MW dating MM and want to hear from others for advice

[kim_mc]

Hello everyone, sorry about the earlier post, but I spent quite some time typing something only to find out that it never posted.

 

Anyway, I am a MW dating a MM. We met online back in July, and have been meeting weekly ever since. Both of us have had/ are having issues in our marriage, which have led us to each other. Yes, I know ther are other ways of dealing with problems in a marriage, but we both fill the void we are both experiencing.

 

My hubby and I have been having issues for quite some time now. Things started going down hill immediatly after we married. We have been together for 10 yrs, 4 1/2 yrs married. I honestly think I was not really in love with him by the time we did marry, our engagement lasted almost 3 yrs. After moving in to our apartment sex and intimacy became non - existant. We both lived with our parents during our courtship, so our sex life was pretty grim even then. Now it was worse. However, I was busy going to school, and work which distracted me from what happening in our marriage.

 

At this time, my husband was given a promotion and had more responsibility, more work to bring home, and less attention for me. I knew something was wrong but did not know how to bring it up to him. At this point it had been 6 months and no sex. The funny thing about it is, I didn't really have the desire anyway. I finally gave up the nerve to ask him why we are not intimate. He said it was due to work, and being tired all of the time. Him and I both agreed it was not healthy for our marriage, and he assured me things would change. Things did not change. I would ask him once in a while if he was tired, which he knew to be a que that I wanted to be intimate. He would say oh, i'm real tired babe. No, he was not cheating on me. Like you might think. I know that for a fact. When he was not with me he was working.

 

Fast forward 3 yrs. Him and I moved 6 hrs from home for his job, another promotion he could not turn down. So here I am, no family or friends, far away from what I know to be home(30 yrs in the same place)and with a man whom I have nothing in common with, very little feelings for and no intimacy with. Things went from bad to worse. I think the move definately hit home for me. Him and I drifted further apart. I really felt alone, with no one to talk to.

 

I started chatting online and met a few people I would talk to. One man in particular I started talk to and seeing once in a while. He was a MM, not attracted to his wife, blah blah blah. We talked about our the problems in our marriages. I liked the attention I was getting and the fact that he would listen to me. It went on for 2 months. Now pls don't judge me for this. I never in a million years thought I would cheat on my hubby. My mom cheated on my Dad, and I hated her for it. But at this point I started to realize that she herself was not happy, and I started to relate to her. No matter how good a person my dad was, they has issues.

 

I finally decided to tell hubby how I was feeling. I told him I was unhappy. I felt neglected, unloved, unappreciated, and alone. He was completely shocked. He is not a stupid man, but I do not understand how one person in a marriage can be so blind. We separated for a month and decided to work things out. I ended it with the MM.

 

Fast forward another year, and here I am today. Nothing has really changed with us. The only thing I can say I am happy about is buying a new home. We have sex maybe once every two months. Even then it's like pulling teeth. The only time we do is in the AM when he already has a hard on. Which has made me wonder if he was having problems with disfunction. Lo and behold I found a empty bottle of Viagra in an old briefcase in his car. The date on the bottle was from last year when I confronted him about my unhappiness. Apparently he tried to do something about his lack of desire. However, since then we have had sex maybe 8 times. The sad part is he never told me he was going to try it. Now you can see where we don't communicate about anything.

 

Now, back to the MM I am currently seeing. It will be almost 6 months since meeting him. He is a great guy, and I can see myself with him in the future. Yes, him and I have discussed it. He wants to leave his wife, and has been thinking about it for some time. He claims he is setting things in motion, own bank acct to stash $. We are just seeing how things will go. We do care for each other and have feelings. I am having a little bit of a hard time with all of this. I care for him deeply. What him and I have is nothing like I had with the other MM. MM and I have so much in common, same interests, goals, and very compatible in the bedroom. He is an extremely passionate lover, He tells me all he wants is to please me. And boy does he. Before him I could not orgasm. I guess this could also be because sex with my husband lasts exactly two minutes and that is with foreplay. With MM it is always amazing, and he tells me it's too good. Our love making, and that is want he calls it, lasts at least 45 min before he orgasms. It's just incredible...

 

The problem lies in that I want to be with him so badly. I want to be a part of his life, more so than I already am. We talk daily several times and see each other weekly. But only for about 5-6 hrs each time. And every time we part I feel this over whelming sadness. He always assures me that in the end everything will be alright. Sigh. To top it all off, today is his anniversary. I told him I was feeling a little jealous and on edge today. I hate feeling this way. He said it just shows him that I care for him.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I have wanted to get this all out.

[indigo_moon]

This sounds amazingly similar to the recent post of today by "karenmac62" in the Dating forum. Was that you?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t53386/

 

I feel very sorry for your husband...as much as you accuse him of being oblivious to the problems and distance in your marriage, I don't gather from your post that you did much to sit him down and communicate with him how you were feeling. Men aren't mind-readers.........and the poor guy sounds like he was overwhelmed with work and responsibility that comes with job promotions...............perhaps he was totally stressed out and feeling incredible pressure from work and life in general......causing him to have difficulties with his libido and/or ability to get/maintain an erection. Can you imagine how difficult that would be for a man to have to admit to? A large part a man's identity (whether it's right or wrong) is his ability to satisfy his woman and perform in bed..................my guess is that he distanced himself from you because he was too ashamed to admit to you the "problem" he was having "down there." The fact that you found Viagra would support this....at least the poor guy was trying to do something about it. I feel very sorry for him.

 

It seems though, that you're more concerned with the new house you both have than what you're doing to your poor husband. Are you just sticking around for the financial/material benefits? It's really easy to "blame him" but can you say you did everything you possibly could do to find out what was going on with him? Did you suggest marriage counselling? Did you try to initiate heart to heart talks with him?

 

Seems to me that 98% of people who have extramarital affairs have very creative ways to justify why they're doing so......yet when you question them, and/or they get honest with you and themself, they come to admit they didn't do all that much to get to the heart of the issues...........they just chose the easy way out............a roll in the sack with people on the side.........obviously not fixing the problem...........obviously being selfish and remaining in a marriage that really isn't a marriage.

 

Why don't you just divorce your husband and let him be free to be with someone who will be true to him?

 

Why are you staying with him if you're getting it on on the side with somoene else's husband?

 

Sorry but you're only deluding yourself if you believe for one minute that your MM is going to seriously leave his wife for you. Read through the threads in this forum..............................can't say I've ever read one (and there's thousands) where the MM or MW left their spouse. Why would you want someone who, like you, has such little integrity that they continue to remain with a spouse yet they're not happy?

 

You think if he ever DID leave his wife that he'd remain with you forever? Get real. If he could cheat with you, he'll eventually cheat on you. And his account of his unhappy marriage might just (and likely is) be a huge steaming pile of bullsh*t..........because truthful people who are miserable in their marriages get out of them....................but wait, you'll say he's remaining for the kids? or because he doesn't want to get taken to the cleaners? Yep, cheaters use these excuses all the time................meanwhile, they're almost always continuing to have sex with their spouse (when they might be lying and saying that never happens) and what they're really liking is the excitement and thrill of having a guaranteed lay on the side..........having their cake and being able to eat it, too. Sorry but I think you're naive and my condolences to your poor husband. Go buy yourself your own home, why should he work to buy you things when you're betraying him like you are? he deserves better.

[immoralist]

Unless children are in the picture, and you have not mentioned them, why in heaven's name are you still married to your loser husband? He boinks you 6 times a year at 2 minutes a pop. That's 12 minutes of sex a year--not even a quarter hour.

 

I understand why you're a serial adulterer. What I don't comprehend is why you remain married to this guy. Why are terrible marriages so sticky?

 

Separate and divorce this guy, and then find some available stud with whom you can make-up for 10 years lost time. Life's too short to remain mired in a bad sex marriage while aching for some married guy who's boinking his wife in celebration of their wedding anniversary.

 

Do you like pain in stereo?

[Beentheredonethat]

Well, apart from the "dating".

 

I agree with the gentleman who just posted. I think you have told your husband you are unhappy. He had a shot, and he just isn't stepping up to the plate. Maybe if he sees he is really losing you, he can try to be more of a husband to you. And if he doesn't, at least you will be free, and available to see single men who are deserving of you.

 

A married man who wants you to "wait for him" is no catch. Look at it this way; you were lonely, aching, and feeling like no one wanted you. Now you know you are a woman men will want to be with.

 

Cut yourself free, and live life out in the open.

[kim_mc]

Thanks to all who responded

 

Do I feel horrible about what I am doing?, Yes. Do I want to stop?, No. Has my husband tried to do anything to help our situation? No. Have I approached him in the past? Yes, many times! To be honest, it was last year, while looking for a home the first time, that I confessed to him my unhappiness. Because I felt if we did purchase a home together it would make things between us permanent, and I was having doubts. Material things mean absolutely nothing to me. That was something that was brought up by him during our conversation last year. He would do anything for me and give me anything I had wanted. I told him that the only thing I wanted was a normal, loving relationship.

 

In a way I do feel bad, but in a way I do not. One thing I forgot to mention is that he did find out about the MM last year. It did devastate him. He went to counseling afterward during the seperation. I went to one session. After deciding to work on things he did not want to go anymore, saying we could do it ourselves and costing too much $. The first few months were ok. He was very attentive, affectionate. The holiday's came around so we were pretty much distracted. Love making was still nill. I can remember one time him approaching me at something like 4 am. I turned him down. I guess you could say, I decided to give him a chance, but I was only half heartedly into it. I felt, and still feel that this rift between us had gone on for too long that my feelings had/have sort of faded. The counselor I spoke to told me that those feelings could come back with alot of work on his part. Him and I, at this point have simply gotten into the same old familiar routine. We're more like brother and sister than anything else.

 

In my mind, if this was the other way around, and he had cheated, and I decided I thought our marriage was worth trying to save. I would do everything I could. Especially knowing he was seeking company elsewhere.

 

I do have one friend with whom I confide in. She knows about what is going on. She just can't believe that even after all this time, things have only gotten slightly better, if that. The sex is the same pretty much. Emotionally, there is just nothing there. I think the feelings are mutual for him. Last year, I asked him if he loved me and he told me he did not think so anymore. Who knows.

 

Now, about the MM i'm currently with. I realize that the chances of him leaving are low. Do I believe him when he says he is unhappy in his current situation, yes. I did not look to meet someone whom I thought would eventually leave their wife. If it happened, great. I am not an expert by any means. But I think that for someone to cheat on a spouse there has to be something going on in the relationship to cause it. If hubby and I were completely happy and satisfied cheating would have never came into play. I am not blaming him totally, but he had a choice, his job or me.

[The_Analyzer]

"If hubby and I were completely happy and satisfied, cheating would have never came into play."

 

I understand you're unhappy, but if you're that miserable and not getting what you need/want from your husband, then you should have gotten out of the marriage first. Its what you probably need to do anyway. I think alot of damage has been done and not real sure you even want to put the pieces back together. If you're not willing to do more counseling and neither is your husband, then move on. Time to make some kind of move.

[Owl]

So, let me get this straight...you've had TWO affairs in the last year....and it's all hubby's fault?

 

Understand something VERY clearly...when you begin investing yourself (emotionally, physically, etc...) with another man, you begin distancing yourself from your husband. That's just a plain fact. That is exactly how most people get CAUGHT...their spouses notice that distancing. But it's darn hard for a spouse to deal with that...it hurts, and its often something that they don't understand at first. So what do they do?? They pull away themselves...to minimize that pain. Trust me...been there. You have NO IDEA how much that hurts.

 

So you wonder why your husband has been so distant and cold? Take a look at yourself. Like I said...I've been there. You BOTH created this situation. Both of you have needs that neither one of you have met for the other...hence your affair!

 

As far as your feelings for the MM...go read the first few chapters of "The Five Languages of Love"...read about the difference that it has for "love" and "in love". Guess what...he's in that same state too!

 

Advice, which is what I assume you posted here for: 1. Break it ALL off with your MM for at least six months. If he's your "soul mate", your "other half", then six months should mean nothing, right? You should just want him all the more after that. Tell him that you need it to make sure that what you feel is true, and tell him that he needs to learn the same thing for himself. 2. Confess to your husband EVERYTHING. Tell him what you feel, why, etc... Tell him EVERYTHING about your affair(s). Leave nothing out. 3. Decide after that WITH your husband if there is anything left to salvage in your marriage. Its NOT just your choice...this is his marriage too ya know. He may very well decide you're not worth the pain anymore and go looking for someone who CAN be faithful to him. 4. If you decide to stay...then WORK at it for six months. Go to counseling. MAINTAIN AN NC with your MM for the whole time...the timer starts over with every email or text message!!! Try to look for the man you fell in love with in your husband years ago. And, if after six months you still feel nothing for him, and still just HAVE to be with your MM, and you've been totally honest and maintained NC with him for that time...then file a divorce and begin working on leaving your husband for him. 5. If you decide NOT to stay with your husband, or if he decides to leave you...then break off your affair until after you've completed your divorce. Again, it should make your time with your MM all the better when it resumes, and if it's "true love" then he'll still be there for you.

 

Good luck, regardless.

[mr314man]

i agree with the post with the five part plan. do that. you are sitting on a fence right now. get OFF the fence.

 

I was like your husband... essentially 'dead' in the marraige. the ex was too. she found a MM and started an emotional thing through work... she and he did all this unscrupulous money stuff together, ripping off their employer... to the ex, that's attractive... morally inept guys.

 

anyway within three months, she distanced, we refied our house, had family photos taken, i began taking an anti-depressant to help with 'energy levels', sex picked up, she drove me to get a vasectomy, the next week, she hired HIM to do some work on our house, i observed some subtlties about them and asked her is there was anything i needed to be worried about... she said "No, and if you think that way we might want to think about divorce." We immediately started counselling, went on a family cruise, believed we were 'doing some good work'... then the BOMB dropped.

 

I accessed her voicemail and heard this rambling love message from him on her phone... this was on Valentine's Day. I researched the cell phone bills going back a few months and realized she'd been talking to him an hour each day... I did "in depth research" and found she called him one day right after we had sex. He actually showed up at our Christmas Party the day after they had their first "motel room" together.

 

So I see similarities here. My ex is a wicked soul. I did nothing to deserve her treatment. Granted, the marraige was in trouble. There's no way to predict how/if we could have worked it out. I do know that if she's doing all this fraudulent crap "under the radar" while pretending to go to counselling, etc... then we were doomed from the start. She should have spoken up.

 

I would rather her "hit me over the head" and walk out or whatever. The deception and deceit is just plain black, bottomless, evil. Do not do that to him. Sit in a dark room and do some deep thinking. I believe you need out. A guy posted earlier about that, rather bluntly. He's right. Get out. Do not keep slithering around doing your wicked crap.

 

As for the MM... well my ex's MM divorced his wife... (it was his THIRD divorce) my ex and him now live in my old house. I was "bought out" quite handsomely. I wish them well. Really. There is a broken home and two little girls without a traditional dad. Karma will come around to them both. My karma is good, met someone, taking it slowly, both of us have commonality and are falling in love. Sex with her is erotic and 45 minutes would be considered a "quickie" to us.

 

Level with your husband. As for the MM, he's a weasel. If you do not get honest with your husband, you and the married weasel you "love" deserve eachother. Ouch. Moral to this story: be real.

 

OK... fire away people!