How do people settle?

[Leigh 87]

*shakes head*.

 

How about my good friend?

 

She found a guy she had HUGE sparks with. He made her shake and gave her butterflies.

 

She ended up with him and he IS a wonderful mate. Trustworthy, reliable. E IS NOT a GQ cover model, either. He has nice teeth and a lovely smile and is cute, but yeah.

 

She is a beauty - she could literally be a model any day she wanted... 6 foot, slim, naturally gorgeous.

 

He is a normal looking dude. She doesn;t go for the conventionally hot guys.

 

 

HER LAST GUY she felt HUGE sparks for and they lasted over 3 years!

 

 

 

.... and not, I will NOT accept that it is because she is beautiful that SHE gets to have the guys she has sparks with and gets all dreamy about.

 

Her guys have not been good looking in a traditional scence that all you gys would agree with.

 

I think it comes down to being OPEN and eceptive to guys who are NOT necessarily your "equivalent" in looks.

 

Personally, I have nice straight teeth.. yet, because the romance and spark is so important, I am not going to seek my equal - another guy with nice teeth. No. I would rather have passion and chemistry than nice teeth.

[Leigh 87]

No you cannot learn to feel all gushy.

 

Women like me do not WANT relationships badly enough to fathom dating a guy who we do not even want to kiss on the first date:sick:

 

See, I am focus on my travel. I am finally starting a dimploma of languages next year at college, in order to learn German and, another language I am undecided with.

 

I am planning to do even more travel, indluding aid work, and therefore: why am I going to settle down with a man just cos he is stable and reliable?

 

I do not want to have kids, so why date a guy who I do not even have the hots for?

 

I have friends. Why on earth would I feel inclined to date another male friends?

 

CHEMISTRY is NOT that hard to find for some people. It sure isn;t for me. Again, THREE men since July.

 

 

 

I am very unconvinced that those 3 men were bad men, who were unavailable and not able to give a girl a decent partnership. We didn;t work out but it was not down to them being emotionally unavailable.

 

I am VERY unconvinced that I will not feel that chemistry with the right man.

 

Why is hot chemistry like some holy grail, that NVER OCCURS in the context and at the beggining of a loving and fair relationship?

 

 

 

The sort of guys who get my blood running are NORMAL GUYS and NOT the suave player types, and THAT is why I am very sure I will, one day, find yet ANOTHER dude who I feel sparks with and who happens to treat me like a princess.

[xxoo]

That's not what a spark is.

 

Then what is it?

 

I believe this is all the OP is hoping for: a good man she desires sexually.

[Leigh 87]

Then what is it?

 

I believe this is all the OP is hoping for: a good man she desires sexually.

 

 

 

YES

 

Finally, someone who understands WHY ET, Ruby slippers and myself CANNOT fathom being with a dude that we.. well, do not feel urges to kiss and ... get naughty with.

 

Here is my definition of spark

- get excited when they text and call

-by the first date or TWO at most, you have enough chemistry to want to kiss them

-you have sexual urges for them early on due to chemistry EVEN IF you are not a person who will ACT on them UNTIL you get to know them more...

- you feel EXCITED about seeing them

 

The last dude gave me CHILLS when we were cuddling... chills dow my spine.

 

It was wonderful.

 

People here seem to think hey, it is totally preferable to meet a guy and then have to wait a month or more before we feel an urge to kiss him and get all hot and heavy with him.

 

Or rather, people think you "learn" to enjoy it:lmao:

 

I am not mocking people, I am just NOT that person myself and cannot understand why so many people think it is eiher: sex with a person you have to LEARN to enjoy it with, versus a guy who gets you hot and heavy from the get go!!!!

[Leigh 87]

No one is saying to date an ugly man.

 

But butterflies and "sparks" have nothing to do with that anyways.

 

Say you're dating an attractive man but you have no "spark" with.

 

You can learn to feel gushy for him and even obsessed with him.

 

I figured this out when I was a teenager. Get on my level.

 

 

 

I learned to get the hots for my long term Ex, Andrew, who I have written about extensively on here. It happened after a few weeks with him and he became the hottest guy to me.

 

SInce him, however, I have met 3 guys I sparked enough with in just a few months span.

 

What I felt for 3 guys ALREADY, is what I am looking to feel for a romantuc partner.

 

- by the end of the night with the first guy, I wanted to kiss the sh*t out of him. We spent time talking first and getting comfortable around each other.

 

- second guy, it took a night of talking a lot also, for me to wat to iss the sh*t out of him. NEXT time we hung out we could not stop kissing we felt so much chemistry

 

- THird guy was insane and I doubt I will feel it again. I felt literally electric chemistry with him IMMEDIATELY. He was a very plain looking dude. Not some suave hottie that some girls drop their panties for:lmao:

 

 

 

 

I do not see why I cannot feel this spark with other men, since I have felt it often for 3 dudes already. Two I met in real life, one I met online.

[xxoo]

Butterflies in your stomach. That "glowy" feeling when you're around someone.

 

That's what it is, for the most part.

 

I associate butterflies with uncertainty. But the glow when I'm around him--that hasn't faded in my marriage. One sniff of his neck, and my knees go weak...

 

Assume that gushy = sparks. The bottom line is desire. If there is none, it's toast.

 

I'm sure the OP would be thrilled if she felt gushy and obsessed with this kind man.

[Weezy1973]

YES

 

Finally, someone who understands WHY ET, Ruby slippers and myself CANNOT fathom being with a dude that we.. well, do not feel urges to kiss and ... get naughty with.

 

Here is my definition of spark

- get excited when they text and call

-by the first date or TWO at most, you have enough chemistry to want to kiss them

-you have sexual urges for them early on due to chemistry EVEN IF you are not a person who will ACT on them UNTIL you get to know them more...

- you feel EXCITED about seeing them

 

The last dude gave me CHILLS when we were cuddling... chills dow my spine.

 

It was wonderful.

 

People here seem to think hey, it is totally preferable to meet a guy and then have to wait a month or more before we feel an urge to kiss him and get all hot and heavy with him.

 

Or rather, people think you "learn" to enjoy it:lmao:

 

I am not mocking people, I am just NOT that person myself and cannot understand why so many people think it is eiher: sex with a person you have to LEARN to enjoy it with, versus a guy who gets you hot and heavy from the get go!!!!

 

I actually don't think it's preferable - I think what you're describing is definitely preferable. But, in terms of long lasting, monogamous relationships, placing a higher value on 'spark' or sexual attraction than on relationship type qualities, from what I've seen tends to result in a lot more heartache than the other way around.

 

The issue you're describing is a common one - for you to want to be in a relationship and put in the work that is required, you need to feel that 'spark' and passion for the other person. The passion comes first, and then you'll put in the necessary effort. Unfortunately, in all aspects of life, this is a pretty bad way to go about things. For example:

 

Say someone was raised in a household where food was used as a reward and they have become "attracted" to junk / fast food as a result. They don't hate healthy food, but they are way more passionate about junk food. I would hope that a responsible adult would bypass the junk food and choose a healthy lifestyle despite their passionate attraction for the unhealthy food. In that way, they would settle.

 

Keep in mind, I'm only saying people have to settle if they are attracted to unhealthy choices. For a lot of people, what gets their motor running in the opposite sex are qualities that are indicative of being a great long term relationship partner. Alas, for others, the qualities of a good long term partner are a turn off - and it is these people that will have to settle if they want a long term relationship.

[Divasu]

I am not mocking people, I am just NOT that person myself and cannot understand why so many people think it is eiher: sex with a person you have to LEARN to enjoy it with, versus a guy who gets you hot and heavy from the get go!!!!

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting "learning" to become sexually attracted to someone. A guy who gets you hot and heavy from the get go, that is nothing more than physical/sexual attraction. Naturally, because that is all you have to go on, physical/surface interaction.

 

It is not unusual for people to become more sexually/physically attracted to their partner over time. Yes, there has to be some spark present, but the spark doesn't turn into a fire on its own, not even in terms of the natural world.

 

Fire is a chemical process and cannot sustain itself without oxygen, heat and fuel.

[xxoo]

Lol it's mostly in your head.

 

I've felt "sparks" for women that I'd never have sex with.

 

If a girl is attractive then I will desire her sexually. Doesn't mean I'll feel butterflies in my stomach or feel "sparkly" for her. But those things come with time.

 

I think this is where women and men can differ. I can be in the presence of an attractive man (perfectly healthy body, nice face), and have no sexual desire for him at all. I need "sparks" to feel sexual desire.

 

Men see a woman and feel desire, and consider "spark" something extra. For many women, without spark there IS no desire.

[Leigh 87]

I have lived with two long term exes, each for over two years at a time.

 

I know very well that it takes work to keep a relationship thriving.

 

I am all for working to keep a relationship alive.

 

I never ran at the sign that things were not as passionate; in fact, I grew to more and more want my partners as time went by.

 

The longer I was with my exes, the more I wanted to have sex with them. The more desirable they became to me.

 

I am a big monogomist, if there IS such a word:lmao: in that, the closer I get and the longer I spend with a man, the more I want him and only HIM.

 

 

..........I see no problem in finding a guy that gets my motors running from the get go, where we both work to keep a long term thing happening.

 

 

NOT SURE why you all think it is UN likely for me to find a guy who gets my heart racing from the start AND who is a good man wth whom to build a lasting relationship with?

 

I AM NOT going for the player types that are super good looking. I am looking for the spark in average looking men who do not scream drama and heartache

[Eggplant]

If you never truly love each other, your H will be like that guy in the Infidelity section who after years is having an affair with an OW and able to truly say that what he was with his mistress is "real" versus what he had with you never was.

 

I will not settle. I am happy alone. I would love a partner whom I truly loved and who truly loved me.

[xxoo]

I don't consider those things extra.

 

I know how to create gush, "sparks", and lovey dovey feelings with partners I feel none of that for.

 

So, I never care if there is a "spark" when looking for a partner. It will be there in time.

 

Ok, well, maybe you are unique?

 

Or maybe everyone has that potential, but not that skill.

 

And so the reality is, they can not create that spark with just anyone.

 

What advice to you have for that person?

[Leigh 87]

I don't think anyone is suggesting "learning" to become sexually attracted to someone. A guy who gets you hot and heavy from the get go, that is nothing more than physical/sexual attraction. Naturally, because that is all you have to go on, physical/surface interaction.

 

It is not unusual for people to become more sexually/physically attracted to their partner over time. Yes, there has to be some spark present, but the spark doesn't turn into a fire on its own, not even in terms of the natural world.

 

Fire is a chemical process and cannot sustain itself without oxygen, heat and fuel.

 

 

 

I had more to go on with the guys I had sparks for. One of them enjoyed the same things as I did and we seemed to both love chatting.

 

I enjoyed being around all 3 spark - guys.

 

We didn't work out due to me not being ready for a relationship, however, I am not sure what you mean by guys with sparks are rarely compatible.

 

Why do you say that?

 

Instant interest and excitment does not always mean the guys are bad, or are plain not compatible:lmao:

[Leigh 87]

I have a very fixed idea on what falling in love is, and what I want from my future husband.

 

My idea of love, I believe, will come to fruitation for ME; I DO NOT think others should follow my idea, so please. No need to tell me that it is not feasible, because I see this type of love start and last.

 

Leigh's type of love:

 

- instant spark; something about each other that intrigues the other person to fous on you and think of you.. to want to get to know you more.

 

- chemistry and having urges to kiss after one or tw dates tops

 

- feeling hot for them sexually

 

- their texts get your heart racing

 

- you fall in love within 1 to 2 months, 3 tops.

........................................................................

 

 

I do not want the sort of love where it takes 6 months to wor kout that you are in love

 

I prefer to fall head over heals for a person. I do not think it takes many moths to figure out if you are in love, for ME anyway.

 

If it takes longer than a month or two for me to fall in love, it is me growing to love them; it is NOT me being IN love.

 

........................................................................

 

I believe the true love matches, they tend to propose within 1 year, 1.5 tops, and marry within 2 to 3 years of meeting.

 

THIS is the sort of romance I am aspiring to, because, based on personal relatioship experience and what my friends have experienced, THAT is the love that most resonates with ME.

 

........................................................................

 

I am not suggesting people settle just because they do not fall in love the hard and fast way the way I am choosing to fall.

 

However, believe MY version of love, lust and sparks are very attainabale for me to find, since I do not go for hot guys with good jobs. I am ope to feeling the spark with ANY sort of guy who is a decent person with a job, and who treats me like a princess.

 

I am willingly forgoing looks and certain compatibility aspects because I want the hard and fast, fary tale sort of love that I have PERSONALLY seen work out for my good friend.

 

I am a very fluid person who adapts to different personality types, and as long as they treat ME like a princess and have high integrity, I do not care if they are not as compatible as another guy who I would NOT spark with.

 

..................................................

 

I believe I will come across a good and faithful man the way my good friend did, who I spark hard with and where we fall in love hard and fast, eith an early engagement.

 

I know who I am and I instincively know what I want. I always have. I am going on what Leigh 87 truly wants, and this is not due to my good friend. I Have always believed in that sort of love for myself.

 

I know myself really well and I know what I want in life in every aspect of it.

[Leigh 87]

apologies, my keyboard is not working properly and it is a right pain in the @ss to have to go back and re type every word. So I don't.

 

I am not drunk or stupid it really is my keyboard:lmao:

[Divasu]

Instant interest and excitment does not always mean the guys are bad, or are plain not compatible:lmao:

 

That's not what I wrote.

 

But, I'm sure there are cases where it was "instant" for some and things developed quite swimmingly. Couples who didn't want to rip their panties off each other the first night they met certainly aren't settling because of it.

[Leigh 87]

That's not what I wrote.

 

But, I'm sure there are cases where it was "instant" for some and things developed quite swimmingly. Couples who didn't want to rip their panties off each other the first night they met certainly aren't settling because of it.

 

 

Oh well, the last 3 guys I fancied, we badly wanted to rip each others clothes of within hours of talking.

 

Met them all since late July. Can't be that hard to find people where you are all hot and heavy for them.

 

Guys I have a first date with and talk to for hours and who I DO NOT feel like kissing ad, in fact ,feel averse to kissing, are not guys I am excited about dating.

 

Good luck to others who would happily meet a person, not feel any inclination to kiss them on the first or second date, and have to "grow" to want to have sex.

[Divasu]

Oh well, the last 3 guys I fancied, we badly wanted to rip each others clothes of within hours of talking.

 

Met them all since late July. Can't be that hard to find people where you are all hot and heavy for them.

 

Guys I have a first date with and talk to for hours and who I DO NOT feel like kissing ad, in fact ,feel averse to kissing, are not guys I am excited about dating.

 

Good luck to others who would happily meet a person, not feel any inclination to kiss them on the first or second date, and have to "grow" to want to have sex.

 

Yes.

And good luck with all the "conditions".

[Leigh 87]

One guy tried to kiss me after date 2.

 

It felt gross and totally undesirable for me. He was very fine looking and a really awesome guy, too!

 

Personally, I do not need a relationship enough to have to go on several dates with a guy JUST to work myself up to kissing them.

 

 

I talked to a guy online, felt sparks over the phone (I love English accents and there was just something about him).

 

The instant we met, we wanted to kiss.

 

...Opposed to the guy who I felt gross kissing on the second date.

 

 

 

The truth is, I would NEVER have gotten excited about the second date guy..... I would have gotten excited over the familiarity and comfort of having a loyal and faithful spouse to come home to. That would be it.

 

I would never feel passionate about a guy I had to grow to love slowly. and who I was not in love with.

[Leigh 87]

Yes.

And good luck with all the "conditions".

 

 

 

I have no conditions.

 

just a plain average or below average looking dude with a job who is loyal and faithful, and who is crazy about me; who I spark with and, in turn, also become crazy about.

 

 

 

I do not think the hard and fast love is that rare to come by for girls like me, who seem to click with a lot of guys that way.

[Mr Scorpio]

See I don't need spark. I didn't have a spark with any exes. I just accepted them as a person and affection grew over time.

I've only had a spark once and it was for someone I couldn't have. Thanks to that I'd almost rather NOT have a spark. It hurts too much...

 

I severely envy the man who gets to spend countless drama free hours gaming with you.

[Phoe]

WHY on EARTH do some people insist that it is better to get with people whom you have NO chemistry with and have to "grow" to crave sex with?

 

I don't think anyone is legitimately saying it's BETTER to do things this way...

 

 

I think people are saying that's it's perfectly okay for things to happen this way.

 

 

For some, it would be settling, and it's unacceptable. For me, it's okay though. I don't view it as settling. I would still be happy.

[Phoe]

I severely envy the man who gets to spend countless drama free hours gaming with you.

 

Heh, thanks

 

 

It's not the most enviable or rare of situations though, my buddies spend hours playing games with me on a regular basis ^_^

 

 

speaking of which..........

[Eternal Sunshine]

sparks to me equal sexual desire.

 

It would be very tough to have sex with someone that I don't feel that desire for. It's doable but depressing.

 

Now, if I am dating someone of course I will be expected to have sex with him.

 

There goes my spark problem.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I know men are wired differently and they can feel pure horniness/sexual attraction without the spark or butterflies.

 

I am curious about ladies on here that say they don't need the spark. Do you still feel excited and passionate about sex with your new partners even though there is no spark/butterflies?