Someone may have been abused, but not sure.

[guy1979]

Ok, I am posting right now anonymously because of the circumstatces below.

 

I am not 100% sure of the situation, but have seeked professional advise which really cleared up the situation.

 

My girlfreind of two years broke up with me recently, but please read the rest before comenting that I am just crazy or lost.

 

Things began to get very shaky about 4 months ago. It seemed like she became a completely different person. Cold, confused, and lost as to what she wanted to do in life. A month ago, thing got to the point where she broke things off with me stating she needed a "break". But as of late she has been doing things, that morally she would ahve never done even 4 months ago. This is the situation between us, as it stands now.

 

Lets go back to when we first met. Her father had moved out 2 months prior to us meeting. Where her parents were just seperated, and eveything was happy within the house. She began to confide in me telling me of a couple of personal things that she had done in the past, which included "cutting" or "self-mutilation". Which kind of scared me. As well found out her sister did the same thing as she was a teen as well.

 

The reason for her parents seperation is based on her father secretly having a photography business where her does do a large amount of pornographic images. He has also been cheating on her mother for the past 20 years which has all come out in the past 2 years. Something that I should not be aware of. The mother being very close to me confided in me to keep this a secret.

 

She had stated in the past that she hates her father for what he has done to her mother, but could it be more.

 

Well for two years things were going great between us, we were happy, we were always together, and even talked about marriage.

 

The twist happens 4 months ago, when her father who had moved out, came back because he lost his primary job. Thing became so weird, even the first week he was back. She had even restated that she wanted to cut herself, which is common cause of sexual abuse.

 

He has now pushed me so far away, and has been doing things that are not even in her nature. Just the other day she posted nude photos of herslef on a message borad, which I accidently stumbled across, and confronted her about it.

 

She says she needs me more in her life right now, but has refused to take down the images, eventho it is blatant cry for help. For some reason.

 

Someone I had talked to earlier today opened my eyes that this could be the situation, and she might just be trying to push me so far away so that I can't get hurt with the actual situation. The person I talked to had been molested as child well.

[Barby]

It seems odd that she would push you away...do you have any other reason to think that it could possibley be sexual abuse?

 

Could it just be that she is having difficulty dealing with the seperation then her father moving back in?

 

 

I can't say one way or another, I'm an adult survivor of sexual abuse (not by a family member) and I did self mutilate as well. I engaged in (what I'm not proud of) sexual conduct with an older guy. It took a little while for me to get myself together but let me tell you it was hard....

 

 

Now again it's hard for you to know for sure unless he acts inappropriate around his daughters or other young/teenage girls....I guess the best thing I can tell you to do is talk to her....

 

DON'T ask her flat out, just ask her if there is something wrong (don't be confrontational though) and let her know NO MATTER what she is dealing with, that she can trust you and you won't JUDGE her or tell anyone but that you'll be there for her no matter what. Let her know you love her and care about her and want to help in anyway possible.

[LucreziaBorgia]

How old is this girl, and what kind of board was she posting her pictures on? (dating, aesthetic/artistic, pornographic, etc).

 

If she is an adult, then nothing can be done legally. I'm curious about that site though, and why she won't take her pictures down even when you asked her to.

 

I would say your friend needs help, for sure - but she has to be willing to do it. Have you suggested that she get some help?

[guy1979]

Inresponse to Barby:

 

The pushing away part is what confuses me most. But after talking to someone else who was molested as a child, they explained to me that, they pushed everyone away from them so that they would not get hurt when the truth came out. She also stated that her morale and self-esteem is quite low (which it is eventho she could be a model), and sees me a too good for her (not sure how to explain this).

 

The seperation of her parents was due to pornography and sexual conduct, and to see her reproduce something similar is what confuses me. It is the thing that she hates most in the world, and had stated it in many of our conversations. Just baffled to not be able to understand why she did it in the first place.

 

The sexual conduct of someone who is so devout into sex, and sexual conduct. Their is typically no boder between wrong or right with soemone who enjoys looking, and exploiting sexual material. I can see with his past nature, and his conduct around women, that it may more than likely be true.

 

As for conduct around his two daughters, both of them have no real realtionship with their father. It seems almost business like, routine and mundane, no real affection nor bonding. Their brother on the otherhand has a great relationship with him. It still baffles me that 2 sisters do the exact same thing around the same time. And after reading about cutting / self-mutilation, it has opened my eyes to a new perspective, and trying to find reasoning. And after reading much about it, it made the puzzle all come together.

 

Even after months of councelling on his part, he is still photographing and running internet porn sites. Can he not see the trauma that it caused his family. Does he have no respect for them?

 

The tension in the house is so thick since his return, and she is honestly scared of her father sometimes, which always baffled me. She has tried to avoid him while he is at home alone.

 

In response to LucreziaBorgia:

 

She is an adult, and yes I am aware that she is totally responsible for her own actions. But as stated earlier, why would you do something to detriment a great relationship or friendship. I know where her morals and values are, and she was never like that even up to 2 weeks ago.

 

The message board is a very small community, with approx 30 people. This board which I did belong to and she was well aware of this, was a place to discuss pretty much anything. In the past some people did post some pictures, but nothing to this extent. They are not 100% pornographic, as she is just topless, but morally it is still wrong. After our discussion pertaining to this matter, the only thing she told me was 'Not to tell my mom'. Thus she knows it is wrong, and would cause more harm than good. Especially at this time in her mothers life.

 

As for telling her she need help, you can't force anyone who doesn't want help.

[Barby]

Very true you can't force it, so the best thing you can do is just try and be there for her. If she's an adult you really can't say much about the pictures....yes it seems a far stretch from her charcter (from what you've stated) but obviously she did it.

 

Only she knows her real reasoning behind it, maybe she's trying to experiment with something new and daring? Maybe she's trying to be a "rebel"

 

 

 

BUT what does grab my attention is the fact that she tries to avoid being home alone with her father! To me that screams "RED FLAG" that doesn't seem right to me. You may be onto something with your idea of what could be happening or maybe what happened....

 

 

If her sister did the same thing at this age..(as you mentioned) that is a scary pattern and hopefully you being there for her will get her to open up, if not then I'm sorry there probably isn't much else you can do for her.

[guy1979]

Barby,

 

Well I just talked to her on the phone. And she is still livid I saw the pictures. She says she took them down, but I am now thrown off the message board and banned.

 

As well she is pissed that I am talking to her friends, who seem to turn everything I say around. Which is awful. I am not sure if she will ever talk to me again, nor will contact me. That is the biggest problem.

 

She is pushing me away, and I asked her why, and she still has no answer.

 

When I did ask her about the pictures, my tongue slipped a little, and stated something along the lines that this is what ruined your parents relationship, but worse. She blurped out something along the lines that "you don;t know half the story, so don't judge me", so this is where I am really getting scared.

 

I will be meeting up with her on Monday for coffee.

 

But till then no contact.

 

Thanks again for your replies. It is very inciteful to see that she is not the only one this has happend to.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It will help too, to find out if she is pushing you away specifically because of her problems or is she is using those problems as an excuse to just break things off with you in general. I understand that she has had some problems - but are you sure those problems are the only reason she is breaking it off with you? Either way, I hope that she can get the help she needs to deal with the things that have happened to her.

[guy1979]

LucreziaBorgia,

 

I am just not sure how to go around to tell her that she does need help. It may force her to hate me more, or pull her closer to me. It is a gamble, and I do love her more than anything, but not sure if I am willing to loose the person I love the mos in the world.