Ex-BF with true sexual addiction

[YogaGirl]

I wrote on LS about a month ago and got some helpful advice. My ex-BF moved to a different state approx. 8 months ago with the understanding that we would work on ourselves and our issues. He changed it eventually where we would date others but remain friends to keep the lines of communication open; all to help us decide if we missed each other enough to get back together. We had lived together for a year before he moved out (dated a total of 4 years). We weren't getting along partly because of him dealing with life's upsets by viewing porn obsessively. He was the one who told me that he had been in counseling before he met me and he KNOWS he has a problem. I wasn't equipped to know how to help him with his addiction and it did get worse. However, I still have compassion for him because he struggles with a lot of guilt that he places upon himself. When we were together, he was a kind person other than this affecting a large part of our lives.

 

Since he has been gone, he has dated quite a few people and continues to date. Of course, none of the people he dates knows about his addiction. I had hoped he would spend this time to work on his issues so that we could get back together. He calls all the time and tells me that he can't make me any promises but he doesn't want to shut the door on us getting back together. It is so hard for me to know that he is dating others but he thinks the process will bring him back to me. I question what he is trying to figure out.

 

I have taken this time to participate in counseling to get healthier since my self esteem took a beating from trying to understand a true sexual addiction. I know he is looking for these other people as a way to build up his ego and to avoid doing the hard work he needs to do, figuring out what his issues are that cause him to do the behaviors he seems to have no control over.

 

I don't want to be the person who is always there for him while he dates others. I want my dignity. He wants to be more than friends with me while also dating others. I refuse to do so even though I miss him terribly. He is a wonderful person in so many ways. He seems to be scared to make a clean break with me and I don't understand why. I don't want to stick by him until he finds someone else, especially since the someone else won't know anything about his issues because he won't tell them. I am a little angry that these other women he is dating can come across as being fun and carefree since they haven't dealt with him sneaking to do what he does.

 

I have many chances to date via eharmony and some people whom I've met in my town. I don't care who these potential dates are, how much better looking they are than my ex-BF, how much more successful they are, etc. I can not bring myself to date them. They aren't my ex-BF. How can I be so in love with someone, given the situation I have described, and want only him? Are we all like this - when we love someone, baggage and all, we want only them? I could walk into a room full of handsome men and think that my ex-BF is the best looking guy in the room when most people would say....WHAT? Is this how other people feel about their ex's and is that why it is so hard to date others and move on?

 

I hope this makes sense. I tell him that I will not wait around while he dates others but I am really lying. I can't find it in me to want to date. All I can do is to work on myself and wait on him to make a decision to work on himself and come back to me. It isn't too fun for me right now. I am hurting but coping. He waited until I fell in love with him before he told me of his past and his addiction. I just don't want to give up on him or us.

 

Any insight would be appreciated.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by YogaGirl

I can not bring myself to date them. They aren't my ex-BF. How can I be so in love with someone, given the situation I have described, and want only him? Are we all like this - when we love someone, baggage and all, we want only them? I could walk into a room full of handsome men and think that my ex-BF is the best looking guy in the room when most people would say....WHAT? Is this how other people feel about their ex's and is that why it is so hard to date others and move on?

 

I hope this makes sense. I tell him that I will not wait around while he dates others but I am really lying. I can't find it in me to want to date. All I can do is to work on myself and wait on him to make a decision to work on himself and come back to me. It isn't too fun for me right now. I am hurting but coping. He waited until I fell in love with him before he told me of his past and his addiction. I just don't want to give up on him or us.

 

Any insight would be appreciated.

 

You don't get help for an addiction by feeding it. Nor will he be helped by you enabling it. He knows that not only are you not going anywhere, you have full knowledge of his being with other women and you'll allow it to be excused because of an "addiction". As long as you remain so "understanding", he will continue on just like he is now.

 

If he is serious about being with you and only you, and not just using his "addiction" as an excuse to sleep around on you (I've known plenty of people with very real mental problems who knowingly used them as convenient excuses, and there is nothing here that suggests that this guy might not be doing the same thing) - then he needs to cut off the other women, and get himself back into therapy. He should know better than to do what he's doing if he's already been in therapy for it.

[YogaGirl]

Thanks and I agree with you. I am more understanding as I describe the situation to others than I am when talking to him. I know from my counseling that it isn't my job to shame him, etc. As you said, he knows what he needs to do. My job is to try to take care of myself. I know that the only thing to do is to let him go and not look back. It is the love thing that takes a while. Getting involved with anyone who has a serious addiction is asking for a roller coaster ride. Unfortunately, they are usually very charming people who can hide their troubles for quite some time.

[aarsky]

I know how you feel about not wanting to date or be around other men, because you still love this man. In my case I am the one with the addiction and i don't know where it came from. I too was on and off with a woman for four years, even living with her for one of thosae years. And I blew it. Over and over again she would give me another chance, and i continued to behave in such an awful way towards her.

 

I walk into a room with beutiful women, I mean beautiful, and i don't want any of it. I just to be with her and now i think it's too late. The thing is, i know you love him and want to be with him, but like i want to do sometimes, you just can't control how someone else behaves and you can't force smeone into loving you. They have to want it for themselves.

 

You wonder though how two people that really loved each other, or in some cases, still love each other can be torn apart by such a wicked thing like porn addiction. It has become a real problem for couples and should be taken real seriously.

 

I think the best thing to do is, like I have to, work on your own self esteem and your own life, and just leave him be. You know the saying, If you love someone set them free, If they come back, it was meant to be, maybe thats what you need to practice.

 

I am seeing over time the more I bug my ex to try and come back, the more it pushes her away. I am trying the no contact method suggested in a few threads in here and as hard as it is, sometimes I cave, you'll truly know if he is the one that should be in your life.

 

If he does really care about you, he'll see it over time, and if he doesn't at least you've helped yourself get you life back.

 

If you like I'd like to talk more with you about this and get your female point of view. My email is [email protected].

[YogaGirl]

aarsky,

 

I appreciate your post. When did you decide that you wanted to work on yourself and the relationship? Was it when you finally realized that she made up her mind that she had enough?

 

My ex is so angry at me right now because in a way I held a mirror up to him and made him see what he has done to himself and to me. I told him that he has to get professional help and that I am willing to do the same. He is in denial and is "punishing" me by totally discounting that he has a problem now!

[aarsky]

As far as the realtionship goes, Im not working on it at all right now. As far as myself goes, it's because I stopped working on me that maybe the relationship failed. If that makes sense. People get so caught up in the fantasy that it takes two people two make one whole, but in reality, and like my friend said to me, we are all alone in the end anyway.

 

See, what pisses me off is that my ex now to this day still brings up the things i did as far as the pornography goes to piss her off althought i havent done it now for 2 and a half years with her around. It's like she know it bothers me when she mentions it, but she still says things.

 

In the new year, I made myself a promise. To go back to my group, to get some real help wqith this problem and to fix myself for me. Because like i said I cant make her come back if she doesnt want to.

 

But, Yoga girl, do me a favor, don't rub it in his face that he has a problem. I know everytime my ex tells me about what I did, I feel like crap. And trust me, your b/f has enough guilt inside from himself without you telling him how no good he is.

 

If you love him, help him. Just show you care the best way you know. And be sincere. I wish my ex would still care about me this way. Shes just given up, but theres nothing I can do about it.

[YogaGirl]

Thanks for reminding me about compassion. You are right. I appreciate your input. I respect you for what you are doing to make your life better and I do wish that your ex would at least try to understand that. She sounds as though she may be enjoying the role of the "victim" and if that is the case, she is not healthy enough for a relationship at this point. I know I have to guard against me playing the "victim". We all have choices and you have made a healthy choice to get your life the way you want it to be.