How do people settle?

[Babolat]

Maybe I'll end up being the crazy old artist lady with various poet, musician, and painter lovers who entertain me from time to time. It sounds more fun than a practical marriage without real love.

 

You forgot, all the cats too!

[Babolat]

zero appreciation for my creativity, which goes right to the core of who I am..

Interesting, again. I have alwasy been attracted to the creative artsy type. All 3 of my LTRs were either art majors (2) and/or had a lot of creativity. And guess what, my FWB, majored in Art History and is very creative...go figure.

 

My paternal dad, 2nd wife was an art teacher (she passed away), 3rd wife just retired, got her 2nd degree in art and is now doing shows selling her drawings and paintings.

 

Go figure....

[Ruby Slippers]

Interesting, again. I have alwasy been attracted to the creative artsy type. All 3 of my LTRs were either art majors (2) and/or had a lot of creativity. And guess what, my FWB, majored in Art History and is very creative...go figure.

 

My paternal dad, 2nd wife was an art teacher (she passed away), 3rd wife just retired, got her 2nd degree in art and is now doing shows selling her drawings and paintings.

 

Go figure....

Interesting! I attract two types: talented and somewhat wild-hearted musicians (music is my favorite form of creativity, and anytime I'm more serious with it and performing, I attract that kind of guy) - or smart, pragmatic, conservative, ambitious engineers and businessmen. There doesn't seem to be much in-between.

[Anela]

You forgot, all the cats too!

 

I hope you say that as a positive thing. I'm a pet lady, and always will be, crazy or not. I hate the idea that they're a substitution for anything.

[Ruby Slippers]

I hope you say that as a positive thing. I'm a pet lady, and always will be, crazy or not. I hate the idea that they're a substitution for anything.

An amazing and reclusive illustrator, Edward Gorey, at home with his cats: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l2ydcvQSEa1qbspido1_400.jpg

 

He freely admitted he found the company of cats far more enjoyable than that of people.

 

I don't want to get to that point, but there have certainly been times when I have sympathized.

[Babolat]

I hope you say that as a positive thing. I'm a pet lady, and always will be, crazy or not. I hate the idea that they're a substitution for anything.

Funny and positive, big pet fan myself and I have a cat!

[Babolat]

Interesting! I attract two types: or smart, pragmatic, conservative, ambitious engineers and businessmen. There doesn't seem to be much in-between.

Is Babolat, with a little wild side to him as love, love, love music. 2 exes said I should have been a rock star singer! Now, that, is funny.

[RedRobin]

George and Laura Bush were on Jay Leno's show and said they got married four months after meeting.

 

There is no time frame.

 

My grandparents... he proposed after 6 weeks. They were goofily happy for over 60 years.

 

My parents... married in less than a year. 49 years married and going strong.

 

One thing that was common... only one of them in the relationship believed in 'magic'. The other was more pragmatic and grounded. My grandfather was the romantic... my mom is the romantic in my parent's marriage.

 

I know for sure my dad's lack of traditional 'romance' bugged my mom a lot. He showed his love through actions.... not words... and she grew to truly love and admire his steady hand in things. My mom is a bit of a flake, bless her heart. They do complement each other.

[Sanman]

Interesting! I attract two types: talented and somewhat wild-hearted musicians (music is my favorite form of creativity, and anytime I'm more serious with it and performing, I attract that kind of guy) - or smart, pragmatic, conservative, ambitious engineers and businessmen. There doesn't seem to be much in-between.

 

I think that despite what the world tells you, some are not meant to marry and that is okay. I am more pragmatic at times than You are likely to be and I am not a believer in magic. While I have had dalliances with many artsy women (and was very musically inclined myself), when the fun stopped and real decisions needed to be made, I could not handle the passion/instability. I have ended up like your gynecologist; with someone I see as a best friend, but is not the most passionate relationship I have experienced. Then again, like your gynecologist, I also became a doctor. I found that my need for safety and stability trumped my need for passion and excitement in a relationship. I am happy with my decision. However, you sound like a different type of person than me with different life decisions. I think the answer is that there is not answer. It is simply about what you can live with.

[Babolat]

I think that despite what the world tells you, some are not meant to marry and that is okay. I am more pragmatic at times than You are likely to be and I am not a believer in magic. While I have had dalliances with many artsy women (and was very musically inclined myself), when the fun stopped and real decisions needed to be made, I could not handle the passion/instability. I have ended up like your gynecologist; with someone I see as a best friend, but is not the most passionate relationship I have experienced. Then again, like your gynecologist, I also became a doctor. I found that my need for safety and stability trumped my need for passion and excitement in a relationship. I am happy with my decision. However, you sound like a different type of person than me with different life decisions. I think the answer is that there is not answer. It is simply about what you can live with.

Well said! One of the best post I've ever read on here.

[NJtoDC]

Do you think ones like us, the ones looking for that "magic", I too use that word all the time, looking for the incredible spark, looking, looking, looking for something, will never find it? Maybe, though I don't like the word settle, we have underlying issues (no doubt) that keeps us from finding this magic. Some say we are too picky, too selective.

 

That is one reason why I am curious to go on a 3rd date with the OLD woman. She has piqued my interest, though, I have not felt that magic yet. I want to see what it feels like to maybe not feel that, or crave it, or have to have it. I can see her as a best friend type, a companion, and probably a damn great lover. Do I have to get that wow feeling in my belly immediately, date 1 ,2? I dunno.....

 

The 3 woman in my life I have had that with, well, I am still single.....

 

I've dated a couple guys I wasn't attracted to off the bat physically. I wondered if I would be able to date them. As I got to know them a little (second-fourth date), and after the first kiss, they had grown on me. The sparks began to fly, though I'm sure everyone is different. We became great friends.

 

My BF told me I am his favorite person in the world (save for his mother, whom he cherishes) this past weekend. What more can I ask for? I told him I feel the same way. He's not Denzel but he's my best friend :-)

Edited November 22, 2013 by NJtoDC

[man_in_the_box]

However, I've never been that person in any area of my life. I've always been the type to dream and think big and could never be happy just settling for ANYTHING.

 

How's that even possible? If you never settle on anything you'll likely accomplish not much. That doesn't mean you need to throw your hopes and dreams out of the window but on the hand you do live in the real world and that means if you want to get somewhere it will require sacrifices one way or another.

 

I have incredibly much things I still want to do in my life but even now I realize I ain't going to live forever and there's only so much I can do at the same time. I just pick what I find reaps the greatest rewards and try to get the best out of life. Call it settling or whatever but that certainly doesn't mean I've never did anything with my life.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I seem to always come to the same crossroads. After a period of being single and lonely, I crave being in a relationship. Since finding someone with that magic is not easy and may take years or more, I try to be practical. I even had pep talks from my best friend and dad. My dad told me that it's always a good idea to marry a man that loves me more than I love him. He says that it makes for a much easier life as ultimately all passion fades. They all tell me to look for a best friend and a companion. Best friend/companion men that want to commit are pretty easy to find.

 

So I started dating one, like I did in the past. Inevitably, I feel the same void, the same longing for passion that I always felt. This is a good man who would be stable and reliable. But I don't long for his touch, I don't feel butterflies, that magic is not there. I feel comfortable with him and he is easy company but

 

Ultimately I am a dreamer and romantic. But thinking about what would make me happy; I think a series of passionate flings would make me happier than a marriage to someone I feel meh about.

 

My ultimate fairy tale dream is that I end up in a LTR with a man that I feel that magic for and who feels the same way about me. I am well aware that I may never find that. I think that would be OK.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Eternal Sunshine

[Dark_history]

I seem to always come to the same crossroads. After a period of being single and lonely, I crave being in a relationship. Since finding someone with that magic is not easy and may take years or more, I try to be practical. I even had pep talks from my best friend and dad. My dad told me that it's always a good idea to marry a man that loves me more than I love him. He says that it makes for a much easier life as ultimately all passion fades. They all tell me to look for a best friend and a companion. Best friend/companion men that want to commit are pretty easy to find.

 

So I started dating one, like I did in the past. Inevitably, I feel the same void, the same longing for passion that I always felt. This is a good man who would be stable and reliable. But I don't long for his touch, I don't feel butterflies, that magic is not there. I feel comfortable with him and he is easy company but

 

Ultimately I am a dreamer and romantic. But thinking about what would make me happy; I think a series of passionate flings would make me happier than a marriage to someone I feel meh about.

 

I am well aware that I may never find that reciprocated magic. I think I could be OK with that.

 

I think, from the way you are posting, you want some real excitement, something with risk. At least that is what I can think that may provide you with that passion easily. And there are only two ways that can happen:

 

1) going on a vacation where there is passion, like paris and getting intimate with a man there for a temporary fling in an unknown area.

 

2) being involved in an affair

 

Now I am not recommending either one (especially not #2) but they both carry that sort of risk/adventure that would provide a temporary passionate fling.

 

Besides that, the only thing left is trying to find someone that really "clicks" with you, that gives the butterflies whenever you see them, which can be a rare thing. I totally understand in not wanting a meh relationship with someone that is nice and stable, it would feel like you are getting together for economical reasons, rather than passionate "I can't stand being without him" love.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Besides that, the only thing left is trying to find someone that really "clicks" with you, that gives the butterflies whenever you see them, which can be a rare thing. I totally understand in not wanting a meh relationship with someone that is nice and stable, it would feel like you are getting together for economical reasons, rather than passionate "I can't stand being without him" love.

 

 

This is what I truly want and have always wanted but never been able to find (at least not reciprocated version).

[RedRobin]

This is what I truly want and have always wanted but never been able to find (at least not reciprocated version).

 

You probably have come across a few... but any discussion of your need for constant passion and aversion to marriage probably scared them off.

 

I come across the male version all the time... and no matter how much passion they claim to have for me... or how much 'chemistry' we have... I can never trust them. They seem to be a poor investment. As tough as it is, I always send them on their way. People here criticize me for this, and criticize me for 'testing' the gotta have passion guys... but I think it is smart.

 

Long term, I know they would break my heart because they don't commit to anything, except their 'feelings' which are transient and mean nothing in the big scheme of things.

 

Here is a question for the board. Why would an emotionally healthy person capable of and interested in commitment ever commit to a person who needs constant 'passion' and 'romance'??

 

Seems like an oxymoron and a recipe for disaster... Just the opposite of commitment. because when life throws you a curve ball, you don't want the ones who are hung up on passion and will use that as an excuse to shove off. You want the ones who understand what commitment means.

[Babolat]

I want this too. I think most of us do, and it's a normal desire.

 

I had this with the ex gf. When I would see her I would almost get goosebumps sometimes. Her irresponsible lifestyle was just too much for me.

 

Now, when I meet a new woman, they seem almost too conservative for me. They are great woman, but I want a little more "umph", a little more adventure I guess.

 

I hear you about the being emotiuoanlly unavailable, and I thought about that a lot yesterday. I think it's more what I saw in her, that I liked, and I now know, I want in a partner. Someone who has some adventure, takes some risk, does goofy silly things, sometimes just because, yet is responsbile. I am on the conservative side, and, I think I want a woman who can get me to step outside my box. I have done that more on my own since my break up, and I like it.

[Leigh 87]

IT is NOT that terribly rare to find a partner who you are passionate about from the start, who makes you long for their touch AND who ends up a good long term match.

 

It is not THAT rare.

 

Some people just find it easier than others.

 

I believe I am one of those people who tends to feel sparks commonly enough, for me to NOT have to go years at a time looking for it. And who has enough of these sparks reciprocated.

 

However, the sparks so far that were reciprocated, did not have the compatibility, personality wise, when it came to them wanting to stay with me.

 

And it will likely take me some time so find the spark AND compatibilty.

I had the whole... " omg I am so attracted to you, You are SO awesome............................ " Then they realised I was a bit quirky and had personal issues and they left once they started to get to KNOW me.

They liked what they saw on the surface, but I am sure I will get the spark again, but with the right guy.

 

Some people just take longe than others. There is nothing particularly special about me.

 

I do not think I will take more than a year or two to find a few sparks, and one that works for a good while but I MAY NOT ( I do not want to jinx it )

[Leigh 87]

I want this too. I think most of us do, and it's a normal desire.

 

I had this with the ex gf. When I would see her I would almost get goosebumps sometimes. Her irresponsible lifestyle was just too much for me.

 

Now, when I meet a new woman, they seem almost too conservative for me. They are great woman, but I want a little more "umph", a little more adventure I guess.

 

I hear you about the being emotiuoanlly unavailable, and I thought about that a lot yesterday. I think it's more what I saw in her, that I liked, and I now know, I want in a partner. Someone who has some adventure, takes some risk, does goofy silly things, sometimes just because, yet is responsbile. I am on the conservative side, and, I think I want a woman who can get me to step outside my box. I have done that more on my own since my break up, and I like it.

 

 

 

 

 

Haha. Your ex sounds like me I love adventure and I am a bit odd and goofy.

 

Out of interest; do you believe there are just "sparky" people?

 

Is your ex one of them? Did she seem to be the type to spark with others easily?

 

I am thinking I am one of those people, even though I am not particularly good looking or anything special.

 

 

Perhaps because I am fun and adventerous, some men like that energy? I am also very positive?

 

Eternal Sunshine is such a great sounding girl:( I wish I lived closer to her actually, she sounds like a good person to know:)

 

The only expanation as to why she takes longer to feel sparks and get them reciprocated than I do, is because she doesn't have the right energy about her, and she has higher standards than I do AND/OR she has a certain past that lends to her behaviour of oly sparking with the wrong dudes who are bad for her?

 

I just don't know:lmao:

 

It HAS to come don to the way you were born. That some people spark easier than others....

[madjac74]

IT is NOT that terribly rare to find a partner who you are passionate about from the start, who makes you long for their touch AND who ends up a good long term match.

 

It is not THAT rare.

 

It isn't that rare at all. It is called infatuation. It is very common when we meet someone new to be totally into them (based on looks or the adrenaline of a new situation) even if you have nothing in common with them. The topic seems to be what if you have the opposite reaction to meeting someone new! Can you maintain it without the infatuation?

[Ruby Slippers]

It isn't that rare at all. It is called infatuation. It is very common when we meet someone new to be totally into them (based on looks or the adrenaline of a new situation) even if you have nothing in common with them.

This is not what I'm talking about. I had a relationship with one guy where we felt this intense bond for years, and I'm pretty sure we'd still feel it if we were together. Yes, we were physically attracted to each other, but it went far beyond that. It was attraction on every level - mental, emotional, spiritual, personality. We just got along on every wavelength. When I would go to his office to have lunch with him sometimes, he practically skipped out of that building, and we'd sit there all cuddled up and moony over a couple of slices of pizza. We were both walking on clouds for the rest of the day. The only thing we ever argued about was his interfering family. When they were out of the picture, we were like two happy lovebirds constantly. People would always give us these sappy looks because we just couldn't stop being sweet on each other. It was completely natural. We didn't have to try. The feelings were just always there. The stupidest little things were a joy to do together.

 

I've had those feelings directed at me more than once, but didn't return them. I wanted to really bad, but couldn't force it. And it has nothing to do with looks. One of my exes who felt that for me was very handsome, tall, smart, successful, life of the party, multi-talented, a total winner. He was crazy about me, but I just didn't feel that for him, and I couldn't fake it. I tried to feel it, but it never happened. I stuck with him for almost 4 years, and he moved to another country with me. But we eventually broke up because I couldn't shake that feeling that something was missing, and he could tell.

 

In my last relationship, I felt those feelings for him big time, and he was the most responsible, grown-up guy I've been with yet - one I felt I could trust to honor the commitments of marriage and fatherhood. But he didn't feel them for me. He said this was fine with him, he wasn't looking for that, and wanted to marry me. I could tell that he wished he could feel them and was kicking himself over it, just as I had in the past. He tried hard, but I told him it wasn't his fault - you feel it or you don't. Again, I tried really hard to be OK with a one-sided romance, but I couldn't escape the feeling that something was missing - and he could tell.

 

I'm not looking for fleeting infatuation. I'm looking for that deep bond that transcends everything and gives you the mutual feeling that you and this person were made for each other. I've experienced it and know plenty of people who have. Some of them are friends of mine who are happily married. Of course their relationships aren't perfect, but they're more than worth it because they feel that deep soul connection. I would even say that my parents have this connection. My dad is a very prickly, difficult person who has driven most of his kids away with his bad attitude - but my mom seems uniquely wired to handle him in a way that no one else can, and in spite of their flaws, they love each other and seem to feel they were made for each other.

[Babolat]

Is your ex one of them? Did she seem to be the type to spark with others easily?

 

Yes and yes. She has an amazing energy about her and does attract people to her.

[Addison312]

Do You Have to Have Passion to Have a Successful Relationship?

 

I recently found this to be a good read, as well as the comments. I'm currently experiencing something similar in my relationship.

[Ruby Slippers]

There are also studies that show the brain chemicals of infatuation die down after some time. I think around 1 year they start to die down. Sometimes earlier or later though...

Studies have also shown that in some cases this morphs into a deep bond of long-term attachment - whereas in some cases it just fizzles out into nothing.

 

The latter is like a junk food meal - quick fix, then crash. The former is a delicious multi-course meal that satisfies on every level.

 

I think settling and doing without that deep bond is like those portable army meals - they keep you alive, but aren't very tasty or satisfying.

[RedRobin]

All things considered, I believe it is a good idea if the 'gotta have passion' types avoid the more pragmatic, commitment oriented types... as appealing as one or the other type might initially be on the surface.

 

Would be easier for all involved. It is no good trying to convince the more 'passion' oriented to go along for the ride and do something they don't want to do.

 

... and the more pragmatic ones learn to avoid the ones who require that 'passion'... I suspect the ones who have had past success reeling in the more pragmatic ones will find that dynamic changing as they get older because we wise up after awhile... Sanman is a good example. I'm another one.

 

Personally, if a guy tells me that 'passion' is his top priority, I lose interest in him romantically no matter how much early 'chemistry' we might have, how much we seem to have in common, or anything else. No matter how appealing he might be on lots of levels... something in my brain just switches off... I know he won't be there for me for the long haul.

 

Even if he doesn't say that... and instead claims to be more relationship oriented.... I can always tell and end it. I just don't see them as good bets for anything long term for someone like me. Friends ok... but not romantically.