Phoe Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 You're a cute girl in excellent shape with no ego/an approachable vibe who has male dominated interests and terribly low standards who doesn't get approached. Baffling, absolutely baffling. I don't really know what to tell you. It's baffling to the point where I don't even know if the stuff you say is true How do guys respond if/when you approach? I mostly think I'm just not quite attractive enough. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look so weird, almost alien. I'm not appalling but just not quite "attractive". I'm just odd. When I approach I typically get polite disinterest. They sometimes seem uncomfortable. Nothing crazy Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 You're a cute girl in excellent shape with no ego/an approachable vibe who has male dominated interests and terribly low standards who doesn't get approached. Baffling, absolutely baffling. I don't really know what to tell you. It's baffling to the point where I don't even know if the stuff you say is true How do guys respond if/when you approach? Personally I don't find it terribly baffling. I know others like me who just don't have guys interested. I have a very cute 25 year old female friend who's never had a boyfriend. She's kind of scarred by it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 Personally I don't find it terribly baffling. I know others like me who just don't have guys interested. I have a very cute 25 year old female friend who's never had a boyfriend. She's kind of scarred by it Men on this forum seem to live on an alternate planet where they think any woman has it so easy that she has que of men desperate to date her. It was never the case for me or my friends. The only thing that was easy was casual sex and it's not something most women want. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Dark_history Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Slightly. I'm not shy, but I'm a goober. I am a nerd, and a bit of a weirdo. I don't typically care what others think and am not embarrassed easily. I dance randomly in public, sing out loud, have random outburts and fits of giggles. I don't care if people think it's strange. Me and my friends have too much fun That last part there, if I saw a chick just starting to dance/sing in public for no reason, I would think she has a screw loose. Dont get me wrong, I applaud you for doing things that make you happy with friends and such, and like many posters have said, no are in no means unattractive. But seeing something like this (especially in southern cali) would make me go "okayyyy, lets walk this way...." You ever go to comic con Phoe? You would fit right in and meet a lot of guys, though a lot of them would be a bit socially akward, I think you would really enjoy it if you have not done it before. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark_history Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Men on this forum seem to live on an alternate planet where they think any woman has it so easy that she has que of men desperate to date her. It was never the case for me or my friends. The only thing that was easy was casual sex and it's not something most women want. I think the media has a lot to do with this, as women are usually protrayed as constantly being chased by desperate men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 I think the media has a lot to do with this, as women are usually protrayed as constantly being chased by desperate men. I agree. I dunno maybe it's the area I live in but I work with quite good looking 27 yo and she has never been asked on a date. She is pretty shy though. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark_history Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Area plays a huge factor for sure. I just found out recently that NYC is full of too many attractive women that are successiful. In that type of enviroment, men have the ability to be picky while women are competing with one another. Which may also lead to the whole settling part, if you are looking for prince charming but the only thing around you are a bunch of village people, what choice do you have? (This is not directed at anyone, just a general statement) it is kind of like supply and demand really:laugh: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I beleive in outliers but they are just that. I don't care how any woman wants to rationalize how being the pursued sex doesn't make it easier. I love the 'We can get casual sex easy but not R's excuse. Yes, women can get sex easy but they can get R's by weeding out the jerks. I've only once in my 32 years have come accross a woman who struggled with men. My sister has ZERO self esteem and she has been used a lot but still has had 2 LTR's and has a kid. Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I mostly think I'm just not quite attractive enough. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look so weird, almost alien. I'm not appalling but just not quite "attractive". I'm just odd. When I approach I typically get polite disinterest. They sometimes seem uncomfortable. Nothing crazy If you came to Australia you'd have guys approaching you left and right, guaranteed. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Ding ding ding we have a winner That's exactly what I meant and not many seem to get. They list traits, they say that everyone is settling. In fact, listing traits and comparing to me is settling. It's about having that instictive draw to a person even if they were homeless and had nothing going for them. On the other hand, if I were dating president of US; I would be settling if I wasn't in love with him. Ruby gets it and I think xxoo too I do get it, and I will never advocate settling. If you feel it in your heart, it's not settling. It's amazing. Even if he is the picture of average in every way, in your eyes he'll be amazing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 If you came to Australia you'd have guys approaching you left and right, guaranteed. Is that a good thing? Sounds like Piranha's attacking helpless meat Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Is that a good thing? Sounds like Piranha's attacking helpless meat Mightn't be so bad for someone who says they're never approached. To be honest, I don't really believe she isn't being approached at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 Mightn't be so bad for someone who says they're never approached. To be honest, I don't really believe she isn't being approached at all. We live in the same city. Do you think this is a bad place to be for women? I have read that male:female ratios are much in favor of men here. Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I don't consider OLD terrible. But I have minimal experience with it. I did it last year for the first time, went on dates with two guys, and had a year-long relationship with the second guy. We were talking about marriage, but he turned out not to be a real match for me. But he's a stand-up guy, attractive in many ways, and will make the right woman very happy someday. And yes, like me, he's quite the introvert and is even less the bar/club type than I've ever been. I might go back to OLD. But ideally, I'll get a little more socially active and meet new people that way. This is something I want to do anyway because I want to make some new friends and come out of my shell more, too. I have nothing against OLD. I know quite a few people who met that way and are very happy. Area plays a huge factor for sure. I just found out recently that NYC is full of too many attractive women that are successiful. In that type of enviroment, men have the ability to be picky while women are competing with one another. Which may also lead to the whole settling part, if you are looking for prince charming but the only thing around you are a bunch of village people, what choice do you have? (This is not directed at anyone, just a general statement) it is kind of like supply and demand really:laugh: How are we defining "successful"? Because I've heard people apply that term simply to people who have a degree and a job Link to post Share on other sites
Delilah1623 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I think a lot of people feel they settle because they expect a person to be perfect. You should never settle for someone that doesn't really accept you and loves even your faults and makes you happy. If you have this do you really care if he doesn't look like a movie star to most other people? He will be the most beautiful person to you. My last bf was good looking, had a good job, charming, center of attention guy... everyone thought I was sooo lucky. After he dumped me I realized I was more impressed by what everyone else thought of him than what I truly thought of him. It was exhausting to pretend to be the person he wanted me to be. At the time he made he feel like I wasn't good enough. Looking at it now I realize that it was the opposite and I would have never been truly happy with him. My current bf is a quieter, thoughtful, more a hang out in the background kind of person like me. I am sure many people would compare the two and think the first is the better catch based on first impressions, but only because they do not know their real character. Just because a person is not in your face, trying to prove to everyone how funny and charming they are doesn't mean they might not be the most amazing person on the planet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Personally I don't find it terribly baffling. I know others like me who just don't have guys interested. I have a very cute 25 year old female friend who's never had a boyfriend. She's kind of scarred by it Really? I looked at your pics and you are very attractive. You don't have guys interested? Come on.... Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Men on this forum seem to live on an alternate planet where they think any woman has it so easy that she has que of men desperate to date her. It was never the case for me or my friends. It probably comes from our being told "I have a bf/fiance" again and again during our formative dating years. I know my single life felt like the How I Met Your Mother episode where this woman always went about 10 minutes in-between boyfriends. It got to the point where it was shocking to find myself socializing with a woman who was truly single, let alone willing to go out with me. I know the scarcity mentality isn't healthy but that's just how things worked out. Plus, I think we guys are genetically programmed to be very pragmatic when it comes to dating and mating. Most of us find a lot of women to be at least cute. Sure, if we can attract nearly anyone we want, then we can afford to be picky about a lot of things. Otherwise, we'll do the best we can with whom we can do it with. Maybe there isn't the same infatuation-fueled adrenaline rush -- and to be honest, I get down about that at times -- but I've probably gained more by moving on with life. By and large, I think women are much more in tune with their level of emotional happiness/satisfaction and don't carry this level of pragmatism in their approach to dating/relationships -- unless, of course, there is some intentional manipulation going on. Therefore, it's probably more important to feel like you haven't settled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 No. Well, I think it's like that for you, but it's not the norm. When you are sure you have that connection and things "fit," you are simply not thinking that maybe there is something that COULD be "better." I'm pretty sure you've never been in love or close to it, because when you are, you're not making comparisons or quantifying things. And I'm not talking about fairytale infatuations, either. The norm? The "norm" is flawed. The "norm" is a country with a marriage success rate under 50%. The "norm" are folks that don't know their ass from their elbow as far as love and relationships are concerned. I include myself in the "clueless" category. Hope you don't mind the company. People who are "in love" and who have great connections have doubts and wonder if the "grass is greener". They shouldn't have them all the time, but they happen. Having "cold feet", for example, is not necessarily due to not being "in love"...yet that would be a logical conclusion based on your presumptions. The fact that we shun these doubts, that folks jump on them and proclaim "if you have doubts, then you're not REALLY *in love*!" ends solid and loving relationships. People are guarded, doubtful and imaginative by nature. Are you really suggesting that folks won't wonder "what's out there" just because they feel a certain way? You're making profound assumptions on the emotional experiences of other posters, and you are talking about fairytales if you're proclaiming that the right "fit" means that the human mind simply stops having "what if" thoughts. Claiming that you think someone's never been in love because they don't meet your personal expectations and beliefs on the matter? Simply not the case. Also, pursuing just that "in love" feeling and flexing in other categories is exactly how many end up settling. It's a different kind of settling, one that seems emotionally gratifying at first, but if you flex too many of those other needs/wants, if you compromise or ignore incompatibilities small or large to "follow your heart"...those hunky-dory feelings will eventually erode. I strongly suspect that many couples in the US have this "fit" when they agree to pursue marriage, and yet more than half of them decide to renege on that commitment. Where they also not "really in love"? Did they all settle? Or where their expectations too high? Did they leave at the first sign of doubt because, in when "things fit", you shouldn't have doubts or wonder if things could be better? Or, did they compromise their other criteria to follow just their heart over their head...and then have their heart fail them in the end? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I don't think I'm all that intimidating. I'm extremely friendly! and a massive dork. I'm as intimidating as a kitten. We love you, Phoe, but my post very clearly said (and in bold letters too) "entirely self-perceived" (as in, a guy's mind looking once, then looking twice, and then (that guy's mind) reasoning that you are waaaaaaaaaay out of his league) Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Slightly. I'm not shy, but I'm a goober. I am a nerd, and a bit of a weirdo. I don't typically care what others think and am not embarrassed easily. I dance randomly in public, sing out loud, have random outburts and fits of giggles. I don't care if people think it's strange. Me and my friends have too much fun I don't know how to say this without the sexual connotation that automatically arrives with it: But that would be SO HOT! ... (and I don't mean that for any reasons other than your willingness to be yourSELF ) Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 As I keep reading through this thread, it dawns on me that something considerably different between men and women is that men love to study details and data, and women are less inclined to do that, instead leaning toward things like art and design and colors. Sooooooooooo OLD has many/most women confronting scores and scores of candidates, the only way to get through them being to scrutinize details and compare, as a way to winnow 75 candidates down to seven, who they might then actually message. The truth is, women would rather be somewhere and having fate know a bigger hand in the process than those women themselves have, as in the OLD world. Were OLD the other way around, where men had inboxes filled with interested/willing prospects, then the men would delight in studying and comparing all of the details, and narrowing 75 down to seven. It's just upside down from what would be most efficient/productive. Another guy's message in the inbox is little different to a woman than a construction worker making cat-calls on the street. That no matter that some guys really did focus on details and crafted a unique and personal response to her ad. That's just how it is... OLD is fine for some... particularly those who simply will not shove themselves out into the social world... but it's completely pointless for those who would just as easily approach or be approached at a bar. If after reading two lines of profile text, it is your impulse that you, and she, should be racing out to meet one another at the nearest coffee shop... then you should BE at that coffee shop right now - and not wasting the time of those who are in the OLD setting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jba10582 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 thread of the month. Link to post Share on other sites
djcos25 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Been meaning to post in here, didn't realize this thread got this long lol. I believe I had a similar situation with my ex. I met her off Okcupid. I met her last November. I'm 27, she's 25. She messaged me first, and I told myself 'stop being too picky'. At the time I was 26 and sadly, still a virgin. I ended up dating her, losing my virginity to her. Was I happy with her? Yes - to an extent. I was never truly happy with her. Sure I enjoyed her company and all that, but I didn't think I was happy the way I was supposed to be. The problems were she had some issues (bi-polar, crohns disease, had a car but never came to see me, among other things). After the "honeymoon" phase ended I started realizing all these things. I would sit back and ask myself "Do I see a future with this girl?" I easily said no. Like my Dad said, "her problems can't be your problems." Plus I realized too, I was 26 and still a virgin. Now that I didn't have that cloud over my head, and the "honeymoon" phase ended, I was able to see things more clearly. I realized there were better options out there, and that's not taking anything away from my ex. She's a real good person, I consider her a good friend. I still talk to her from time to time. I just wasn't truly happy, and it was unfair to her. Happy? Yes. Truly happy? No. Bottom line, don't settle. If you're not happy in the beginning you won't be happy down the line. That's how I see it at least. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sun1972 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I guess it depends what you really mean by settling If it means staying while unhappy.. then yes its a silly thing to do The attraction side though i disagree with, yes there needs to be a spark and initial attraction, but that grows if everything else is good with my recent ex, we had talked a lot beforehand, when i met her for the first time in all honesty i thought she was pretty and was attracted...but didnt think 'phwoooar' I did however have an amazingly enjoyable date, and we melded so well within a few months, i viewed her as the most beautiful woman i knew BTW to those suggesting looks and personality are somehow mutually exclusive traits..thats really silly Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Good to know. I'm sorry to hear about the recent break up, but I do think that your previous relationship is a great reason why OLD is worth trying a bit more. Sure, it can be tough sorting through the junk, but it sounds like you had a compatible mate in that area. If you want to be more social, more power to you. I hope it works out. Thank you. Your post made me smile and gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling In some important ways, my ex was the best match for me yet. He's very strong, and I really admire that he doesn't seem to need anyone to be productive, hard-working, and highly focused on his goals. He has this unflinching inner drive that I respect. OLD would be very easy to fall back on. But I feel like it's time and I'm ready to challenge myself in new ways. I want to learn to be more social and outgoing, I want to get more comfortable "in the spotlight", and I want to make some new friends and business contacts, get some new influences and energy in my life. I think this will be good for me on many levels. But OLD isn't going anywhere. I can always fall back on that, or supplement what I'm doing otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
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