How do people settle?

[string of letters]

As an introvert, I would probably find 'settling' to be draining and exhausting if I were living with the person (doesn't settling entail 'pretending to be more interested than you really are'? That would have to come into the picture, at least some of the time). I tend to assume that 'settlers' are mostly extroverts, or at least not too introverted - though I could be totally wrong about this.

[Phoe]

As an introvert, I would probably find 'settling' to be draining and exhausting if I were living with the person (doesn't settling entail 'pretending to be more interested than you really are'? That would have to come into the picture, at least some of the time). I tend to assume that 'settlers' are mostly extroverts, or at least not too introverted - though I could be totally wrong about this.

 

Interesting to consider.

 

 

At my most core values, I consider myself an introvert. I don't crave or require human interaction regularly, I am quite happy when all alone. BUT I'm not shy, don't mind human interaction at all, and am outgoing when in the setting for it.

 

 

I'm a natural introvert with extroverted tendencies. Or I'm nonsensical.

 

 

Maybe speaks a bit to why I don't consider myself to have settled when by definition, I have.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think 'settling' is actually more complicated than it appears - there are so many ways in which people can settle.

 

Take a hypothetical - say there is a woman who wants nothing more than to get married and have a family. This same woman happens to be, due to her upbringing, sexually attracted to emotionally unavailable men - who, as it turns out, make terrible husbands and fathers. She is smart enough to know that marrying an emotionally unavailable man would be a disaster in the long term, even if in the short term, he is the guy that makes her heart skip a beat.

 

Is she settling if she chooses the nice, emotionally available guy, to start a stable family life with, even if he doesn't get her motor running? Or is she settling if she forgets about her desire to start a family and just keeps having short term relationships / casual relationships with the type of men that she is sexually drawn to?

 

Men often have a similar dilemma - you will sometimes hear men lament the fact that the hottest women that are the best in bed are always the craziest, and not at all wife / mother material. If the guy really wants to start a family - he may have to 'settle' for a woman a little less hot.

 

Most people that I see in long lasting marriages do just that - they take a little less in the sexual attraction department for someone that has the qualities of a good life partner and parent. And I think most responsible adults would do the same thing. Does it mean their sex life takes more work than the sex life of a lust based relationship? Sure - but there will always be compromises in any relationship somewhere.

 

You'll also notice that the people that are unwilling to settle often are the same ones that stay single. Relationship experts seem to agree that the five most important aspects of a successful relationship are: honesty, openness, communication, trust and compromise. If you are unwilling to settle on those things, but more flexible on the superficial things (i.e. looks, money, education etc.) then it is unlikely you'll be single for long.

 

This post probably closest describes my dilemma. Men I am drawn to are not good men. They are commitment phobic, emotionally unavailable, unreliable and in most cases unfaithful. They end up treating me badly and even if they were to marry me, I know that I would have a miserable life. I have followed my passions my whole life and ended up in this place that I don't want to be in.

 

I wonder what would happen if I flipped the script and dated a man that I don't feel passionate or excited about but has character traits that would make him a good long term partner. Our sex life will probably never be great but obviously I can't have it all. I never went beyond about 5 dates with those types but I think maybe it's time I did.

 

Sure I want a fairytale where I find it all in one person, but chances are it's not going to happen. I really have 2 choices here: stay alone or settle. I wish I had the third but it's not available to me and I need to be realistic.

[Eternal Sunshine]

As an introvert, I would probably find 'settling' to be draining and exhausting if I were living with the person (doesn't settling entail 'pretending to be more interested than you really are'? That would have to come into the picture, at least some of the time). I tend to assume that 'settlers' are mostly extroverts, or at least not too introverted - though I could be totally wrong about this.

 

Yep, I am an introvert. I love spending time alone so spending all this time with someone I am not in love with will probably be super draining. Sigh

[Woggle]

Maybe try and work out why you are attracted to these kinds of men instead of trying to make it work with a stable guy when chances are you will probably end up breaking his heart.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Maybe try and work out why you are attracted to these kinds of men instead of trying to make it work with a stable guy when chances are you will probably end up breaking his heart.

 

I doubt I would end up breaking his heart. Once I commit to someone, I am completely loyal. I am naturally giving, don't say no to sex and I think I make a great girlfriend. The guy wouldn't know I was settling.

[Leigh 87]

WHY are girls like Phoe and Eternal Sunshine finding it SO HARD to find a guy they have chemisry with AND who is a good guy?!?!

They are much better looking and mre successful than I am. I have met guys I have had chemistry and lust for, who ere attracted to me too and who where not giant players and jerks?

 

I have met THREE guys this year, since my ex bf, who I have had chemistry with AND who seemed to be nice guys who would have treated me well had the relationships actually went on.

 

I am not sure why a totally average girl like me feels so optimistic about finding chemisry AND a decent person?

 

My good friend found a guy who she had ELECTRIC chemistry with and who she fell hard and FAST in love with.

...Do only beautiful girls like her get the guy they have high chemistry for AND who ends up being te best friends/great partner in life?

 

 

I really hope I don't have to settle for a man I do not have hot chemistry with. I HAVE felt hot chemistry with overweight guys, or guys who have awful skin... I hope because I am REALLISTIC with the guys who I know would go for me, that it will make it easier for me to find men who have hot chemistry with me?

 

 

 

I want to find hot chemistry and fall IN love, with a guy who is nice to me and stays faithful:(

 

 

 

Why does EVERYONE act like chemistry and lust PLUS a decent, good guy only happen for he rare few?

Edited November 12, 2013 by Leigh 87

[Woggle]

WHY are girls like Phoe and Eternal Sunshine finding it SO HARD to find a guy they have chemisry with AND who is a good guy?!?!

 

I have met THREE guys this year, since my ex bf, who I have had chemistry with AND who seemed to be nice guys who would have treated me well had the relationships actually went on.

 

I am not sure why a totally average girl like me feels so optimistic about finding chemisry AND a decent person?

 

My good friend found a guy who she had ELECTRIC chemistry with and who she fell hard and FAST in love with.

...Do only beautiful girls like her get the guy they have high chemistry for AND who ends up being te best friends/great partner in life?

 

 

I really hope I don't have to settle for a man I do not have hot chemistry with. I HAVE felt hot chemistry with overweight guys, or guys who have awful skin... I hope because I am REALLISTIC with the guys who I know would go for me, that it will make it easier for me to find men who have hot chemistry with me?

 

 

 

I want to find hot chemistry and fall IN love, with a guy who is nice to me and stays faithful:(

 

 

 

Why does EVERYONE act like chemistry and lust PLUS a decent, good guy only happen for he rare few?

Because even if they don't know it some women have their own version of the madonna/whore complex. They don't associate loyal, faithful and dependable with sexy and passionate. They might not even realize it themselves but that is a big part of it.

[Woggle]

I doubt I would end up breaking his heart. Once I commit to someone, I am completely loyal. I am naturally giving, don't say no to sex and I think I make a great girlfriend. The guy wouldn't know I was settling.

 

I have read enough of your posts to know something like this wouldn't get too far. You can find both but until you learn to stop seperating stable and sexy as if they are mutually exclusive you never will.

[Leigh 87]

It HAS to be the fact that some women associate stable/decent guys with a lack of passion...

 

If a totally plain girl like me, has so far, had chemistry with guys who were very attracted to me and did not seem like they would be jerks to their partners, then the ONLY reason why these better looking girls have problem finding chemistry PLUS stablity MUST be due to them intrinsically drawn to guys who are NOT stable; who are bad men.

 

That is the ONLY explanation, plus bad luck which does happen in the case of PHOE, I believe.

 

 

 

Anyway. I believe any plain girl like me can find chemisry, lust AND a nice guy.

They probably won't have highly paid jobs or good looks, but TO YOU they will be hot and make you hot for them:love:

[crederer]

Well what's your idea of settling, OP? The term means different things to different people.

 

Have you ever ended a relationship due to physical reasons while everything else was good?

 

Have you ever ended a relationship cause the spark faded?

 

My definition of settling will likely be very different than someone elses.

 

However, the reasoning why I think the majority of people settle is either they hate being alone, or they want kids and the clock is ticking so they pick the first person willing to give that to them.

[Ruby Slippers]

I can't settle. I sometimes really wish I could. But I just can't.

 

And it's true for all of life, not just relationships. I've never been able to do some meaningless corporate job just for a big paycheck. If I don't care about my work, I can't even get myself out of bed in the morning and feel like I'd rather just die. My heart has to be in it.

 

My last boyfriend was a "catch", I was crazy about him, and he wanted to get married and was taking clear logistical steps toward that. But he wasn't crazy about me. He said he wasn't that kind of person, didn't want to be crazy about anyone because that was for teenagers and those feelings fade. I can see that he is the practical, responsible kind of person who would rather pick a good solid choice and make it work, rather than agonize over finding The One. But I'm the total opposite. Not only can I not settle - I can't be happy being settled for. I think I would end up being miserable in that situation. I also encouraged him to go for someone he's crazy about, because I think most women want a guy who's crazy about them - and he can find that.

 

Sometimes I really wish I could settle, because it seems my life would be much easier that way. If I were capable of that, I'd be married with kids and financially set by now. But it's just not me. I would lose myself and be playing some meaningless role. And that's no kind of life I want.

 

I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of living out my life alone. But I'm pretty sure I can find a good guy I'm crazy about who's also crazy about me.

 

Eternal Sunshine, I can't imagine you being happy settling, either. But I also think you can find a good guy who's crazy about you. I think the key for both of us is to really go for it in our lives. That's what I'm doing now. I'm pushing myself all over again to do brand new and kind of scary things - like getting more involved in public speaking, starting to perform music and sing in front of crowds again!

 

I think that when you're going for it and all lit up with the excitement of living your desires, you become far more magnetic to everybody - and you're bound to meet more men who are intrigued by you and just have to get to know you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Wonderful post Ruby. I pretty much nodded in agreement all the way through. I wish I could be happy with what most people seem to be happy with. That applies to work too, I stress over that as well and can't just do a regular 9-5 job.

 

I also couldn't be with a guy that settled for me. My soul would wither and die

[Ruby Slippers]

Wonderful post Ruby. I pretty much nodded in agreement all the way through. I wish I could be happy with what most people seem to be happy with. That applies to work too, I stress over that as well and can't just do a regular 9-5 job.

 

I also couldn't be with a guy that settled for me. My soul would wither and die

But you know, there's a place for us in the world - the romantics and dreamers. I can't tell you how many people have told me that I've inspired them in a big way because I go for it in life. I even see this effect on my friends, and I've gotten to the point where I can predict with pretty good accuracy exactly how I'm going to positively influence people who get close to me.

 

I imagine you project a similar energy.

 

If some people are happy settling, that's fine. I'm happy for them if they're happy.

 

I think dreamers and romantics like us have to be true to ourselves to, and we do the world a favor by doing so.

[charlietheginger]

Looks really are not that important to me i look at a womans demenor and character

 

is she nice eazy going non violent stable

vs

a bitchy fussy angry unstable women....

 

id rather be adored by a average looking woman

then

treated like a door matt by a beautiful woman

[FitChick]

I worked with a successful man who was average looking and who married a sweet, average looking doctor. She adored him. I was shocked when one day he was sort of musing, almost talking to himself, "I never could get a girl I really wanted." I said, "But what about Maria?" "Yeah, but..." and his voice trailed off. I felt sorry for her.

[Leigh 87]

ET and Rubyslippers, I definately see both of you finding a guy who is crazy about you AND who you feel the same way about:)

 

It will definately happen for you. I have a gut feeling:)

 

Just like somedude, ET will find her guy, too:love:

 

The reason I think it is hard for ET to find it is due to her high level of intelligence. She not only needs chemistry, lust AND a guy who is crazy about her; she also needs him to be intelligent and professionally accomplished or at least established.

 

Finding a guy who is crazy about you? Easy enough. Even I have one who I DO NOT have chemisry or lust for, sadly:(

A guy who is crazy about YOU, and who YOU are crazy about and have mutual chemistry and lust with? Not rare but takes at least a year to find one guy like this. Unless you're very good looking.

 

....To find a person where you are BOTH crazy for each other, BOTH feel chemistry and lust AND who is a person of intelligence with correct grammar and even a decet job? VERY very rare UNLESS you are that girl who turns heads.

 

 

 

 

I really enjoy having decent friends and good parents and I love living, so I am very comfortable being alone for most of my life opposed to "settling".

 

I am a huge dog lover. My dream has always been to rescue and raise abandoned dogs, instead of having children. I would be SO content just living with my dogs, in a lovely small place with a big yard. Enjoying seeing friends most days.

 

I plan to continue travelling the world and having lovely lovers and flings with gorgeous men, who I am probably not going to motivate to settle down with me.

 

I really like the idea of meeting "the one", but realistically, it takes YEARS to find them, and so I am very happy to live alone in the meanwhile.

[Leigh 87]

Men settle because they don't have any other options.

 

Women settle because no man exists that could live up to their standards.

 

 

Standards?

 

I only ask for: average or unattactive dude who I have lust and chemisry with, who treats me right and who is crazy about me, and me them...

 

Poor or average income, but abe to travel with me every once in a while. Doesn't want kids.

 

 

I am not asking for a good looking dude with a good job like some average women do (then they wonder WHY they are single:lmao:)

 

Not sure why you think my standards are too high.

[Leigh 87]

LOL somedude finally had one girl interested in him. So he's with her now.

 

ET has an unlimited supply of men that are interested, but are not good enough.

 

There's a huge difference in the two situations. I really hope you can see that.

 

 

But she doesn't have chemistry or passion for the men who are interested in her.

 

Why should other women get to get all giddy and excited about men they are dating?

 

Why not her, too? Is it too much to ask for her to want to get butterflies and for her heart to skip a beat when they call or text?

 

She is not asking for hot guys or super successful. Just a decent, intelligent guy who makes her heart flutter.

[GoodOnPaper]

I worked with a successful man who was average looking and who married a sweet, average looking doctor. She adored him. I was shocked when one day he was sort of musing, almost talking to himself, "I never could get a girl I really wanted." I said, "But what about Maria?" "Yeah, but..." and his voice trailed off. I felt sorry for her.

 

Her adoration must not be translating into the bedroom. If that's the case, I relate. I don't know if it's anyone's fault but I think there's a certain level of uninhibited carnality that's reserved for those who can attract that through ONSs and FWBs when single. Marriage won't necessarily make up for that.

[Woggle]

I didn't settle but then again I don't chase fantasies. I am not a unicorns and cities paved of gold kind of guy. Instead of dreaming when I want something I go out and make it actually happen.

[Leigh 87]

Nah.

 

I have chemistry with some guys.

 

It is the force that makes me want to kiss them non stop!

 

The guys who really want me lately and are super into me, I just don't feel it for, I put it down to chemistry because they are not HIDEOUS to look at?

 

 

 

I am sure ET does not just go for the hot guys.

 

Besides, even someone like me has some hot guys that are very attracted to me, based on the fact I am positive, well travelled and "different" from other women they have met.

 

ET has bad luck or issues that draw her to men that are not good.

[Leigh 87]

Many guys, yes. I'm sure that I will eventually settle too.

 

 

 

Don't think that:(

 

 

The guys I have dated, although they didn't work out, they honestly thought I was really attractive to them and they felt really lucky to have me.

 

You too, can find your "average" girl like me, who you actually think is adorable ad beautiful!

 

And no I am not deluded, these guys DID NOT think I was a "less attractive" girl.

 

I did not feel 'settled" for.

 

 

You just haven't met the one yet.

[Leigh 87]

Yes, you like guys that you can't have. The ones that are too readily available you don't want.

 

This is a normal issue for today's woman.

 

 

 

Not at all. I do not feel lust for the guys who are crazy about me.

 

I feel repulsed at the idea of kissing the 3 guys who are crazy about me atm.

 

I do not go for guys I can't have. Since May ,3 guys have been into me who I also fancied. It didn't work out for reasons unrelated to me " not being good enough" physically for these guys that I "lust" after.

 

 

 

...... I go for totally average guys who are overweight with bad skin. Even though I am slim with curves and have perfect teeth myelf.

 

I do not care if a guy is short, bald, fat and poor.

 

I am open to feeling attaction to ALL TYPES of men.

 

 

 

I simply want to feel a spark with a nice, decent guy who thinks I am pretty or beautiful ( TO THEM, since I am not to most guys)

 

 

 

 

I am not asking for the hot male models.

[Phoe]

Because even if they don't know it some women have their own version of the madonna/whore complex. They don't associate loyal, faithful and dependable with sexy and passionate. They might not even realize it themselves but that is a big part of it.

 

If there's one thing I can say for sure, it's that this is absolutely not a problem for me.

 

 

I can't stand bad boy types. Never could. ALWAYS turned me off.

 

 

I am very attracted to the shy, quiet, good boy nerd types.

 

 

 

 

My problem is simply finding men in general. I have had passion and chemistry and a connection with just one man so far, but he did not want me. Of course, considering the very small amount of men I've had any involvement in this seems normal. If I had a larger pool of experience I'd likely have more experiencess of that spark.

 

 

The small amount of guys that have pursued me were good guy types, and like I said originally, affection grew over time and I KNEW it would. There was never that initial spark mostly because it turned out we simply weren't compatible. It had nothing to do with not associating a good guy with sexiness.

 

 

Those good guys ended up not being right for me. The one guy I DID have amazing chemistry and connection with is also a "good guy" type.

 

 

I have zero experience with the bad boy type. Have no desire to. It's not for me.