Emotional abuse as a result of a mental disorder

[TheGuard13]

So I've been running into some issues lately with my girlfriend, who has been diagnosed as bipolar and suffers from post traumatic stress.

 

Basically, she's having issues controlling her emotions and her filter. She's not currently on medication, and her behavior lately I think could be considered semi-abusive.

 

When she gets upset, stressed or angry about something, things tend to escalate quite quickly. This leads to sarcasm and passive-aggressive communication, deflection in arguments, and at her worst, childish insults and distancing behavior (storming out of the room or house, etc.)

 

I know how to handle it in the moment, and longterm, we're speaking to a therapist to work through some things. But I'm curious what people's thoughts are in regard to this being considered emotional abuse on her part.

 

I don't think she's doing it entirely on purpose, so that somewhat reduces its impact on me in terms of my personal reactions to it, but she IS doing it, and I have to believe she's able to control herself better than this, regardless of how she's feeling on a given day. While I'm not hurt, I am getting fairly frustrated and annoyed.

[tinktronik]

I'm in a long term relationship with an aspie. His behavior appears very emotionally abusive. However, I have been told time and again that it is NOT emotional abuse because in order to be emotional abuse there has to be harmful intent behind the things he says and the way he acts. There isn't at all, he just thinks and behaves differently and has no idea of the impact on others. BUT that does not mean that I am not suffering from symptoms of emotional abuse.

 

You really should get to this question with your therapist.

[Downtown]

So I've been running into some issues lately with my girlfriend, who has been diagnosed as bipolar and suffers from post traumatic stress....and her behavior lately I think could be considered semi-abusive.

TG, I assume this is the young woman you've been dating for about 8 months. I suggest you learn how to spot the warning signs for BPD in case she has moderate to strong traits of it. I mention this for several reasons.

 

First, the two disorders you mention are strongly associated with BPD. A recent study (pub. 2008) found that nearly half of those adults suffering from bipolar in the past 12 months also suffer from full-blown BPD -- and a fourth of those adults suffering from PTSD also have co-occurring BPD (see Table 2 at Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions).

 

Second, because therapists only see their clients for 50 minutes once a week, it is easy for them to mistake bipolar and PTSD traits for what are actually BPD traits. Because high functioning BPDers hide their symptoms very well, it may take a therapist a year or two to see the abusive behavior you see all week long.

 

And, third, even when the therapist correctly diagnose the traits as BPD, they generally are loath to tell the BPDer client (much less tell her BF) the name of her disorder -- for her own protection. They also are generally loath to tell the insurance companies (nearly all of which refuse to cover BPD) and thus often do not make a formal record of the BPD diagnosis.

 

Instead, they report the diagnosis as a clinical disorder such as bipolar, PTSD, GAD, depression, or adult ADHD -- all of which are covered by insurance because they are not personality disorders. They are able to do this -- honestly and ethically -- because BPD nearly always is accompanied by at least one clinical disorder (oftentimes by two or three of them).

 

Hence, if you are considering this young woman as a potential wife, I suggest you read enough about BPD symptoms to be able to spot any red flags that may be present. An easy place to start reading is my description of 12 differences between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers and BPDers. I am not a psychologist. My description is based on my 15 years of living with a BPDer (my exW) and a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son). It also is based on my experience in taking both of them to numerous psychologists in weekly visits for 15 years. That description is in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd-14.html#post4754080.

 

If your GF's behavior sounds closer to BPD traits than to bipolar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of typical BPDer behavior in my several posts at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, TG.

[TheGuard13]

Downtown, thanks for the follow up. I am somewhat concerned she may be borderline as well. Based on what I know about borderline (my ex-wife's mother was borderline), there are some similarities at times.

 

I brought up her behavior with the therapist she's been seeing (who I have been seeing with her). She was upset, but seems to have taken it fairly well, though there was some denial and deflection on her end.

[Downtown]

TG, if you have time, I suggest you follow the two links I provided above. The first describes 12 clear differences between typical bipolar and BPD traits. The second describes BPD traits in more detail. A third post of mine lists 18 behaviors that are typical of BPDers. It is located at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075. Finally, BPDfamily provides 15 insightful articles at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. My favorite is article #9.