How do people settle?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Where did u get approached the most?

 

Just curious.

 

Do you think you would have more lucky if you moved? I am not even joking. Perhaps move to a city where there are a higher incidence of male to female ratio, and white collar jobs are rampant?

 

If I were you, and in another couple of years you have no prospects that suit your needs, I would seriously consider moving.

 

You are too pretty and cool/unique to just ...... stay alone and become a crazy cat lady:lmao:

 

I definitely considered moving. In Europe, I met a new guy every day just by walking down the street. In Asia recently I met quite a few US businessmen. Yet in my city - NOTHING. Even browsing OKC profiles, there is almost no one that's even half educated, half cute and not looking for casual sex.

 

The only thing that holds me back from moving is my parents. They are in pretty poor health and they need me. When it comes down to it, they are my priority over meeting men.

 

BTW you are a very sweet person Leigh

[RedRobin]

This post probably closest describes my dilemma. Men I am drawn to are not good men. They are commitment phobic, emotionally unavailable, unreliable and in most cases unfaithful. They end up treating me badly and even if they were to marry me, I know that I would have a miserable life. I have followed my passions my whole life and ended up in this place that I don't want to be in.

 

I wonder what would happen if I flipped the script and dated a man that I don't feel passionate or excited about but has character traits that would make him a good long term partner. Our sex life will probably never be great but obviously I can't have it all. I never went beyond about 5 dates with those types but I think maybe it's time I did.

 

Sure I want a fairytale where I find it all in one person, but chances are it's not going to happen. I really have 2 choices here: stay alone or settle. I wish I had the third but it's not available to me and I need to be realistic.

 

 

This was my dilemma a bit after my divorce. I spent two years voluntarily celibate afterwards to help separate my psyche from that dynamic. In that period, I learned how to develop legitimate friendships with men and disregard or even find suspect those instant 'spark' feelings and thoughts.

 

In return, I've come to appreciate much more the process of getting to know someone. I've never required a guy have lots of money or be exceedingly handsome. Just someone who is honest, who treats me well, and shares enough interests that we maintain a bond.

 

Even with those modest expectations, it has been extremely difficult for me to find an honest, caring, responsible man for a relationship. I'm afraid you'll find that even if you give up your hope or dream of being passionately attracted to someone and have modest goals otherwise, it will still be a challenge.

 

Mostly because, as one gets older, a lot of men get a whole lot better at deception and manipulation. You are a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman. They will absolutely be drawn to you and will try their hand. It's why I've learned to selectively downplay considerably my own looks, achievements, and anything else the more ambitious climbers and users tend to seek out... Sadly, these are the men who make up the majority of available men after a certain age.

 

In other words, even when 'settling', you'll still need to engage yourself 100% in the process of active listening and exercise incredible restraint and patience to figure out how to separate out the poseurs.

[Leigh 87]

I definitely considered moving. In Europe, I met a new guy every day just by walking down the street. In Asia recently I met quite a few US businessmen. Yet in my city - NOTHING. Even browsing OKC profiles, there is almost no one that's even half educated, half cute and not looking for casual sex.

 

The only thing that holds me back from moving is my parents. They are in pretty poor health and they need me. When it comes down to it, they are my priority over meeting men.

 

BTW you are a very sweet person Leigh

 

 

 

Sorry to hear about your parents:( My dad is in ill health too. Sort of wanted Andrew to have been the one so I could have married and made him happy:lmao:

 

 

You are a VERY unique person, I think it simply takes certain people longer to find a mate. That is all.

 

Please keep positive and keep looking:lmao:

 

Andrew, my ex, is dating a model who is ten years younger, has a genius IQ and who cares for the disabled. WTF? He is a normal looking guy who cannot spell or practice propper grammar? SEE! He met her on E harmony.

 

He is tall, has straight teeth but does not use cleanser or moisterizer or take care of himself at all. He is not educated but he is naturally sharp in some areas.

 

OMG and he STILL says " I don't want to settle down yet, I want to travel the world single"

 

... And he has a lovely model ten years younger..... Who I presume he has chemistry with?

 

I found MYself telling him " man, you won't get a hotter girl than her, and I know looks are really important to you. Don't you think you could just take her travelling with you?

 

She apparently has nevr touched alcohol. So she can't party with him.

 

 

Some guys never settle:lmao:

[Leigh 87]

I definitely considered moving. In Europe, I met a new guy every day just by walking down the street. In Asia recently I met quite a few US businessmen. Yet in my city - NOTHING. Even browsing OKC profiles, there is almost no one that's even half educated, half cute and not looking for casual sex.

 

The only thing that holds me back from moving is my parents. They are in pretty poor health and they need me. When it comes down to it, they are my priority over meeting men.

 

BTW you are a very sweet person Leigh

 

 

 

You would scare men in Asia with your boobs.

 

I am there ATM and DD boobs to them really stand out:lmao:

 

I didn't notice more men than here take a fancy to me. I went through Scandinavia, Russia, Poland and Germany, among other places, and the guys were no more... interested than they were here?

 

I didn't go out to bars or clubs though. I just walked around the cities solo.

 

Have you tried multiple dating sites?

 

I truly believe you will just come across the right man, in your field or in an area where you are just being yourself...

 

It prob won' be online you meet the right guy.

 

 

 

 

You mention settling, but I do find it odd that you do not even have some guys who are really wanting to date you?

 

You know, the guys who want you but you don't want.

 

Location, your personality and how it clicks, and your high level of inelligence is what I think it is.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Leigh 87

[MarcoB]

Deleted Post ; )

Edited November 15, 2013 by MarcoB
Delete

[Titania22]

So I think what you're saying (to summarize) is:

 

1) The US may be different from other places, like Australia.

2) OLD is, indeed, teeming with men in Los Angeles.

3) Men in Australia don't do "cold approaches" to women in the street.

4. There are more women in large cities in Australia than men.

 

I think, though, you still missed my point, which is that when women do something even slightly pro-active, like posting a profile on OLD, or smiling and making more eye contact, or making themselves more approachable via Meetup.com and singles events, their opportunities increase exponentially.

 

Do you have OLD in Australia? Have you tried it?

 

Your summary of my point was perfect.

 

 

Yes I have tried OLD, nothing good ever came from it. I have been proactive in the past, going to meet up groups, smiling, making on contact and even cold approaching guys myself. I got nowhere. I do know that america has alot of men I would be compatible with, australia doesn't. Okcupid went so far as to say that australia and the UK were crap for me, but places like israel and sweden would be great.

[Titania22]

I definitely considered moving. In Europe, I met a new guy every day just by walking down the street. In Asia recently I met quite a few US businessmen. Yet in my city - NOTHING. Even browsing OKC profiles, there is almost no one that's even half educated, half cute and not looking for casual sex.

 

The only thing that holds me back from moving is my parents. They are in pretty poor health and they need me. When it comes down to it, they are my priority over meeting men.

 

BTW you are a very sweet person Leigh

 

Hey ES, another woman who completely gets the challenge here.

 

I have to wait another 3yrs until my kids graduate, and then my daughter says if they work overseas I can come too. I am really hopeful that we get to move somewhere with lots of men, surely then there will be 1 for me.

 

Of course I will be even older by then. Damn!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Leigh, there are men that are interested in me but I am don't feel that spark with them. Not many mind you but a few.

 

I am kind of seeing one of them but I am really struggling with the lack of spark

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hey ES, another woman who completely gets the challenge here.

 

I have to wait another 3yrs until my kids graduate, and then my daughter says if they work overseas I can come too. I am really hopeful that we get to move somewhere with lots of men, surely then there will be 1 for me.

 

Of course I will be even older by then. Damn!

 

 

I guess it's just not meant to be for us? I dunno, I have accepted it at this point. I would still like to meet someone I am crazy about but it's unlikely to happen.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, there are men that are interested in me but I am don't feel that spark with them. Not many mind you but a few.

 

I am kind of seeing one of them but I am really struggling with the lack of spark

 

 

 

Yeah I was doing the same... Few interested, one of them fell head over heals for me and I TRIED to see him. He makes good money and really looked after me AND, of course, if is such a decent person...

Liked him more tha my other boyfriends, personality wise... Great match.

 

He had everything I want in a guy, BESIDES that I just didn't get excited or feel that spark?

 

I was like damn. Guy with a good job who would look after me and treat me like a queen and is genuinely crazy about me...

 

WHY ?!?!

 

Hey, I am glad we are the way we are; leaves more people available to settle without the spark so THEY can find love, while we are out waiting for our butterflies.

 

My good friend has never gone through dating woes; met first guy at age 17 mad spark and chemistry. Met new guy when that relationship heaped south, who she had CRAZY chemistry and spark with. He is nuts about her, as she is with him.

She is also very good looking but whatever! She simply has more options to choose from I guess.

 

My friend is definately not normal in that sense. Most lovely women, like us, have a few men interested and TRY to give things a go...

 

 

....To no avail:lmao:

 

 

Hey, good thing we try... I TRIED to see if I could see past the lack of chemistry and passion.

I hung out with him for weeks, days at a time, and I really fancied him more than my other boyfriends; I Just felt no spark:lmao:

 

 

I TRIED to settle without chemistry, butterflies and the urge to want to iss him non stop like I did with the other guys.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Leigh 87

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is a decent guy. Good job, educated, reliable. He looked after his sick mum who died recently - I thought that was sweet how caring he was.

 

But spark? Nah :/

 

I am still willing to try for a few more dates...

[Leigh 87]

I hung out with my guy for a couple of weeks. He lives in Sydney and I am over an hour away from Syd, so I basically came and stayed there for days at a time just spending a lot of time together.

 

I always liked ALL my time with him.

 

I even told him that he was perfect in every way, but I prefer to have butterfies like I have had with other guys WHO WERE NO better than him in ANY way.

 

I wanted to be honest with him. He wanted to know what I was thinking; what I wanted with him, and why I wouldn't try with him and give him half a chance.

 

He accepted it, albeit he was pretty devastated that I did not want to be his gf.

 

He urged me to hang out more and, if it happens it happens, if not FWB is just fine.

 

 

 

..... Sparks that are not there from the get go, never seem to appear.

 

It is a choice: How many women are willing to bi pass the getting all excited phase?

 

Who is willing to date someone who they do not feel hot and heavy for, but will have to "learn" to enjoy sex with them?

 

 

 

Chemistry, the spark, the butterflies and the excitement; my heart racing when they text.

 

I need all of that, otherwise, it feels lterally the same as dating a friend.

 

A lot of male friends I Have had, I could grow to love over time. I would never get to the stage where I want to rip their clothes off though.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Leigh 87

[iris219]

How many women are willing to bi pass the getting all excited phase?

 

Who is willing to date someone who they do not feel hot and heavy for, but will have to "learn" to enjoy sex with them?

 

Because it's hard to find decent, relationship minded men, many women attempt this, with disastrous results.

 

My best friend from grad school did this. She left her husband of 5 years a month ago.

[GoodOnPaper]

This is a decent guy. Good job, educated, reliable. He looked after his sick mum who died recently - I thought that was sweet how caring he was.

 

But spark? Nah :/

 

I am still willing to try for a few more dates...

 

You've built him up so much as a no-spark guy, I don't know if more dates would do any good. You're in a very biased state of mind. Would it be better to take a break from him -- a few weeks or months -- then try again if he's still available?

[RedRobin]

It is a choice: How many women are willing to bi pass the getting all excited phase?

 

Who is willing to date someone who they do not feel hot and heavy for, but will have to "learn" to enjoy sex with them?

 

I would. In fact, I prefer that. The 'getting all excited' phase I associate with drama... and men not well suited to relationships for any length of time past, oh, a year max... is about their shelf-life.

 

Even in relationships one is 'hot and heavy' for, adjustments need to be made... some of them quite substantial in order to make it work over the long term.

 

So, I'll take someone who is a good, decent, caring, faithful person that I'm reasonably attracted to over the 'hot and heavy' any day. Yep.

[man_in_the_box]

I haven't felt sparks, fires, chemistry or whatever it's dubbed with anyone for almost 10 years and still moved on with my life - romantically and otherwise. Play the cards you are dealt with. That's life.

[Ruby Slippers]

So, I'll take someone who is a good, decent, caring, faithful person that I'm reasonably attracted to over the 'hot and heavy' any day. Yep.

See, I see the sense in this, and I really wish my heart could get on board with this rational argument.

 

Now, my problem was kind of the opposite. I thought my ex was gorrrgeous and sooo sexy. He could just look at me the right way and I would get turned on. He was masculine, go-get-em, smart, generally caring though sometimes insensitive and arrogant, accomplished, hard-working and driven, an amazing cook, a decent and sometimes fantastic lover, a snazzy dresser. He just got my motor running. I always felt endlessly fascinated with him, like I'd known him forever, had this deep soul connection with him.

 

And it was clear he was very sexually attracted to me and felt a strong connection as well. But he was honest about never having had those crush / crazy in love feelings for me, and he seemed totally fine with this. In fact, he seemed to prefer being with a sensible choice rather than someone he had a wild crush on (Virgo, like you).

 

Now, I tried VERY hard to be OK with this. But the problem came in when random other guys would treat me in that crush way - rushing to open doors for me, following me around a shop stealing dreamy glances at me, acting all fluttery just when I walked by. Every time something like this happened, it just stabbed me in the heart that I knew other guys could crush on me, but my own guy did not.

 

Rationally, I get that a solid, reliable partner beats a random flirtatious stranger. But my heart just can't seem to get on board with that. I need to adore and admire, and be adored and admired. When questioned, he said he adored and admired me, but I didn't see much tangible evidence of it. His response to that was always something sensible and mathematical, like, "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't adore and admire you." That kind of reassurance felt like a cold, hard rock to me.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Ruby Slippers

[RedRobin]

See, I see the sense in this, and I really wish my heart could get on board with this rational argument.

 

Now, my problem was kind of the opposite. I thought my ex was gorrrgeous and sooo sexy. He could just look at me the right way and I would get turned on. He was masculine, go-get-em, smart, generally caring though sometimes insensitive and arrogant, accomplished, hard-working and driven, an amazing cook, a decent and sometimes fantastic lover, a snazzy dresser. He just got my motor running. I always felt endlessly fascinated with him, like I'd known him forever, had this deep soul connection with him.

 

And it was clear he was very sexually attracted to me and felt a strong connection as well. But he was honest about never having had those crush / crazy in love feelings for me, and he seemed totally fine with this. In fact, he seemed to prefer being with a sensible choice rather than someone he had a wild crush on (Virgo, like you).

 

Now, I tried VERY hard to be OK with this. But the problem came in when random other guys would treat me in that crush way - rushing to open doors for me, following me around a shop stealing dreamy glances at me, acting all fluttery just when I walked by. Every time something like this happened, it just stabbed me in the heart that I knew other guys could crush on me, but my own guy did not.

 

Rationally, I get that a solid, reliable partner beats a random flirtatious stranger. But my heart just can't seem to get on board with that. I need to adore and admire, and be adored and admired. When questioned, he said he adored and admired me, but I didn't see much tangible evidence of it. His response to that was always something sensible and mathematical, like, "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't adore and admire you." That kind of reassurance felt like a cold, hard rock to me.

 

I know what you mean about the attention from random other guys. It's fun and intoxicating at times... but maybe because I work around all men I see it for what it is... a passing fancy.

 

The guys who are good at producing that feeling you are craving just aren't cut out for relationships of any substance or duration. That's just how it is. If you seriously got to know any of them, you'd quickly see how they treat their wives and GFs. They cheat on them or neglect them. I've seen it a million times. I'm often the one they are trying to convince to go along with it!!!

 

Maybe because I've seen their dark side, it is infinitely easier for me to just smile, enjoy the moment, and graciously keep on walking without it affecting my feelings for my partner in the slightest. Or usually, it makes me that much more grateful for the good man I have (when I've had one... they are so rare).

 

Oh, and I get his logic at the end too... Virgos (in general) don't waste even a second of their time on those they don't respect and admire. It's true. Look at me I seem to be the poster child for ditching men here.

[Phoe]

See I don't need spark.

 

I didn't have a spark with any exes. I just accepted them as a person and affection grew over time.

 

 

I've only had a spark once and it was for someone I couldn't have. Thanks to that I'd almost rather NOT have a spark. It hurts too much...

[Titania22]

I guess it's just not meant to be for us? I dunno, I have accepted it at this point. I would still like to meet someone I am crazy about but it's unlikely to happen.

 

I know, at least not while we stay where we are.

 

After the after week with the guy I liked who liked me back though, I now know that somewhere in the world some guys exist that would be right for me. So now I have hope, whereas before I didn't.

[Titania22]

See I don't need spark.

 

I didn't have a spark with any exes. I just accepted them as a person and affection grew over time.

 

 

I've only had a spark once and it was for someone I couldn't have. Thanks to that I'd almost rather NOT have a spark. It hurts too much...

 

To me I don't think of it as having a spark (at least not initially), but rather a growing attraction over time. It's like first I need to like them as a person, then respect them, then develop romantic feelings for them, then strong sexual desire. I guess the point where I am developing romantic feelings and sexual desire is what ES would refer to as the spark.

[nomadic_butterfly]

i dont get why people are so hung up on a "rush" or "butterflies" to determine if they want to stay with someone. I could care less if I gave a man "butterflies." This probably a part of why America has such a high divorce rate compared to the rest of the world. Too emotional and fleshy and less practical.

 

Yes I'd want my partner to find me attractive both physically and sexually but seriously it is beyond dumb to dump someone because they don't get "butterflies" when they see you. That's crazy! As long as I am attractive to him, we are compatible and there's potential for a future, who cares? seriously.

 

What I want to know is will you treat me right? Are you responsible? Do you have security? Are you good with finances? Are you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually mature? Do we have the same convictions religiously and other wise? Are you ambitious? Are you goal oriented? Are you drug free? Disease free? Drama free? Addiction free? Loyal? Patient? Compatible? Do we want the same things? Do you respect me? Do you value commitment? Are you willing to learn what I like to please me? Do you communicate well? How do you handle pressure? Can you resolve conflict? Do you have temperance? Do you know how to compromise? Do you care about your health? Are you family oriented? Are you a provider? Do we have fun together? Can we be both lovers and friends? Can I be my complete self around you and vice versa?

Edited November 15, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[Weezy1973]

Because it's hard to find decent, relationship minded men, many women attempt this, with disastrous results.

 

My best friend from grad school did this. She left her husband of 5 years a month ago.

 

Actually the opposite is far more common - people who get married based on passion and spark and then end up splitting up because they make a terrible couple long term. Friendship based relationships have way more staying power.

[Leigh 87]

What nonscence.

 

I am sure there are a lot of relationship minded guys who make good husbands AND who give you butterflies and excitemet.

 

WHY on EARTH do some people insist that it is better to get with people whom you have NO chemistry with and have to "grow" to crave sex with?

 

I think it is VERY possible to feel "excited" and have sort of butterflies about a man that is actually decent husband material.

 

I have met THREE MEN who I felt all excited about, and who got my heart racing this year so far!

 

They were by no means play boys. They seemed like decend guys. It just wasn't meant to be with us.

 

If I can get excited about THREE men in about a 4 month period, I am VERY doubtful that I will have to settle for a guy who I don't bloody well want to date due to not having satisfactory chemistry with....

[xxoo]

I don't understand how people have sex without "sparks". Not full on fireworks all the time, of course (I've been married over 20 years, I'm not naive). But how do you have sex without sexual desire? To me, that's all a spark is: sexual desire. If I don't feel it, I don't want to have sex with this person--and what kind of a marriage is that? A sexless one, that's what.