not everyone who smiles at you is your friend

[hayleym]

I've been reading a lot on here and other forums lately and I'm surprised how shocked people are when they discover someone they know has been in affair, or their own partner.

 

Really, I guess I must just think differently than other people. I've had people label me a lot of things after hearing my story. They don't really bother me because I'm pretty confident in my ability to keep the one life separate from the next. Most who know me wouldn't believe the things I'm capable of hiding.

 

Most wouldn't believe the things most people are capable of hiding. We all have secrets but some people obviously have more.

 

A few women here have admitted to knowing the wife of their other man. They are some how much worse than any of the other women who are placing themselves in another woman's marriage, simply because they know the wife too? Or can lie easier or what? Is it because the wife would be some how MORE hurt if she found out? What's your reasoning for it being worse?

 

Insult to injury? I've heard that one. I still don't think I'm worse than anyone else who lies. I'm just different.

 

I'm in an ongoing affair with my best friends husband.

They are more like family.

 

We want it to continue as long as possible with nobody finding out, if it gets out of control we will try to take a break but we are having fun. It's fun.. That's how I would describe it. I have no intention to hurt her or my husband, I don't want to ruin our marriages, I just want to have someone else to confide in and have sex with. That's the extent of it, he's amazing, sexy, charming and basically my other half. His wife is pretty cool to and one of the best friends I've ever had, she is great to be around, and my husband although we mix like oil and water sometimes, loves me and I love him.

 

I'm getting pretty much exactly what I want from the affair. If I had to complain it would be that I do compare my husband to the other guy to much, they have very different qualities and my husband is far from lacking, but I do find myself comparing.

Also I wish the other guy would give me more attention at certain times, but that's unrealistic in our situations and really it's just my over active need for attention than him not providing it.. Because he gives me lots of attention.

 

I could just always use more.

 

I think friends sleeping with friends husbands / wives/ girlfriends or boyfriends is probably much more common than people think.

 

In our case it's been two years of every single time his wife or my husband went out of town, and many times in between.

 

The common advice here is that every affair ends in a dday. I really really find it hard to believe that even the people giving those statements believe that?

 

Things happen every day that are never discovered.

 

I don't know if I need advice.

My relationship with my husband isn't perfect, neither is my relationship with my lover, but both are pretty great.

 

My most challenging relationship is with myself. I'm confused a lot, but I don't really feel guilty. If I knew for a fact we wouldn't ever be found out I don't think I'd feel any guilt at all actually.. Because I really do feel like they won't be hurt if they don't know. So far so good.

 

My advice to anyone else? Don't trust anyone.

[Owl]

My advice to anyone else? Don't trust anyone.

 

I'd heartily suggest that you provide this advice rather point blank to your husband, and your best friend.

 

Clearly, they're the fools...massively misplaced trust, love, and friendship on their parts.

 

They should have been warned up front.

[veryhappy]

She might be your best friend, by you are not her friend. Friends don't stab in the back.

 

If you want to continue, I suggest to find a way to cool off the friendship and socializing.

 

I believe the statistic was that 2/3 of A get discovered. Those who say all are people who want to believe not bad deed goes unpunished.

[wanting more]

I really really hope your wrong ( and I think you are, you're just trying to get yourself to believe it, maybe to ease your conscience, maybe not since you said you don't feel guilt), I do not believe its all that common that the OW/OM is sleeping with their friends wife/husband.

 

I feel pretty shi**y about myself and the A and the hurt I caused. I could not imagine sleeping with a friends husband. I know many people don't believe OW/OM have lines they wont cross in the A, but there's 2 I could never imagine

 

1. Sleeping with my friends husband

2. Having sex in my home or xMM home

 

At the time of my A, although I knew xMM BW, I only saw her a couple times at work events, and even then we never spoke, I couldn't imagine being on a friendly basis, much less friends with her.

 

If all you want is sex outside your marriage, find someone whose not your friends husband.

 

When this blows up, and it will, you will lose more than you can imagine.

[Sub]

Yeah, I'm wondering if that's the point. That you shouldn't be held accountable because, aside from it being so common(?), it's partially on them for trusting you.

[Artie Lang]

I have no intention to hurt her or my husband

 

you've gotta be freakin' joking, right???

 

how can you keep a straight face while saying something so asinine.

[Sub]

I may have missed it, but are there any kids involved in this scenario?

[AlwaysGrowing]

If all you wanted was a side piece, why not find a single AP. Not that I believe that a single person should sign up to be used....however...they are given the choice to sign up or not. So, if they get hurt/STD they have no one to blame but themselves. And it minimizes the number of people in the collateral damage arena.

 

I also do not understand your position that your closest family and friends should EXPECT to be lied and cheated on. Doesn't that go against why family and friends even exist? Aren't those some of the characteristics that differentiate those relationships from others..such as stranger, mailman, co-worker, doctor, guy standing beside my car for no reason?

[todreaminblue]

not everyone who smiles is your friend.......but when someone smiles if you have a trusting heart you give one genuine smile back because you beleive that smiel coming from them is genuine...you might not have a trusting heart so therefore your smile is not genuine....and yes there are other who dont smile genuinely from a trusting heart....you really aren't happy doing what you are doing to the people around you who trust and love you ...it is rather sad...i feel for you you are killing your inner child with deceit.....the one that believes in love and honesty.....

 

 

If i were you before you lose what it is to believe, you have to get rid of all the deceit and dishonesty to let your heart be able to trust again then, when someone smiles at you that you can accept that they just very well may mean that smile that it comes from a place that is true and good....living with dishonesty is not harmonious nor does it really satisfy you and even though you are feeling physically satisfied, your heart is starving to death with apathy ......i wish you well.... open your heart get rid of the distrust you feel for others by being honest yourself

 

secrets that cause major damage to others.....are the ones that damage you as a person capable of loving, trusting and having a happy fulfilling life......what a tangled web we weave when we first try to deceive.......i wish you all the best and hope you really do what your heart wants.....towards your husband and to the best friend you have ever had......let her go by being truthful then you may be that friend who truly cares.....i am not judging you other than to say.....i dont think you are happy doing this you know the damage you will inflict when it comes out and it will come out be prepared for that.....it is not you alone.....but only you can fix it...deborah

Edited November 11, 2013 by todreaminblue

[hayleym]

If it was only about sex, I'd be leaving my marriage. It's far from only about sex.

 

I've heard over and over already when reading about this kind of situation or when I've posted about it elsewhere even watered down details, that I'm not really her friend. Or I wouldn't be doing this.

 

I can see the logic in that.

 

But it's hard to accept it because in every single other aspect, I am there for her, I help her, confide in her and we help each other constantly throughout life. But I for sure am stabbing her in the back, I get it. I guess I don't see it as bad because I'm not trying to take him from her.

 

I didn't say I felt no guilt, I have feelings of guilt but sometimes I think it's more being scared of getting caught. I've been reading here and elsewhere about that for a couple months and could totally see that being me. More scared of the shame if it came out than actually feeling guilty.

 

I'm very interested in if that means I'm a sociopath, I feel bad for people lots, people would describe me as very comforting and empathetic, but maybe I'm just good at using that to my advantage. I've noticed myself doing that lots in my life.

 

I pity people in bad situations more than empathize.

 

I'm not blaming our partners either. I take reponsibility for my own choices and actions.

I don't trust anyone so sometimes I feel like other people are a little stupid when they do. I don't mean to feel that way, I just do.

[hayleym]

I really really hope your wrong ( and I think you are, you're just trying to get yourself to believe it, maybe to ease your conscience, maybe not since you said you don't feel guilt), I do not believe its all that common that the OW/OM is sleeping with their friends wife/husband.

 

I feel pretty shi**y about myself and the A and the hurt I caused. I could not imagine sleeping with a friends husband. I know many people don't believe OW/OM have lines they wont cross in the A, but there's 2 I could never imagine

 

1. Sleeping with my friends husband

2. Having sex in my home or xMM home

 

At the time of my A, although I knew xMM BW, I only saw her a couple times at work events, and even then we never spoke, I couldn't imagine being on a friendly basis, much less friends with her.

 

If all you want is sex outside your marriage, find someone whose not your friends husband.

 

When this blows up, and it will, you will lose more than you can imagine.

 

I have totally no problem seeing and talking to her. And very little issue with seeing or talking to my husband right after either. More with him than her. Ill feel guilty when I'm with him sometimes I mean. My husband.

With her I just don't even think about it negatively, unless she brings certain things up. He would be sleeping with someone else if not me, I think that sometimes too. Because she is very uptight about sex and because of what she claims is a medical issue all but refuses to have it at all. And according to him he thinks about it non stop and I've seen first hand over two years he needs it all the time and if I wasn't giving it to him and he didn't get it at home I just don't see how he thinks he wouldn't look elsewhere.

He says he wouldn't be but again, I don't trust anyone.

 

But I can easily talk to her. I guess that's alarming? Honestly I feel sometimes like if I didn't talk to her all the time and know her so well I wouldn't feel as confident as I do.

 

I would know the second she had a suspicion about him, I always know where she or he is and him the same about me and my husband. It works.

 

Their bed or my bed doesn't bother me either. People say that's probably a sexual thrill for the married man ! Well not gonna lie, it's not the intent but it is a very dirty sexy thought.

 

I absolutely am emotionally involved and so is he but its a lot about the crazy sex, it's a love affair, it's supposed to be intense.

Edited November 11, 2013 by hayleym

[Artie Lang]

It's far from only about sex.

 

so if it's more than that, why don't you two divorce and start anew as a couple? right now you two are just cake-eating and taking advantage of your SO's trusting nature.

 

this is just horrible on so many levels.

[yellowmaverick]

I've been reading a lot on here and other forums lately and I'm surprised how shocked people are when they discover someone they know has been in affair, or their own partner.

 

Really, I guess I must just think differently than other people. I've had people label me a lot of things after hearing my story. They don't really bother me because I'm pretty confident in my ability to keep the one life separate from the next. Most who know me wouldn't believe the things I'm capable of hiding.

 

Most wouldn't believe the things most people are capable of hiding. We all have secrets but some people obviously have more.

 

A few women here have admitted to knowing the wife of their other man. They are some how much worse than any of the other women who are placing themselves in another woman's marriage, simply because they know the wife too? Or can lie easier or what? Is it because the wife would be some how MORE hurt if she found out? What's your reasoning for it being worse?

 

Insult to injury? I've heard that one. I still don't think I'm worse than anyone else who lies. I'm just different.

 

I'm in an ongoing affair with my best friends husband.

They are more like family.

 

We want it to continue as long as possible with nobody finding out, if it gets out of control we will try to take a break but we are having fun. It's fun.. That's how I would describe it. I have no intention to hurt her or my husband, I don't want to ruin our marriages, I just want to have someone else to confide in and have sex with. That's the extent of it, he's amazing, sexy, charming and basically my other half. His wife is pretty cool to and one of the best friends I've ever had, she is great to be around, and my husband although we mix like oil and water sometimes, loves me and I love him.

 

I'm getting pretty much exactly what I want from the affair. If I had to complain it would be that I do compare my husband to the other guy to much, they have very different qualities and my husband is far from lacking, but I do find myself comparing.

Also I wish the other guy would give me more attention at certain times, but that's unrealistic in our situations and really it's just my over active need for attention than him not providing it.. Because he gives me lots of attention.

 

I could just always use more.

 

I think friends sleeping with friends husbands / wives/ girlfriends or boyfriends is probably much more common than people think.

 

In our case it's been two years of every single time his wife or my husband went out of town, and many times in between.

 

The common advice here is that every affair ends in a dday. I really really find it hard to believe that even the people giving those statements believe that?

 

Things happen every day that are never discovered.

 

I don't know if I need advice.

My relationship with my husband isn't perfect, neither is my relationship with my lover, but both are pretty great.

 

My most challenging relationship is with myself. I'm confused a lot, but I don't really feel guilty. If I knew for a fact we wouldn't ever be found out I don't think I'd feel any guilt at all actually.. Because I really do feel like they won't be hurt if they don't know. So far so good.

 

My advice to anyone else? Don't trust anyone.

 

May I ask what feedback you were hoping or expecting? Did you post your story simply for the shock value, or did you expect a big ol' "you go, girl"?

 

If your story is true, it's revolting......and I say that in the most supporting manner, of course.

[ComingInHot]

haven't read any replies yet but wanted to respond as after reading the opener I can see this thread Not lasting long*lol*

 

Actually hymen, it really isn't shocking anymore to me either. The further away from pure, good, kind living, the farther into depravity our society and the human race falls. Some people call it "self actualization" or making sure the needs of "self" come first at all cost, regardless of the damage done to others.

 

It makes me sad but shocked? No. Haylem, I completely see why you are able to do the things you do w/no remorse or conscience, I wish I could help you gain (what I feel) is your loss of humanity, but if I'm right, You don't think you've lost or are lacking in anything.

 

I can Not relate But I do understand. You are not alone*

[violet1]

I'm also an MW who's in an affair with an MM. This may sound hypocritical, but I think it's horrible to sleep with your BFF's husband. I'm not happily married and planning on divorce in the future. I already feel bad enough about what I'm doing to my husband. The emotions, guilt, and confusion eat me alive at times. I can't imagine betraying a friend like this on top of it. Sleeping with her husband on their bed? Seriously? With friends like you, she certainly doesn't need any enemies. If you're going to have an affair, whatever it's your choice. Why would you do it with your best friend's husband? Good, long term friendships are so hard to find. Romantic relationships, marriages, etc come and go, but your friends are suppose to last forever.

 

As far as getting caught goes, never believe it won't happen to you. All it takes is one slip. I haven't had a D Day but I'm not naive enough to think it won't and can't happen. If you get caught, you will lose it all. Don't think for one minute that your friend's husband won't throw you under the bus. I was on a few forums specifically waywards for a long time and believe or not most cheaters are NOT okay with social circle affairs.

[janedoe67]

I'm very interested in if that means I'm a sociopath, I feel bad for people lots, people would describe me as very comforting and empathetic, but maybe I'm just good at using that to my advantage. I've noticed myself doing that lots in my life.

 

I pity people in bad situations more than empathize.

 

I'm not blaming our partners either. I take reponsibility for my own choices and actions.

I don't trust anyone so sometimes I feel like other people are a little stupid when they do. I don't mean to feel that way, I just do.

 

Clinically speaking, all of this does sound very much like what a sociopath would say.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

ugh.

 

Surprising? no

Original? no

 

Still, makes me just hate humans sometimes. Double betrayal by 2 people who are supposed to love you the most and have your back.

 

Vile.

[Quiet Storm]

It brings to mind the saying "you're only as sick as your secrets".

 

What's not right about this is that you are robbing them of the opportunity to live an authentic life. They are living a false reality because of your need for attention and fun.

 

Do you not feel the guilt at all?

 

It could be that you were hurt badly, likely as a child, and you have learned to immediately detach from any uncomfortable feelings. Is your default reaction to guilt, fear, pain and disappointment is to go numb?

 

Hurt people, hurt people. Counseling could help you.

[MissBee]

I've been reading a lot on here and other forums lately and I'm surprised how shocked people are when they discover someone they know has been in affair, or their own partner.

 

Really, I guess I must just think differently than other people. I've had people label me a lot of things after hearing my story. They don't really bother me because I'm pretty confident in my ability to keep the one life separate from the next. Most who know me wouldn't believe the things I'm capable of hiding.

 

Most wouldn't believe the things most people are capable of hiding. We all have secrets but some people obviously have more.

 

A few women here have admitted to knowing the wife of their other man. They are some how much worse than any of the other women who are placing themselves in another woman's marriage, simply because they know the wife too? Or can lie easier or what? Is it because the wife would be some how MORE hurt if she found out? What's your reasoning for it being worse?

 

Insult to injury? I've heard that one. I still don't think I'm worse than anyone else who lies. I'm just different.

 

I'm in an ongoing affair with my best friends husband.

They are more like family.

 

We want it to continue as long as possible with nobody finding out, if it gets out of control we will try to take a break but we are having fun. It's fun.. That's how I would describe it. I have no intention to hurt her or my husband, I don't want to ruin our marriages, I just want to have someone else to confide in and have sex with. That's the extent of it, he's amazing, sexy, charming and basically my other half. His wife is pretty cool to and one of the best friends I've ever had, she is great to be around, and my husband although we mix like oil and water sometimes, loves me and I love him.

 

I'm getting pretty much exactly what I want from the affair. If I had to complain it would be that I do compare my husband to the other guy to much, they have very different qualities and my husband is far from lacking, but I do find myself comparing.

Also I wish the other guy would give me more attention at certain times, but that's unrealistic in our situations and really it's just my over active need for attention than him not providing it.. Because he gives me lots of attention.

 

I could just always use more.

 

I think friends sleeping with friends husbands / wives/ girlfriends or boyfriends is probably much more common than people think.

 

In our case it's been two years of every single time his wife or my husband went out of town, and many times in between.

 

The common advice here is that every affair ends in a dday. I really really find it hard to believe that even the people giving those statements believe that?

 

Things happen every day that are never discovered.

 

I don't know if I need advice.

My relationship with my husband isn't perfect, neither is my relationship with my lover, but both are pretty great.

 

My most challenging relationship is with myself. I'm confused a lot, but I don't really feel guilty. If I knew for a fact we wouldn't ever be found out I don't think I'd feel any guilt at all actually.. Because I really do feel like they won't be hurt if they don't know. So far so good.

 

My advice to anyone else? Don't trust anyone.

 

I think it makes sense that when people live deceitfully it is hard for them to trust others as they see everyone through the lens of their own behavior.

 

I don't trust indiscriminately and I also don't put cheating past anyone. I trust as I see fit, and give and pull back trust as actions warrant. I'm also very perceptive, intuitive and aware and for me, I find it incredibly hard to believe my spouse could be sleeping with my bestfriend or family member for years and I have NO clue.

 

I don't know this woman and what she is thinking and whether she suspects but ignores it or what is going on with her, but for me, I don't see that happening and me not having an inkling. But it's not impossible...just a bit improbable.

 

As for me? That's a line I will never cross as long as I am of sound mind. If I wanna sleep with someone's husband or bf, it won't be a friend's or relatives. Nope. For me, it's like sleeping with a child or my own relative. :sick:That's how I've conditioned myself to see it. My conscience wouldn't allow it. Even if somehow I hit my head and did it once, the guilt of it wouldn't allow me to smile in their face and continue being friends while continuing to sleep with their spouse. I don't understand it and wager one has something wrong beyond normal to be able to unabashedly keep this kind of thing up.

[Artie Lang]

to be honest, this sounds like a total troll thread.

 

if this is for real, the OP has a lot of soul-searching to do considering her actions toward her so-called "friend" are less than admirable.

 

for the life of me, i can't get away from the fact that you call/consider this person a friend, when what you are doing goes against any definition of what a friend should resemble. there is no friendship here..... only betrayal.

 

if this is true, you and this man should burn.

[hayleym]

I'm not evil. Would never ever set out to hurt someone.

But I will for sure go straight for what I want. I do so quietly though, and I care about people I don't just use them.

In our situation the chances of getting caught are small so I just don't see it as bad if they don't know and never will.

I'm not trying to sound rude I am just trying to be honest about how I feel and say I really doubt I'm the only person who feels like this.

 

I did not go after this guy, he came after me. And it's because when you like someone, and find them attractive and then spend a large amount of time together, and have the personality to give into temptation, I just assume it happens a lot.

 

I did not write here for shock value, I've just read a lot and like to share information and learn from others too. It's interesting the dynamics of it.

I am some how so much worse than most other women.

It doesn't bother me but I do have opinions about it.

 

Married men are made out to be only after one thing, or really, just thinking pretty much exactly how I think. They are made out to he such jerks.

It's an affair. One or both people are married.

That involved cheating and lying, right away, no one worse than the other, in my opinion, unless someone was getting physically hurt.

Edited November 12, 2013 by hayleym
I hate auto correct.

[hayleym]

to be honest, this sounds like a total troll thread.

 

if this is for real, the OP has a lot of soul-searching to do considering her actions toward her so-called "friend" are less than admirable.

 

for the life of me, i can't get away from the fact that you call/consider this person a friend, when what you are doing goes against any definition of what a friend should resemble. there is no friendship here..... only betrayal.

 

if this is true, you and this man should burn.

 

Whose definition? I am there for her in so many other ways, and likely will be for years and years to come and I don't mind at all that people here judge me.

 

I take care to make sure she never finds out. I want her and him together and me and my husband, in the long run.

[hayleym]

Clinically speaking, all of this does sound very much like what a sociopath would say.

 

I have no problem hearing that even. I am not a danger to anyone, I care about people. I keep my circle small.

My other man is exactly like me. I don't think we are so different from most people if they knew they wouldn't get caught, lots would do the same if they wanted.

[Spark1111]

I'm not evil. Would never ever set out to hurt someone.

But I will for sure go straight for what I want. I do so quietly though, and I care about people I don't just use them.

In our situation the chances of getting caught are small so I just don't see it as bad if they don't know and never will.

I'm not trying to sound rude I am just trying to be honest about how I feel and say I really doubt I'm the only person who feels like this.

 

I did not go after this guy, he came after me. And it's because when you like someone, and find them attractive and then spend a large amount of time together, and have the personality to give into temptation, I just assume it happens a lot.

 

I did not write here for shock value, I've just read a lot and like to share information and learn from others too. It's interesting the dynamics of it.

I am some how so much worse than most other women.

It doesn't bother me but I do have opinions about it.

 

Married men are made out to be only after one thing, or really, just thinking pretty much exactly how I think. They are made out to he such jerks.

It's an affair. One or both people are married.

That involved cheating and lying, right away, no one worse than the other, in my opinion, unless someone was getting physically hurt.

 

haleyM....keep reading HERE and stop reading at all those, it's ok, everyone is doing it affair sites.

 

Lives are destroyed, children are damaged and BSs take years to heal whether they divorce you or not.

 

You are risking it ALL and for what exactly?

[Grumpybutfun]

And it's because when you like someone, and find them attractive and then spend a large amount of time together, and have the personality to give into temptation, I just assume it happens a lot.

 

Haylem:

Is it the personality to give into temptation or the lack of values and insight? Consider this, OP. You may say that you feel nothing, but if you didn't, you wouldn't be writing on LS. Deep in your soul, you know that even if your spouse or your friend never find out, you have to live with this after the itch has been scratched to death and the OM is just a shell of the man you thought he was, because lies and deceit to those who trust you deplete the very fabric of who you are as a person. It may not be obvious or relevant to you today, but there will come a time when you will reflect on this chapter of your life and you will bow your head in shame.

Duplicity is not a game to anyone but you,

Grumps