Complicated break-up decision - break up during holidays or wait until after?

[masaki1085]

I have been thinking for a couple weeks about breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years, and I think I have made the decision to go through with it. There are some problems, though, and any advice would be wonderfully appreciated. Here's my story:

 

We both attend the same college, and we both live within 5 minutes of each other in our hometown. The semester just ended at our college, and she has gone home already; I stay here for a couple more days because of my job. Our schedules will be crazy throughout our winter breaks. From the 23rd through the 26th I will be out of state again visiting my family for Christmas. And then, while she is home for the entire 4 weeks of our winter break, I have to come back right after New Years (in about 2 weeks) to continue working my job at school. Right before I move back to school, she and I are attending a wedding on New Years Eve.

 

Essentially, the problem is that we will hardly be seeing each other over the break, because of that two week period we will be apart. And when we do see each other, it will be over the holiday season (not the most ideal time to end a relationship).

 

But, it also gets more complicated than this.

 

For Christmas, she wants me to make for her a little book of "sexual favors," to spice up the romance in our relationship (to make it interesting and exciting). The way I feel right now, I <i>really</i> do not want to make this for her. Not only is it because I feel the way I do, but it is also a disservice to her if say I do give her this gift and then break up with her shortly after.

 

In a nutshell, I wanted to wait to break up with her following the winter break, when we begin our spring semester. This is because I do not wish to leave for her an emotional scar attached to the holiday season, and also because I do not want to break up with her over the phone when we are separated for those first weeks in January. However, the problem of getting her the gift mentioned above, which she is really hoping for, is that it leads to a false notion that everything in our relationship is fine.

 

Just to provide some background information about why I wish to break up, a couple weeks ago we got into a huge argument; mostly concerning politics (because we both have different political values and beliefs). We resolved the argument, but more and more I have been thinking about how different our morals and values are (and how they have changed in opposite directions through our relationship). There is also many double standards in our relationship, where I feel like I am giving and am never receiving, which I have communicated with her, but she never accepts it and makes my issues with her my own problems. I feel like I am taking a more active role in her life, but she never seems to want much of a role in mine.

 

I know this is lengthy and complicated. I would appreciate any advice anyone has to offer. Thanks so much!

[Weird]

I say you be honest with her and tell her the issues you have and try and work things out rather than just break up. I realize you said you have tried this but you need to make her realize there is a REAL problem and if things don't get fixed then the relationship will be done.

 

She needs to see there will be consequences if things don't change for the better...right now she probably doesnt think you'd ever break up with her so she sees no real issues to resolve.

 

I say try and work it out. If you are sure you want to break it off then do it after Christmas and tell her you didn't feel comfortable doing the sex book thing. It'd be cold to break up with someone within a week before xmas.

[Barby]

To be honest since you're just "not feeling" this relationship anymore the sooner you end it the better. Why carry on like nothing is wrong over the holidays when in fact in your heart you don't want to be with her..??!

 

 

It isn't fair to you...it's dishonest....and it isn't fair to her.

 

 

I know the breakup will be hard but I think her being with her family will help her get through it then she can make a fresh start when she goes back to school. I think telling her while she's at school without the support of her family would be wrong.

 

If you can't do it over the phone (to me that would be easier but most wouldn't agree that way there is no "guilting" with tears and making you feel bad enough to agree to stay), then just go ahead and make a time (soon) to talk to her and end it.

 

 

That's my opinion....I think keeping the "illusion" of a normal couple (like you're happy with her) is totally wrong!

[GreenCap]

The question remains whether if both you make an attempt to communicate better and both realize the issues within the relationship, would you still want to be with her and she with you?

 

If you know that no matter what she does now, you want to end it, by all means do it at a time where she has people who love and support her around to prop her (I am assuming she will take it badly). Obviously as the previous postings indicated, there is no good or bad way to breakup....it is a matter of both parties coming to an understanding why the match doesn't fit...you have to provide closure. That's most important for it gives both of you the ability and understanding to be better lovers in the future.

[Weird]

Originally posted by Barby

To be honest since you're just "not feeling" this relationship anymore the sooner you end it the better. Why carry on like nothing is wrong over the holidays when in fact in your heart you don't want to be with her..??!

 

 

It isn't fair to you...it's dishonest....and it isn't fair to her.

 

 

I know the breakup will be hard but I think her being with her family will help her get through it then she can make a fresh start when she goes back to school. I think telling her while she's at school without the support of her family would be wrong.

 

If you can't do it over the phone (to me that would be easier but most wouldn't agree that way there is no "guilting" with tears and making you feel bad enough to agree to stay), then just go ahead and make a time (soon) to talk to her and end it.

 

 

That's my opinion....I think keeping the "illusion" of a normal couple (like you're happy with her) is totally wrong!

 

I know I made my opinion stated but I have to reply to this...I don't agree with it at all.

 

If he breaks up with her before xmas then she will possibly ruin the xmas of her family by being all depressed and stuff. Why screw over the holiday for others simply because he may have to wait a few days afterward? I just think it would be selfish to break up with her before xmas especially since he said he has been contemplating it for 2 weeks. If he is so sure of breaking up then he should have done it a week or more ago not a week before Xmas. I know for me, I'd rather someone broke up with me after xmas than before but hey, that is just me. I'm not one to think people should pretend things are ok with others but damn, xmas is a special day for most and it just seems super cold to break up with someone so close to it.

 

Still think he should actually try and work things out since it sounds like the issues he gives are ones that could be worked out if she puts in the effort.

 

All I know is if he breaks up with her before xmas he better be damn sure he wont regret the decision because no way in hell he'll get a 2nd chance down the line...

[Barby]

Originally posted by Weird

I know I made my opinion stated but I have to reply to this...I don't agree with it at all.

 

If he breaks up with her before xmas then she will possibly ruin the xmas of her family by being all depressed and stuff. Why screw over the holiday for others simply because he may have to wait a few days afterward? It would be selfish to break up with her before xmas especially since he said he has been contemplating it for 2 weeks.

 

Still think he should actually try and work things out since it sounds like the issues he gives are ones that could be worked out if she puts in the effort.

 

All I know is if he breaks up with her before xmas he better be damn sure he wont regret the decision because no way in hell he'll get a 2nd chance down the line...

 

 

If he wants to work it out (if they can talk it out) then that's totally a better idea...but I just gave my advice on what he actually posted.

 

I know it's kinda ****ty for him to ruin her holidays and then in turn her be mopey or whatever but if he really really doesn't want to be with her why continue pretending he does...I guess he could avoid being with her too much and tell her (as said) that he wasn't comfortable giving her that gift and he'd explain why later...but if he's wanting her to change so they can work it out then he needs to tell her ASAP....

[Sukotto]

Yeah breaking up with someone around a holiday time his a permanent breakup with no second chances. Once she ruins everyone elses holiday, he will be held responsible and they will advise her to stay the hell away from him.

 

I personally agree with Wierd and think better communication is whats needed, if there is no sort of abuse in a relationship thats been going on for a few years then I'm absoultely positive that any issues can be resolved with a good chat about your feelings for each other and any underlying issues. Though I'd still wait to have that talk after the holidays, since potentially that could blow up in your face.

[masaki1085]

This is the dilemma of the situation I mentioned above. And I believe that it is wrong to break up with her around the holiday just because this would be such a cruel thing to do. However, I also believe it could be cruel to drag a relationship that isn't working out longer than it should. This is why it is so confusing.

 

More than likely I would just wait until after the holiday, however, the sex book is the other big factor behind this mess, because it sends a big signal that things are okay.

 

I should elaborate more on the communication thing. I have communicated with her about many of the problems I feel are in our relationship. She usually is not receptive to anything she feels she is doing wrong. I mentioned before that we do not share our value systems. To give an example, I am a fairly religious person, and she knows this (however she is more of a questioner). She made a rude comment about my holy text, and I communicated with her back that even though she feels the way she does about what I believe, I was offended by her comment. She was not apologetic, and made me to feel that it was my <i>choice</i> to feel offended by what she had said.

 

The situations I live through with her are much like what I described above. If I that something is wrong with how she is acting towards me or how our relationship is working, I am made to feel that it is my problem. Not hers, or ours. This goes beyond the argument I mentioned as a triggering factor to these thoughts.

 

In a way, it puts me in a situation where I am afraid to communicate with her, because I am usually left to feel that it might just only be my problem, and I am the one at fault.

 

I want to say that I truly appreciate everyone's speedy replies. I am taking note of all of the advice given, but I just wanted to throw in some extra comments in there about my current situation. Thanks!

[Barby]

About the book, I say give her something else instead. Tell her you'll talk to her about it later (why you didn't do this for her).

 

 

If you knew you two were so different religiously why in the world did you stay with her so long? I don't think this is something you should ask her to change about herself...if these things are very important to you then you need to find a girl who shares the same views.

[Sukotto]

Well since she doesn't know about the potential breakup why not try having one more chat and then try finishing it with or maybe we shouldn't see each other more. State that you've broought this up many times and she's just ignoring your feelings and beliefs. The threat of you leaving may be enough to give her a kick in the ass and get her to change her behaviour. You need to show your mean business.

 

If you at least tell her this and put the possibility of a breakup on the cards. Then you can see how it goes from there, it at least means that breakup wont be unexpected and you may even see a change.

 

Regarding the present, I'd just write her vouchers to be redeemed for various sexual favours / positions. There is no harm in giving someone a present like that if thats what she wants. At least it won't cost much

[masaki1085]

Originally posted by Barby

If you knew you two were so different religiously why in the world did you stay with her so long? I don't think this is something you should ask her to change about herself...if these things are very important to you then you need to find a girl who shares the same views.

 

We did share more common views and beliefs at the start of our relationship. I do not know when she began to feel differently.

[Barby]

So is this a deal breaker for you? Her religious views changing?

[masaki1085]

Originally posted by Barby

So is this a deal breaker for you? Her religious views changing?

 

This is not the deal breaker. I can live with her religious views changing, as long as she can respect mine. I wish she would take responsibility if I feel offended by her words. In the particular instance I gave above, it was not a rationalized reason why she felt the way she did. Her words verbatim, "The Bible is bulls**t. You do not really believe what is in there do you?"

 

Now I am not the most religious guy on the face of the Earth, but I grew up participating in the church, and in this fashion it is a part of my life.

 

The end all be all is not in the manner in which our values and morals differ and have changed, but is a strong part of it. After all, I have been thinking, what if we get married some day, and have kids? What morals do we teach them? How can we expect us to survive if we go toe-to-toe about things all the time.

 

The big matter to me is that I feel she does not respect my belief system because she does not agree with it. And in a position that one feels strongly about, one will always feel that they are right (and she has admitted this to me once, that she always feels she must be right, therefore she is very argumentative). Because she feels like she has to be right, the situation above concludes in things such as it being my choice to be offended by her comment. The big matter to me is that this mentality of hers stretches into other things besides values and morals.

 

I mentioned in my first post that it feels like I am giving and not receiving. This applies to everything. I will go and visit her at her home, however, she will not come and visit me in my home (she lives in a nicer house off of campus, while I live in a smaller apartment). And I have communicated this, and nothing has changed. The same type of situation occurred last year when she lived in an apartment and lived in a dormatory. And I was made to feel wrong for what I was feeling. Another example, we both participate in various activities; her with dance, and me with karate and art. I will take an active participation in her dancing (which means the world to her) by going to see her performances (usually all three shows). She will never participate in things in my life, such as visiting me in my art studio or watching me in my karate class. And when I ask why she does not participate, I am branded as selfish for wanting these things. These are examples of the double standards I was mentioning.

 

These feelings of ending the relationship did not really come into fruitation until an argument we had about politics and the past election, where again we felt differently about many matters. The topic of the argument was how both sides will tease the other side. I could elaborate more if you would like, but in a nutshell, I teased her in a way similar to how I was teased, and I felt like a train dropped on me. And perhaps maybe I should have been the better person and to not have teased her about her political beliefs. However, I also have lingering feelings that there may have been a double standard involved here; the fact that she can get away with teasing me about my political beliefs, but I cannot tease her back. And I have communicated this to her.

 

LOL. Maybe I should have elaborated more in my first post on all of this mess, because there are many things happening here. I, again, do appreciate the reading and quick replies.

[GreenCap]

I think the holiday season is the best time to discuss or communicate deeply issues in a relationship. It is the end of the year and time to throw out the old stuff and plan for the future.

 

And deep discussion doesn't say just mean telling her that her remarks were unfounded. I think it should start off in a serious tone like "I have been thinking lately about our relationship" or "With the coming new year, this is where or what our relationship should be" etc. You get the general idea. The reason I keep promoting deep communication is because my ex was not much of a communicator keeping everything close to her chest and then when it accumulates, lets out a stream of things which I have no idea where they came from. No one deserves to be met with "I want to break up" or "I want to move out" and drag stuff from 3 years ago which doesn't mean anything anymore. How do you respond to such a thing?

 

Closure is highly important if you haven't implicitly or explicitly gleaned from my writings. Breakup is hard and especially hard for the dumpee. While this forum promotes healing, coping, solution from the writer's point of view, please do not forget the other party is also human too.

 

It has been an emotional day for me as my ex is off for a two weekvacation with her new beau. Sorry, if I seem to digress or go off on a tangent.

[moon]

The question you might also want to pose to yourself is why didn't you put your foot down a long time ago telling her to come visit you and attend your karate lessons or what ever? You could have stopped going to her house and told her she must come to yours. It seems maybe, after three years together, if you kept hammering away at the little things you wanted to see changed....maybe they would have changed. It seems you didn't put out those boundaries, now you are kicking yourself. Do you usually give too much of yourself in a relationship. I have fallen a victim to that.

 

It doesn't seem like a difference in political views would spell the end of a relationship, I guess unless you were fundamentalists on either side, for example she was a practicing hippie and you were a conservative right Wing Bush supporter, who had your eye on a political career. If you are both moderates in your views, then I couldn't imagine why that would spell so much trouble. I notice that political views have a lot to do with where you grew up and what your family thinks. If she's from the South and she's a republican, well that's just a given. If she is a democrat and she's from Northern California, well that is just a given.

 

It does sound like you are giving a lot to this relationship. But I might, just for the sake of your life and your misery if you break up for the wrong reason, not think about a total break up right now. You might want to instead schedule with her a talk session. Tell her you are at the breaking point and need her to be more accomodating to you and to not flaunt her political views in your face. Nobody is right or wrong with who they vote for.

 

It doesn't even sound like you are saying you don't love this girl, either, which is a general thing that people say when they break up.

 

So it seems what you should do here is have a total heart to heart with her, spelling out all your concerns and tell her that you are feeling like maybe you should go your separate ways if you can't find more of a compromise. If she seems reluctant and won't budge, then break up. If she seems utterly concerned and hoping to work things out.....then maybe you should throw her a lifeline there. It's up to you.

 

I wouldn't make that book you were talking about (might be another sign to her that something is wrong). I would communicate with her fully. I would definately wait until after the holidays to break up. Wait until the beginning of January, unless it is unpreventable to not do it sooner. Good luck.