I don't blame myself anymore since the distance, again, was too hard and I just was being happy with what I had close to me, new friends and experiences.

 

Then she asked me if I wanted to be with her or not, making more and more pressure everyday so I couldn't hold and just let her go. Just after that, of course I regreted and then I was in very close touch with here, she was like if nothing happened so I suggested if it would be cool for me to visit her in Vancouver. She said that's what she wanted.

 

I booked my flight, went over and she didn't show up, left me on the street with my suitcase and then I saw her 2 days after that. Everything was off, I was shocked and tried to be all nice as if nothing happened but the conversation wouldn't flow, sex wouldn't be like always and the next day she told me that she didn't want us to be together anymore...

 

I came back home with such a broken heart, feeling all guilty for the situation... This happened 3 months ago and I'm still recovering, but everyday I get better and have a lot to look forward to. I found out, about a month ago, that pretty sure she was hanging out with another guy while I was there, and I found out too that she already went as a couple to the wedding of a friend of this guy, which makes me think that she is moving at the speed of light. Everything she was demanding from me, like job stability, long term plans and everything, seems that she found it in this guy. But still seems so weird to me, after 4 years, and what we got to live together and understand each other so well, that she managed to just snap out like that.

 

Still, I wanted to send her this letter, but I want to make sure that I don't expect even a reply or any reaction from her. I want to send it with a pure heart because I need to get going and I can't be dreaming 8000 miles away, of a girl and a life that I dreamed of so much:

 

"Hello dear,

 

I think it is the right time for me to acknowledge the situation and put out here what I feel nowadays regarding our relationship.

 

First, I felt shocked, not really understanding what was happening, then anger came and I swallowed and processed that too. And the most important, little by little, I started to see the huge bright side, started to pay attention to the light inside me, take a bath in it and collect all the lessons and inner growth that comes with it.

 

It has been one of the most incredible things in my life, to grow, learn and nourish from so much you got inside and realize nowadays how much of a better me I became. It is just sad, that we were walking at different speeds and I couldn't offer what you wanted on time. Somehow, I know that I will always believe that you were the love of my life.

 

What happened, is already forgiven and I just keep all the positive side of our amazing story together, and for everything, I give you thanks dear of mine.

 

Now is the time I was ready to properly write this message to you. For you know very well, that I don't like to keep going without my lessons learned, and that makes the man I need to be to keep facing life looking straight forward, head up high.

 

I'm amazed by my capacity to stay strong and to measure my words in every situation. Happy to know too, that the values and principles that were put into me when I was a little boy, stand up nowadays and guide my way. I hope you felt at any time, rain or shine, how much of a gentleman I've been to you, I hope you felt like the smiley queen I wanted you to be.

 

I was giving myself a really hard time for not fitting into the timing, for having been late to tell you what I felt and then not even having the chance to do it, since the pain and shocking situation didn't let me express. I know that distance was the biggest of enemies of our love, among the cultural shock I went through and some disappointments. But I have certainty now, that back then I did my best with the mind & heart I had, and again everything happened for a reason and I made sure that I kept moving emotionally growing as well.

 

Maybe, theres is a big metaphor on the fact that when we went signed up for our dance lessons, there was nobody there, not a single soul to meet and so open new horizons and relationships to make us even more of a healty couple, getting to know each other better through a fun little activity we would have in common. Maybe it meant, that it wasn't the right time for us, to dance together through life.

 

What a unique experience, having connected with you at so many levels. What a trip, inside oneself and outside, beside you. I have lived following my heart always, and that's the way it will be forever. I might not have been the most emotionally intelligent man, but I've done my best and I've been really brave when I had to. You know I fought like a lion for our love, didn't matter if it took to leave everything behind to make it work, or to be very close to you when you were into new situations with my people and in my country.

 

Life is such a misterious thing, you never know what it has in store, and maybe one day, we'll get the second chance we never got, maybe we'll get to ride our bikes together like we used to, read our books together, take those dance lessons, laugh, live, share a purpose. But that is not in our hands right now, life and time will tell if we were meant to be with each other.

 

I hope you received my flowers, as a gift for you, for your family, for your mother. There was a little tribute to our beautiful story, in shape of a sunflower. It is a reminder too, that life is always blooming, no matter what.

 

May you keep that smile of yours everyday, you know it makes this planet, much more of a comfy place. It has been, a hell of a ride... Un beso corazón, y mucha suerte en tu camino."

 

 

Something else to understand better... her mom was very sick and just passed away a couple of weeks ago. That is something that held me from expressing my feelings before, I was careful to just show support to her and all her family.

 

If you read my little story, I give you thanks. Sorry for my English as it is not my native language, pretty sure there are some mistakes on my "letter" but I hope you like my story and can give me, I don't know... some opinion, encouragement or whatever you feel like. I wrote it in 10 minutes, so I think that is a positive thing.. I didn't write it over and over again.. just came out like that. My heart imprinted on an e-mail.

 

Thanks a lot, have a happy day and enjoy the best people and experiences you have around!

Edited November 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personally identifiable information redacted

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Man, it's too soon.

 

The post break-up letter is always a bad idea. Most of us have done it at some point in time and it never goes over well.

[Richacinas]

Why not?? don't you think that I need to show her that I'm not available anymore and that I'll be investing my energies on my own life, and at the same time collect my peace to keep going??

 

By now, she thinks I'm still there waiting. She hasnt told me anything about her new boyfriend, so that makes me think she is not so sure about her steps maybe. Eitherway, I wanted to find my own peace, and truly don't really care about how it goes for her. These days, is when finally the anger is going away, for how she treated me on my last visit. I think she was scared of loving me again, she loved me so much otherwise I don't understand that behaviour. It is not like her. She behaved like a scared animal somehow.. basic instinct of protection and now she found somebody new that provides her with all her needs through hard times.. I don't know.. I still think it is a good idea to let her know that I'm gone so the path is open for both of us, not only for one.

 

Thanks for your reply, it helps too and that's all I was asking for, some perspective. Thanks!

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Why not?? don't you think that I need to show her that I'm not available anymore and that I'll be investing my energies on my own life, and at the same time collect my peace to keep going??

 

The strongest way to get that message across to her is to not contact her in any way. There is a "No Contact" guide on these forums. It will explain why it's better not to send that letter.

[Richacinas]

Well.. I'll do my best but I really feel like I should let her know where I stand finally and then do the NC.

 

Any more opinions?

[Simon Phoenix]

Well.. I'll do my best but I really feel like I should let her know where I stand finally and then do the NC.

 

Any more opinions?

 

My opinion is that it's a terrible idea to send her a letter. If you have to write one to get your thoughts on paper/on a computer screen fine, but do not send it to her. If she cared where you stand she'd find out for herself.

[Richacinas]

Wow.. everyone seems to agree on this! have you had this experience before?? and did you write her a "last letter" or not?? I must say, that she feels like the love of my life that has been lost. I had a girlfriend before her and I forgot her quite quickly, but this one is stuck in my head and heart...

 

My dad asked me a question that gives me a lot of peace too.. he asked:

 

"¿Do you think of your previous girlfriend these days, do you barely remember her with any sort of love feeling?"

 

Obviously my answer was no... and then he told me "So it will be with this one son, keep moving!!"

 

 

What about her moving on so incredibly fast?? is that something common in between women?? she is 29 and way ahead of me relating to life stable plans... maybe they can't avoid to have a couple when we are around our 30's??

 

Cheers for the answers

[StyleOnEm]

Send it as an act of closure, to get everything off your chest.

But don't expect a reply back. And start moving on with your life.

[CarrieT]

You wrote it. That should be good enough.

 

Sending it will not do ANYTHING positive and will only make you look week and pathetic in her eyes.

 

Yes - I have written such a letter and it is never a good idea.

 

Don't send.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Such an AWFUL idea to send it. The decision to jump out of an airplane without a parachute would be better.

 

Yes, we all have experience on this. We've all seen this story happen 1000X. She doesnt care if you are "waiting." She doesnt care what you're doing. She is with her new BF. She let it go....as do you.

 

Dont send it. Dont talk to her. Move on.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

She could either ignore you or respond.

 

The problem arises when you contact her as a final message, then she contacts you back. Are you going to ignore her when she says what she has to say? Things she says will most likely make you want to engage because there would be more you think there is to talk about. It will keep you hanging on and she will be free from her guilt.

 

If she ignores you, would you be hurt and get depressed because you put so much thought into this letter that she won't acknowlege?

 

Both of these results are bad but maybe you are the type of guy who can handle it. Or maybe you will experience what the rest of us have and then be able to give advice to the next guy.

[Richacinas]

Right on... I'll give it a second thought. I think that guys many times act towards women not thinking on the possible outcome, just out of impulse, out of what our heart is saying.

 

I still keep wondering why she behaved so badly... I think she hated me because she suffered lots "waiting" for me. And then, she is with another guy already, so fast, so commited. What a weird thing to see that on somebody you have so much confidence with. It feels like.. I didn't even recognize her during my visit, and now even less.

 

Thanks for the answers again.

[Richacinas]

I don't think she feels any guilt, because I didn't accuse her for behaving such a way.

 

I was just frozen, trying to be nice and I realize I was so stupid because it hurt my self esteem big time.

[Sugarkane]

Most people do go the letter route on here. That is how people know The likely outcome of it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Send it as an act of closure, to get everything off your chest.

But don't expect a reply back. And start moving on with your life.

 

Closure comes from within. He obviously wants a response from it, so this won't provide closure. Just more torment. Writing it is enough -- she doesn't have a right to hear his inner thoughts and she doesn't care in the least about reading about them.

[Richacinas]

I don't really expect any reply. I just consider this letter, as a way to feel better myself and then just keep going with my life without looking back. It might be naive, but it is what I feel now.

 

We had almost no contact for 3 months now, and the contact we had, was first a couple of silly messages I wrote and then condolences and support about her mother.

 

I guess I would get a reply, and I wonder if it would do any good to read it.. She is not giving a **** right now so maybe why bother??

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't really expect any reply. I just consider this letter, as a way to feel better myself and then just keep going with my life without looking back. It might be naive, but it is what I feel now.

 

We had almost no contact for 3 months now, and the contact we had, was first a couple of silly messages I wrote and then condolences and support about her mother.

 

I guess I would get a reply, and I wonder if it would do any good to read it.. She is not giving a **** right now so maybe why bother??

 

Then write it for yourself and keep it for yourself. She doesn't need or have the right to know your inner thoughts and you are right -- if she really cared to know them she'd be in contact with you.

[Richacinas]

Thanks a lot man...

 

I decided to follow your advise and just focus on what I have to focus.

 

Please, I have a question for the web admins... could you delete this thread so there is no information about my story on the Internet?? you never know...

 

Thanks a lot,

[hurt.in.perth]

Dont send it mate. It wont do anything at all as hard as it sounds in yhe end she eill probably be more hsppy your still hurting and thinking of her

[William]

Removed some personally identifiable information and made this visible again. Carry on.

[xUnknown]

I could have sworn I replied to this thread before.

 

Anyways, write down what you need to write down AS IF you were going to send it...but DON'T send it. Perhaps just getting everything out via pen and paper is what you need. It will push her further away. She'll see it as clingy.