in regards to my Mother in Law?

[down hearted]

I need some advice, i stopped talking to my mother in law the first day she cussed at me with F bombs as i was not going to be disrespected in anyway or any form regardless of her been my husband's mother, because i felt that when we end up having children what will stop her from doing it again IN FRONT of my future children. Later she tried to apologize saying her pills make her react that way blah blah blah (i don't believe this crap anymore she always uses this excuse) and i ignored her calls she just honestly didn't seem sincere in her apologies. Ever since then i have completely cut her off to not fall in to her manipulation (ever since i ignored her i found out through my husband's sister that her parents are doing good relationship wise is better) which made me realize that they had to deal with their own problems on their own and sometimes it is best to ignore others who just seem to seek attention.

 

to get to the point, lately I've been feeling like although her apologies in the past don't seem sincere i feel like i should have just said ok and moved on, i guess i wanted her to learn a lesson that she can not treat me that way whenever she feels like and the next day act like nothing specially after not doing a single thing wrong and never even disrespecting her. Now that weeks have passed, and my anger has diminished i feel i was doing something wrong in ignoring her and should have contacted her.

 

Any advice in how to make her realize she needs to respect me as i have with her and that what i say and share to my husband is respectfully my business? I don't know what to do or how to approach her, but i feel i can't ignore her forever since we are in fact in the same city while my husband is away and the holidays are coming i just don't know what to do, she stopped calling me ever since i ignored her calls and we have been in no contact for weeks now. what should i do how can i tell her so that she can at least learn to respect me as i to her?

 

I guess i want to do this more because of my husband because he is so good to me and i owe him to at least work with his mother since he stood up for me when it comes to his mother.

 

thanksgiving is coming up too and i just want things to be ok, not great but decent i guess.

Edited November 10, 2013 by down hearted

[d0nnivain]

She is never going to realize whatever it is you want her to realize. She apologized. Whether you believe or not, for your husband's sake just go along to get along. As long as she is not actively cursing at you, be polite. Smile through the holidays & get through it.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

She is never going to realize whatever it is you want her to realize. She apologized. Whether you believe or not, for your husband's sake just go along to get along. As long as she is not actively cursing at you, be polite. Smile through the holidays & get through it.

 

I agree. Much better to fake it than to keep resentment out in the open. I doubt you could reason with her enough.

 

You just have to be committed to keeping your mouth shut around her when it comes to how you really feel. The rest of the time just avoid her.

[down hearted]

so you think i shouldn't reach out to her to fix things, i should just leave things remain like this until eventually if she sends a message or calls again? Until then just remain no contact?

I can't wait to go back home when my husband returns so he can deal with her and so that i don't have to feel forced to deal with her anymore, i just do it for him because at the end of the day i love my husband and that is his mother but i just hope she doesn't cross me again in the future. Thankfully my husband stood up for me and even told his own mother off when this happened so i shouldn't be too worried thankfully my husband knows when to put his own mother in her place thats why i don't argue with her instead i just ignore her calls and don't bother dealing with her but i feel it is just going to cause tension since i haven't spoken to my father in law and even my husband's sister talks to me so i don't want to end relationships with them but at the end of the day the only person i care about how he feels towards me is truly my husband other than that my conscience is clear about how great and kind i have been to his family, so i should just leave things like that until and if she calls again?

 

i fear she is badmouthing about me to others and i don't want them to think bad of me over her own manipulation but i'll just have to deal with it. She is probably telling everybody how she tried apologizing to me and how horrible i am to not consider it or something ugh she is horrible

Edited November 11, 2013 by down hearted

[d0nnivain]

When you say reach out to her to fix things what do you mean? Are you extending an olive branch? If you want to & you can, go ahead but what happens when she pi$$es you off again while you are trying to apologize? I think it will make things work.

 

Not every problem has to be met head on. Many families, mine included, have successfully indulged in avoidance behaviors for years. We don't talk about it. We pretend it never happened & for a few hours a year -- on major holidays, at weddings & funerals, we co-exist in a room. No drama. Little communication. No real upset. The upset, the drama & the real harm comes when we try to talk about it with an eye toward fixing it. Some things just are meant to be left alone. You don't poke a stick at a wasp's nest.

 

As long as the lines of communication are open with the rest of the family & you always take the high road (not saying one bad word about her, except maybe in private to your husband after you are immediately attacked), who ever she may be bad-mouthing you to, shouldn't believe her. People who act like your MIL don't wake up 1 day & do this. The signs have been there a while; you are not her 1st "victim" so those around her will take any thing she says with a grain of salt.

[down hearted]

When you say reach out to her to fix things what do you mean? Are you extending an olive branch? If you want to & you can, go ahead but what happens when she pi$$es you off again while you are trying to apologize? I think it will make things work.

 

Not every problem has to be met head on. Many families, mine included, have successfully indulged in avoidance behaviors for years. We don't talk about it. We pretend it never happened & for a few hours a year -- on major holidays, at weddings & funerals, we co-exist in a room. No drama. Little communication. No real upset. The upset, the drama & the real harm comes when we try to talk about it with an eye toward fixing it. Some things just are meant to be left alone. You don't poke a stick at a wasp's nest.

 

As long as the lines of communication are open with the rest of the family & you always take the high road (not saying one bad word about her, except maybe in private to your husband after you are immediately attacked), who ever she may be bad-mouthing you to, shouldn't believe her. People who act like your MIL don't wake up 1 day & do this. The signs have been there a while; you are not her 1st "victim" so those around her will take any thing she says with a grain of salt.

 

You are so right! Your advice is always great! If my husband understands me when i say i don't want to talk to her because of the incident then that's truly the only opinion i care about. I won't see my husband's family for the holidays though unless i personally go out of my way to see them, this is where i begin to feel awkward in a sense, since i haven't spoken to my MIL, i guess i'll just call or text my husband's sister to wish her happy holidays only?

[d0nnivain]

I'd send actual snail mail cards & gifts but I'm passive aggressive that way, sort of a see, look at me taking the high road. Sign it, Merry Christmas (or Happy Holidays, whatever it is that you celebrated) and put your husbands name first then yours.

 

 

She is your MIL. Your DH is deployed which is probably stressing her out too because her baby is in harm's way.

 

 

You have a lot going on with your grandmother (?) & your dopey friends with this house / car BS.

 

 

Good luck.

[Pastypop]

Honestly, I'd just distance myself from her and concentrate on making your marriage stronger. I have terrible in-laws and went with the grin and bear it route and almost lost my marriage. While I was trying this approach, she was calling my husband when I wasn't around and telling him our marriage didn't matter and he believed her. I never knew this was going on for 5 years. Your MIL has drawn her line in the sand and will take it up several notches when you start having children. Just tell your husband about the abuse, anf that you've tried to have a relationship with her no avail. Tell him it is probably in the best interest of the marriage that you avoid her going forward. If we wouldn't have had small children he would have left me because of her. With some hard work, I was able to get her out of our lives for the most part and my marriage has turned around 100%.

[down hearted]

Honestly, I'd just distance myself from her and concentrate on making your marriage stronger. I have terrible in-laws and went with the grin and bear it route and almost lost my marriage. While I was trying this approach, she was calling my husband when I wasn't around and telling him our marriage didn't matter and he believed her. I never knew this was going on for 5 years. Your MIL has drawn her line in the sand and will take it up several notches when you start having children. Just tell your husband about the abuse, anf that you've tried to have a relationship with her no avail. Tell him it is probably in the best interest of the marriage that you avoid her going forward. If we wouldn't have had small children he would have left me because of her. With some hard work, I was able to get her out of our lives for the most part and my marriage has turned around 100%.

 

That is what worries me, she is very manipulative and she always plays victim "poor little old me" and my husband eventually believes her, she has in the past gotten mad because my husband rarely has time to call her and she blames our marriage for that until i sorta called her out on it in a polite way. Today before my husband called me he called her and i found out through my husband's sister and i am worried that she may start giving him guilt trips like she usually does specially talking badly about our marriage to like it happened to you and for my husband to believe her(which i know he will eventually fall prey to her manipulation), how did you make your husband realize his mother was out of line? How did you manage to handle this situation? This lady is really something else i don't know how to handle her, i was really thinking about it and the more i do the angrier i get. I truly feel she will be the reason for my divorce. Sometimes i feel like just telling her that, that she will be the cause of me and my husband's divorce. ugh

 

funny thing is she can't stand her own mother in law yet she behaves the same you would think she would choose to be a better inlaw

[turnera]

I wouldn't go out of my way to 'apologize' to her, but I wouldn't avoid her, either. BUT, I definitely would have my keys in my hand any time I was around her. That way, the INSTANT she starts becoming belligerent or abusive, you will simply pick up your purse, kiss your husband, say "I'm leaving; call me when you're ready to go and I'll come pick you up" and LEAVE.

 

That is ALL YOU HAVE TO DO. You may have to do it 2 or 3 times, but she WILL learn.

[Pastypop]

What I did was put all my kids in activities year round. When they aren't doing that, they go to camps or we take vacations. This takes up all our time and gives valid excuses on why we don't have to go visit her. When the holidays come around, I volunteer to work for my co-workers and my husband's vacation time is used by then too! She lives 8 hours away from us so this system has worked out well. My husband will take them up to see her for about three weekdays because they have to be back for a weekend activity. They don't come to visit because I don't invite them. She never contacts me, doesn't really have a way and I don't contact her. My husband has never figured out that I do all this as a way to get her out of my marriage and he never will. She calls every two weeks while he driving home from work to complain because she never gets to see the kids. I could care less. She has tried her best to break up my family and now she can reap what she has sown. You will have to come up with something like work or school to avoid seeing her. This will cause a lot less drama for your marriage.

[down hearted]

What I did was put all my kids in activities year round. When they aren't doing that, they go to camps or we take vacations. This takes up all our time and gives valid excuses on why we don't have to go visit her. When the holidays come around, I volunteer to work for my co-workers and my husband's vacation time is used by then too! She lives 8 hours away from us so this system has worked out well. My husband will take them up to see her for about three weekdays because they have to be back for a weekend activity. They don't come to visit because I don't invite them. She never contacts me, doesn't really have a way and I don't contact her. My husband has never figured out that I do all this as a way to get her out of my marriage and he never will. She calls every two weeks while he driving home from work to complain because she never gets to see the kids. I could care less. She has tried her best to break up my family and now she can reap what she has sown. You will have to come up with something like work or school to avoid seeing her. This will cause a lot less drama for your marriage.

 

 

I have completely distanced myself from her, i don't call her since last time when the incident happened she called me the day after and then a few days later i never answered her, which now i see my life more drama free which is quite lovely, I've decided the only thing i will do is the last day i stay here in our hometown once my husband gets to our house(different place), i'll just ask her if she wants me to send him anything on her behalf before i leave the next day and if she starts going on about what happened i'll avoid the conversation and just get to the point, other than that no happy holidays on my part, just for my husband's sister via text message or something.

 

I'll definitely start trying to get my husband to take more time off to go on vacation now. The more the better and keep our lives busy (although she makes it difficult to always intervening with her marital issues and pity guilt trips to my husband), and that will be just awkward as heck, she wants to visit us and stay with us for vacation i don't know how those 2 weeks and a half will be, but it will be hard to act like nothing:rolleyes: