How do people settle?

[joystickd]

Men on this forum seem to live on an alternate planet where they think any woman has it so easy that she has que of men desperate to date her. It was never the case for me or my friends. The only thing that was easy was casual sex and it's not something most women want.

Spoken by someone that has never been the initiator. When you think about it the honest truth is in some ways women have it easier. You have the luxury of not approaching. You don't have the problem of having deal with the "nice guy" thing. I have a different take on that one but that is a whole other thread. All you have to do is wait and have men approach you and decide whether you want them or not or even as some do "let's be friends". I will say not being approached is a hell of a lot better than having to deal with rejections especially when they are very embarrassing

[lino]

We live in the same city. Do you think this is a bad place to be for women?

 

I have read that male:female ratios are much in favor of men here.

 

I think any major city is a good place for women to meet men.

 

Don't know the stats and ratios about Melbourne but I see it being even when ever I head to the Melbourne cbd.

 

I've lived in Geelong for the last 5 years now anyway but when I was in Melbourne I didn't find either gender had it better in terms of numbers.

 

Sydney is the same deal too IMO.

 

For guys who are struggling in Australia and foreigners looking to pick up, surfers paradise is easily the best place to go.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Why would any sensible person want to "settle?" Settling implies the person is of inferior quality. Sometimes compromise is necessary as long as the major things you desire/need in a partner are met.

 

Some people do go through mates likes underwear and reach a certain age (both male and female) where they enter into panic mode and grab anything that comes in their direction. I suppose it can workout but whether or not true happiness can be found is another question.

 

I don't plan on settling. My expectations are reasonable and I've dated enough and know myself enough to know what I have to offer and what I need to be offered. It narrows down a lot of people but to me that makes the selection process easier. I'd rather take my time and end up with the right kind of person than to rush something for the sake of it.

[Never Again]

I don't think you have understood what I'm talking about. Also, I was responding specifically to a poster whose history in this area is well known to me.

 

Welp, then I made a grand ol' assumption myself didn't I?

 

Annnnd we all know what can be said about assumptions.

 

However, I will throw out there that, from my perspective (as flawed as that may be) people tend to use "in love" and "chemistry" interchangeably.

 

I believe that chemistry is important, but I tend to feel that it too ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I tend to associate chemistry with that "feeling"...and when it does fade out, many tend to walk away without an attempt to maintain or rebuild what effectively amounts to attraction.

 

I guess this is why I, and this is entirely a personally assessment, tend to put heavier emphasis on compatibility. I need initial chemistry, but if it vanishes for awhile, I just put in some energy to reconstruct. However, I may be a bit off kilter.

[Leigh 87]

It's common sense

 

 

How often do you see posts on this site from girls who talk about how the one guy they like is not interested in them while all the other guys (let's say the 50 other guys they meet on a day to day basis/in OLD) are not attractive to them?

 

 

If you just be honest about it and say "I can't find the guy who is exactly what I like and I don't feel attraction to the dozens of men who are after me", that would be very reasonable to me. Women naturally have much much much higher standards and I've never said they should stop having those standards

 

 

I just don't like the dishonesty. It's especially frustrating to read from the male perspective cause so many perfectly normal guys struggle to get a date while any non hideous girl can post a profile on any dating site and get bombarded with messages. To sit there and say you don't have any options is ludicrous

 

 

 

 

 

Meant to say 99.9% percent of men here BTW

 

 

 

 

 

My good friend is a model. She doesn't aim for the best loooking guys. Her past and curent bf were very average looking, albeit with nice smiles/teeth.

 

I do not go for super hot guys and I am realistic for what I have to offer. I have found plenty of guys I have the hots for second half of this year.

 

 

 

Not all that many women have too high standards. Just the ones you have come accross, obviously.

 

Really. A lot of women are like me. We just was an average looking dude with a great personality.

 

Phoe is the same... She aint looing for some Greek God of a man... Although I am sure she would have a good look if one were to walk past her:lmao:

 

And, I may add, some hot guys DO fancy me and think I am attractive. I still don't only go AFTER these "hotties".

 

By going afte a certain type of guy, the ones that society deems as hot and successful? You are severely limiting your dating prospects, and a lot of women like me KNOW this, and we just want a nice and decent guy who is nrmal looking.

 

I am not attracted sexually to the few guys who are interested in me atm, but it is not because I am fussy. I simply want a guy who I have chemistry with and romantic feelings towards.

 

Fortunately, I have chemistry with about half the guys who want to date me, so I never go that long without dating.

 

 

You have a skewed perception as to what most women are like! Plenty of women are like me, and they simply want a guy of average looks but who they "feel it" with.

Edited November 14, 2013 by Leigh 87

[Lokie]

Interesting discussion, though I only read pages 1-5, then the last page.

 

My personal opinion is that attraction and relationship duration have MUCH more to do with our own internal landscape, than with the physical characteristics of a prospective mate.

 

I am not saying this from my "high horse," but from my own experience. I used to be attracted to sexy, charming, emotionally unavailable men. The relationships were filled with drama and amazing sex - I thought that was really loving! Then I had to take a long look inside myself to see why I kept "settling" for these men who would hurt me and leave me. I didn't like myself. I had Daddy issues, etc. etc.

 

I like a hot, sexy relationship with sparks flying hither and yon just as much as the next girl, but today, I prefer to avoid emotional pain.

 

The men I like today I would not have given a second glance at when I was younger. The difference? Today, I like myself.

[lino]

It's common sense

 

 

How often do you see posts on this site from girls who talk about how the one guy they like is not interested in them while all the other guys (let's say the 50 other guys they meet on a day to day basis/in OLD) are not attractive to them?

 

 

If you just be honest about it and say "I can't find the guy who is exactly what I like and I don't feel attraction to the dozens of men who are after me", that would be very reasonable to me. Women naturally have much much much higher standards and I've never said they should stop having those standards

 

 

I just don't like the dishonesty. It's especially frustrating to read from the male perspective cause so many perfectly normal guys struggle to get a date while any non hideous girl can post a profile on any dating site and get bombarded with messages. To sit there and say you don't have any options is ludicrous

 

 

 

 

 

Meant to say 99.9% percent of men here BTW

 

Mate, what does it matter whether they admit it or not?

 

Everyone knows how things are, they've been that way since the dawn of time and if they ever change it'll be very, very long after we're dead.

 

You arguing it on a forum won't change a thing.

[lino]

Get use to it mate, nearly every woman you meet will be dishonest to you in one way or another

[SJC2008]

ES I've asked you on more than one occasion if you were looking for just an R or M&C and you never answered. If you just want an R you don't have to be as picky (for lack of a better word).

Edited November 14, 2013 by SJC2008

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES I've asked you on more than one occasion if you were looking for just an R or M&C and you never answered. If you just want an R you don't have to be as picky (for lack of a better word).

 

I am not looking for marriage and children. I don't believe in marriage. I am looking for a genuine connection and an exclusive relationship. I can't do FWB, casual sex, casual dating and the like anymore. It feels empty.

[SJC2008]

I am not looking for marriage and children. I don't believe in marriage. I am looking for a genuine connection and an exclusive relationship. I can't do FWB, casual sex, casual dating and the like anymore. It feels empty.

 

Ok, thanks. Well think about what I said about must haves and nice to haves. I must have nice girl, with a good moral compass whom I at least a little attracted to physically. There has to be some attraction. It would be nice to have the aforementioned plus a funny personality and a great body! Realistic is not settling.

 

As much as I hated OLD. I'm glad in a way that it lowered my standards. I don't know if you remember the pic I posted of the girl I dated but she is pretty chunky but still had good proportions. I can guarentee you that a couple of years ago I would't of given her the time of day! I was very attracted to her but she turned out to be a controlling drama queen.

[Eternal Sunshine]

<Response to deleted line of discussion about bitter posters redacted>

 

When it comes to outliers, it's probably my personality. I very rarely meet guys I have anything in common with.

 

Another thing is, I have enough experience by now that if a guy is waffling, stringing me along or not treating me right in any way I am out. There are many relationships that I could have had if I accepted less than desirable treatment. I will never lower my bar on that though.

Edited November 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Phoe]

I think the people who have suitors lining up and throwing themselves at a person, who jump from R to R, are the ones who are outliers.

 

I have rarely known people like this. Most people I know live in a normal world where they might date a handful of people in their life and then find one to stick with, with a decent amount of singledom and nonaction thrown in the mix.

 

 

I'm just slightly behind, but I am still on that same path, realistically.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think the people who have suitors lining up and throwing themselves at a person, who jump from R to R, are the ones who are outliers.

 

I have rarely known people like this. Most people I know live in a normal world where they might date a handful of people in their life and then find one to stick with, with a decent amount of singledom and nonaction thrown in the mix.

 

 

I'm just slightly behind, but I am still on that same path, realistically.

 

 

This is true. Very few women have suitors lining up the door. I have seen it only when a woman is EXTREMELY good looking (model material) or has a strong charisma about her that you can't define. Otherwise, I have seen pretty girls struggle, settle, get dumped and the like.

[Eternal Sunshine]

<Response to deleted line of discussion about bitter posters redacted>

 

I am a woman. I have many women friends. I know even more women. Those that cruise from a relationship to relationship with guys they really like are exceedingly rare.

Edited November 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[antonio1149]

I am a woman. I have many women friends. I know even more women. Those that cruise from a relationship to relationship with guys they really like are exceedingly rare.

 

If a woman isn't dating constantly, it's because she doesn't really want to. The opportunity is there.

 

I have several female friends who started doing OLD and had an endless stream of suitors. They could literally go on a date with a new guy seven nights a week if they wanted to--and sometimes they did. They were constantly "in a relationship" of some type, even if it was in the very early stages. Sometimes they'd be "in a relationship" with several guys simultaneously. They would stay in that situation and keep meeting new guys until they found someone slightly more promising. Naturally, most of these were not meant to be long-lasting due to insufficient compatibility, but the fact remains that yes, these women were like frogs jumping from lily pad to lily pad. Having done OLD myself, I doubt if the guys had similarly busy calendars.

 

Finally, after months or even years of this, they found a guy they truly clicked with who felt the same way, and they ended up married.

 

I agree with the comments that finding that special someone is challenging, but I think the point many of the guys here is trying to make is that women have more options and if they choose not to pursue them, it's because they're some combination of unambitious, impatient, fearful or unrealistically picky.

[Titania22]

If a woman isn't dating constantly, it's because she doesn't really want to. The opportunity is there.

 

I have several female friends who started doing OLD and had an endless stream of suitors. They could literally go on a date with a new guy seven nights a week if they wanted to--and sometimes they did. They were constantly "in a relationship" of some type, even if it was in the very early stages. Sometimes they'd be "in a relationship" with several guys simultaneously. They would stay in that situation and keep meeting new guys until they found someone slightly more promising. Naturally, most of these were not meant to be long-lasting due to insufficient compatibility, but the fact remains that yes, these women were like frogs jumping from lily pad to lily pad. Having done OLD myself, I doubt if the guys had similarly busy calendars.

 

Finally, after months or even years of this, they found a guy they truly clicked with who felt the same way, and they ended up married.

 

I agree with the comments that finding that special someone is challenging, but I think the point many of the guys here is trying to make is that women have more options and if they choose not to pursue them, it's because they're some combination of unambitious, impatient, fearful or unrealistically picky.

 

Are you talking about in America, because ES is in Australia. Things are a bit different here, and we have a much smaller population.

 

I scanned okcupid for LA once, and you're right the lists of guys go on forever. Another example is, I never get cold approached in the street by men here, but I went to LA for a week and was cold approach 4 times, 3 of the time happened within 1-2hrs. All 4 times happened in broad daylight in the street.

 

Men here are different, and you can't make broad statements about what a woman in America can expect and expect it works in Australia.

 

Also in all major cities here, the number of single women is much larger than the number of single men. So even if everyone paired up there would be lots of women left over without a partner.

Edited November 14, 2013 by Titania22
addition

[HomanWater]

Men settle because they haven't got anyone at all for very long time and jump on first woman that shows any interest in them.

 

Women settle because they have unrealistic expectations of handsome, powerful rich Prince Charming which do not come truel, so they have to accept whoever comes alone so that they are not lonely.

 

/thread

[Sanman]

Slightly.

 

 

I'm not shy, but I'm a goober. I am a nerd, and a bit of a weirdo. I don't typically care what others think and am not embarrassed easily.

 

 

I dance randomly in public, sing out loud, have random outburts and fits of giggles. I don't care if people think it's strange. Me and my friends have too much fun

 

Judging from your pics, I could tell you're a bit of a dork. Frankly, it is a bit of a turn on. Though, I embrace my inner dork proudly and my gf is a bit dorky as well. Truth be told I think your problems stem from the fact that you do live on another planet. The name of that planet is So. Cal. I ended up having to look outside of NYC to find someone more compatible with me and less caught up in the NYC lifestyle. Personally, I'm pretty sure you would be scooped quite quickly most places in the country. Good luck to you.

[Phoe]

Judging from your pics, I could tell you're a bit of a dork. Frankly, it is a bit of a turn on. Though, I embrace my inner dork proudly and my gf is a bit dorky as well. Truth be told I think your problems stem from the fact that you do live on another planet. The name of that planet is So. Cal. I ended up having to look outside of NYC to find someone more compatible with me and less caught up in the NYC lifestyle. Personally, I'm pretty sure you would be scooped quite quickly most places in the country. Good luck to you.

 

"Judging from your pics, I could tell you're a bit of a dork"

 

 

LOL only I would smile from getting a comment like that.

 

 

Me and my 2 of my friends were having a conversation yesterday. I was making a weird face at one of them across the room (we do this. make weird faces from across the room until one of us laughs) and another friend noticed and pretty much said "Phoe what in the world are you doing??" and I laughed at him and said "I'm amazed you still question the weird things I do, you know I'm weird" and he said "well you're weird maybe 20% of the time and normal about 80% of the time, so the 20% of the time still catches me off guard."

 

 

My best friend busted up and said "No.. Phoe is weird about 75% of the time, and that's just a conservative estimate."

 

 

They love me for it though. Haha. They're just as weird and geeky and dorky as I am. We laugh until our stomachs hurt and tears are streaming down our cheeks.

[lino]

Are you talking about in America, because ES is in Australia. Things are a bit different here, and we have a much smaller population.

 

I scanned okcupid for LA once, and you're right the lists of guys go on forever. Another example is, I never get cold approached in the street by men here, but I went to LA for a week and was cold approach 4 times, 3 of the time happened within 1-2hrs. All 4 times happened in broad daylight in the street.

 

Men here are different, and you can't make broad statements about what a woman in America can expect and expect it works in Australia.

 

Also in all major cities here, the number of single women is much larger than the number of single men. So even if everyone paired up there would be lots of women left over without a partner.

 

Who has said single men out number single women in big aussie cities?

 

Don't know the score with online dating here as I've never done it but I never see any shortage of blokes in Sydney and*Melbourne.

[antonio1149]

Are you talking about in America, because ES is in Australia. Things are a bit different here, and we have a much smaller population.

 

I scanned okcupid for LA once, and you're right the lists of guys go on forever. Another example is, I never get cold approached in the street by men here, but I went to LA for a week and was cold approach 4 times, 3 of the time happened within 1-2hrs. All 4 times happened in broad daylight in the street.

 

Men here are different, and you can't make broad statements about what a woman in America can expect and expect it works in Australia.

 

Also in all major cities here, the number of single women is much larger than the number of single men. So even if everyone paired up there would be lots of women left over without a partner.

 

So I think what you're saying (to summarize) is:

 

1) The US may be different from other places, like Australia.

2) OLD is, indeed, teeming with men in Los Angeles.

3) Men in Australia don't do "cold approaches" to women in the street.

4. There are more women in large cities in Australia than men.

 

I think, though, you still missed my point, which is that when women do something even slightly pro-active, like posting a profile on OLD, or smiling and making more eye contact, or making themselves more approachable via Meetup.com and singles events, their opportunities increase exponentially.

 

Do you have OLD in Australia? Have you tried it?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Who has said single men out number single women in big aussie cities?

 

Don't know the score with online dating here as I've never done it but I never see any shortage of blokes in Sydney and*Melbourne.

 

Look up the statistics. There is a shortage in both of those cities.

 

When I traveled, I was approached everywhere. The problem is I am not into flings or having a LDR. Guys in some US cities are quite aggressive.

[Leigh 87]

Eternal Sunshine,

 

I get the feeling you have a certain personality where it is hard to really connect with men. ....Much less connect with a guy who happens to be very intelligent, you have hot chemistry with and the like....

 

Where as I seem to click romantically with a huge varity of guys. Even intelligent guys:D

I think it comes down to your personality and how many guys you click with. It is something your good looks and intelligence cannot compensate for... it seems like downright luck, to be honest; how many men you can easily click with (or not).

 

........................................

 

I also think it comes down to your attitude. I am very positive and I walk around any city I happen to travel to, thinking I am damn well good enough to eventually attract the right guy for me.

 

I never think " well, I am only a 5or 6/10 and therefore a guy will simply settle for me cos he can't get any better?

 

What a soul destroying way to live..... we are all very special to the right person. I have seen men and women adore the sh*t out of their partner who are what society would consider to be plain or worse..

I have seen these "plain" cupples have very HOT chemistry, and in each others eyes, they were a 10.

................................................

 

Another factor is time.

 

It is very apparant that it takes TIME for the vast majority of us to find a person who is head over heals for us AND who we have hot enogh chemistry with to acually be excited about dating.

 

TIME Is the reason people settle, and, in a way, I do not blame them; it can take several years for some people to find someone they are truly into, and have the chemistry and the whole package....

 

I totally do not blame people for being practical; I cannot find that "one" that gets me, that gives me butterflies and that I am crazy about, but I want a family and would rather grow to love a person without the excitment or romance.

...................................................

 

I choose not to settle for a person I do not have romanic chemistry with and who I am not excited about.

 

Lucky for me I don't want kids:D

 

I have had wonderful guys really crazy about me lately, which is so flattering and they are so lovely, only I want the hot chemistry I had with some of my exes.

The guys who would treat me like a princess lately who have wanted to date me and who have a real thing for me, do not get my heart racing.

 

I need to get excited about guys I date.

 

I do not WANT to be tied down in relationship, and it takes that hot chemistry and with the right guy, to make me WANT to stop my search and settle down with the one partner for years.

 

Because I am realistic and don't expect the hottest and most venerated male types to flock to me, I am pretty sure I will find a guy who thinks I am a knockout in his eyes, and who I have the hot chemistry with AND who is a nice guy.

................................................

 

 

I don't believe I have the settling dilema due to the fact I don't want kids or a family. I can afford to not settle.

 

Those are my views on settling. Some people have to settle, others like me don't, since we don't want a family.

[Leigh 87]

Look up the statistics. There is a shortage in both of those cities.

 

When I traveled, I was approached everywhere. The problem is I am not into flings or having a LDR. Guys in some US cities are quite aggressive.

 

 

 

Where did u get approached the most?

 

Just curious.

 

Do you think you would have more lucky if you moved? I am not even joking. Perhaps move to a city where there are a higher incidence of male to female ratio, and white collar jobs are rampant?

 

If I were you, and in another couple of years you have no prospects that suit your needs, I would seriously consider moving.

 

You are too pretty and cool/unique to just ...... stay alone and become a crazy cat lady:lmao: