How do people settle?

[man_in_the_box]

Do You Have to Have Passion to Have a Successful Relationship?

 

I recently found this to be a good read, as well as the comments. I'm currently experiencing something similar in my relationship.

 

Interesting read - really puts the two sides of the coin in perspective on this issue. And leaves the ultimate the decision to the reader instead of telling us what to do.

[Ruby Slippers]

In the relationship where I had the mutual deep bond, we had passion and comfort. One of our favorite ways to spend a weekday evening was to cook a simple dinner, light a fire in the fireplace, lie on the couch together, and listen to a really good album. Then we'd usually put a blanket in front of the fireplace, have hot sex, and fall asleep by the fire. Very comfortable, with plenty of passion

[RedRobin]

In the relationship where I had the mutual deep bond, we had passion and comfort. One of our favorite ways to spend a weekday evening was to cook a simple dinner, light a fire in the fireplace, lie on the couch together, and listen to a really good album. Then we'd usually put a blanket in front of the fireplace, have hot sex, and fall asleep by the fire. Very comfortable, with plenty of passion

 

That's a nice story.

 

It reminds me of a married guy I know who has a lovely, devoted wife who is a great mom and faithful partner... She works hard to stay attractive for him and keep a put together home. He has every reason to have stayed in love with her... if he were the grateful, appreciative type. But he isn't.

 

He's a guy who is in love with 'love' and feels the need to have affairs every so often to get his fix. Oh, I have no doubt he's incredibly romantic and passionate... with his mistresses. But he's bored with his wife. He just can't get excited about her routine acts of love. It's a shame, really.

 

If he poured half that energy into showing appreciation and care for his wife, I imagine things would be a lot different. *shrug*

 

This is just one example. I could give you examples of women I know who do the same thing. Acts of love and devotion from their spouse just aren't enough to keep them happy. I call them love addicts. Emotional black holes. I do my best to steer clear of them in my romantic life.

 

Not saying you are or anyone here is. I know it when I see it though.... and no matter how many pretty, sexy stories they tell me or how seductive they are, I know it is short lived. It's never enough to fill that gaping hole in their life and heart.

 

As for me... I would have preferred my ex-H remembered the time I held his hand when we had to rush him to the hospital for anaphylactic shock which almost killed him. The times I drove three hours each way to come see him when I was in college. The times I sat out events with my co-workers because he was so jealous and paranoid about the attentions from my male colleagues... how I always supported his goals and dreams. How we worked side by side to restore a home we could both be proud of... All of our adventures together...

 

Nope. He took all that for granted, the 'romantic' that he was. I won't make that mistake again.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Again there seems to be a misunderstanding.

 

I don't want passion and butterflies forever. I want them at the start. I don't leave once they die down. I am both: passion and commitment oriented which is what I am looking for in a man. Just because I don't want marriage doesn't mean that I don't want commitment and a long term relationship.

 

Unfortunately, "passion men" seem to be love them and leave them types once that passion fades.

 

Again, settling to me means never having that passion, in the beginning or otherwise.

[joystickd]

Some of you really just don't want to find anyone. "Settling" is just an excuse to continue to be addicted to the struggle. Just be honest with yourself.

 

Hell I don't want a relationship. I had to be honest with myself about it today. I find someone I have feelings for and they don't want me. I meet someone I just want to f**k or they want me to be the OM they love me to death. I told someone I loved them today. Someone I had known for a long time and had feelings for. I got told "The best thing you can do is forget about me".

 

Life sucks you are not going to find that butterflies and if you do they are just a flash in the pan.

[Leigh 87]

All things considered, I believe it is a good idea if the 'gotta have passion' types avoid the more pragmatic, commitment oriented types... as appealing as one or the other type might initially be on the surface.

 

Would be easier for all involved. It is no good trying to convince the more 'passion' oriented to go along for the ride and do something they don't want to do.

 

... and the more pragmatic ones learn to avoid the ones who require that 'passion'... I suspect the ones who have had past success reeling in the more pragmatic ones will find that dynamic changing as they get older because we wise up after awhile... Sanman is a good example. I'm another one.

 

Personally, if a guy tells me that 'passion' is his top priority, I lose interest in him romantically no matter how much early 'chemistry' we might have, how much we seem to have in common, or anything else. No matter how appealing he might be on lots of levels... something in my brain just switches off... I know he won't be there for me for the long haul.

 

Even if he doesn't say that... and instead claims to be more relationship oriented.... I can always tell and end it. I just don't see them as good bets for anything long term for someone like me. Friends ok... but not romantically.

 

 

 

I want marriage. I want long term committment, with the hope it will turn into a life long one.

 

I am VERY committment orientated and I am a VERY loyal girlfriend.

 

I believe in working on a marriage. I OD NOT believe there should be passion in the place of any deeper level of substance.

 

It DOES NOT have to be passion OR a lasting, healthy relationship.

 

WHY is it SO hard to fathom that BOTH can be present?

 

WHY is it so hard to feel chemistry when you first meet a person, AND for that person to be a good match for you?

...I do not see why I have to, supposedly, find a guy who I meet and do not feel romantically about or want to kiss for a good month after meeting him.

Why is it a given that I will, if I want marriage and a long term thing, have to settle with a guy who I don't even want to BE WITH in a romantic way, and rather, hav to LEARN to feel "romatic" about?

 

 

 

...A relationship with NO chemistry is NOT a relationship, to a woman like me. I see them as a BEST FRIEND who I have sex with and who looks after me.

 

 

 

 

WHY is it SO HARD to believe that I won't find a decent level of chemistry, but with a good match?

[Leigh 87]

People are basically saying that I have to pick from a guy like guy one, and that ANY guy who I feel passionate about, will never work out long term.

 

Right. That makes A LOT of sense:lmao:

 

Guy One:

The guy who is crazy about me atm, who earns good money and would have looked after me very well, who treats me like a princess and who I LOVE to be around for days at a time....

Yet I feel no chemistry, I do not feel like just sitting them in front of the TV and kissing him.

I don't get excited when I get his texts (but they make me happy).

I don't get any sense of wanting to pick this one man, as the last man I ever be with.

He does not make me happy or excited about giving up my search for love.

I do not long for his touch

I do not feel like making out with him or having sex with him all that much

Yet he is the most awesome and most FUN guy I have ever spent time with.

I care about him so much more than all my recent exes.

 

Other Guys:

BY the end of the night if not right away, I would want to make out with them all.

I could NOT get enough of kissing them. Just standing their for hours, kissing. Making out good and properly.

I had fantasies about them and me having sex.

My heart jumped when they texted.

From day one, I felt EXCITED about the prospect of exploring a long term thing with them.

A switch flipped, where I was not uncomfortable or burdened by the fact that they could be the last guy I slept with. I did not feel it was a grim reality, the way I felt i was with guys I DID NOT feel passionate about.

 

Guy 3, I felt OFF THE CHARTS chemistry with.

Guy 2, sort of the same, about a 7/10 or an 8.

Guy 1, I did not want to jump him the first hour of chatting, but as the night progressed, I realised we had good chemistry, at least a 6 or 7/10.

After meeting ALL of the chemistry ladden men, my heart jumped when they texted me the next day. I felt SO excited about exploring dating with them.

The "nice guy" who is in love with me and who gets those butterflies over ME, well, I never got that sense of exitement at the notion of HIM being the one for me.

 

Who is to say the guy I had chemistry with were NOT nice guys?

 

I ADORE the guy who loves me the most. I would love to see myself with him.

 

WHY do people seem to believe I need a 2 - 5/10 chemistry wise, in order to pick a winner?

[Weezy1973]

In the relationship where I had the mutual deep bond, we had passion and comfort. One of our favorite ways to spend a weekday evening was to cook a simple dinner, light a fire in the fireplace, lie on the couch together, and listen to a really good album. Then we'd usually put a blanket in front of the fireplace, have hot sex, and fall asleep by the fire. Very comfortable, with plenty of passion

 

So just to be clear -

 

1. Relationship with guy who was great on paper, but who you weren't feeling it for. You ended it.

 

2. Relationship with guy who was great on paper, you were head over heels about (at least at the beginning, I read the posts), but he wasn't head over heels about you - but was the more pragmatic type and more than happy to spend his life with you. You ended it.

 

3. Relationship with guy where you both were head over heels about each other. And, AND, you also enjoyed that level of comfort that is necessary in a long term relationship. But he had a meddlesome family. So you ended it.

 

Are you sure you want to be in a relationship? You do realize that compromise is fundamental to any successful relationship right? From your history, it appears that you don't...

 

Maybe it's not about settling - but instead that the perpetually single people so obsessed with not settling themselves are bad relationship material.

[RedRobin]

I want marriage. I want long term committment, with the hope it will turn into a life long one.

 

I am VERY committment orientated and I am a VERY loyal girlfriend.

 

I believe in working on a marriage. I OD NOT believe there should be passion in the place of any deeper level of substance.

 

It DOES NOT have to be passion OR a lasting, healthy relationship.

 

WHY is it SO hard to fathom that BOTH can be present?

 

WHY is it so hard to feel chemistry when you first meet a person, AND for that person to be a good match for you?

...I do not see why I have to, supposedly, find a guy who I meet and do not feel romantically about or want to kiss for a good month after meeting him.

Why is it a given that I will, if I want marriage and a long term thing, have to settle with a guy who I don't even want to BE WITH in a romantic way, and rather, hav to LEARN to feel "romatic" about?

 

 

 

...A relationship with NO chemistry is NOT a relationship, to a woman like me. I see them as a BEST FRIEND who I have sex with and who looks after me.

 

 

 

 

WHY is it SO HARD to believe that I won't find a decent level of chemistry, but with a good match?

 

I'm not here to convince people who share the instant sparks philosophy. I just do my best to avoid them when I come across them in the dating world.

 

To each his/her own.

[joystickd]

I want marriage. I want long term committment, with the hope it will turn into a life long one.

 

I am VERY committment orientated and I am a VERY loyal girlfriend.

 

I believe in working on a marriage. I OD NOT believe there should be passion in the place of any deeper level of substance.

 

It DOES NOT have to be passion OR a lasting, healthy relationship.

 

WHY is it SO hard to fathom that BOTH can be present?

 

WHY is it so hard to feel chemistry when you first meet a person, AND for that person to be a good match for you?

...I do not see why I have to, supposedly, find a guy who I meet and do not feel romantically about or want to kiss for a good month after meeting him.

Why is it a given that I will, if I want marriage and a long term thing, have to settle with a guy who I don't even want to BE WITH in a romantic way, and rather, hav to LEARN to feel "romatic" about?

 

 

 

...A relationship with NO chemistry is NOT a relationship, to a woman like me. I see them as a BEST FRIEND who I have sex with and who looks after me.

 

 

 

 

WHY is it SO HARD to believe that I won't find a decent level of chemistry, but with a good match?

You dont really want a relationship!!!!

[joystickd]

So just to be clear -

 

1. Relationship with guy who was great on paper, but who you weren't feeling it for. You ended it.

 

2. Relationship with guy who was great on paper, you were head over heels about (at least at the beginning, I read the posts), but he wasn't head over heels about you - but was the more pragmatic type and more than happy to spend his life with you. You ended it.

 

3. Relationship with guy where you both were head over heels about each other. And, AND, you also enjoyed that level of comfort that is necessary in a long term relationship. But he had a meddlesome family. So you ended it.

 

Are you sure you want to be in a relationship? You do realize that compromise is fundamental to any successful relationship right? From your history, it appears that you don't...

 

Maybe it's not about settling - but instead that the perpetually single people so obsessed with not settling themselves are bad relationship material.

I agree the one that won't settle are bad relationship material.

[love1336x]

I know a year ago I was going to settle for a man who I thought was the love of my life, but turn out he was a cheater.

 

It's the feeling you get... I personally have dated a lot of men... When I first became single after 3 year relationship. I dated, and DATED. I was having dates once a week. It was fun. It was nice to meet different men. It was nice going to different restaurants, watching every single movie that came out, going golfing, and lots more other fun activities, but after a while...

I wanting a man who I could just snuggle with and watch anime all day.

I'm tired of dating men. I want to find the "one." I get no real pleasure of dating anymore, the awkwardness, the interview questions... Just BLAH.

 

You settle when you get tired of searching...

[heartshaped]

I'm looking for that deep bond that transcends everything and gives you the mutual feeling that you and this person were made for each other.

 

I think that type of thing comes around maybe once or twice in a lifetime. Sometimes for some people, never.

 

Personally, I wouldn't hold out for that. But that may be hypocritical of me because the guy I felt that way for I went after.

[Woggle]

I have somebody I am crazy about myself but I have never been one to believe in chasing constant highs. I am a doer rather than a dreamer and I have always approached relationships the same way. I am just one to constantly chase some high because they are very short lived and make you feel worse than you did before. I prefer to let things slowly build until I am just as happy as the people who have that high and it lasts longer as well. The best things in this world build over time.

[Jaysk]

There are so many variations on this theme. Some people settle for what they can get because they would rather be with someone than no-one.

 

In other cases affection can grow over time especially if there is respect and honestly in the relationship.

 

The initial spark is transient anyway unless a solid foundation is built. The 'Meh" may be a better choice than the "hottie". You can never tell going in.

[xxoo]

In the relationship where I had the mutual deep bond, we had passion and comfort. One of our favorite ways to spend a weekday evening was to cook a simple dinner, light a fire in the fireplace, lie on the couch together, and listen to a really good album. Then we'd usually put a blanket in front of the fireplace, have hot sex, and fall asleep by the fire. Very comfortable, with plenty of passion

 

But you aren't together?

 

We've got passion and comfort. We started passionate, grew to be very comfortable, but kept the behaviors that inject passion. We never got "lazy", although I don't think of it as work to be my husband's girlfriend. It's fun.

 

I believe that relationships require a lot of care to remain passionate. Resentment is the biggest passion killer.

[xxoo]

People need consider why they desire a relationship. If you are happy alone, don't crave a housemate, don't need a partner's financial support, don't want kids, and don't particularly like compromising, what is the big draw of a relationship? For many, that big draw isn't practical; it's quality sex and feeling like you've found the person you can't live without. Otherwise, far better to be alone.

 

Others have more practical reasons to seek and appreciate a relationship. Therefore, they will make a more practical choice in a partner, and may be quite happy with that choices.

[Leigh 87]

You dont really want a relationship!!!!

 

 

 

Yes I do.

 

I happen to be a fantastic partner. I am loyal, generous with my time, I do anything for them.

 

I did not think of another man when I was in any my relationships.

 

I am financially responsible. I love travel, but I would live within my means and not make impulsive decisions.

 

I am adventerous and fun, yet responsible and loyal.

 

There is nothing I wouldn't have done for my ex, even though he was a cheater and was not crazy in love with me.

[Leigh 87]

There are so many variations on this theme. Some people settle for what they can get because they would rather be with someone than no-one.

 

In other cases affection can grow over time especially if there is respect and honestly in the relationship.

 

The initial spark is transient anyway unless a solid foundation is built. The 'Meh" may be a better choice than the "hottie". You can never tell going in.

 

 

 

It is not black or white.

 

I do not need a hot guy to feel chemistry and a spark.

 

You seem to think it is either "meh" about a normal, average person wo you have NO chemistry with or desire to kiss (and rather, have to "learn" to want to be intimate with them), or "crazy about" an unattainable hottie.

 

I felt it for guys who thought I was above their league but who I found adorable, yet werent what most others would consider to be "hot"

 

We had hot chemistry.

 

I see no reason why I can't find it again. I am not fuss with looks and could not care less if the guy is overweight, has bad teeth or bad skin (even though I have straight teeth and nice skin and I am slim, myself).

 

I do not need a hottie.

 

I need chemistry.

 

I need to want to kiss my partner from date one.

 

I don't want to date a friend.

 

I was to date people I have ROMANTIC feelings for.

[Leigh 87]

I'm not here to convince people who share the instant sparks philosophy. I just do my best to avoid them when I come across them in the dating world.

 

To each his/her own.

 

 

Can you please explain to me why you think it will be difficult for me to find a guy I have decent chemistry with and who I get excited about, who ends up being a decent person and partner?

 

I don't need hot guys. I don't care if they are blue or white collar. I do not care if they are over weight.

 

I am not fussy with looks, so I am not quiet sure why you seem to think it is hard for ALL women to find chemistry plus something lasting?

 

I do not only feel chemistry with bad boys. The guys I have felt it for were nice guys. They were not unavailable payboy types.

 

I am really baffled as to why you think ALL women will have great difficulty in finding a guy that is crazy about them and wo they are crazy about. Who lasts the test of time.

 

Why do you think a bit of chemistry is that elusive to find, in a loving and kind partner?

[RedRobin]

Can you please explain to me why you think it will be difficult for me to find a guy I have decent chemistry with and who I get excited about, who ends up being a decent person and partner?

 

I don't need hot guys. I don't care if they are blue or white collar. I do not care if they are over weight.

 

I am not fussy with looks, so I am not quiet sure why you seem to think it is hard for ALL women to find chemistry plus something lasting?

 

I do not only feel chemistry with bad boys. The guys I have felt it for were nice guys. They were not unavailable payboy types.

 

I am really baffled as to why you think ALL women will have great difficulty in finding a guy that is crazy about them and wo they are crazy about. Who lasts the test of time.

 

Why do you think a bit of chemistry is that elusive to find, in a loving and kind partner?

 

Sure, I'd be happy to explain. Because I know what commitment looks like. Commitment is the ability to do what you may not necessarily WANT to do, but you do it anyway for the benefit of the relationship. Before I go any further... lets not go down a path where people are condoning abuse and severe neglect.... What I'm talking about is the day to day routine and malaise that lots of people complain about as "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you" kind of thing...

 

If you are committed only to 'passion', then what that means is, you are committed to a 'feeling'... which is transient and has no basis in anything of substance. It takes no effort... and the passion people (maybe not you, but others I've witnessed) don't want effort. At all.

 

Yes, you CAN have both passion and commitment... but it is the commitment... and the ability to SEE PAST what is likely a momentary lag in 'passion' in order to get to the other side to bring that passion back. My observation is that passion oriented, instant sparks people don't have that foresight or even desire.

 

I've witnessed it in my own parent's marriage. They separated once when I was younger... and they talked about divorce as recently as 15 years ago (after more than 30 years of marriage!!) but they didn't. They sought help, reevaluated long standing patterns they both had... and guess what?! They fell back in love again. My dad was here visiting for a month at the end of summer to help with house projects. It was so cute how he missed her and couldn't wait to get home. He's 70 now and just got on Viagra. (you go dad!!). I'm happy to say I helped him lose the little Buddha belly he was starting to grow (my mom thanked me, haha). All is well in the RR family

[joystickd]

Yes I do.

 

I happen to be a fantastic partner. I am loyal, generous with my time, I do anything for them.

 

I did not think of another man when I was in any my relationships.

 

I am financially responsible. I love travel, but I would live within my means and not make impulsive decisions.

 

I am adventerous and fun, yet responsible and loyal.

 

There is nothing I wouldn't have done for my ex, even though he was a cheater and was not crazy in love with me.

If you and others actually did you all would let go of this idealized romance novel fantasy or the crazy set of standards use to find ways not to be with men. There are men out here that meet the things you want but don't present them in the ways you expect.

 

Then my other thing is what do you all actually have to offer to these guys. You all demand so much but more than likely you offer nothing

[Leigh 87]

If you and others actually did you all would let go of this idealized romance novel fantasy or the crazy set of standards use to find ways not to be with men. There are men out here that meet the things you want but don't present them in the ways you expect.

 

Then my other thing is what do you all actually have to offer to these guys. You all demand so much but more than likely you offer nothing

 

 

 

I am fun, adventerous, I have travelled to most continents and have a plethora of amazing and highly funny experiences..

 

Not to mention I am loyal.

 

I honestly did ANYTHING for my ex. I was the best girlfriend. I picked him up at ALL HOURS of the night.

 

 

Also, I do not demand much; I do not care if a guy is overweight, has bad teeth or skin. Even though I have very nice straight teeth and I am slender myself, I DO NOT need a guy who has the same things.

 

 

 

How am I demanding too much? I never care what a guy looks like, as long as I have passion and chemistry.

 

I do not care about his job or level of success...

 

 

 

 

I am really not demanding much AT ALL.

 

 

THe ONE thing I need is to feel excited about dating them, and to have enough chemistry to want to kiss them on date one.

[Leigh 87]

Sure, I'd be happy to explain. Because I know what commitment looks like. Commitment is the ability to do what you may not necessarily WANT to do, but you do it anyway for the benefit of the relationship. Before I go any further... lets not go down a path where people are condoning abuse and severe neglect.... What I'm talking about is the day to day routine and malaise that lots of people complain about as "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you" kind of thing...

 

If you are committed only to 'passion', then what that means is, you are committed to a 'feeling'... which is transient and has no basis in anything of substance. It takes no effort... and the passion people (maybe not you, but others I've witnessed) don't want effort. At all.

 

Yes, you CAN have both passion and commitment... but it is the commitment... and the ability to SEE PAST what is likely a momentary lag in 'passion' in order to get to the other side to bring that passion back. My observation is that passion oriented, instant sparks people don't have that foresight or even desire.

 

I've witnessed it in my own parent's marriage. They separated once when I was younger... and they talked about divorce as recently as 15 years ago (after more than 30 years of marriage!!) but they didn't. They sought help, reevaluated long standing patterns they both had... and guess what?! They fell back in love again. My dad was here visiting for a month at the end of summer to help with house projects. It was so cute how he missed her and couldn't wait to get home. He's 70 now and just got on Viagra. (you go dad!!). I'm happy to say I helped him lose the little Buddha belly he was starting to grow (my mom thanked me, haha). All is well in the RR family

 

 

 

 

But I am very committment orientated.

 

I know very well that the initial spark fizzles, and you have to WORK to bring romance back after years together...

I am a hard worker when it comes to relationships. I DO NOT get bored after years together.

The longer I was with my ex, the more into him I became. The more crazy about him I became. The more I wanted to continue.

 

 

 

All I am asking for are:

 

- instant chemistry from the first date, that makes me want to kiss them.

 

- I want to feel excited about the prospect of them.

 

 

That is all.

 

 

I do not like meeting a guy, feeling NO romantic feelings, and by date 2 or 3, STILL NOT feel ANY urge to kiss him.

I do not want to have to "work" at wanting to kiss someone, when there are PLENTY of people I would not HAVE to " try" to enjoy kissing.

 

 

 

I really do not think I am asking that much, to feel all excited and happy about the early dating stages.

 

 

 

If I am totally indifferent to seeing them, then that is what FRIENDS are to me.

[love1336x]

I am fun, adventerous, I have travelled to most continents and have a plethora of amazing and highly funny experiences..

 

Not to mention I am loyal.

 

I honestly did ANYTHING for my ex. I was the best girlfriend. I picked him up at ALL HOURS of the night.

 

 

Also, I do not demand much; I do not care if a guy is overweight, has bad teeth or skin. Even though I have very nice straight teeth and I am slender myself, I DO NOT need a guy who has the same things.

 

 

 

How am I demanding too much? I never care what a guy looks like, as long as I have passion and chemistry.

 

I do not care about his job or level of success...

 

 

 

 

I am really not demanding much AT ALL.

 

 

THe ONE thing I need is to feel excited about dating them, and to have enough chemistry to want to kiss them on date one.

 

Oh my god. I am the same way! My ex was 5'3 and weigh about 195... He was very heavy but I didnt care because we had chemistry. I was a very faithful girlfriend. When he was thirsty in the middle of the night I would get up and get him a drink of water... Always cooked him dinner... I try my hardest to be the best girlfriend, yet still got stabbed in the back. I never demanded anything from him unlike his ex who used him for rides and personal debt card.

Edited November 23, 2013 by love1336x