Any chance of it working out

[Used mistress]

I wrote in May of my MM who up and abruptly walked out of my life. He is 57 and I am 47. Took me about 3 months to get over it and move into a better place in my life. Well Aug 1 I get a Facebook friend request from him. Out of curiosity I accepted. He wrote me long messages of why he left the way he did. He is now 4 months in AA and he never went back to his wife like I thought. He is living in an apartment. He wanted to see me so we made a date and when we got together it was boom right back in love. He said he never stopped loving me. I held back for about a month to see if he was genuine and sincere. He was very reassuring and very slowly I let my guard down and gave him another chance. He suggested I move in with him and I did. I was wearing the beautiful engagement ring he gave me. He said he only has about 8 more years to work so he wants to work as much as he can so he can save to buy us a modest place. I was fine with this but now with him working more and more and his free time was going to AA meetings I was feeling neglected and like he was falling out of love with me. I expressed my concern but he kept saying he has to work and go to AA for the rest of his life. He said his love for me doesn't change just because he can't spend as much time with me. He said he has some obligations at his house like to put a new roof on and fix the fence and some other things his wife wanted done. I started to feel like he was pulling away and getting more and more stressed. I told him I wasn't sure where I fit into his life anymore. He's he is a better man than before as he seems more grounded and more sincere. I started to get confused and uncertain. I know that he is still in contact with his wife as his business is still run out of their house and when he gets jobs for his work his wife will text him or call him and give him the message. He said it would be less of a nightmare if he changed the address for the business when he would buy his new place. Then he only has to do it once. This kinda made sense to me but I just couldn't get past the jealous feelings I have when he is in contact with his wife. So I started to get upset and frustrated. I took our picture off Facebook and he was very upset with that. I said well why don't you have a pic of us on your Facebook. He said he doesn't know how to change the picture. I found this weird. I would threaten to leave and go back to my house and give us a break to try and figure this out. He kept asking if I found someone else. I didn't. I just need space. I said I believe I moved in too quickly and would just like a bit of space so we could go back to dating so when he has free time he could devote his time to us. He said he couldn't date me he loves me. I told him I feel like a toy on a shelf - when he needs me he pulls me down and when he's done he puts me back. He wished I wouldn't feel this way. He said that isn't his intention. He loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he needs to work and he needs AA. I felt he was backed into a corner and didn't know what to do. We had a real good heart to heart talk that night.

 

The next day he had to work til noon and I had to start work at 3pm. He said he would see me at noon. Noon time came and I get a text that he will stop in at my work for a few mins to see me before his AA MEETING. That was the last straw. I took what belongings I could and I went back to my house. When he texted me at noon he was at his brothers working on his truck. I texted him that I was not coming home after work. I went back home. I couldn't take it. I need to figure out where I fit in his life as he has no time for me or my needs. He said he couldn't meet my needs. Things just escalated and got very emotional after that. He wanted my things out of his apt ASAP and I wasn't allowed to be in his apt alone someone would have to be there. I said well I can't see you I'm too upset and he said he didn't want to see me so he arranged for one of his AA buddies to be there. I said I need to return the ring and he said you're right it isn't yours and leave it on the counter. I didn't feel comfortable leaving with a stranger so I left a note that if he wants it I will return it to him personally. Well after I got my stuff I deleted him from Facebook also. I took a couple days to cool down and I sent him a text that I love him and I would see a relationship councillor if that would help us better understand our needs. No reply. I sent him a friend request on Facebook and he accepted within 20 mins. I sent him another message on Facebook saying I would like to see a relationship councillor with him and I hope we can work things out. No reply in fact he didn't even read the message. So about 3 days later I sent him a text trying to break the ice with him " would you like to go to the swimming pool with me to help me swim better". He replied no he cannot he's working. So Sunday I saw that he read my Facebook message finally. That night I get a text from him "I cannot see or text you. It is affecting my sobriety and my recovery. I have moved on. If you care about me you won't contact me anymore". After this text I was truly heartbroken. So I I friended him from my Facebook. The next day he deleted his account. I am truly heartbroken. Our fight escalated out of hand so fast. He said moving out was the wrong thing to do but that wasn't my intention. I intended to just leave for a few days to let things cool off so they don't get so out of hand and instead they did.

I was convinced he went back to his wife. I drove buy the apartment yesterday around 11pm. I just had to see if he went back to his wife like I suspected. I had to out that feeling to rest. HIS TRUCK WAS AT THE APT. I was in tears. Perhaps I did jump the gun and make a mistake. I figured he wouldn't be there. There has been no contact now for 8 days now. I am hurting Is there any hope of us working it out??? Thoughts!!!

[whatatangledweb]

I would guess he put off things he needed to do before so he could sneak and see you. Once you moved in it went to being a normal relationship. He told you he would be working and going to AA. I can see why you got upset because he didn't see you like he said. The other things seem to happen in most relationships.

 

The stress and arguing is very hard to deal with for someone when they first start going to AA. They are used to turning to alcohol to cope. Honestly it would effect his sobriety. I don't think now is the right time for the two of you. You seem to each find different things to be the most important to you. And those things clash.

[Ladydrib]

I wrote in May of my MM who up and abruptly walked out of my life. He is 57 and I am 47. Took me about 3 months to get over it and move into a better place in my life. Well Aug 1 I get a Facebook friend request from him. Out of curiosity I accepted. He wrote me long messages of why he left the way he did. He is now 4 months in AA and he never went back to his wife like I thought. He is living in an apartment. He wanted to see me so we made a date and when we got together it was boom right back in love. He said he never stopped loving me. I held back for about a month to see if he was genuine and sincere. He was very reassuring and very slowly I let my guard down and gave him another chance. He suggested I move in with him and I did. I was wearing the beautiful engagement ring he gave me. He said he only has about 8 more years to work so he wants to work as much as he can so he can save to buy us a modest place. I was fine with this but now with him working more and more and his free time was going to AA meetings I was feeling neglected and like he was falling out of love with me. I expressed my concern but he kept saying he has to work and go to AA for the rest of his life. He said his love for me doesn't change just because he can't spend as much time with me. He said he has some obligations at his house like to put a new roof on and fix the fence and some other things his wife wanted done. I started to feel like he was pulling away and getting more and more stressed. I told him I wasn't sure where I fit into his life anymore. He's he is a better man than before as he seems more grounded and more sincere. I started to get confused and uncertain. I know that he is still in contact with his wife as his business is still run out of their house and when he gets jobs for his work his wife will text him or call him and give him the message. He said it would be less of a nightmare if he changed the address for the business when he would buy his new place. Then he only has to do it once. This kinda made sense to me but I just couldn't get past the jealous feelings I have when he is in contact with his wife. So I started to get upset and frustrated. I took our picture off Facebook and he was very upset with that. I said well why don't you have a pic of us on your Facebook. He said he doesn't know how to change the picture. I found this weird. I would threaten to leave and go back to my house and give us a break to try and figure this out. He kept asking if I found someone else. I didn't. I just need space. I said I believe I moved in too quickly and would just like a bit of space so we could go back to dating so when he has free time he could devote his time to us. He said he couldn't date me he loves me. I told him I feel like a toy on a shelf - when he needs me he pulls me down and when he's done he puts me back. He wished I wouldn't feel this way. He said that isn't his intention. He loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he needs to work and he needs AA. I felt he was backed into a corner and didn't know what to do. We had a real good heart to heart talk that night.

 

The next day he had to work til noon and I had to start work at 3pm. He said he would see me at noon. Noon time came and I get a text that he will stop in at my work for a few mins to see me before his AA MEETING. That was the last straw. I took what belongings I could and I went back to my house. When he texted me at noon he was at his brothers working on his truck. I texted him that I was not coming home after work. I went back home. I couldn't take it. I need to figure out where I fit in his life as he has no time for me or my needs. He said he couldn't meet my needs. Things just escalated and got very emotional after that. He wanted my things out of his apt ASAP and I wasn't allowed to be in his apt alone someone would have to be there. I said well I can't see you I'm too upset and he said he didn't want to see me so he arranged for one of his AA buddies to be there. I said I need to return the ring and he said you're right it isn't yours and leave it on the counter. I didn't feel comfortable leaving with a stranger so I left a note that if he wants it I will return it to him personally. Well after I got my stuff I deleted him from Facebook also. I took a couple days to cool down and I sent him a text that I love him and I would see a relationship councillor if that would help us better understand our needs. No reply. I sent him a friend request on Facebook and he accepted within 20 mins. I sent him another message on Facebook saying I would like to see a relationship councillor with him and I hope we can work things out. No reply in fact he didn't even read the message. So about 3 days later I sent him a text trying to break the ice with him " would you like to go to the swimming pool with me to help me swim better". He replied no he cannot he's working. So Sunday I saw that he read my Facebook message finally. That night I get a text from him "I cannot see or text you. It is affecting my sobriety and my recovery. I have moved on. If you care about me you won't contact me anymore". After this text I was truly heartbroken. So I I friended him from my Facebook. The next day he deleted his account. I am truly heartbroken. Our fight escalated out of hand so fast. He said moving out was the wrong thing to do but that wasn't my intention. I intended to just leave for a few days to let things cool off so they don't get so out of hand and instead they did.

I was convinced he went back to his wife. I drove buy the apartment yesterday around 11pm. I just had to see if he went back to his wife like I suspected. I had to out that feeling to rest. HIS TRUCK WAS AT THE APT. I was in tears. Perhaps I did jump the gun and make a mistake. I figured he wouldn't be there. There has been no contact now for 8 days now. I am hurting Is there any hope of us working it out??? Thoughts!!!

 

The only mistake you made is getting involved with a man who is completely mixed up in his head. As he is, he is not capable of a stable and fulfilling relationship. He could possibly be a good person but there's no question he has some serious work to do on himself before he can have a healthy relationship. The best thing you could do is tell him you understand he's not ready for a relationship now and wish him well with his AA stuff and all the rest of his problems and tell him you are not abandoning him, rather you are giving him space to heal and that you hope one day he is ready for a healthy relationship whether with you or someone else.

 

You didn't push him away. He's unstable and incapable of a relationship at this point in time.

[Used mistress]

He did tell me also that he is seeing a psychologist to sort thru some things. He said the first 4 sessions was talking about me and he realized he is deeply in love with me. Last time he saw psychologist he said they were talking about his wife and what is wrong in his marriage.

It's funny because a week before I did leave he was upset because it was his daughters 20th birthday and he wasn't allowed to go to her party at his old house. He was quite angry about that and blurted out "if it wasn't for my meddling sister in law I would still be at my house". I said WHAT DID YOU SAY then he added "And the other 10 things wrong with my marriage".

[Spark1111]

AA advises many things to maintain sobriety. They advise to WAIT one year before divorcing, date one year before committing.

 

Alcoholics have trouble with impulse control and must learn to manage themselves and their emotions for a long time before they are HEALTHY enough to be a stable partner.

 

They also avoid conflict and consequences to their actions. They avoid those, ignore or neglect others when they cannot deal.

 

While you gained invaluable insight as to what being married to this damaged man meant to his BS, you also learned at this point in time, he is incapable of having a relationship with anyone.

 

You did not cause this, cannot control it, and your love will not save him.

 

he has to save himself first and that could take years, if ever.

 

I think you should return the ring, go Nc and move on.

 

His life and emotions are chaos and turmoil right now and will be for many years to come.

[2sunny]

AA advises many things to maintain sobriety. They advise to WAIT one year before divorcing, date one year before committing.

 

Alcoholics have trouble with impulse control and must learn to manage themselves and their emotions for a long time before they are HEALTHY enough to be a stable partner.

 

They also avoid conflict and consequences to their actions. They avoid those, ignore or neglect others when they cannot deal.

 

While you gained invaluable insight as to what being married to this damaged man meant to his BS, you also learned at this point in time, he is incapable of having a relationship with anyone.

 

You did not cause this, cannot control it, and your love will not save him.

 

he has to save himself first and that could take years, if ever.

 

I think you should return the ring, go Nc and move on.

 

His life and emotions are chaos and turmoil right now and will be for many years to come.

 

No AA doesn't suggest waiting a year for anything. It suggests finding a power bigger than self to help stay sober. This must come FIRST. Helping others is right behind that.

 

 

Since you weren't the supportive one to him - and continued to grab attention and take control - I think it's best he ended it.

 

Drama...is not best for one trying to stay sober.

 

 

Just leave him to himself. Quit trying to get more of his attention.

[SunshineToday]

Being honest here, no it doesn't sound like it's going to work out.

 

From what your saying it seems he never really cut ties with his wife and was probably using "going to AA meetings/ my sobriety " as an excuse to her too.

 

Cut your losses and move on, you don't need this baggage.

[Used mistress]

I kick myself for getting involved a 2nd time with him. I was over him moving on and then fell for him again. Now I have to go thru that heartache all over again. It's good to have this site for support.

[Ladydrib]

A lot of us have had to kick ourselves. And we are always vulnerable to it happening again. I focus on not only getting over the AP but also on how to safeguard myself so I'm prepared not to fall in the trap a third time when he comes back. It's so hard to get out once you get in. Think of it like a prison. If you were lucky enough to figure out a way to escape a prison, would you ever go anywhere near the prison again, or anywhere near anything which would risk the freedom you worked so hard for? I'm still struggling everyday to take my own advice. It's not easy. So yes, get away again and know you'll recover again, and don't ever look back.

[Baby123]

Used Mistress your story really hit home with me.

 

I know how it feels to be with a separated man, after having played a part in the downfall of the marriage and I can say it is not easy.

 

There is a massive fear and resentment of the BS. They hold power, and until the divorce is finalised they are undoubtedly a shadow over the relationship- this is if they still are interested in MM.

 

There are always people encouraging the MM to go home, nearly everyone in his life.

 

And the married man will miss his home comforts, they don't just loose the wife but their family, friends and routine.

 

My biggest mistake was certainly getting paranoid of the BS, I couldn't drop it, even though he chose me, he moved in with me, they were on very little contact but I was always scared and intimidated by their past- I wish I could have just let it go and realised he was where he wanted to be, with me. He'd did it all for me, but I was overcome with jelousy and fear. MM once broke down shouting at me 'she has never been your competition, why can't you see that' and I wish I could- I guess maybe its phsycological because you feel like they will want back, what you have 'taken.'

 

I would suggest taking some time, and behaving as maturely as possible. Seeing what you both want.

 

Look after yourself.

 

Also if you get back together, enjoy it, don't over analyse, its wasting time, trust he is where he wants to be.

Edited November 12, 2013 by Baby123

[Used mistress]

Thank you for the kind words Baby123. I'm hoping that with some time it will work out.

[truthbetold]

OP, I see you want to hang on hope. I see also that you seem to also be swayed by posters opinions be it if they think you should forget him, or continue to hope.

 

Contrary to what some may believe, I'd like to try to help, even though I'm not on "either side", I've dated my share of idiots in the past. So we have that in common!

 

First, lose the identity "used mistress" that's your past, not your today or your future. I realize you need to use it for posting purposes, but I'd like you to think about "who is the woman behind UM's mask"? As I said you seem easily swayed but you can change that. What are you looking for in a man? Surely being put on a back burner when things settle to normalcy is not one of them!

 

I went back and read your first post. Honestly he wants you when he can't have you. When he has you he takes you for granted and goes into conflict avoidant mode, which is not "love". It may be "love" the best he can show, but it's not love that will be lasting and strong and handle the ups and downs. He's shown that, how many times are you going to allow your heart to be hostage?

 

Fix yourself, figure out who "you" are without a man. Figure out your morals, virtues. What are your passions? Your likes, dislikes? What's your worldview? What makes you laugh? I suspect you are a little lost right now, taking those steps will help re-define you. Then make your list of wants in a man. Must haves, like to haves, dealbreakers. I'll bet once you make your list your MM will not tick many of your must have's boxes when you line it up with who you are. People who love you and have YOUR best interests at heart would not treat you like that and COULD NOT speak to you like that.

 

He told you to leave him be. Believe him! That's who HE is he doesn't have anything to give to you to build to a loving relationship.

 

Okay so you two had a blowout. A strong relationship would withstand it and grow stronger, not separate and fall apart. But afterwards when you tested the waters (nearly literally) by asking him to help you with swimming and he shot that down, that's your sign. Leave him be. In the future, don't play games with guys. Know what you want and if someone doesn't meet that, show them the door. Because in the end you are far better off being alone than turning yourself into a pretzel for someone else. You will LOSE yourself if you do that.

 

Handle all future relationships with integrity and honesty and you can't go wrong. I can't emphasize enough, DO NOT play games! If you need to say something SAY IT! Don't hint or pout etc....If you want to know something, don't be afraid to ask.That's your best gauge of a strong and healthy relationship. When you can communicate and not have to wonder what they are thinking.

 

I wish you the best on your path to healing. Happiness starts with you, within you, all YOUR choices.

[truthbetold]

Ack! Why can't we have unlimited editing to a post?

 

In my negligence I didn't emphasize the key point that others have! His sobriety is important and what his focus needs to be. Unfortunately that doesn't leave room for you BUT I don't see where his treatment of you warrants your waiting and hoping. He does have a lot of work to do. Who knows if he will ever find a healthy relationship, he may feel it's too much work and always seek the GIG because he will always chase that high.

 

My point is YOU don't need that. You are stronger and better than that if you don't allow yourself to get stuck in this. But I did see some red flags in the game playing that I felt will help you in the future to avoid those kinds of behaviors. It's sort of a catch 22 because I do believe you are better off to have stated your ultimatum and walk away. But you said you didn't mean it that strong, you just wanted a reaction from him and for things to cool off.

 

True in the future I said don't play games, in that don't say you want out or you're done or whatever, unless you really are, don't make threats! BUT this situation deserved for you to say that. Perhaps think of it as maybe not something you wanted but something you really needed to get to the other side. I hope that explained my intentions better! I see great potential in you, now you need to see it too!

[Used mistress]

Thanks again for making me look at it from another angle. The problem with his sister in law is that she has meddled in their marriage from day one overriding decisions he was making. His wife and him both let that happen.

I did send him a very brief text apologizing and asking if we could talk but his reply was the last reply I got from him that he doesn't want to see me and he's moved on and that this was affecting his recovery and sobriety and if I cared not to contact him anymore. I will respect his wishes.

He started to get insecure about me going to the gym. I never ever flirt at the gym I go in do my workout and leave. When he would go with me he would point out all the younger guys and say how much of a loser he is and go ride the bike while I did weights. I was hurt by that. Then he just out right quite going with me. He has insecurities as well.

I guess we both fed off our insecurities and it came to a head. I admit I did move in with him too quickly. I felt we should of moved at a slower pace but when we are together the chemistry is so intense I have never felt this way with anyone in my life and neither he. Boom. It's like a freight train going down the track.

I know I have work to with my insecurities and not making threats of eg. Moving out. I am going to a psychologist now and hopefuly I will learn some new coping techniques and different better ways to handle some of life's situations.

[Used mistress]

Thank you everyone for the advice and comments. I have definitely learned and will continue to learn. I guess I will chock this one up to a learning experience. Bout all I can do.

[Used mistress]

I realize that I moved in way too quickly. He left me abruptly in May and I didn't have any warning except that he was very stressed. I was totally in love with him and ready to start a new life with him when he left. I know that I moved in way too quickly and I believe because of that my trust wasn't quite where it should be with him. Also with him going to AA changed our relationship because he is busy going to meetings instead of spending time with me.

 

I learned a few things and I don't believe he is ready for a relationship right now. It sucks because I did love him but we fed off each other's insecurities.

 

It's been a week now since I heard from him. I hope I feel better soon cause I'm really mixed up and need to find myself again.

[2sunny]

I realize that I moved in way too quickly. He left me abruptly in May and I didn't have any warning except that he was very stressed. I was totally in love with him and ready to start a new life with him when he left. I know that I moved in way too quickly and I believe because of that my trust wasn't quite where it should be with him. Also with him going to AA changed our relationship because he is busy going to meetings instead of spending time with me.

 

I learned a few things and I don't believe he is ready for a relationship right now. It sucks because I did love him but we fed off each other's insecurities.

 

It's been a week now since I heard from him. I hope I feel better soon cause I'm really mixed up and need to find myself again.

 

He's married remember?

 

And the first step in AA involves HONESTY!

 

If you expect him to get better and get honest - leave him alone!

 

He may be making effort NOT to have a mistress now.