Unexpected chemistry escalating between two women friends

[Standard-Fare]

A while ago I posted about an unexpected chemistry developing between me (woman in my early 30s) and a female friend, a divorcee with two children.

 

Brief context: I'm bisexual, though mostly date men and haven't been attracted to/sexually involved with a woman in years. I've known this friend for a while but only recently had we discovered a chemistry, which we've explored through through small flirtations and affection over the past few months. I usually spend the night in her guest room when I visit, since she lives a reasonable distance from me and we tend to end up drinking wine.

 

Well, we recently crossed the line to sharing her bed together. We've done that twice now, and though we haven't taken things THAT far physically, I think it's clearly established now that we have some real chemistry that we're both excited to be exploring.

 

But I'm wary. For a number of very valid reasons I won't go into here, this needs to remain a limited, "just between us" thing with the clear understanding that there can be no emotional attachment beyond friendship, and no expectation of something larger. So the practical part of me already thinks "Well, this has been fun, but it's time to step away before this gets any more involved."

 

From past experiences I know that any situation involving sexual affection can get complicated, even if it starts as fun and games. Here, it would absolutely be best for things to remain fun and games.

 

There's another part of me that feels like a teenager in lust and wants to dive headfirst into this experience in a "Carpe Diem" type way. Who knows the next time I might find genuine chemistry with a woman, so why not try to enjoy this? The temptation is so hard to resist, even when I recognize that this could become a minefield.

 

So I'm torn between shutting this down and not letting it go any further, or ... being reckless and having fun, consequences be damned. I'm not sure anyone here will have any useful insight, but I can't talk about this with people in my life so I need an outlet.

[Lemonitaz]

How does your friend feel about the situation? Have you talked about it at all? If you guys feel comfortable together and both agree to the specifics, then it could be a good, fun thing. But if she likes you more than you like her, or you are worried about her reaction for other reasons, I would back off.

[Standard-Fare]

We haven't had an open talk about it. We've just explored things without discussing or analyzing. I was initially concerned the attraction was in my head ... for all I knew she was straight... but I've seen recently that we're on the same page. (For ex., the first time I started touching her, she was trembling uncontrollably. Like in a good way.)

 

My concern is that we both could get emotionally involved. Right now this is the only outlet for affection/sexuality in either of our lives, so I know that will inevitably give it some power. Sex is fun, and important, so it usually starts to take the winning role over many things, including practical logic. For me, I'm already finding myself daydreaming about it, etc.

 

In another life maybe we could pursue this in a more meaningful way. But in this one, a lesbian relationship between the two of us would have a number of huge negative consequences. (This doesn't have to do with shame -- that's something I got over a long time ago.) Don't want to go into too many details, but if a "relationship" between us became public it would permanently sever ties with certain people we both care deeply about and rely upon. Also, with this woman being a mother, there's concern about her kids.... I don't want them to have any knowledge of or confusion about this AT ALL.

 

Basically, we've reached that end boundary of innocent experimentation, and anything beyond this is a confusing mess. My body and heart want to continue, but my mind knows it's best to stop this and withdraw.

[HorseLuck]

Things are starting to get heated..time to have a serious discussion with her and see where she stands on the matter.

 

My opinion though would be to come to a halt. If the outcome has serious repercussions (sounds like the risks far outweigh the temporary benefits) and the worse case scenario plays out, there's no rectifying the situation. You'll be left with a lot of regret. I tend to think more often than not emotional attachment is inevitable..especially if this is the only outlet for both of you. It's hard call the outcome on this one.

[Standard-Fare]

Yeah I think I agree that I need to just withdraw from this one. I've already started with that... haven't visited her or been in touch with her in a while. I think at least for a while my policy needs to be to only see her in group social settings.

 

It's hard, because I really don't want to confuse or hurt her by acting this way and in fact it's the exact OPPOSITE of my instinct.

 

I'm avoiding having a big talk with her about it. We're adults, and I think we both fully understand the reality of the dynamics here. But if I see evidence that she's on a different page, or isn't taking things well, I will certainly sit down for that talk.

[vtran31]

I've always had the view that one should "seize the day". You might need to weigh the consequences, but the heart wants what the heart wants:bunny: