Breakup cont

[Jane]

I may have been deluding myself with my r/ship.

 

A week later he still wants to separate.

 

Both of us have been playing mind games - I have vowed to stop - I did not realise how destructive my seemingly innocent actions could be, eg. printing pics of men in a dating service, talking about my future man all kinds of things to make him react or get jealous but it did not work.

 

How do I get him back?

 

I am getting a life - friends and job and starting to look like my old spunky self. I do not want to sound vain but my looks and personality are an asset. Unfortunately I have degenerated for a while now?

 

Im so pi##ed I know my potential and know I am worth a better partner but I am a one man woman - I want to work with counselling - and belief that another try may help.

 

Men are staring again now - whilst in degenerate mode I was not noticed. Or maybe I did not notice. I have had 2 men already ask me out and I refused - they were nice too - oh I hope I don't have some "only one man" disorder. Is there such a thing?

[Tony T]

If he wants to separate, why can't you respect that. Let him go. Some things aren't mean to be. If this thing is supposed to happen, he'll get back with you in the future. To the extent that you make his exit simple and easy, the chances of a reconciliation increase.

 

There is such thing as a one man woman...but I think that mostly applies to a woman being dedicated to one man at a time. Loyalty, they call it. Right now, you are not nearly over this guy. You are still very much emotionally attached and you want him back. There's nothing wrong with liking the idea of having him back...but there is something wrong with not respecting his wishes to separate.

 

So, take some time to pull away. No more contact. Painful, sure. But you are being noticed more. You are gradually feeling better about yourself. It sounds like you will recover pretty quickly. And there are loads of great guys out there that you can pick from...pick one for your next one man. Give yourself time.

 

Yes, you are worth a better man. And counselling is a GREAT idea...be sure you find a highly qualified therapist.

 

Why don't people just have more patience?

[Yumi]

I agree with what Tony said and I want to add one thing... it is NORMAL to take awhile to get over someone whom you love or loved. And during that time, it is normal that you don't want to accept other men's invitations. Of course a little part inside of you is still attatched, and of course you're scared of being hurt. You would probably even be disappointed that these other men, no matter how nice, wouldn't "replace" your ex. Don't date on the rebound, jsut give yourself time... your old man may come back if you leve him alone, and if not, you'll find someone else even better... just give yourself time! ^_^

 

Yumi

[Jane]

Yumi - that is what I am doing, leaving him alone - any subjects relationship wise have been initiated mostly by him. I know what happens when he goes away for a bit - I suggested he visit his family for a break - he will I hope.

 

Tony - Because we bought a house just 2 months ago. It is in both names and both of us contributed.

 

This is not a simple issue Tony. It could be a stress type reaction cos he has had a few big changes of late and he does not like change too much. I know it is common for people to feel stressed out and different after life changing stressors. Look at the Holmes-Rahe (spelling?) scale - of stress ratings after life changing events.

 

I totally agree with letting him go, I encouraged him to go on a trip. He said oh yeah - but intends to go for a few days only - so I am going to do a trip myself after that.

 

I have not reacted in my old way of trying to save the r/ship. I have let him be. Discussion of issues are now initiated by him.

 

He can go - great - fine - but he wants to buy me out in regards to the house. He is a tad selfish and doesn't like discomfort or house moves. I have given him the upper hand most times - but a doormat I no longer am. I tried being a doormat and boy is it awful. An interesting psychological experiment for me was being a "doormat" for a few years. I won't try this again though cos it actually became reality and was a struggle to break the pattern.

 

Why should I be the one to leave - get real?

 

I am not leaving my house 2 months after buying it just because he decided he didn't want to continue and he wants to stay here.

 

The house was a major decision for me.

 

If I were an idiot with low self esteem I may do so (may being the operative word). I respect myself more than that.

 

Why.......... do you think I am doing the wrong thing?

 

He deciding to get back with me - lol (sorry). This is not a one sided decision.

 

The only way I would consider this is if he put in effort and sought professional relationship counselling with me. He would also need to follow this through too before I would consider having him back.

 

My family are one partner folk. My parents have been married for many many years. They had their problems - but issues were addressed and changes occured. They are now more in love than ever.

 

Pulling away I am; as much as possible living under the same roof. Hence my holiday suggestions, and me getting a life!

 

Patience - thanks Tony - yes that is what I need. I will persevere with that one.

 

Hey thanks for your contribution - this posting group is wonderful.

[Deejette]

I don't think it is very fair of him to expect you to give up the house just because he changed his mind about you. As a decent person, he should realize that he is putting you through a lot, and to compensate, he will leave and leave the house to you.

 

To expect you to leave after you have made an investment of your money in the house, just because it's his idea for the relationship to stop, is selfish and wrong-headed. The correct thing would be to buy you out, since it was his idea to get out.

Yumi - that is what I am doing, leaving him alone - any subjects relationship wise have been initiated mostly by him. I know what happens when he goes away for a bit - I suggested he visit his family for a break - he will I hope. Tony - Because we bought a house just 2 months ago. It is in both names and both of us contributed.

 

This is not a simple issue Tony. It could be a stress type reaction cos he has had a few big changes of late and he does not like change too much. I know it is common for people to feel stressed out and different after life changing stressors. Look at the Holmes-Rahe (spelling?) scale - of stress ratings after life changing events. I totally agree with letting him go, I encouraged him to go on a trip. He said oh yeah - but intends to go for a few days only - so I am going to do a trip myself after that. I have not reacted in my old way of trying to save the r/ship. I have let him be. Discussion of issues are now initiated by him. He can go - great - fine - but he wants to buy me out in regards to the house. He is a tad selfish and doesn't like discomfort or house moves. I have given him the upper hand most times - but a doormat I no longer am. I tried being a doormat and boy is it awful. An interesting psychological experiment for me was being a "doormat" for a few years. I won't try this again though cos it actually became reality and was a struggle to break the pattern. Why should I be the one to leave - get real?

 

I am not leaving my house 2 months after buying it just because he decided he didn't want to continue and he wants to stay here. The house was a major decision for me. If I were an idiot with low self esteem I may do so (may being the operative word). I respect myself more than that. Why.......... do you think I am doing the wrong thing? He deciding to get back with me - lol (sorry). This is not a one sided decision. The only way I would consider this is if he put in effort and sought professional relationship counselling with me. He would also need to follow this through too before I would consider having him back. My family are one partner folk. My parents have been married for many many years. They had their problems - but issues were addressed and changes occured. They are now more in love than ever. Pulling away I am; as much as possible living under the same roof. Hence my holiday suggestions, and me getting a life! Patience - thanks Tony - yes that is what I need. I will persevere with that one. Hey thanks for your contribution - this posting group is wonderful. and job and

[Jane]

Deejette

 

Yes you are right. He has offered to buy me out - but I want the house too, we just bought it. Plus it is very bad timing for me - I am having microsurgery in a few days and HAVE to heal from that. What, am I expected to pack and shift places now or after the operation - covered in surgical dressings. Is this for real I am stunned! Why not after surgery? Why not a few weeks ago?

 

Why has he assumed the house is his anyway?

 

The timing of his decision is incredible: At present I have a LOT of things happening, previously I feel I may have gone downhill with it all. I have dropped my victim mentality and doormat persona just recently.

 

Literally I could say I am at my weakest point ever in my life - yet there is this strength in me. What is this?

 

He is aware of all my issues and my recent decision and ACTION in working on them - then this!

 

The week before he'd gone to great lengths to protect

 

(?wrong word) me from a trigger that would have hurt me.

 

Why now?

 

I decided to become a Christian - I wonder if this is where my strength came from?

 

His drinking has increased, previously he was unaccepting of my excessive consumption of pain killers from an accident - it has completely turned around. COMPLETELY!!!

 

I am truly amazed.

I don't think it is very fair of him to expect you to give up the house just because he changed his mind about you. As a decent person, he should realize that he is putting you through a lot, and to compensate, he will leave and leave the house to you. To expect you to leave after you have made an investment of your money in the house, just because it's his idea for the relationship to stop, is selfish and wrong-headed. The correct thing would be to buy you out, since it was his idea to get out.

[Tony T]

If you can retain a civil interaction with this guy, there's no reason why your move can't wait until later. If not, get your operation and recover at a friend's place. Get your things later. This house is half yours and you have a right to leave your stuff in it.

 

You will need to see an attorney. Unless you have a specific agreement as to how the house should be handled in the event of a break up, you may be in trouble. If you didn't have money in it...it would be one thing. But both of your names are on it.

 

If he doesn't have the money to buy your half, you can put a second mortgage on the property...although that doesn't fully protect you because that could be wiped out in a foreclosure.

 

If he doesn't want to buy you out, there may be no obligation on his part. You may have to wait until he sells the place to get your dough. People in love with the idea of sharing a house seldom think of these nasty kinds of things because our optimism tells us the bliss will last forever.

 

Your attorney can give you options if you can't work this out between the two of you. A lawsuit may serve no useful purpose here if he doesn't have the money to buy you out or to pay additional payments on a second mortgage. Of course, he may be able to borrow some cash from a relative. Meanwhile, the house is half yours. Take your time, get your operation, recover...then work out all the details of splitting.

 

Calm down and relax. This, too, shall pass!!!

[Jane]

Yes I agree Tony. It is bearable at present. I certainly am not going anywhere in the near future.

 

His mum has told me it is over and am I moving? LOL.

 

It is expected that I be the one to go I think. LOL.

 

I have not sighted documents related to - in case of a break up. What sort of document would this be?

 

We are both on the title. Both own equal halves.

 

He just happens to have repayments coming from his account as he is working. I had planned to contribute when I start work.

 

If both names are on the title then do I need more than this???

 

Thanks again Tony

 

You sure are helpful. R U in a relationship (no I am not trying to get frisky) I am wondering how you get all the time to reply to people.