My SO left 2 days ago...LDR or not???

[brightlights]

Hi everyone. I met my SO at the beginning of the year, and ever since it was love at first sight. We could never be apart from each other. It was very intense and I never knew I could feel this way about anyone.

 

He was living with his aunt who had dementia and soon was put in a nursing home. Shortly after, the super began an eviction process because he wasn't on the lease. After going to court he was given until October 31st.

 

He ended up coming to my house to live a few weeks before that and it was the best time I could of asked for. Between him cooking all the time and cleaning. I felt protected and had someone I could count on. Yet, he had to do something, and his father who's a professor at an university in Florida offered him the chance to go back to school and get a degree which he never got.

 

He accepted his father's offer and I supported him. He should better himself. The degree he chose takes 18-24mths to complete, and I don't know what's going to happen to us because LDR are so difficult .

 

Can anyone tell me if it's worth trying to have a LDR or should I just try to move on and if once he's done our paths happen to cross again let destiny take it's course?

[d0nnivain]

LDRs can be done if there is a known end point. I would never enter into an open ended one where I had no meaningful chance of being with the other person.

 

Here you're talking 2 years. With all the technology available you should be able to swing it. You can talk on the phone daily. You can skype. You have texts, e-mail, FB & other social media. When I had my LDR all we had was snail mail & phone. Long distance calls were expensive then so we were limited to 1 per week.

 

Hopefully you both have enough disposable income so you can go visit once in a while.

 

If the relationship is a as good as you say, 2 years should be no big deal.

[Els]

LDRs are difficult at best, even when both people are fully committed to making it work. People usually underestimate the true effects of distance and start out with strong conviction - and even then it doesn't always work. If you are this doubtful before it has even started, it may be best to break things off, IMO.

 

How old are you? Have the two of you even talked about the possibility of a LDR? What does he think of it?

[nomadic_butterfly]

Hi everyone. I met my SO at the beginning of the year, and ever since it was love at first sight. We could never be apart from each other. It was very intense and I never knew I could feel this way about anyone.

 

He was living with his aunt who had dementia and soon was put in a nursing home. Shortly after, the super began an eviction process because he wasn't on the lease. After going to court he was given until October 31st.

 

He ended up coming to my house to live a few weeks before that and it was the best time I could of asked for. Between him cooking all the time and cleaning. I felt protected and had someone I could count on. Yet, he had to do something, and his father who's a professor at an university in Florida offered him the chance to go back to school and get a degree which he never got.

 

He accepted his father's offer and I supported him. He should better himself. The degree he chose takes 18-24mths to complete, and I don't know what's going to happen to us because LDR are so difficult .

 

Can anyone tell me if it's worth trying to have a LDR or should I just try to move on and if once he's done our paths happen to cross again let destiny take it's course?

 

How in the world can anyone but you answer this? LOL. If there is long term potential, then of course you should work something out. If either of you aren't sure and/or don't see something long term then let it go. Long distance will for sure test the foundation of your relationship. If it is built on something solid, it will stand the test of time, if not, then you will not make it.

 

I think you guys have been together long enough and been through enough to see the character of the other to make a decision. All the best!

Edited November 11, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[soccerrprp]

With what you've both been through, I would have assumed that LDR was in the cards. Talk to him about it. I'm in a LDR now and visit my gf monthly. But, I am planning to move out to where she is in the next 8 or so months. There needs to be a plan of action. I told my gf that i am not moving out there to continue "dating" her. The message is clear and the expectations known.

 

Good luck.

[SherryEast]

Hi everyone. I met my SO at the beginning of the year, and ever since it was love at first sight. We could never be apart from each other. It was very intense and I never knew I could feel this way about anyone.

 

He was living with his aunt who had dementia and soon was put in a nursing home. Shortly after, the super began an eviction process because he wasn't on the lease. After going to court he was given until October 31st.

 

He ended up coming to my house to live a few weeks before that and it was the best time I could of asked for. Between him cooking all the time and cleaning. I felt protected and had someone I could count on. Yet, he had to do something, and his father who's a professor at an university in Florida offered him the chance to go back to school and get a degree which he never got.

 

He accepted his father's offer and I supported him. He should better himself. The degree he chose takes 18-24mths to complete, and I don't know what's going to happen to us because LDR are so difficult .

 

Can anyone tell me if it's worth trying to have a LDR or should I just try to move on and if once he's done our paths happen to cross again let destiny take it's course?

 

Is there any way for you to relocate to where he is a some point? That might be a good solution, so this way he betters himself and you're still with him. Good luck.

[sun1972]

Yes you can make it work if its just two years.

 

We lasted much longer as an LDR - heck the first two years were relatively easy!

 

You need a plan though.. an LDR is doomed to fail without a definite plan to move to each other in a set period of time.

 

In your case, he is going to study, i would suggest that you support him as much as possible during the degree, talk lots, visit when you can

 

But on the understanding that when the degree is over one of you will move.

 

Without that, its pointless...

[brightlights]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I spoke with him regarding what we should do, and he mentioned he was hoping I would move to him eventually, which is difficult since I just bought a place, so we would have to think about that more.

 

In terms of the LDR he was very hesitant about it. He has trust issues because he was cheated on in the past, btw to answer someones question I'm 30 and he's 35. So he started ranting about that he feels he's going to be stressed thinking about what I'm doing or where I am all the time even though and he said it himself I don't go out much. So he said he'd rather us be close friends and talk on the phone still daily and so forth and still visit each other until either I can move or he finishes school.

 

I wasn't expecting that from him. I don't know what to think now. Does this happen often, where once they leave they feel it too difficult to stay in the relationship? I'm confused and feel hurt after speaking to him and don't know what I should do.

[d0nnivain]

Some people can't handle LDRs. If that is what he wants, fine but to me that means you are both free to date other people & it exponentially increases the odds that one of you won't be available when he finishes school.

 

 

He's punishing you for what somebody else did but only he can change that thinking.

[justwhoiam]

he said he'd rather us be close friends and talk on the phone still daily and so forth and still visit each other until either I can move or he finishes school.

God forbid, no. I mean, weren't you living like a couple already? Or was he staying at your place like a friend?

[CherryT]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I spoke with him regarding what we should do, and he mentioned he was hoping I would move to him eventually, which is difficult since I just bought a place, so we would have to think about that more.

 

In terms of the LDR he was very hesitant about it. He has trust issues because he was cheated on in the past, btw to answer someones question I'm 30 and he's 35. So he started ranting about that he feels he's going to be stressed thinking about what I'm doing or where I am all the time even though and he said it himself I don't go out much. So he said he'd rather us be close friends and talk on the phone still daily and so forth and still visit each other until either I can move or he finishes school.

 

I wasn't expecting that from him. I don't know what to think now. Does this happen often, where once they leave they feel it too difficult to stay in the relationship? I'm confused and feel hurt after speaking to him and don't know what I should do.

 

As someone who 1) been cheated on 2) have been in a LDR for years and 3) owns my own house too… i can say it is worth it if BOTH people are in it. He cannot expect you to move to him if he's not willing to work through his own insecurities and realize that this relationship is with YOU and not with the person who once cheated on him.

 

LDR can work out. After being LD for 2 years, we are finally closing the distance. Although we're in the same timezone, I am still moving to a different country. It hasn't been easy but I know why I'm doing it and who I'm doing it for. If he can't see that with you, I wouldn't do a LDR with him. He has to trust you and you trust him and know that his schooling is temporary and that if he's the one, you can work out the logistics of your home (if you want). Your life goals should be matched. If you want marriage, kids etc and you both don't ever want to be in the same place, better to know now.