My own private love trauma/drama

[strange love]

Hi there everyone !!

I have been checking out the threads on this for a little while and finally decided what the heck time to tell my story...

 

Ok I guess I may that type of guy that women fall in love with easily and then afterwards love to hate.

 

My current drama is involving someone who has walked away for the second time.

I feel adamant about sticking to the no contact rule as it has worked before.

However the first time we had a major major break up which was a serious situation we did not talk for 6 weeks. I wanted to contact her ie call send flowers, email, anything.. But I just couldnt bring myself to. I did recall early this morning that when she came looking for me after 6 weeks.... just walking by on the street. I m not going to say I started in with the begging but I was very sorry, I miss you etc.. I even had some flowers and a stuffed toy to give her.. Then she only would talk to me if her friend was around so I had to get the guy he was chatting up to come join us.. lol

In any case.. I guess to a certain extent I had to do some convincing on my part. I think what I am saying is perhaps NO CONTACT works to a certain extent, but lets look at this anotehr way. I think I had to do alot of ass kissing, pleading, apologies, etc.. and thats probably what got my ex back was the effort. I was kind of thinking today this second time around why wait for her to pass around or call to launch into that.

I mean the idea of NO CONTACT is to act indifferent when you are finally contacted.. but I didnt follow that rule and I got her back.

 

In any case heres my current drama with her thinsg werent going well closing to the end of the summer didnt see her much. I just felt like she was not really interested in hanging out with me I requested getting my stuff back many times. I wrote a few goodbye email..or dear john stuff .. No effect she wont let me break up.

I think that one thing I have to say looking back is if your arent happy with something you shouldnt always try to jump ship.. its better if you meet your mate face to face and chat.. In any case thats hindsight.

So finally one day she was calling me calling me .. I just figured she was playting games so I just said you know if you dont wish to hang out, just leave me alone stop calling me your too confusing. So the next day she dropped stuff of mine at my friends and my heart sank but I just figured screw you, why should I call. Yep mr tough guy. So after a month I contact her with a beautiful poem, to which is replied back with a super nasty email letting me know she is moving no where that I can find her and to not contact her etc etc.... wish she never met me etc..

Let me point out as background she sent me more then a few dont call me ever again emails, to which I didnt and anywhere from a few weeks to few days she would call me or email asking dont I care about her..why havent I called etc.. I hope you can all see the humor in this.

Oh btw when she left she took some of my stuff with her which can mean a few things.. She figured I owed her ..or some people have told me a less popular version of she did that cause she was angry but didnt want to let go of me..

And I do have to add she did admit to me once that if I got my stuff back i WOULDNT BOTHER WITH HER ANYMORE.

 

Any comments are welcome, but keep this in mind.. Yes I have made efforts to move on. Met tons of women.. fooled around etc. But deep down I have to admit yes I do want her back.. I guess we must seem like nuts. However I have spent time apart from her I looked at other peoples relationships. Nothing is perfect there is always some a little off in each one I see.

 

well thats enough for now Im curious to see what replies I get to this one, I would

hope to be able to offer advice to others as well.

 

strangelove

[strange love]

I forgot to add, someone has called more then a few times. Either on call block, or they are on call block and they hang up once I answer.

[Weird]

I wrote a few goodbye email..or dear john stuff .. No effect she wont let me break up.

I think that one thing I have to say looking back is if your arent happy with something you shouldnt always try to jump ship.. its better if you meet your mate face to face and chat.. In any case thats hindsight.

 

haha sounds like george costanza...not being able to break up.

 

As for the comment about jumping ship...yep, too many people jump ship ratehr than try and work things out and then they regret later on thier decision but are too prideful or something to contact the person and see if they can salavge anything. Sad but that is human nature i guess.

 

As for your situation, it sounds like she is pretty immature (with the "dont call me crap" and then talking to you days later and complaining you didn't call) and likes drama.

 

Either you ask her directly what her deal is and if she wants to truly work things out and try things out again or you just move on and let her do whatever she feels she wants to do and if she contacts you down the line and stuff then you can take it form there if you still would want to at that point.

 

To me there doesnt seem like any other option.

[strange love]

Well wierd I guess you are right she is a bit immature but thinking about it she has alot of good points too and I guess I pull the "im leaving card".

I had some other ephinaies about relationships as well.. I perhaps will write them down later.

 

Well thinking about it she might be expecting me to try a bit harder to get her back, to guage my actual interest. Im thinking about sending some xmas greeting I guess I will see how it goes or I may wait. At least I have other things to occupy my mind. I see you are a fellow canuck "cheers" mate.

 

strangelove

[Weird]

Good luck bro and I think it is silly if she is trying to bust your balls with the hard to get crap just to see how "interested" you are...that is being immature.

 

Send a card if you feel it is the right thing to do or if it will help ease your mind. Jut don't get upset if you send the card and she gives you the cold shoulder trying to play that game with you.

[strange love]

Well its like this...

 

I dont think its so mush wanting to bust my balls, being silly, or immature. I think it is more of being insecure and uncertain.

 

In any case sometimes someone has to swallow their pride to get things back on track.

[nan]

Hey,

You replied to my posting so you kinda know my situation and it sounds like we are somewhat in the same boat. It sounds kinda like she'll do the same thing my ex does and kinda pursue you then pull back again. I'm not really sure what you've been doing as far as trying to get her back. It sounds like you've done both no contact and contact. I've been reading this book lately and I can tell you this, which is increasingly becoming more evident the more I look at my situation. If she's really insecure about herself, and you start showing her how much you love her and act head-over-heels, then she's going to pull away even further. If someone is feeling that bad about themselves, then they can't see why your in love with them, and they have completely conquered you, they will actually look down on you like "oh what an idiot for being in love with me, I'm not worth it." So if you show her that you are a happy person, and you would really like to be with her, but if you can't be than it's not then end of the (whether you feel that way or not) she will look up to you like you are a great person, lots of people like you and you're fun to be around. Then when she sees that you're okay with yourself, and you want her, it'll actually boost her self-esteem because she's going to be with someone who knows they are worth it. I don't actaully know if any of that made sense or not. But pursuing her seemed to work last time, as it sort of did for me the last time me and my ex broke up too, but for me it's not working this time. You know, us woman are kinda crazy and weird and we say alot of things when we mean the opposite. So honestly, do whatever seems to work. Maybe pursue her to let her know you are still interested, but if she pushes you away and doesn't come back, then maybe try the other approach, which would be to act happy without her. Even if she pushes you away, then she already knows how you feel. If she really wants to come back one of those is bound to work. Hope I could help.

[strange love]

Nan

 

Well late last night when i couldnt sleep, my thoughts drifted to her. I thought about exactly what I wanted to say. I knew it would be a long long email. I thought maybe I would be better to just send greetings. I guess the best would be to tell her to her face. I dont really have that luxury as she was so MAD at me when she moved, she didnt provide me with a phone number or address. I have ways to track her down, but that thought doesnt interest me much.

 

So for now maybe its better I just sit and coach from the sidelines, thats tough for someone as romantic as me to do. I feel like a bird that wants to sing but its voice has been taken away.

 

ciao

[nan]

I was just wondering how long ago you guys broke up. Plus is she a very stubborn person? Is she very forgiving? A couple things... First, the whole thing about calling you to tell you not to contact her seems like a lot of extra effort to give to someone that you really didn't want to talk to. Coming from someone very stubborn (myself) if she really felt that she didn't want to talk to you, then she wouldn't have, end of discussion. But the fact that she kept on pursuing you to tell you to leave her alone.....that's not the real reason she was telling you this and contacting you. Second, with her keeping some of your stuff, I highly highly doubt (coming from a female) that she kept it because "she thought you owed it to her" I'm 99% sure that she probably kept it because she had some hope of contacting you again. I'm not really sure what happened in your case that made her so mad, but I know that if I was that mad I would've thrown your crap outside, if my motivation was to never see you again. These sound like manipulation tools to me, little hints that woman give you. Kinda screwed up huh?

[strange love]

Hi everyone

and NAN

 

Nan - to answer your question we broke up via email oct 2nd she wrote me the nastiest of emails very very angry.

before that we hadnt taked in over 1 month.

Stubborn yes I would say she can be. Forgiving yes she can be very forgiving.

 

Ok heres my update. Reading both yours and miss smiles threads I feel quite moved and I been really feeling like I could almost break my silence and email my ex.

I keep flip floping though

Well this evening while I was logged into MSN. She logged in. I havent seen her log in in ages. So I assume she must have had me on block, cause if she deleted me I would have seen her before. Well I waited for her to message me, I actually was trembling and nervous. To be honest I wasnt ready to talk to her yet, and I was afraid to message thinking she might say "what the hell do you want?". Then she logged out.

So now im sitting here thinking I will either wait, or perhaps send her XMAS greetings via email. What are your thoughts miss nan.

 

stranglelove

[nan]

strange love,

 

I read your reply to my posting and was laughing about the bread, I never knew that before. My "nan" is actually short for nanners, a nickname given to me as a child that my family calls me.

 

I read over your newest reply here a few times, and then went back to read your first posting and have come up with something that I never really thought of before. Well you say in the beggining that the two of you weren't talking much during the summer, and before the break up you hadn't talked for about a month. I do know that people create their own fears, and maybe she felt that you were pulling away and so she left first. I take counseling for my step dad's suicide and my couselor has told me this before. It's much easier to be the one leaving then to be the one who is left. So I think you probably should send her that Christmas greeting. I know you haven't talked for a while and maybe that gave both of you time to cool off. I would keep it very simple, saying something like "I was just thinking of you, I hope your holidays are great, hope to hear back." Don't talk about how things were before or how they ended because this might make her too angry to even write back. I think she might be hoping for something like this, and hoping that you break the silence first. The reason I think this is because of the way she would call you numerous times to tell you not to talk to her. If you are really missing her and hoping to get back together or maybe at least talk, I would send the Xmas greeting. It's a great excuse for contact. I know that people want to keep their pride in break ups, but I don't think this would necessarily be breaking that, it would just show that you are above being so angry with her to not even send her a Xmas note. I think that probably in your heart you know what you want to do and what you should do. If she never responds, then at least you know that you're a bigger person to put your fellings before your anger. I hope this helps, write more if you have more questions/concerns about sending it.

 

Keep me posted!

 

nan

[strange love]

Heres my update

 

Total NC between me an the ex since october 2nd, that was only by email. And BEFORE THAT hadnt seen her in person since august and total NC in september.

 

So now after all this time I have now just seen her logging into MSN twice now.

The second was probably 11:45 ish monday dec 27th 2004

 

I have to say that each time my heart starts thumping.. I get nervous. Hey guess what folks this is what i refer to as the UPSET TUMMY feeling.

 

Symptoms

 

1. Nervousness

2. Cant remember own name

3. inability to focus

4. Feeling of nausea (some people refer to this as butterflies in the tummy feeling)

5. Physically shaking or trembling

 

If you have these symptoms guess what you still have feelings for your ex..

 

strangelove

[nan]

I'm assuming that you couldn't bring yourself to send that Christmas greeting. I know that feeling that you are talking about. Nervous, shaking, you feel that your stomach might actually now be in your throat. I get that everytime my ex calls and I see his caller ID on the phone before I answer.

 

So let me know about the deal with the sending of the Christmas greeting. Could you just not bring yourself to send it and break no contact? Any other reasons?

 

Let me know.

 

Nan

[_Saffy_]

just a thought here strange, but when she signs into msn, maybe she's opening up a channel for you to talk to her?

 

i guess you have two options........either ignore it, if she is hoping you talk to her, then at some point she will give up waiting and make the first move.

 

or

 

say something like "well theres a name i havent seen on here much, how are you?"

 

either way, when she does contact you.....stay cool

[strange love]

Alas poor strangelove I knew thee well......

 

Nan ..... If you rearrange the letters in your nickname you get my exs name..(spooky ed. note) No I didnt send an e-card.

 

I wrestled with myself over this.

top ten reasons for not sending it

1. I had to take out the garbage accidently threw out the card

2. afraid of rejection (Hallmark rejected my happy dead kitty card so.. )

3. Full moon

4. Accessed santas naughty list and she was on it

5. Too busy stuffing my face with christmas goodies

6. Couldnt think of a Kenny rogers song to steal the words from

7. Dog ate it (whoops dont have a dog, right then what was that big black thing with the tail??)

8. Forgot how to write in english

9. ummmmm?

10. Alien invasion

 

Honestly though lately interacting with females online I see the weird things they do. I guess im waiting for a clear message like a simple "hello".

I didnt exactly grow up being a sex symbol.... and so I tend to shy away from making any first moves with women. Im not looking to be the fool again.

Im sort of like you I want to have faith in things but at the same time, this whole break up episode disrupted my life and now that Im more together, im not looking to have that happen again.

 

I had a few exes I tried things to get them back..I guess in the begining thats stuff works.. but then there comes a day when nothing will work.

 

SAFFY..... While I feel this nmight be a sign. It could also be... someone else logging in. It could be a glitch... or could be the only thing she is able to bring herself to do, the only way she can signal to me. Its at that point I begin to remember I much prefer someone coming out and saying something, rather then me having to guess.

 

So..... right I may ignore it ..or see about next monday, so far its only once a week..why I dont know maybe she was hoping to catch me again at the same time.

 

I think I was going to just send a "hi" or send a rose icon. I suspose thats one reason I havent tried to message her since I was too freaked out , I would have had to say Hi and the say I have to talk to you later.

 

aNYways ladies thanks for the MOJO boost

[smile]

I know the idea of saying hi holds so much expectation. Dont let it.

 

I know thats easier said than done but I mean here you are worrying about what she wants based on emails and such that are a few days old yeah? How can you know how she feels? Maybe she is insecure , but being an isecure girl myself, I can tell you she prob wont say anything until you do. At least once.

 

Why not say "hey" and then give her a 3-5 minute limit .. if there is no answer or she seems unresponsive say "hey I gotta run... just heading out thought Id say hi hope you had some happy holidays take care" something like that. No pressure just let her know youre thinking.

 

You say I am like her, insecure and all. Maybe she is afraid that you arent interested. Maybe that is why the breakup happened. Dont go into any grand gestures of love just yet but just something kinda buddy like.

 

I dunno just saying what I would like if I were in her situation. No love, no rose.. just friendly. Keep it light and then she can know you are interested without risking embarassment.

 

Take care and thanks for the comments on my posts. I hope youre right but yep insecure me so unsure.. I am better than I was .. but having this undefined thing is testing my growth. Yikes!

[nan]

Hey,

 

I know that you haven't talked for a while so that makes the "hello" seem to have more to it than it actually does. I agree with Smile, just send something simple to her. Maybe it will be that first tiny little gesture that leads to you being able to talk to her again.

 

Or what about sending her an email instead. It seems less intimidating because you're not setting yourself up for face-to-face rejection. It's more like you sent the email, see what happens. Maybe sending an IM will make it seem like she has more power over the situation because she can reject you right there and then.

 

Either way, it seems like you still really want to contact her somehow, someday. Just be ready for what ever may come afterwards. You seem like you may not have closure on this, and you probably need to contact her either to actually talk to her, or realize that she really doesn't want to talk and finalize it. Keep me posted!

 

Hey, don't know if you've checked out my posts lately, if you have time, tell me what you think about it all.

 

Talk to you soon.

 

Nan

[strange love]

Update

Logged on monday no sign of ex on msn. Today is tuesday, I was on msn by fluke and she logged in. With trepidation I sent her just a hello. SHe replied back.. things went smoothly, but at some point she started talking about moving on dont think of me.. starting a new life.. when i went to say goodbye she would type.."Fine" so I guess just sat for a good while chatted with her and listened to her anger at me. She told me about this guy or meeting this guy To which I just said sounds great hope it works out. Then she would add just a friend..

 

I just kpet saying I guess I should go and she kept on with the anger.. but adding in a few things like.. well got new glasses.. well Im into comic books now etc..

well I broke NC and this is the result.. good? bad? I dunno. I do know my heart was thumping and hands were shaking..

[nan]

So my first question would be, how do YOU think it went? Did it feel good to talk to her, or do you feel worse? Two steps forward, three steps back, or do you think it will help the situation?

 

Being a female, it kinda seems like she was looking for reassurance. Did you bring up anything about the past, or was she the one to just throw in there that it's time to move on ect. I feel like if she just threw that in there, it was a test to see your response. Otherwise why would she say that? If she really didn't care and wanted to move on, I would think that whe wouldn't have answered your IM, or when she did, she wouldn't have brought anything up, cause what's the point if she's over it.

 

I'm not really sure. I'm having a tough time reading my own ex as you well know, so people are weird and who will REALLY ever know what they are thinking. I hope your doing well, sometimes contact can get the best of you and make you start thinking and thinking and thinking. I hope you are not spending most of yout time thinking about it, cause that's what I do, and let me tell ya, it's really time consuming.

 

Do you think you'll talk to her again? Did she say anything about it? Talk to you soon.

 

nan

[Gottabestrong]

Dear StrangeLove,

 

been following your thread for a while. Kudos for sticking to NC for so long, and also for finally getting your strength together and contacting her.

 

So you guys had no contact since Oct 2, and she was the one who broke up, right?

 

Wow, if that is true and she is still angry at you, can't even bring herself to just have a nice, polite chat with you 3 months later, then I am sure she is not over you and still has feelings for you.

 

Any idea why she is so mad? You did not cheat on her or anything?

 

My advice would be to not contact her again, but maybe be online sometimes and see if she contacts you.

 

If she is still angry, it might take her a long time to do that though.

 

Good luck and keep on getting better

[strange love]

Hi everybody

 

Thanks to NAN, SMILE, GOTTABESTRONG, SAFFY, WEIRD for your comments and advice.

I wish this was a textbook scenario, ie do action A do get result B.

 

so since last the first contact with ex in 3 months. I sent her an email the next day..got no reply. The she logged on sunday to msn.. once again messaged her first. She started out calmly.. then she seemed to start into how angry she was and how nasty I am all my bad points etc.. then I just say well I should get going.. or I didnt replay back so quickly and then she would write "lost interest in me already" I guess what Im trying to say is she all over the map.. she goes from being angry at me, to telling about something good in her life, to telling me that she was nice to me and I wasnt nice to her, to then asking how my ribs are ( I got kicked around by some guys that robbed my shop) The she mentions she wishes to call me on the phone and tell me off, so I said ok heres the number. It was nice to hear her voice but she was so nasty.. so angry I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach, I guess I expected her to be alot happier to hear from me.. rather then listen to her bitching, I said I have to go. She called back like 4 or 5 times, until I finally said please dont contact me anymore please. I ... then I kinda wished she would have called back or MSNed me later I felt pretty bad about saying that. I know I should have listened to what she had to say until she wore herself out I guess im learning sometimes women just want you to listen to them even if its not the nicest things to they have to say but I was down in the dumps already.

So then I sent an email a day later apologizing for not wishing to sepak on the phone etc.. I said alot of other things in the email too basically agreeing with her I wasnt nice etc.. Saying sorry for things she keeps bringing up.. I guess I attacked myself quite a bit at the end I was crying I have to admit.

 

I dont really wish to go into detail the back back back story about this, I will say though I do realize I did certain things which werent nice, seemed like she still wanted me around even after this.. I guess what seems to be the worst is when I push her away.. ie please dont call etc..

 

I havent really heard from back from her since sending the email, but that was only a few days ..whats a few days to a few months..right?

I guess im more wishing to understand whats going on with her from a female view sicne it doesnt make much sense to me make contact with someone tell them off then disappear again..

 

s. l.

[nan]

Strange love,

 

Well lets see. I am as mad at my ex as I think they can get. I would definately call him up just to tell him off. It seems weird that people would do that, but I would. At the same time, I am SOOO mad that I'm not going to give him the time of day. I'd rather he just feels like sh*t, and if I called he would have something to argue with, so silence can work best.

 

Don't really know where I'm going with this, but I'm sure she's mad at you. You still have never told us why, this might help. But she can't be so mad as to not contact you. I think personally that she is looking to blow up on you, then you feel bad and apologize.

 

But the thing people don't understand about blowing up on someone when you want an apology or explanation, is they get defensive, and then you won't hear what you are looking to hear anyways. She sounds confused about how she wants to handle the situation.

 

If you could explain into further detail why she is so mad, I can give you some more exact advice. Talk to you soon, take care.

 

Nan