How do people settle?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am curious how do people date someone they are meh about and end up sticking with it? Some of them even seem genuinely happy.

 

My life would be so much easier if I could do that. I am looking for some pointers, especially from women.

[Titania22]

Good Question ES. I have no idea how they do it. I don't think I ever could.

[OpheliaSong]

I know many people in the olden times did it because they were just looking for financial security or they wanted a mother for their children, housekeeper, cook. Almost like a business arrangement. Now, women make our own money and don't need to do that anymore so I don't see it that often, tbh.

[Uwaae]

Pretty soon the spark burns out anyway.

 

If you can find someone that sparks your life a little more each day, and is consistently good, and not showy just for the world, I think thats a good way to stay and be happy.

 

...you might have wanted an answer that I did not give

[Kate9292]

I am curious how do people date someone they are meh about and end up sticking with it? Some of them even seem genuinely happy.

 

My life would be so much easier if I could do that. I am looking for some pointers, especially from women.

 

Don't do it!

 

I don't think they can hide resentment of not getting partner they really want. They may hold it for a while but it will eventually blow up. And it's gonna get ugly.

[Necris]

I am curious how do people date someone they are meh about and end up sticking with it? Some of them even seem genuinely happy.

 

My life would be so much easier if I could do that. I am looking for some pointers, especially from women.

 

Easy, by being desperate and feeling like their is no other options.

 

To further explain as an example let's say you are a guy can't seem to ever get a relationship going or even dates in years, always rejected, lonely, and from your perspective you can't see any prospects at all anywhere. You then meet a girl you quite honestly don't find very attractive at all (could be a bad personality or unattractive looks or both doesn't really matter) but she isn't rejecting you either so what is this guy to do?

 

The girl on the otherhand probably is in a similar predicament and may not really feel the guy is all that attractive either, but she is lonely.

 

So they decide to settle for one another, under the belief that this is better than being alone.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Pretty soon the spark burns out anyway.

 

If you can find someone that sparks your life a little more each day, and is consistently good, and not showy just for the world, I think thats a good way to stay and be happy.

 

...you might have wanted an answer that I did not give

 

Nope, that's exactly what I need. I need a good, decent, faithful guy.

 

Obviously the way I went about things so far didn't work.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Easy, by being desperate and feeling like their is no other options.

 

To further explain as an example let's say you are a guy can't seem to ever get a relationship going or even dates in years, always rejected, lonely, and from your perspective you can't see any prospects at all anywhere. You then meet a girl you quite honestly don't find very attractive at all (could be a bad personality or unattractive looks or both doesn't really matter) but she isn't rejecting you either so what is this guy to do?

 

The girl on the otherhand probably is in a similar predicament and may not really feel the guy is all that attractive either, but she is lonely.

 

So they decide to settle for one another, under the belief that this is better than being alone.

 

Aw hugs Necris. Out of all long time single guys that make bitter posts, you are probably the nicest. Some woman will appreciate that.

[NJtoDC]

I am curious how do people date someone they are meh about and end up sticking with it? Some of them even seem genuinely happy.

 

My life would be so much easier if I could do that. I am looking for some pointers, especially from women.

 

I think attraction can grow sometimes. Have you every known a guy who did not float your boat, but as you got to know him, you developed an attraction to him based on things other than his looks? Then when you look at his face you see something desirable to you? It happens.

 

But why do you say your life would be easier if you could dated someone "Meh" (does that mean looks)?

[soccerrprp]

Pretty soon the spark burns out anyway.

 

If you can find someone that sparks your life a little more each day, and is consistently good, and not showy just for the world, I think thats a good way to stay and be happy.

 

I apologize for the slight overly-philosophical response to this, but the spark may be fleeting, the resulting fire should not. Even a fire ebbs and flows and from it come sparks periodically, but if one's idea of a relationship is constant series of sparks, that is simply unreasonable. I was married to a woman that I adored for 12+ years and EVERY DAY that I greeted her after a long days work I did so with a genuine smile of satisfaction and love and a kiss. Every day.

 

For the fire to continue to burn, you need to feed it, give it air, keep it free from dampening debris and complications. Work on it.

 

I don't understand, ES, why you feel the need to get advice as to how to settle. Unless your expectations are unwieldy, settling should not be a part of your vocabulary.

[TheGuard13]

I am curious how do people date someone they are meh about and end up sticking with it? Some of them even seem genuinely happy.

 

 

Because even if they're meh about some things, some people are genuinely happy.

[xxoo]

I am curious how do people date someone they are meh about and end up sticking with it? Some of them even seem genuinely happy.

 

My life would be so much easier if I could do that. I am looking for some pointers, especially from women.

 

If they are meh about their partner, but genuinely happy, they probably weren't looking for a great love story.

 

They may be more practical in personality, even excitement averse.

 

Or maybe they found something in the partner that they need more than love and romance: stability, a dependable co-parent, financial support, etc.

 

A need is being met. Sometimes that need is simply not being alone.

[soccerrprp]

Because even if they're meh about some things, some people are genuinely happy.

 

I'm not certain what "meh" really means, but people, on the surface, may seem happy, but suspect only "content." I personally cannot be TRULY happy with someone that I am "meh" with.

[xxoo]

I'm not certain what "meh" really means, but people, on the surface, may seem happy, but suspect only "content." I personally cannot be TRULY happy with someone that I am "meh" with.

 

But maybe some people can, if they don't derive their happiness from romantic relationships. If their passions lie elsewhere, they may simply desire a stable relationship.

[soccerrprp]

But maybe some people can, if they don't derive their happiness from romantic relationships. If their passions lie elsewhere, they may simply desire a stable relationship.

 

xxoo,

 

This is sad to me. If my happiness doesn't intrinsically involve how and what my relationship is with my SO, it's simply the escape that I value. I don't know. Just me....

[d0nnivain]

Settling is a bad thing. Being with somebody -- not because you are genuinely thrilled to be their SO -- but solely because you don't want to be alone & think you can't do better is a BAD thing. Don't do it.

 

 

Revising your criteria can be a mature approach.

 

 

When I was younger I always said I'd never date a man who had been previously married or who had kids. Even though it ended for un-related reasons, I had a great relationship with a divorced dad once. By then I was in my mid-thirties so holding out for what I said I wanted in my 20s was a lot less realistic. (Ironically my husband had never been married & has no kids).

 

 

Another thing I revised was education. I have a lot of it & always said I'd never marry a man whose education level didn't rival mine. I dated guys without education but never really got serious with them. Anyway, when I met DH, he was going to school part-time on-line. I suppose you could say I "settled" but I thought of it as expanding my horizons. I developed a better understanding about distance learning & discussing his courses with him helped me to be a better teacher.

 

 

Look at the Charlotte character from Sex In The City. She thought she wanted the tall, ripped, handsome WASP. She got a hairy, Jewish, pudgy bald guy but once she realized he was such a better person & she started seeing him with her heart, not just her eyes, not only didn't she settle, she got the best possible match.

[carhill]

I am curious how do people date someone they are meh about and end up sticking with it? Some of them even seem genuinely happy.

 

As a younger man, no way, couldn't do. Nowadays, no problem; don't care about outcomes and ecstasy and all that, rather everyday contentedness and freedom from drama, so a relaxing social experience now and again with a non-dramatic ladyfriend would be right up my alley. So, if I had to assign a particular phrase, it would be 'don't care', relevant to any particular date or person knocking my socks off and blowing my hair back. I would recommend, if that is ever a goal, to not achieve it by the method I did. Try something else. Good luck.

[truth_seeker]

What's that Michael Buble song? I haven't met you yet? Listen to that...

[winny]

I sometimes see some married couples and get a feeling that it is more of a settlement on one of both of their sides, than love or anything. And then I wish to myself that if I could be like them then I would not be single still.

But the thing is, will doing that, settling with someone who I just ok-ok like... will that actually make me happy and get me to a situation better than what I am in now? Will I feel content and complete or I will get bitter and angry? Will I be fair to my ok-ok partner?

When I ask these things to myself, the answer always prevents me from settling.

[RonaldS]

I know a lot if people who not only settled, but are too chicken-sh*t to get out of their situations. They end up doing all kinds of weird things to compensate, such as becoming very devoted to having the nicest lawn they can have. My ex father-in-law used to spend his free time chopping wood. He claimed he was doing it to heat the home. Uh huh. I couldn't help thinking though, that with every swing of his ax, he was envisioning my mother-in-law's face in the wood.

 

So people settle and then they get stuck and then they construct a life that is 'good enough' and sort of anesthesizes them to their relationship.

 

Meanwhile, I got out. I now realize relationships are tentative. They have varying shelf lives, whether that's 3 weeks or 6 years. But nothing is forever, and life becomes much more enjoyable when you aren't on some quest for 'forever' with a person and can be happy just letting relationships run their course and enjoying them while they're good.

 

But people, especially people who have never made that leap into marriage, get hung up on this notion that life is not complete without that 'special somebody'. BS. Life is not complete when you willing sacrifice so much of it trying to live out some goofy fantasy that society plants into your brain.

[winny]

If they are meh about their partner, but genuinely happy, they probably weren't looking for a great love story.

 

They may be more practical in personality, even excitement averse.

 

Or maybe they found something in the partner that they need more than love and romance: stability, a dependable co-parent, financial support, etc.

 

A need is being met. Sometimes that need is simply not being alone.

 

Yes many people are looking for things other than only love.

Some like me... want everything.. LOL or at least the important criteria fulfilled.

And some don't know what are the important criteria and go for things which hardly matter in the long run

[truth_seeker]

My ex father-in-law used to spend his free time chopping wood. He claimed he was doing it to heat the home. Uh huh. I couldn't help thinking though, that with every swing of his ax, he was envisioning my mother-in-law's face in the wood.

 

lol

[RonaldS]

Yes many people are looking for things other than only love.

Some like me... want everything.. LOL or at least the important criteria fulfilled.

And some don't know what are the important criteria and go for things which hardly matter in the long run

 

My XW is a good example of somebody looking for something other than love. Just recently divorced, has never lived on her own or taken care of herself. Has lived with her parents since we separated (3 years). She went out with one guy late last year, and now they're fast-tracking to marriage. She has 3 young kids, he's recently divorced with 3 young kids, she is still torn apart by how our marriage fell apart and has never really dealt with it, and who knows what his deal is...I know his wife cheated on him a bunch of times.

 

What a recipe for success. Oh, no...I know...it's probably true love and he's the one she was meant to be with. Uh huh. That's how it works....just like in the movies.

 

Or maybe there are motivations for it that have nothing to do with love or romance.

[RonaldS]

lol

 

I know I would have been. She's a real bitch on wheels.

[soccerrprp]

My XW is a good example of somebody looking for something other than love. Just recently divorced, has never lived on her own or taken care of herself. Has lived with her parents since we separated (3 years). She went out with one guy late last year, and now they're fast-tracking to marriage. She has 3 young kids, he's recently divorced with 3 young kids, she is still torn apart by how our marriage fell apart and has never really dealt with it, and who knows what his deal is...I know his wife cheated on him a bunch of times.

 

What a recipe for success. Oh, no...I know...it's probably true love and he's the one she was meant to be with. Uh huh. That's how it works....just like in the movies.

 

Or maybe there are motivations for it that have nothing to do with love or romance.

 

 

UGH....[shiver]....UGH.