How do people settle?

[Leigh 87]

Sure, I always wanted to try some girl on girl action

 

 

Meh. I tried it already. It was with my good friend who is a model too and yet I was not the least bit turned on.

 

I did it so I could tick it off my busket list:D:lmao:

 

We are still good friends:lmao:

 

 

 

I could never fall in love and settle with a girl:(

[Leigh 87]

Eternal Sunshine, check out the marriage section.

 

In the " how soon until you got married" threads on the first page last time I checked.

 

There are stories of many couples who had chemistry right away and marred a year after meeting.

 

Plenty of proposals after 5 months to a year after meeting.

 

Plenty of couples who were that crazy for each other that 2 years tops was the time frame most couples seemed to get engaged.

 

See, it happens more than you think; two people who are nuts for each other without needing "time" to figure out if they want to spend their lives together....

 

I think settling is sometimes when coupls are togethe 3 or more years before wanting to marry.

 

I think if a person knocks your socks off you tend to know early on and have the strongest reaction possible towards them.

 

Of course there are exceptions of couples who are crazy for each other yet take longer to marry.

 

And, of course, there are couples who start slow and are not all that crazy about each other and slowly build a relationship without lust.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Eternal Sunshine, check out the marriage section.

 

In the " how soon until you got married" threads on the first page last time I checked.

 

There are stories of many couples who had chemistry right away and marred a year after meeting.

 

Plenty of proposals after 5 months to a year after meeting.

 

Plenty of couples who were that crazy for each other that 2 years tops was the time frame most couples seemed to get engaged.

 

See, it happens more than you think; two people who are nuts for each other without needing "time" to figure out if they want to spend their lives together....

 

I think settling is sometimes when coupls are togethe 3 or more years before wanting to marry.

 

I think if a person knocks your socks off you tend to know early on and have the strongest reaction possible towards them.

 

Of course there are exceptions of couples who are crazy for each other yet take longer to marry.

 

And, of course, there are couples who start slow and are not all that crazy about each other and slowly build a relationship without lust.

 

I have even seen some proposals in under 6 months when a guy is truly nuts about the girl.....it usually happens when she is a LOT better looking than him though :/

[Leigh 87]

I have even seen some proposals in under 6 months when a guy is truly nuts about the girl.....it usually happens when she is a LOT better looking than him though :/

 

 

aww come on it is not all about looks.

 

Think about it. That head over heals, omg instant spark happens for reasons that are deeper than looks alone.

 

I agree, that good looks make a guy fall in lust a little more....

 

Think about it again; to get he OMG instant chemisry and it factor, you have to be attractive enough for them to want to ravish you. Or they wouldnt get that spark.

 

Lesser attractive people do not get the beautiful women as rampantly, and therefore they probably find beauty in women who are not considered a knockout.

 

Basically; as long as someone is acceptable looking to YOU, then you can have that OMG crazy spark.

 

.. that spark that then hopefully leads to a lasting and loved up relationship:)

[Babolat]

I am curious how do people date someone they are meh about and end up sticking with it? Some of them even seem genuinely happy.

 

My life would be so much easier if I could do that. I am looking for some pointers, especially from women.

 

I met a girl 3 weeks ago from OLD. She is very cool, has a lot of of what I look for, what I want, super attractive, yet I felt "meh" when we first met.

 

Of the 5+ I have met, she is the one who has piqued my interest a little.

 

She later texted me enough to say she was interested and wanted to see me again.

 

So, we met again. Some of the "meh" went away, but, there is still some "meh".

 

She texted me again to set up a 3rd date. Still some "meh" for me, but, I am going to do it. This is something different for me. I don't have that heart pounding, butterflies in the stomach feeling, but there is something about her I want to explore.

 

What's strange, is she is super attractive; men turn their heads when she walks by, yet I don't have that "wow she is gorgeous" feeling yet. I want to see if it grows with more time.

 

I also think a lot of this could be me, some issues I am still working on from past relationships, and she, called me out on this, and, is willing to see through that and see what she called "a handsome man with an insteresting mind who she wants to get to know better".

 

To answer your question, no, I could not settle for "meh" long term.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I met a girl 3 weeks ago from OLD. She is very cool, has a lot of of what I look for, what I want, super attractive, yet I felt "meh" when we first met.

 

Of the 5+ I have met, she is the one who has piqued my interest a little.

 

She later texted me enough to say she was interested and wanted to see me again.

 

So, we met again. Some of the "meh" went away, but, there is still some "meh".

 

She texted me again to set up a 3rd date. Still some "meh" for me, but, I am going to do it. This is something different for me. I don't have that heart pounding, butterflies in the stomach feeling, but there is something about her I want to explore.

 

What's strange, is she is super attractive; men turn their heads when she walks by, yet I don't have that "wow she is gorgeous" feeling yet. I want to see if it grows with more time.

 

I also think a lot of this could be me, some issues I am still working on from past relationships, and she, called me out on this, and, is willing to see through that and see what she called "a handsome man with an insteresting mind who she wants to get to know better".

 

To answer your question, no, I could not settle for "meh" long term.

 

Seems like she is pursuing you pretty heavily. I wonder if you would have contacted her if she wasn't the initiator.

[Eternal Sunshine]

26 pages and still on topic.

 

Winning

[Woggle]

I have even seen some proposals in under 6 months when a guy is truly nuts about the girl.....it usually happens when she is a LOT better looking than him though :/

 

Any woman that married a man who proposes after under a year is not thinking clearly. I would not want to be with a woman who is so impulsive that she wants to jump into something as major as marriage after only six months. Marriage is a big life altering thing and should not be entered and exited so haphazardly.

[Babolat]

Seems like she is pursuing you pretty heavily. I wonder if you would have contacted her if she wasn't the initiator.

Agreed

 

I'm not sure, and I have thought about this. I have been persued before and did not respond (not bragging for all the LSers who think I like to brag), strictly drawing a comparison.

 

I tried to push her away after the first date, over text (wrong) by calling her out on what I thought was a lie in something she told me versus what I actually saw (not a looks thing), had to do with her OLD profile. It did not line up in my head.

 

She called me, immediately, literally checked me up, called me on it, explained it, and I, felt like a fool; I was embarassed She then said I needed to come see her as she is more beautiful when she is angry, which I thought was cute, so I did.

[Babolat]

Any woman that married a man who proposes after under a year is not thinking clearly. I would not want to be with a woman who is so impulsive that she wants to jump into something as major as marriage after only six months. Marriage is a big life altering thing and should not be entered and exited so haphazardly.

 

The last woman I met on OLD was proposed to in 30 days (on a plane), married in 4 months. She said she realized after a while it was purely physical attraction, which was intense, that she made a mistake not getting to know him, his values, his morals, etc. She is gorgeous, could be a model, so I get it from his part (though I have never seen him of course, she said he was gorgeous too)

[Iguanna]

Ok I can't not ask: what is OLD? (sorry )

[Never Again]

Any woman that married a man who proposes after under a year is not thinking clearly. I would not want to be with a woman who is so impulsive that she wants to jump into something as major as marriage after only six months. Marriage is a big life altering thing and should not be entered and exited so haphazardly.

 

Agreed.

 

Also, the initial chemistry is just too strong at that point. It's blinding and covers up all those flaws, incompatibilities and problems that we're blinded to because of the energy and lust of a new relationship.

 

Being THAT crazy about someone is actually being CRAZY.

[Babolat]

Ok I can't not ask: what is OLD? (sorry )

 

On Line Dating

[Iguanna]

On Line Dating

 

Thanks.

[Dark_history]

26 pages and still on topic.

 

Winning

 

Challenge accepted!

 

I hate it when a woman feels she has to somehow "settle" for me, why can't she just love me for who I am? WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?

 

 

And on that note, would you rather settle or be single for the rest of your life? And..... GO!

[MissBee]

I am curious how do people date someone they are meh about and end up sticking with it? Some of them even seem genuinely happy.

 

My life would be so much easier if I could do that. I am looking for some pointers, especially from women.

 

My friends and I had this conversation about how essentially if you don't have high standards your life is easier in some ways as most things will be good enough.

 

However, I've never been that person in any area of my life. I've always been the type to dream and think big and could never be happy just settling for ANYTHING.

 

But it really depends on who you are and what you want from a relationship and how you see the world. There are people who live and die in the same town, date someone from high school, they get a job, marry them, have kids, maybe it's not the greatest but it's okay and that is their life. I couldn't do that. I've seen too much of the world already and done too much to simply be content marrying or being in a LTR with someone just for the heck of it. I'm too restless, curious and ambitious for it. So for me to be really excited about a man and stick with him and be exclusive he has to be someone I'm REALLY into and stimulated by. My spirit is way too restless to settle...so I couldn't even if I tried. Other people are less so and so they can.

[Phoe]

And on that note, would you rather settle or be single for the rest of your life? And..... GO!

 

Without a doubt I would settle.

[Ruby Slippers]

I went to my gynecologist and had my annual exam today. She was making small talk and we got each other caught up on our personal lives. I remembered that a few years ago she told me she was going to try Match.com, so I asked her how that worked out.

 

She said, "Great, I'm married and have 2 kids now!"

 

She said yes, she had to go on a lot of bad dates before she found him. She didn't even want kids, but he really did, so she agreed. At 46 years old, she got fertility treatments and had twins. "Twins are rare, so when women over 42 have twins, it's usually due to fertility treatments."

 

She told me she's not the romantic type at all, and mostly wanted a companion to spend her free time with. She said her husband is much more romantic than she is, and they're completely different, but they get along like best friends.

 

She said, "My advice is to find a guy you get along with like your best girlfriend. It's great if he's also good-looking and sexy, but mostly you're gonna want someone you can have fun with, your best friend."

 

So here's someone who settled and seems very happy about that.

 

Since then, I've been wondering why I couldn't just settle for what my ex was offering, which was a lot. But then I think that finding a guy who's just a companion you can get along with isn't that hard. It's finding some magic and genuine romance that's tough. And I just can't see myself being happy without that.

 

I had a sweet dream last night that this guy I met at a music show was being all flirty and sweet on me. I woke up in a good mood. I'm starting to feel revved up to date again.

[Babolat]

Since then, I've been wondering why I couldn't just settle for what my ex was offering, which was a lot. But then I think that finding a guy who's just a companion you can get along with isn't that hard. It's finding some magic and genuine romance that's tough. And I just can't see myself being happy without that.

 

Do you think ones like us, the ones looking for that "magic", I too use that word all the time, looking for the incredible spark, looking, looking, looking for something, will never find it? Maybe, though I don't like the word settle, we have underlying issues (no doubt) that keeps us from finding this magic. Some say we are too picky, too selective.

 

That is one reason why I am curious to go on a 3rd date with the OLD woman. She has piqued my interest, though, I have not felt that magic yet. I want to see what it feels like to maybe not feel that, or crave it, or have to have it. I can see her as a best friend type, a companion, and probably a damn great lover. Do I have to get that wow feeling in my belly immediately, date 1 ,2? I dunno.....

 

The 3 woman in my life I have had that with, well, I am still single.....

[Ruby Slippers]

Do you think ones like us, the ones looking for that "magic", I too use that word all the time, looking for the incredible spark, looking, looking, looking for something, will never find it? Maybe, though I don't like the word settle, we have underlying issues (no doubt) that keeps us from finding this magic. Some say we are too picky, too selective.

One of my best friends has said she thinks I'm "looking for perfection".

 

I'm starting to consider that maybe I'm looking for something in my partner to "complete" me, but I need to get complete on my own and then find someone to complement me. I feel closer to complete than I've ever been, so that's good.

 

I think I'll find a great partner. I've already found plenty of them who were at least good partners. I'm sure the same is true for you.

 

I want to see what it feels like to maybe not feel that, or crave it, or have to have it. I can see her as a best friend type, a companion, and probably a damn great lover.

Of course I don't have to have the magic. But if I don't, I worry that he or I will someday find it elsewhere and stray, or long badly for what we do not have.

 

Here's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. This situation is exactly what I worried about with my ex - he wasn't crazy about me, and would surely someday encounter a woman he felt that magic with - and then what? I would never want someone to be with me out of duty... and I don't want to make the ultimate commitment to a guy who doesn't feel that magic for me, because it feels like an unwise investment lacking security.

 

And honestly, I think he'll be better off as well if he finds a woman he's crazy about. I think those mutual feelings, when properly channeled into a loving marriage and family, bring out the man and woman's best. That's what I want.

 

The 3 woman in my life I have had that with, well, I am still single.....

I've only had the mutual magic once, and just doing the simplest things with him was heavenly. The problem was his needy, meddlesome family saw me as a major threat and treated me as such. But we're still good friends and business partners - we found a way to channel that magic effectively without interference from his family.

 

I don't need off the charts spark/magic, but at least some. I don't think I'm going to be compatible and happy with a guy who's not romantic at all, or at least a bit of a dreamer. I know that now.

 

I've found at least a dozen great guys who wanted to "take care of me" for life. And that's nice. But I'd rather have less money/things and more love. I feel my life will be much richer that way.

[Babolat]

I'm starting to consider that maybe I'm looking for something in my partner to "complete" me, but I need to get complete on my own and then find someone to complement me. I feel closer to complete than I've ever been, so that's good.

 

An interesting comment. Psychologist, self help books and the like tell us we are trying to find, in a partner, something we missed, or are missing, from our childhood, our relationship with our parents.

 

Like you, I feel closer to complete myself.

 

Yet, I do wonder sometimes, if it does make sense, that, in a life partner, we subconsciously seek someone who is strong where we are weak, weak where we are strong, and one who also compliments us, and, maybe completes us. Helps us finish that left off work from childhood.

 

And, back to my ex gf, I think I hear her saying this. That she has been putting in the time, the work, to complete herself, she knows she will always be a work in progress. She sees me as someone who compliments her and is strong enough to help her get there. She said this a lot last night, about us being good for each other.

Edited November 21, 2013 by Babolat

[FitChick]

George and Laura Bush were on Jay Leno's show and said they got married four months after meeting.

 

There is no time frame.

[Ruby Slippers]

An interesting comment. Psychologist, self help books and the like tell us we are trying to find, in a partner, something we missed, or are missing, from our childhood, our relationship with our parents.

 

Like you, I feel closer to complete myself.

 

Yet, I do wonder sometimes, if it does make sense, that, in a life partner, we subconsciously seek someone who is strong where we are weak, weak where we are strong, and one who also compliments us, and, maybe completes us. Helps us finish that left off work from childhood.

Yes, it makes sense. My dad was emotionally and verbally abusive, emotionally neglectful. So maybe all these years I've just been looking for the love I never got. Maybe I want admiration and adoration to make up for what was lacking in childhood. I could buy that theory.

 

On the other hand, I feel like even if I'd had the most loving parents in the world, I'd still want a healthy amount of adoration and admiration in my relationships - romantic, friendly, and professional.

 

My best friends are ones who recognize the "light" in me and encourage it, and I do the same with them. Same for clients - I give my best to those who truly appreciate and respect my work, because it's this positive loop of goodness, productivity, and flashes of brilliance. That's right where I wanna be.

 

I've never been interested in shallow relationships. I've always preferred to have a few close friends who know me well and are more like family, rather than many acquaintances. I've had a lot of acquaintances and friends at some points in my life, and I find a lot of more shallow socializing draining, not uplifting.

 

I think that no matter what my childhood had been like, I'd still want passion, and magic, and romance. My dad pushed me to be a doctor or lawyer because academics were always a breeze for me, and he knew I could make a lot of money that way. But I majored in fine arts and started my own creative business on a shoestring. I'm a creative person at the core, and I have to be true to myself, no matter what anybody thinks.

 

Maybe I'll end up being the crazy old artist lady with various poet, musician, and painter lovers who entertain me from time to time. It sounds more fun than a practical marriage without real love.

[FitChick]

 

Here's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. This situation is exactly what I worried about with my ex - he wasn't crazy about me, and would surely someday encounter a woman he felt that magic with - and then what?

I read part of that thread. That guy has a screw loose because he married a woman who was abusive to him long before they married. He married her because he thought then she would stop. Twenty-two years later he wants a divorce. Not a great example.

 

Sounds like you dumped your ex as a pre-emptive strike because of your fear he MIGHT drop you someday. It's called shooting yourself in the foot.

[Ruby Slippers]

I read part of that thread. That guy has a screw loose because he married a woman who was abusive to him long before they married. He married her because he thought then she would stop. Twenty-two years later he wants a divorce. Not a great example.

 

Sounds like you dumped your ex as a pre-emptive strike because of your fear he MIGHT drop you someday. It's called shooting yourself in the foot.

The core of the matter is the same - he married a woman he never really loved, thinking he would grow to love her and that would be enough. Well, it wasn't - and now here he is dying to leave his wife and family, and staying only out of some miserable sense of duty. Sounds like a nightmare for all involved.

 

I didn't shoot myself in the foot. I think I have a much better chance of happiness with someone else. Overall I'm happier alone right now than being with someone who feels wrong for me. Yes, lack of security about a future with him was a factor - but there were many other factors, including his lack of loving, caring behavior in the present, his almost total lack of romance, zero appreciation for my creativity, which goes right to the core of who I am.

 

But reading that other thread did give me a strong sense of relief that I did the right thing.