How do people settle?

[Leigh 87]

Oh my god. I am the same way! My ex was 5'3 and weigh about 195... He was very heavy but I didnt care because we had chemistry. I was a very faithful girlfriend. When he was thirsty in the middle of the night I would get up and get him a drink of water... Always cooked him dinner... I try my hardest to be the best girlfriend, yet still got stabbed in the back. I never demanded anything from him unlike his ex who used him for rides and personal debt card.

 

 

Wow that sucks. Sorry to hear about that.

 

My ex saw hookers and talked to girls online. Yet I still stuck by him and tried to work on things because he urged us to try to fight to save us.

 

Wanting chemistry when you first meet someone rather means, you don't have to " learn " how to enjoy kissing. Chemistry means you actually WANT to have a physical relationship. You don't have to work towards it.

Wanting at least SOME chemistry instantly and wanting a person to fall head over heels for you is not being demanding.

 

Demanding is when you have a laundry list of requirements. I have barely any set requirements.

 

I don't care what they look like unless they are obese. Being chubby is never a second thought. I also prefer a guy who can spell and use basic grammar correctly. I don't want kids. I need them to be a genuinely kind and generous person.

 

I really don't think I have set the bar too high. I am slim and in shape. I have nice teeth and skin. I am in college but had a previous career before going back. I am well traveled and adventurous.

 

I think I have a lot to offer certain men, and I don't think I am asking for too much based on what I myself have to offer.

 

There is such thing as fairy tale love. When two people are simply crazy about each other from the start and also both happen to be commitment minded people.

 

.... Yes the chemistry fades. It doesn't mean all aspiring spark people will NOT want to work to retain it over the years.

[Leigh 87]

settling for me, is dating a guy I feel indifferent about. Who I'm not excited about. Who I don't feel like kissing after 2 or more dates.

Yet who is a really good person who would look after me and treat me like a princess.

 

I simply want to meet a guy, feel excited about the next date and already lose focus on all other dating prospects.

I want to look forward to kissing him. I don't want making out to be a task I have to learn to enjoy.

 

 

 

My good friend and her bf fell hard. She got butterflies. She was all dreamy and excited about him.

 

 

I am not sure why people think getting the above, is some fairy tale.

 

 

It doesn't always have to take months to figure out if you're that into someone. Some people fall hard right away.

[Sanman]

http://http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2402601/The-glass-really-IS-half-Realistic-optimists-happier-successful-personality-types.html

 

This article I came across recently regarding optimism reminded me of this thread and really encapsulates different outlooks a person may have. I see pessimists as those who settle out of desperation. I see unbridled optimism as some of those looking for their spark, soulmate, etc. That type of person is looking for their fit and nothing else will do. I see myself as a realistic optimist. My life reflects that outlook and so does my partner. Is she the person I click with most in the world? Maybe, maybe not. However, I have done my fair share of dating and in the 4-5 years I have been looking for a serious partner, I can say she is the best overall choice for me. I broke up with others because certain negative traits outweighed the positives. To say my outlook is the correct one would be silly. But I do think your outlook determines your capacity to hold out hope in the face of unknown future odds and, thus, your capacity to settle for a certain mate.

[Eggplant]

I want to agree with the other introverted posters. For me, I love my alone time, and dealing with people stresses me out. Therefore, settling for a partner, with a commitment and sacrifices and everything, whom I didn't feel excited about, would be worse than being alone.

[Eggplant]

BTW chemistry is a woman thing, guys don't give a crap about it.

What??? Are you sure? Men don't feel more attracted to some women than to others? Do you speak for all men?

[Eggplant]

So I don't pay attention to it anymore since I'm looking for someone more stable.

Would you be happy committing to a woman who also wanted stability, who admittedly did not feel chemistry with you, but had felt it for other crazier men?

[Eggplant]

I'm 47 years old and I am sure. yes. some women are more attractive than others. women are obsessed with chemistry, totally obsessed. worse yet they don't give it time to develop. do I speak for all men? no I don't. there's a few men here and there that make a hullabaloo over chemistry too.

 

My body does not lie, I cannot lie, so I'd better love the person for real.

[Eggplant]

Women and so called chemistry. a summary. woman feels chemistry for a man who is no good for her. he uses her for sex, drops her. she spends months wondering about him. she meets good long term prospect. he can't match chemistry of first guy no matter what he does for her. she drops him breaking his heart. repeat and repeat.

 

So what should she do? I feel it is unethical so lie about something so important as love. Should she stay with the good prospect, but just tell him the truth, that she doesn't feel chemistry for him, and that she felt more for the bad prospect?

[Eggplant]

Women regularly confuse love and infatuation. that is crucial.

Should I be honest then with a good prospect and tell him that I'm not infatuated with him, and that's why my body doesn't respond to him, and that's why I don't really like kissing him? He'll be reassured, since that's only infatuation, and the real love, which he as a man knows about and I as a woman do not, might come in time.

[Eggplant]

Can't advise you because chemistry is mainly a woman thing, usually tied to infatuation. a lesson I learned when I was a young man is to never let women use you to cry about their mean boyfriends.

Some women are users, just as some men are users. If I cannot offer anything, I don't lead people on. And in the 2 relationships I've had, I was loyal. So I wouldn't dream of going behind my bf's back and bad-mouthing him to other guys.

[Eggplant]

Women and so called chemistry. a summary. woman feels chemistry for a man who is no good for her. he uses her for sex, drops her. she spends months wondering about him. she meets good long term prospect. he can't match chemistry of first guy no matter what he does for her. she drops him breaking his heart. repeat and repeat.

 

Here is my observation: the good prospects are considering giving themselves over for real. They therefore are not quick in expressing romantic feelings and love, because the honest men don't do that thing unless it's real. The players and crazy men out there go off the deep end with love poems and what not. They can afford to do that easily, since it's ultimately a lie. So of course the good men cannot compete romantically with the bad ones. The wise woman figures out that all of that romance does her no good since it's pie in the sky.

[Jason8886]

I think people in general confuse love and infatuation, as they do with other emotions. Most people do not have the understanding of their own emotional processes to fully comprehend what is going on emotionally.

 

We are creatures of habit that tend to follow sub conscious patterns of behaviour. It takes a lot of self reflection to understand these behaviours within ourselves. I've found that this tends to happen with relationships, we fall into patterns. People settle for relationships that end up mirroring past relationships that they complained about.

 

I have a friend who refuses to get married as she does not want to end up like her parents, who hate each other but will not separate, yet she herself is in a relationship that she constantly complains about. She has settled into a relationship that is never going to meet her expectations yet she refuses to seek anything better. She is in danger of following in her parents footsteps as she is getting more bitter to the point she is starting to use other people to patch the holes in her relationship.

 

Yet if she understood what the processes are that are going on with her and her relationship she could take some control of her life and either work on her relationship or leave but alas she does not seem like she will do either.

[Eggplant]

Yes, I would be okay with that. At least I know she's sensible.

 

Sometimes, you have to sacrifice one thing to gain another. Life is about compromise.

 

Ok, that's reasonable, I suppose. Sorry for prodding, I am curious:

 

Suppose you committed to a woman, and you both agreed you had no chemistry. You started a family. Now supposed 15 years later you happened to meet another woman, and there was genuine infatuation on both ends -- this woman was crazy for you and you for her, in the way that makes some people think that this is why life is worth living. What would happen to your commitment? Would you stay with the first woman?

[ariesgirl-328]

I think attraction can grow sometimes. Have you every known a guy who did not float your boat, but as you got to know him, you developed an attraction to him based on things other than his looks? Then when you look at his face you see something desirable to you? It happens.

 

But why do you say your life would be easier if you could dated someone "Meh" (does that mean looks)?

 

 

Haven't read what all the other posters have said, so sorry if this is a repeat, but YOU HAVE READ MY MIND COMPLETELY.

 

I met someone who I completely didn't care for at first because he wasn't amazing-looking. But as soon as I got to know him, I fell head over heels for him, and his face became so attractive to me:love:, sadly, I'll be living the rest of my days without that face in my life since he dumped me. But it happens.

[ascendotum]

You settle when you get tired of searching...

 

Yep. alas for many people it boils down to this. It is not a terrible thing, unless it results in them treating their partner in a less worthy manner than they did their other bf/gfs.

[Eggplant]

In short, wreck your home over chemistry. since I'm not obsessed with chemistry, it wouldn't happen if I were married with a family. but every day it happens and people's lives get all ****ed up over it. mommy or daddy cheats and the other parent is left holding the bag. it happens so frequently I'm relieved to be single.

I've seen it happen, and that's why I am hesitant to skip the chemistry thing to begin with -- I wonder whether good solid chemistry doesn't help protect against affairs. Yes it's disgusting.

[lino]

This discussion is still going?

[Eggplant]

Unfortunately, this logic has been somewhat lost since the sexual revolution.

 

It's no surprise that the rise of immorality and selfishness correlated with the rise of depression and suicides.

I'm no expert, but how can human nature have changed in a mere generation or two? I thought people (not all but many) have been having affairs in all times and places since forever...

[Eternal Sunshine]

This discussion is still going?

 

Yeah my threads rock. Do you have a problem with that?

[Anela]

This discussion is still going?

 

You responded to it, just like everyone else. You helped it along.

[AboveandBeyond]

why do people always say "I would much rather have an avg guy with a great personality over a hot jerk"

 

 

Looks and personality have very little to do with each other. I know plenty of good looking guys without a single bad bone in their body and plenty of ugly dudes who are d*ckheads (and vice versa)

 

 

I personally just want enough attraction to where I can imagine myself having sex with the girl without being disgusted. After that point, it's all about how well we get along together

[NoMoreJerks]

To me it's not about settling at all. Attraction isn't the be all and end all. Attraction grows, and I usually feel more attracted to someone the more I get to know them and like their personality (but of course I have to feel SOMETHING, in order to build on it -- if I'm disgusted and totally turned off, I don't go for that person anymore) . I value personality more than I value the whole idea of a "spark". Spark dies off after a few months. You wont be having the "butterflies" for longer than that, most probably... if attraction is what a relationship is mostly based on, it will fall apart not long after that, or if they stick together , there will probably be infidelity by both partners or at least one of them..

[NoMoreJerks]

I've seen it happen, and that's why I am hesitant to skip the chemistry thing to begin with -- I wonder whether good solid chemistry doesn't help protect against affairs. Yes it's disgusting.

Or maybe they went for the chemistry, and there wasn't much substance to the relationship, which led to emotional and/or physical affairs... even sexual affairs are not about dissatisfaction with sex most of the time .

[Anela]

I know of a few "movie romances" that included a marriage within a year of it starting, and the couple seemingly at their happiest... only for them to end several years later, because the couple were ultimately incompatible. One of those that seemed to be the strongest, that included a man moving to Australia for his wife, ended earlier this year, just over three years after he moved there.

 

I don't know anymore. I think that chemistry is needed, but it can build. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone until it had, though.

[Pyro]

why do people always say "I would much rather have an avg guy with a great personality over a hot jerk"

 

 

Looks and personality have very little to do with each other. I know plenty of good looking guys without a single bad bone in their body and plenty of ugly dudes who are d*ckheads (and vice versa)

 

 

I personally just want enough attraction to where I can imagine myself having sex with the girl without being disgusted. After that point, it's all about how well we get along together

 

So you are saying that you want an average girl with a great personality?

 

Welcome back Involver.