I think my friend wants a little space...what should I do?

[Bob47]

Okay, so I've responded to a couple of other threads about this, but I thought I'd just post my own finally.

 

My best friend is a girl I've known for going on 5 years. We met during our freshman year of college, and later transferred to another school (we have the same major). We were good friends at the first school, and when we transferred we became closer friends, cause we were the only people we knew there at first. She's never shown any interest in me, and though I've always been attracted to her a little bit, in the past year my feelings for her have grown quite a bit. We do pretty much everything together, we act like a couple, (joke, argue, etc like a couple), but there is no romance. We're actually roomates now, too.

 

After reading various threads on this forum, I've realized I've been "there for her" too much. I genuinely care for her a lot, and tend to go in circles of falling in love and then realizing why we aren't a match (over and over). I have tried becoming more independant from her, and I want to continue to do that. A few things have happened in the past that I have finally figured out what they mean:

 

1. Every now and then she'll purposely put distance between us---this is very rare, it's happened only a handful of times.

2. Once, I was waiting for her at a door while she was putting stuff in her bag, and she said, "you don't have to wait for me, I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself" (this after she made a big deal about other people not waiting up for her). I was taken aback and said, "I'm just waiting for my friend." She walked past me, smiled kindly and said, "I know." (It was a kind smile, not a flirting type of thing.)

She's done this very rarely as well--saying she can take care of herself. Funny though, she always comes running to me when she really needs it.

 

Anyway, I've realized she's been trying to tell me that I've been too clingy. Which is weird, cause she obviously values our friendship. Those things I listed used to really throw me for a loop because they are so out of place from our ordinary day-to-day relationship. It just goes to show how a girl will unconciously use a guy for emotional support, and then get nervous when she feels he's around her too much.

 

My question for you all is this. I don't want to completely separate myself from her, because that would hurt her (I've seen it happen with another one of her friends, a girl). So how do I change just enough to show that I respect myself, I want her to respect me (not expect me to wait on her hand and foot), and show her that I can get a long without her sometimes? If I figure out how to do this, I think it would make things better for both me and her. She's obviously had things in her head that she's chosen not to share with me, either cause she doesn't want to hurt me, or I don't know why. So how should I respond without hurting her, or the friendship?

[Barby]

Start going out with different friends (male or female). Look for a girlfriend. When she is going somewhere, don't go. If she invites you then go but if she does invite you, you should turn her down sometimes.

 

 

Since you two are room-mates I assume you talk constantly while you're home...if this is the case I say avoid her for awhile (not too much) but spend time in your room, eating alone, just kinda avoid her in general......

 

 

This way she can she you're not "clingy" and maybe she'll either realize how much she misses the closeness with you or you'll realize that this is what she wanted and it will help you move on and be able to move away from her without losing the friendship.

[Bob47]

Thanks, I'll give it a go. I'm not really sure what goes through her head, but I'll see if what I'm guessing is right. Anyone else with tips or similar past experiences, I'd like to hear about them.

[tokyo]

Hm, you´re the same guy whose post I answered in another thread, but never mind.

 

Originally posted by Bob47

1. Every now and then she'll purposely put distance between us---this is very rare, it's happened only a handful of times.

2. Once, I was waiting for her at a door while she was putting stuff in her bag, and she said, "you don't have to wait for me, I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself" (this after she made a big deal about other people not waiting up for her). I was taken aback and said, "I'm just waiting for my friend." She walked past me, smiled kindly and said, "I know." (It was a kind smile, not a flirting type of thing.)

She's done this very rarely as well--saying she can take care of herself. Funny though, she always comes running to me when she really needs it.

 

You´re interpreting too much into her behavior. I know it happens when you´re in love with someone. Every detail has to be analyzed and the hidden motives are questioned. I can tell you a girl´s view who had been in a similiar situation. I had a really nice friend and we were able to talk about many things.

 

She likes you, but there is no romantic interest on her part. Whatever her reasons are for not being in love with you, they are there. By telling you that she´s a "big girl" she´s showing you that you are getting too close to her. She likes you, but not as you like her and she´s trying to tell indirectly that she doesn´t want you to like her as you do. The source of your concern for her is romantic interest, it´s not purely innocent. You must not misunderstand her message, what she wanted to tell you was not that she doesn´t need your help once in a while, what she wants to tell you is that she wants you to treat her like a good friend whom she can rely on, but that there shouldn´t be any romantic interest from your part.

 

She asks for your help, because you´re her friend and you can obviously help her. This should not lead you to thinking that she wants more. She also expect you not to get so overprotective.

 

 

Anyway, I've realized she's been trying to tell me that I've been too clingy. Which is weird, cause she obviously values our friendship.

 

There´s no contradiction to it. If you think that being clingy means the same as valuing a friendship you don´t know anything about friendships and women. If your best friend was too clingy, would you like this? Following your logic it would mean that he values your friendship a lot.

 

 

It just goes to show how a girl will unconciously use a guy for emotional support, and then get nervous when she feels he's around her too much.

 

Absolutely wrong. She´s not unconsciously using you for emotional support. She´s not playing any games with you and she´s not taking advantage of you. She likes and appreciates you as a friend, but that´s it. It´s you who is crossing the borders and she´s trying to push you back as gently as she can. Right now you´re complaining about her, because she´s not so thankful as you think she should be. I can tell you, you´re right about to mess up your friendship for having unjustified expectations.

 

 

My question for you all is this. I don't want to completely separate myself from her, because that would hurt her (I've seen it happen with another one of her friends, a girl). So how do I change just enough to show that I respect myself, I want her to respect me (not expect me to wait on her hand and foot), and show her that I can get a long without her sometimes? If I figure out how to do this, I think it would make things better for both me and her. She's obviously had things in her head that she's chosen not to share with me, either cause she doesn't want to hurt me, or I don't know why. So how should I respond without hurting her, or the friendship?

 

My friend decided to quit contact with me. I hadn´t seen him for a year and we just emailed, but he was obviously not able to handle this. We had breaks for months, because we started fighting, then we´d write for a couple of months, then another break, it became a repetitious circle and we were actually making jokes about when our next break would be, etc. I do miss him, but on the other hand I feel releaved that he´s not bugging me anymore with his expectations.

 

I think what you are asking is:"What can I do to make her fall for me?" My answer is:"I don´t know." I´d say if she´s not completely trusting you about some things then she´s probably not into you. And even though it may sound mean, but it´s absolutely not your business what she thinks or not. She´s got a right to keep it to herself.

 

I don´t think you have to change anything about yourself if you truly act like a friend. You have no right to victimize yourself for her not fulfilling your expectations or hopes for a more rewarding reaction to your friendship. Be her friend, get a life and if it´s meant to be she´ll come to you.