nepo Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 A bit about me... I am 25 years old and I moved to the U.S. When I was 20 to marry an American. It was a mistake and we separated. I still live in the U.S. I have no family here and very few friends. I seem to have lost them all when I left my ex and have had a hard time making new friends. I have always been a person that needs others around. I feel like I am in my element when I can take care of the people I love. I know I have a lot to give and all I want in return is for someone to feel for me what I feel for them. Today I broke up with my boyfriend who I had seen for about 4 months. There was a lot going on there we figured a lot out but I was that STUPID girl that just couldn't let it go so I looked in his phone only to find texts from an ex. recent texts mentioning sexy time and a place to meet. Of course I was very upset and he decided to turn that around and blame it on me. Saying I had broken his trust by looking in his phone... That's beside the point. I have come home tonight and am sitting here on this couch alone and I can;t tell if I am more upset that I no longer have HIM in my life or if it is because I am going to have to return to being that lonely person with the life I hated so much. I know that a lot of it has to do with him. I cared about him very much and I am so crushed but I just feel like I NEED someone in my life and I'm starting to realise that's not healthy I just don't know how to stop that feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Your boyfriend that you just dumped IS a cheater and he tried to blame you for going into his phone (aka busting him!). Do you see he's not worth your tears? Make a trip home if possible. You need a change of scenery, and to be around people who know you, love and care about you. Being alone isn't easy. You moved to the US, married someone and unfortunately it didn't work out. How long ago did you and your husband separate? Is it heading to divorce? And, how much time was between the marriage ending and you dating someone else (aka cheating bf)? Try to connect with the friends you do have now. Get to know new people, push yourself to join a meet up group (tennis, or some other hobby you enjoy), this way you're around different people who have the same passion as you. Embrace this time alone. A lot has happened so it's kind of good to reflect, to grieve and that gives you a chance to grow and be ready for the next guy when the timing is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nepo Posted November 11, 2013 Author Share Posted November 11, 2013 I was not very clear on my situation. I separated from my Husband 2 years ago. We are divorced and have been since the beginning of this year. The only reason it took so long was because I couldn't afford it. I don't know that he is a cheater. I am trying to convince myself he is but he seems to think I took it all out of context and that I should never have looked for it in the first place. He says since we were together he never slept with another person. He's never lied about anything that I know of up to this point and we had been so happy with each other until a few weeks ago. I told him I was done but that I still cared for him very much and that this was not what I wanted. I know that was a mistake. Perhaps not even a proper break up. I want to finish it and be done but at the same time all I want to do is crawl into his lap and have him hold me.I truly thought and still do, that he is not a person that could do this. Somehow he has convinced me that this situation was my fault and I am believing that the more and more I think about it. Either way I have recognised that I feel like without him my life is not going to move on and that's not healthy. I feel like i need to fill that void and it is making me want to contact prior exes just to feel wanted. I want to go home but a ticket to Australia just is not in the budget any time soon. I need to learn how to be alone and to not need someone else there to make me feel like I am worth something. I just don;t know where to start. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 (edited) recent texts mentioning sexy time and a place to meet. This is pretty damning evidence, at least it shows he's up to no good and been having inappropriate conversations with his ex. I mean, why is she still in his life, why text and say stuff like that? Red flag. Another red flag? His reaction to you seeing those texts. If it was innocent, why did he freak out? Why didn't he calmly talk to you, make you feel loved and special, tell you not to worry? His anger towards you and blaming you is telling. Don't ignore that. Either way I have recognised that I feel like without him my life is not going to move on and that's not healthy. I feel like i need to fill that void and it is making me want to contact prior exes just to feel wanted. I want to go home but a ticket to Australia just is not in the budget any time soon. Then ask your parents to help out. Explain to them that you need to come home for a visit and a break from everything. I need to learn how to be alone and to not need someone else there to make me feel like I am worth something. I just don;t know where to start. Have you thought about some counseling to help you with this? You are worth something! A LOT! No man can provide that for you unless you believe it yourself. List (don't have to do it here, but for yourself) 10 things that you love about yourself and list all your accomplishments, could be anything from work related projects, to helping a friend, doing a good deed. Seems your self confidence has taken a dive and you need to build that back up. Edited November 11, 2013 by whichwayisup 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SerCay Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 So you married a guy to move to the US, got the green card, and ditched him. Now you need advice on how to meet people. Am I following correctly so far? What is wrong with you? Link to post Share on other sites
SerCay Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Nepo, I recognise your behaviours. Read into co-dependency...you'll probably be surprised how much the old self esteem issue has to do with your tolerance towards a cheater (which your current ex is) and your need to be around people constantly. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Nepo As much as you might not want to be single, you need to be single. You can't continue to define yourself based upon your participation in a romantic relationship. It's just not healthy. If you need to have others around & to be able to care for other people in order to feel good about yourself, volunteer somewhere. It will give you something to do & people who will appreciate your efforts. It won't stop you from having to come home to an empty house but it may give you purpose. To ease the empty house loneliness consider getting a roommate or a pet. Link to post Share on other sites
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