The Absurdity of it All!

[OnTheTruePath]

I've been reading several posts on various forums from members of the LS Community. Many of the people that post here are, quite literally, struggling though the pain that follows an affair--or rather, the discovery of such a betrayal. These betrayed spouses have every reason in the world to want to cry their eyes out or scream out in anger for what their trusted wayward spouses did to them. With that said, I must speak of something that is the source of my greatest confusion.

 

Most would agree that to reconcile after an affair requires the input of both partners--the betrayed spouse and the wayward. However, I am one to strongly disagree with this point. How dare the wayward spouse complain of emotional pain and struggles after what he/she did to their spouse. If anything, the betrayed spouse should be waging through emotional minefields and battlegrounds. The wayward spouse has no right to complain of feeling similiar emotions. After all, THEY ARE THE ONES THAT DECIDED TO STRAY FROM THEIR UNION; THEY ARE THE ONES THAT CAUSED THE PAIN! Only the betrayed spouse has the "luxury" of riding the rollercoaster back to emotional health. The wayward spouse should grovel at their jilted spouses' feet and beg for forgiveness. All too often I've seen wayward spouses in this very community asking for the STRENGTH TO GO ON or A WILL TO STAY IN THE MARRIAGE. Give it a break. Who caused this catastrophe in the first? Granted, many affairs are initiated out of a so called lack of needs being met; but there's a simple solution to that: talk to your spouse and communicate your needs that aren't being met--or, worse case sceario, get out of the relationship before you decide to shack up with another. There is mutual blame for a martial issue or two. In the event of an affiar, however, ONLY THE WAYWARD SPOUSE CAN BE HELD RESPONSIBLE. And the betrayed spouses on these forums should realize that.

 

No longer should you (BS) have to comfort your wayward spouse as he or she copes with the reality of what he or she committed. It is their crime and their's alone. Should you decide to stay with your wayward spouse, be cognizant of the fact that you don't owe them anything. When you see them struggling with their own internal pain and the pain that they've caused you, don't immediately run to their rescue. Let them feel the same hurt that you felt the day you discovered their infidelity...I believe it's called D-day is it not? Remember, in an affair you are the victim--not the wayward spouse. THey are the "convicts" that are responsible for the ultimate betrayal. And it is this crime that they should repent for, within the marriage, for the rest of their lives with you.

 

~My Two Cents~

[uberfrau]

Excuse me? Adultery hasn't been legally sanctionable for over a 100 years.

 

So what is your point? Embark on a course of venegeance against the 'wayward' spouse to 'punish' them? Sounds like a recipe for destruction. But maybe that's the point.

 

IF you are cheated on, you should head directly to divorce court. Don't bother with your petty revenge-that'll just cause your spouse to think you are a real a**h***-and drive them back to their lover.

 

If your aren't married...please stay that way.

 

Had to hate,

Uberfrau

[HokeyReligions]

If the betrayed spouse has made a decision to stay in the marriage and work on the problems then BOTH partners owe it to themselves and each other to improve communication and address the problems that contributed to one spouse deciding to cheat. Saying "Yes, I'll stay in the marriage, but YOU have to do all the work" is not a solution. It takes two every step of the way.

 

I do understand what you mean though. The cheater shouldn't demand emotional support from someone s/he has caused so much pain. But the cheater's needs should not always be completely ignored or trampled upon either -- not if both parties are trying to work on building a new and stronger marriage. I do agree it is the cheaters responsibility to make whatever amends the betrayed requires.

[alphamale]

why are people so puritanical here in the U.S.???

 

all over the world in nations that have existed 5 times longer than the U.S. people of both sexes carry on affairs outside of marriage and it is accepted. The married couples stay married and have some fun outside the marriage based upon culturally accepted guidelines.

 

Look at S. America and Europe. People are much more liberal about sex and marriage and they are also more realistic about life in general.

[izzybelle]

alphamale - is that really true about europe and s. america? now, where did i put my passport......

 

seriously, from everything i've read here, it does seem that the cheating spouse is able to move on, or back to status quo, a whole lot more quickly than the one who's been betrayed. i could be wrong, and i know there are exceptions of those who are wracked with guilt, but they seem much more likely to want to "forget about the whole thing" than are those who were hurt in the process.

 

it does seem to be something that needs to be worked on very hard together. but sometimes it seems like the betrayed spouse is so concerned about what "they" did to cause the whole thing to happen. it seems that sometimes they spend more time and energy trying to repair the marriage than do those who cheated. and i know there are exceptions to that. that must be a hard road to walk. feeling like you did something that created a situation that led to the affair and perhaps spending the rest of your life wondering if you were "doing" or "not doing" something that was going to create the situation again.

[Joyce]

I am one of those people that committed the affair and yes I do come to LS for support and yes I turn to my H for support. I offer support to my H and he offers it back. After all isn't that what marriage is all about? In fact my marriage would not last if it continued on a one way path of trying to just make one person happy.

 

Just because I made some bad decisions does not mean that I don't have a right to feel bad about what I've done. In fact I would be worried if I went on with my life and pretended like nothing ever happened. You have no idea what it feels like to wake up and face yourself everyday when you hate who you are and what you've done!! Every day is a struggle and I need all the support I can get. My H and LS has helped me through the hardest times in my life it makes me very angry and sad that someone is on here telling me that I don't have a right to feel the way I do.

 

Who are you to tell someone how they should feel?

[izzybelle]

joyce, i apologize if any of my comments made you feel like i was telling you how you should feel.

 

there is a lot of that that happens here in general, for any of us who have done what others deem "wrong". whether that's the fact that you're the one that's cheated or someone who was an OW, people insist on letting us know what emotions we're entitled to feel and what we're not.

 

so if i contributed to that, i'm sorry. i have seen your threads before i know you feel awful about what you did.

[Owl]

Kinda an odd twist, and of course totally contrary to what the author of this thread would agree with...

 

Yesterday, riding in the van while out doing some Christmas shopping with the wife and our daughter (rest of the crew was at home playing video games), the song "When I Think About Cheathing" came on the radio. Neither the wife nor I said anything at the time...but I was sitting there thinking "I wish she would have thought that" kinda thoughts. It through my mood off no matter how hard I tried to shake it and not show that it bothered me.

 

We got home, and my wife and I sat on the couch doing some craft work, and out of the blue she looked at me and said "It was that song, wasn't it?". She knew it threw me off...and I could tell in her eyes that she was feeling guilt over my pain, and feeling horrible all over again for what happened. And that just made me feel worse. She's deeply regretted what happened, and has made it very clear that she's happy that she stayed, and happy with how things are working out between us now. And she didn't need that reminder any more than I did. I just wish that I could have kept her from knowing that it bothered me hearing that song...because I don't see how knowing that I still hurt over it did any good.

 

So, I can understand the point that us betrayed spouses DO have a lot of pain, and I sometimes feel that she hasn't done enough to help me heal...but the truth is, NO ONE walks away from an affair without a lot of pain. BS, WS, or OP...everyone ends up hurt. That won't change...and they all need the chance to heal, regardless of their role in the affair. (Except maybe the OM in my circumstance...but he's a special case!).

[Joyce]

Thanks Izzybelle but it wasn't your post that I was bothered by it was on the true path. It was this comment...

 

The wayward spouse has no right to complain of feeling similiar emotions

 

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but it is irritating to have someone telling you how you should feel or if you can complain. Especially when my life and marriage has revolved around these feelings for the last several months. I am not ashamed to admit that I hate who I am and it is nice to come to LS and have people listen and offer advice.

 

I admire every person on here that does not judge.. especially the betrayed spouses.

[fanou22]

Originally posted by alphamale

why are people so puritanical here in the U.S.???

 

all over the world in nations that have existed 5 times longer than the U.S. people of both sexes carry on affairs outside of marriage and it is accepted. The married couples stay married and have some fun outside the marriage based upon culturally accepted guidelines.

 

Look at S. America and Europe. People are much more liberal about sex and marriage and they are also more realistic about life in general.

 

My friend you are sadly mistaken. Marriage is marriage whether you are living in the US or not. The places where you think a man can have "fun" outside his marriage are the countries where women are considered second class citizens. They are male dominated cultures where divorce is unacceptable and a divorced woman get shunned by society.

 

When this is the case what woman would want to leave her cheating husband when she has no securities and no where to go?

[Joyce]

NO ONE walks away from an affair without a lot of pain. BS, WS, or OP...everyone ends up hurt. That won't change...and they all need the chance to heal, regardless of their role in the affair

 

Owl,

You and Sylvia are such nice open minded people. Your spouses are both very lucky to have you in their lives. Thank you for all your positive posts!!

[Summerday]

More power to you Joyce!!!!

 

I'm sure that your marriage will be healthier and stronger then it was before.

[Joyce]

Thank you summerday

[guest]

I also get tired of reading about WS not knowing if they have the strength to deal with what they did. Being in a "fog", etc. Having done such a rotten thing to another person, then they should simply skulk off and leave that person alone, and not expect any sympathy for their wrong actions. On the other hand, if the betrayed person agrees to let them stay in their marriage, then it is incumbent upon both parties to work on the marriage and not merely just exist. I wish my H would have left me. It would have been easier for us both than this supposed reconcilation. The only reasons I do not divorce is money and children, which is probably why he stays as well, even though he lies and says otherwise.

 

I liked the initial post. The unfaithful never think about the suffering and sadness they create until it is THEY who suffer. Then they have they audicity to prattle on about their own suffering? Give me a break.

 

P.S. -- I don't think clandestine affairs are acceptable in any society, European or otherwise. If you are honest and up front without your spouse about cheating and you give them the right to choose to be in that type of relationship and they choose to be in it, it is one thing. But if you lie and hide your cheating and deceive your spouse and do not allow them the same freedom or deny them the knowledge that they have married someone who does not believe in fidelity, I cannot believe it would be acceptable in ANY culture.

[Joyce]

I also get tired of reading about WS not knowing if they have the strength to deal with what they did. Being in a "fog", etc. Having done such a rotten thing to another person, then they should simply skulk off and leave that person alone, and not expect any sympathy for their wrong actions. On the other hand, if the betrayed person agrees to let them stay in their marriage, then it is incumbent upon both parties to work on the marriage and not merely just exist. I wish my H would have left me. It would have been easier for us both than this supposed reconcilation. The only reasons I do not divorce is money and children, which is probably why he stays as well, even though he lies and says otherwise.

 

If you get tired of reading it then don't read it. The great thing about the Internet is if you see or read something that you don't like then you are one click away from not needing to read it anymore.

 

It boggles my mind to hear people judge on LS so often. I thought LS was here for support and advice not to be judged.

 

So are the only people that are allowed support are the betrayed?

 

I can understand why you are bitter. Your H had an affair and you are staying together for the wrong reasons.. you have been betrayed and you have every right to feel the way you do. Someday I hope that you can use your knowledge and experience to help other people along the way no matter which side of the fence they are on. Good luck with your marriage.

[OnTheTruePath]

"So are the only people that are allowed support are the betrayed?" Hmmm....well, I suppose asking that question is similiar to asking "So are the only people that are allowed support the victims of the crime?" To be quite blunt and frank: YES! Why is it that you hold on to this idea that you--the deceitful wayward spouse--need support in any form or fashion? You are struggling with problems that YOU CREATED. Yes, your marriage may have had its share of issues and that may have contributed to adulterous thoughts and contemplation. However, YOU DECIDED TO STRAY FROM THE MARRIAGE. No one held some weapon to your head and threatened you or coerced you to engage in your EMA. Free will is a gift and you exercised yours in one of the worst ways possible.

 

Your husband should be the only one in need of support. It was him that had to experience your betrayal. It was your husband that has to look at you day in and day out as a constant reminder of that very betrayal. How he does it, I do not know. Perhaps he has an unbelievably strong will. Or maybe you've gotten him to believe that the affair can be forgiven. Again, I don't know. But since he's decided to stay with you, it is completly and utterly up to you to atone for your wrongdoings. It is up to you to GIVE HIM SUPPORT, not vice versa. Why? Because, as I said before, you went outside of the marriage and, thus, created your very own pain. Deal with what you've caused and help your significant other to heal from it.

 

On another note, I want to address something that you stated earlier. Apparently, you interpreted my words wrong or perhaps I stated my thoughts unclearly. Either way, you believed that I was telling you what you could and could not feel. Au contraire, I expect you to feel every emotion that the human being is susceptible to. But whereas your husband may need help to get through his own raging emotions, you deserve none. How can you ask someone to heal you from a wound that you created?

[Cecelius]

It's a matter of perspective and relative right. The original post is something I tend to agree with: you do the bad thing, you take your lumps. Its not a question of what you need, its a question of whether you really have a right to ask for it. Probably there is some repairing that needs to go on and some reparations before your really in a position to ask for your needs to be met.

 

No one in the universe can tell you how to feel or that you can't want this or want that, but in the end, there is relative fault. Some of the BS may have better stones than a lot of other people, but to me, there is no hate, no love, no drama -- stray, and you are gone. Maybe you can heal yourself and get better, and more power to you.... with the next person. I don't think one deserves punishment, but that's mostly just because you've shown you're not worth reacting to. If you get forgiven, take it and do the best with it that you can. You may not deserve it, but it was given to you so be good with it.

[Moose]

How dare the wayward spouse complain of emotional pain and struggles after what he/she did to their spouse

 

Most people are driven to cheat. Most of the time it's because of the spouse, (of the cheater), not taking care of one area or the other in the marriage.

 

As far as the rest of your comments and running over this person, you have to realize that the husband isn't innocent in all of this. If you are on the true path like your user name says, you'd back off a tad and realize that sometimes, people who cheat aren't all sluts.....sometimes they're neglected and there's noone else to blame but both people in the marriage.

 

I've beaten alot of people up over cheating, I'm learning a lot partially to this forum that not only does it take two to make a marriage successful, it often takes two to destroy it as well. I think both parties in this situation need the support of each other, with that, the marriage could grow to be stronger, 10 fold.

[Joyce]

Your husband should be the only one in need of support. It was him that had to experience your betrayal. It was your husband that has to look at you day in and day out as a constant reminder of that very betrayal. How he does it, I do not know. Perhaps he has an unbelievably strong will. Or maybe you've gotten him to believe that the affair can be forgiven. Again, I don't know. But since he's decided to stay with you, it is completely and utterly up to you to atone for your wrongdoings. It is up to you to GIVE HIM SUPPORT, not vice versa. Why? Because, as I said before, you went outside of the marriage and, thus, created your very own pain. Deal with what you've caused and help your significant other to heal from it.

 

I do support my husband. I have never asked him to support me back. He supports me because he wants to and he loves me. My H does not HAVE to look at me every day. He wants to. It's his choice. He could have left me and he still could if he wanted but he loves me and he wants our marriage to work. The reason why I confessed about my affair was because I wanted him to be able to choose if he wanted to be married to me knowing the truth.

 

By the way I know I was wrong and I made a mistake. I come to LS for support because I need people to talk to and if you have a problem with that then thats too bad because I am not going anywhere!!

 

I am actually grateful for the harsh posts because it has shown me even more what a wonderful man my husband is. He understands that people can make mistakes and he welcomes me into his loving arms as much as he possibly can. Isn't it crazy that complete strangers have a bigger problem with what I did then my own husband? There are a lot of people that get their jollies off by bringing people down and judging people on a web site created to support people.

[Joyce]

I think both parties in this situation need the support of each other, with that, the marriage could grow to be stronger, 10 fold.

 

Thanks for your positive post Moose

[Guest]

Joyce, I would agree that you are lucky to have married a man as understanding as your husband. I understand your defensiveness, you must feel terrible over what you did.

 

It's interesting that upon hearing the faithful half of the marriage say they don't feel sorry at all for their cheating spouses, those who cheated immediately assume they are bitter. I do not think I'm bitter, I just don't think I owe my husband any sympathy for what he did. I don't hate him, I do forgive him, but I will never forget what he did and it will never be okay with me that he did it. I have heard all his reasons and justifications, I have read about the "fog" (oh pleeease), I have read about mid-life crisis, depression and stress blah blah, many so-called reasons why people have affairs, in an effort to understand why he brought this cancer into our relationship, and none of it makes any sense to me and never will. I do not even want to hear any of that stuff again. I forgive him and understand he regrets being weak and stupid and a liar, but now I know what he is capable of. What he did was wrong. Period. I don't feel I owe him any sympathy, but that doesn't mean I'm bitter.

 

I think its wonderful you and your husband are doing so well. He sounds like a beautiful person. I hope you will always appreciate what you have and treat him well in the future.

[Joyce]

Joyce, I would agree that you are lucky to have married a man as understanding as your husband. I understand your defensiveness, you must feel terrible over what you did.

 

It's interesting that upon hearing the faithful half of the marriage say they don't feel sorry at all for their cheating spouses, those who cheated immediately assume they are bitter. I do not think I'm bitter, I just don't think I owe my husband any sympathy for what he did. I don't hate him, I do forgive him, but I will never forget what he did and it will never be okay with me that he did it. I have heard all his reasons and justifications, I have read about the "fog" (oh pleeease), I have read about mid-life crisis, depression and stress blah blah, many so-called reasons why people have affairs, in an effort to understand why he brought this cancer into our relationship, and none of it makes any sense to me and never will. I do not even want to hear any of that stuff again. I forgive him and understand he regrets being weak and stupid and a liar, but now I know what he is capable of. What he did was wrong. Period. I don't feel I owe him any sympathy, but that doesn't mean I'm bitter.

 

I think its wonderful you and your husband are doing so well. He sounds like a beautiful person. I hope you will always appreciate what you have and treat him well in the future.

 

You don't owe your H sympathy. In fact you don't owe him anything. You need to do what makes you happy and if you can find it in your heart to want to work on things with him then that's great. If not it's his loss. It needs to be your choice.

 

I think people think that the people that have betrayed their spouses are looking for sympathy and that is very wrong. I can only speak for myself but I come to LS for support and advice. It helps to hear from people that have been through similar situations. I do complain about having a hard time. I have never said it's not self deserved and I have never asked for sympathy. I have never asked my H for sympathy. He tells me he loves me, hugs me and makes me feel good.. to me that is support. He offers it and I take it. If people have a problem with him offering support then that's too bad. It's his choice!!

 

I really hope you and your H can make it through this.