Sunfire73 Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 It's not really settling but if you have enough dating or relationship experience you learn more about yourself and what is more important. And then it would be easier to find or reject people that come along. But attraction should be a definite, not major fireworks, but just at least a 7 of a 10 is fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Some people want a relationship more than they want a certain type of person. It's important for them to have a partner, a relationship, a marriage, a family....but often in my opinion it is these relationships where the partners end up having no sex or have other complaints. They feel like friends or siblings. The truth is, for one or both partners, the strong overwhelming connection was never there. For some, having a person to share there life with is more important that who that person might be. Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 I'm not certain what "meh" really means, but people, on the surface, may seem happy, but suspect only "content." I personally cannot be TRULY happy with someone that I am "meh" with. That's you. Everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Here's how you settle: You decide what you can live with and what you can live without. You find someone who has the basic qualities you look for in a partner and overlook the flaws. No one is perfect, but you can have a good life with an imperfect person. That is not the same as being meh about someone. I doubt people who feel meh about their partners are truly happy. Don't settle for less than you can live with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 I think people settle with age. Older you get, less concerned you become about things. You just want a companion. Link to post Share on other sites
antonio1149 Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 My XW is a good example of somebody looking for something other than love. Just recently divorced, has never lived on her own or taken care of herself. Has lived with her parents since we separated (3 years). She went out with one guy late last year, and now they're fast-tracking to marriage. She has 3 young kids, he's recently divorced with 3 young kids, she is still torn apart by how our marriage fell apart and has never really dealt with it, and who knows what his deal is...I know his wife cheated on him a bunch of times. What a recipe for success. Oh, no...I know...it's probably true love and he's the one she was meant to be with. Uh huh. That's how it works....just like in the movies. Or maybe there are motivations for it that have nothing to do with love or romance. Sounds like each of them having three kids might be one of the things they bond over. I dated a woman who had been sexually abused and later became a morbidly obese lesbian (yeah, I sure know how to pick 'em). She met and married ... guess who? ... a morbidly obese butch lesbian. I don't think she picked her wife because it was the most attractive person she thought she could find--she was probably being realistic about her options and this was the type of person most likely to be inclined to love her and be a faithful partner. I recently met a woman through OLD who was very attractive and pleasant, who has two small children. She doesn't have much of a career, and is currently living with an older guy she doesn't love but who helps her out financially. I didn't think she was right for me, but let's say I had been crazy about her. I'm a footloose single guy and becoming a stepdad to two small children is a huge responsibility. Would it be a sacrifice? Yes. But would I be "settling"? Not really--if I thought she was an amazing partner for me (hard to find), it would be a "comes with the territory" situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 People can develop stronger feelings over time. But that is only if the fundamental chemistry/compatibility is fulfilled. Many people can overlook physical flaws, and the person would appear more attractive as feelings grow. That is as far as you should "settle". Don't stay in a relationship where you hope things can improve or change. It really pays to be picky and wait for your perfect match. It takes patience, but well worth it. Yes you will fail several times before it happens. But you will know exactly what you want with experience. DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE. Link to post Share on other sites
theonlyjuan Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Don't ever settle! I lied to myself and convinced myself I was really happy with my ex, I became so passive about everything. It won't make you happy deep down and when it ends it leaves you very confused. I used to settle because of the fear of being single, now I am the complete opposite. I am very picky now and no one has measured up at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Don't ever settle! I lied to myself and convinced myself I was really happy with my ex, I became so passive about everything. It won't make you happy deep down and when it ends it leaves you very confused. I used to settle because of the fear of being single, now I am the complete opposite. I am very picky now and no one has measured up at all. So, you went from one extreme to another? Now your expectations are TOO high? This certainly doesn't help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 there is absolutely nothing wrong with being too picky... otherwise its called "settling" seems this forum has come to blind leading the blind 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 there is absolutely nothing wrong with being too picky... otherwise its called "settling" seems this forum has come to blind leading the blind When being TOO picky keeps your from finding someone and you want to, yes, there needs to be re-examination of priorities. Nothing wrong with being "picky", but the TOO is a problem. If you are unwilling to examine your own behaviors, then you are truly blind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Settling in the context of relationships or marriage? IMO most people settle with both. If they didn't there wouldn't be cheating or GIGS, at least not as much as there is now. Most people can't be alone... Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 When being TOO picky keeps your from finding someone and you want to, yes, there needs to be re-examination of priorities. Nothing wrong with being "picky", but the TOO is a problem. If you are unwilling to examine your own behaviors, then you are truly blind. Being too picky on a planet where there are 3.5 billion people of each opposite sex Pretty sure I can be as picky as possible and still find what Im looking for. As for examining "your own behaviors" might want to check in on that and practice what you preach 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I think 'settling' is actually more complicated than it appears - there are so many ways in which people can settle. Take a hypothetical - say there is a woman who wants nothing more than to get married and have a family. This same woman happens to be, due to her upbringing, sexually attracted to emotionally unavailable men - who, as it turns out, make terrible husbands and fathers. She is smart enough to know that marrying an emotionally unavailable man would be a disaster in the long term, even if in the short term, he is the guy that makes her heart skip a beat. Is she settling if she chooses the nice, emotionally available guy, to start a stable family life with, even if he doesn't get her motor running? Or is she settling if she forgets about her desire to start a family and just keeps having short term relationships / casual relationships with the type of men that she is sexually drawn to? Men often have a similar dilemma - you will sometimes hear men lament the fact that the hottest women that are the best in bed are always the craziest, and not at all wife / mother material. If the guy really wants to start a family - he may have to 'settle' for a woman a little less hot. Most people that I see in long lasting marriages do just that - they take a little less in the sexual attraction department for someone that has the qualities of a good life partner and parent. And I think most responsible adults would do the same thing. Does it mean their sex life takes more work than the sex life of a lust based relationship? Sure - but there will always be compromises in any relationship somewhere. You'll also notice that the people that are unwilling to settle often are the same ones that stay single. Relationship experts seem to agree that the five most important aspects of a successful relationship are: honesty, openness, communication, trust and compromise. If you are unwilling to settle on those things, but more flexible on the superficial things (i.e. looks, money, education etc.) then it is unlikely you'll be single for long. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Being too picky on a planet where there are 3.5 billion people of each opposite sex Pretty sure I can be as picky as possible and still find what Im looking for. As for examining "your own behaviors" might want to check in on that and practice what you preach LOL! What behavior are you referring to? Is it the one where I'm dating and moving forward with the woman that I want, went after and now have? No settling, baby! "picky as possible" translates to the point where finding something under reasonable circumstances and expectations is met. There is a TOO in all areas of life....good luck. BTW, YOU DON'T have an option from 3.5 billion people. No idea what that was supposed to illustrate. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I think 'settling' is actually more complicated than it appears - there are so many ways in which people can settle. Take a hypothetical - say there is a woman who wants nothing more than to get married and have a family. This same woman happens to be, due to her upbringing, sexually attracted to emotionally unavailable men - who, as it turns out, make terrible husbands and fathers. She is smart enough to know that marrying an emotionally unavailable man would be a disaster in the long term, even if in the short term, he is the guy that makes her heart skip a beat. Does it mean their sex life takes more work than the sex life of a lust based relationship? Sure - but there will always be compromises in any relationship somewhere. QUOTE] What makes you think it is so hard to meet a partner who does make your heart skip a beat, who you have great chemistry with AND who is a nice, genuine and honest person? I am average looking but I sure as hell am not going to be with a guy who DOESN'T give me butterflies and who I have to actually WORK to enjoy the sex with due to not having that natural urge to WANT to be intimate with him. I am not asking for BRad Pitt. Or a guy who earns a lot. Obviously, being average looking, I won;t get that. However; I believe a normal girl like me CAN find a guy who has the hots for us and thik we are really attractive - to THEM. Who we have chemistry with AND who are good partners to us. It is not that hard to find men who think average women like me are attractive - seriously, I meet men all the time who genuinely find me very attractive and who feel lucky to date me. I don't see why we have to pick from a guy wh we have no sexual passion for and who is a jerk, versus a "nice guy" who we have NO chemistry with. I Just don't get it. As I said, even an average looking girl like myself can come accross guys easily enough who find us pretty damn hot TO THEM, and who we have chemistry with AND who are "nice guys" to us? I really don't think it the majority of people HAVE to go without chemisry and lust, in order to secure a decent partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I may add ^^^^^ that the reason I have so much hope of finding lust based AND emotional based relatonship, is because I don't have unrealistic expectations...... I go for guys who are overweight or have bad teeth, who do not have the highest earning jobs and who the hot girls don't exactly venerate. I have had very strong chemisry with 2 or 3 guys this year so far; average to cute looking, either students or have a decent paid job. They were also nice guys. It didn't work out, but it wasnt because I "aimed too high". If you are open to feeling chemistry with ALL TYPES of guys or girls, you will find that it aint THAT difficult to find a person you have chemistry with, and who ALSO happen to be decent people and good partners to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I never viewed myself as "settling", but I know a lot of people do. I never felt any initial spark with my exes. No attraction, nothing special, but they were nice and smart, so I gave them time. Affection for them always grew over time, and I knew that it would. So I never viewed it as settling so much as just knowing I'd need to give them time to grow on me. I have no business being fussy about a spark. It's such a rare day that a guy pursues me that if I passed my exes up based on that, I'd currently be a dateless virgin! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bulls42 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 phoe u r very attractive in ur picture...i am shocked no guys ask you out...i know your on west coast and im east coast but if i saw you i d ask you out in a heartbeat...just saying Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 phoe u r very attractive in ur picture...i am shocked no guys ask you out...i know your on west coast and im east coast but if i saw you i d ask you out in a heartbeat...just saying People here say that to me all the time, which is kind of baffling. I don't quite believe it. Not in the sense that I think you're telling me crap, not at all. Moreso in the sense that you THINK you might ask me out, but if you did know me in real life, there'd likely be something that would stop you. Because if all the men on this site who claimed they'd ask me out if they saw me in the street, truly WOULD, you'd think that the men who really do see me day to day might ask me out. But they don't. There's something that's preventing me from attracting men. And so I "settle", so to speak. Not in my mind, but in the minds of those who see settling in a very textbook sort of way. Cause if a guy asks me out, I agree. No point in waiting to see if I have a spark with the next guy who comes along, the next guy might not ask me out until a year from now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bulls42 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 honestly...i go through the same thing here...i think i'm a attractive guy but havent had as much success with women as i have liked in fact a month ago a girl was really into me and i said one thing and bam stop talking to me...i can relate somewhat to your situation but i'm still shocked 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bulls42 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 i wish there was private messages on here...u r in ur 20s right? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I never settled and all my serious relationships at the time lived up to the standards I set when I entered them. I don't live in fantasy land and I keep my standards within the realms of reality. I know it is impossible for anything in life to be a 24/7 high or constant fairytale so I don't waste time chasing those things. I have a woman who truly turns me on and I genuinely think she is worthy to invite into my life in the way I have. Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Don't do that. You'll end up resenting that person 1 Link to post Share on other sites
irc333 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Well...you're in for a lesson. On the TODAY show, author Laura Gottlieb is touting her publication "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" Watch the clip....read the article... (I love the "Husband Store", it's a classic example of women think there's always someone that's better than their current choice.) LOL I am curious how do people date someone they are meh about and end up sticking with it? Some of them even seem genuinely happy. My life would be so much easier if I could do that. I am looking for some pointers, especially from women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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