not everyone who smiles at you is your friend

[cozycottagelg]

He doesn't owe me anything. The reason me and him work is because we don't expect anything of each other that we don't both want to freely give.

 

I was more referring to you being angry if he lied to you.

[felicity1]

 

If I knew for a fact we wouldn't ever be found out I don't think I'd feel any guilt at all actually.

 

My advice to anyone else? Don't trust anyone.

 

So if you were found out, you would all of a sudden feel guilty, the guilt would just pop out of nowhere? Of course you feel guilty! You are indeed a feeling human who is simply in DENIAL about your guilt. What you are really doing here is playing games with your own self to perpetuate a dysfunctional behaviour which was learnt in a distrusting, dysfunctional family.

 

If you were truly content with your situation you would not have a need to post here.

[hayleym]

Like I said. If I was cheated on or lied to I would be angry, hurt, pissed, but more so at myself for letting someone get one over on me.

 

I expect people to have secrets and lie. I expect that more than honesty, ive learned though people generally are not good liars. I am very good at picking out liars.

[hayleym]

Ok, I understand. But, Hayley, aren't you concerned with the possibility of contracting an std?

 

he may be honest with you within the A that you two have, but when he isn't with you, he may be with yet another person.

 

Yes! That's a real concern. That's something I take into to consideration about and have requested he get tested twice already. He has. So have I. He would use protection with someone else. He's concerned about std's too. It's actually me that's slept with other people during this time, not him.

[hayleym]

 

So if you were found out, you would all of a sudden feel guilty, the guilt would just pop out of nowhere? Of course you feel guilty! You are indeed a feeling human who is simply in DENIAL about your guilt. What you are really doing here is playing games with your own self to perpetuate a dysfunctional behaviour which was learnt in a distrusting, dysfunctional family.

 

If you were truly content with your situation you would not have a need to post here.

 

Well by definition I think I'd feel shame. I'd be upset I'd hurt them and put them in pain, I have never directly hurt someone before I wouldn't find pleasure in that. I have hurt people indirectly yes, but never with anyone's knowledge, so I would feel bad.

 

This will sound terrible, but I decided already I'd just flat out be honest here, I could fake remorse and guilt like nobody's business if and when it ever calls for that.

 

I don't regret starting this affair, I doubt I will if its discovered either. Ill regret that people are in pain but I can only assume how Id feel. If I was to die tomorrow, I would not regret the choices I made.

[Sub]

It's actually me that's slept with other people during this time, not him.

 

Wow. Further down the rabbit hole. Just curious, but have you talked to your H about an open marriage? Also, I'm assuming there are no children involved.

[hayleym]

I do not want to hurt anyone.

In the event of a dday though, if I am completely brutally honest, I would be most upset that the picture I've painted for the world of myself was altered. That's what I really truly believe. I don't know for sure, but I believe this.

[violet1]

I do agree that cheating is cheating. It's wrong in any case whether a person is unhappily marriage or not. It's wrong in my situation too. However, I do believe that double betrayals are worse. How would you feel if your husband and best friend were sleeping together in your bed behind your back? My husband cheated on me years ago. The reason I was able to forgive him was because the OW had no bearing on my life. I didn't know her and they didn't sleep together in my home. If you ask any BS, they will tell you double betrayals are worse. I hope you don't get caught because the truth will destroy your H and best friend. I suggest you read through different forums and stories on double betrayals.

[hayleym]

Wow. Further down the rabbit hole. Just curious, but have you talked to your H about an open marriage? Also, I'm assuming there are no children involved.

 

I don't want to give personal details about my family unit but yes I've brought up open marriage to my husband more indirectly. It's not an option. Largely because that would drastically affect the image I've created of myself.

He sees me a certain way. I don't want to change that.

 

He wouldn't be game for an open marriage anyway, but even if he was. Don't think that's the direction I would go.

[cozycottagelg]

I don't want to give personal details about my family unit but yes I've brought up open marriage to my husband more indirectly. It's not an option. Largely because that would drastically affect the image I've created of myself.

He sees me a certain way. I don't want to change that.

 

He wouldn't be game for an open marriage anyway, but even if he was. Don't think that's the direction I would go.

 

Is there a reason you aren't willing to live the life that you paint for the world to see? Or is there a reason you feel you need people to perceive you in a certain way?

[underwater2010]

I do not want to hurt anyone.

In the event of a dday though, if I am completely brutally honest, I would be most upset that the picture I've painted for the world of myself was altered. That's what I really truly believe. I don't know for sure, but I believe this.

After reading further and further through this thread I have come to a conclusion. You should NOT be married. You will never be able to be faithful with your attitude.

 

All I keep seeing is "ME, ME, ME". You are the epitome of an AP/cheater. Over inflated self esteem, dishonorable, and lacking in character.

 

You think that the world revolves around you and you alone. What you fail to realize is that you are a speck of sand on an endless beach. Most people don't give a crap about you and the portrait of yourself that you painted.

 

Why is it that you find it necessary to fake your way through life? Why not just be genuine and honest?

 

It must be so tiring living false sense of entitlement. What happened to you as a child that made living like this ok? Why such a defensive nature? As a child did you ever believe in rainbows, love and truth?

[hayleym]

Is there a reason you aren't willing to live the life that you paint for the world to see? Or is there a reason you feel you need people to perceive you in a certain way?

 

I'm not really sure. It started really really young. I had a very emotionally, physically and sexually abusive childhood and I was removed from the situation right before I turned 13 and just created myself from then on how I wanted others to see me.

 

We never discuss my past.

 

I don't with anyone.

I reveal different parts of myself to different people depending on a lot of factors. I don't attach to many, but I attach very strongly to those I know I can read and who make me happy. I make them happy to, I give them exactly what they need to be happy because I can pick up on that so well.

 

People are very predictable.

[Sub]

I don't want to give personal details about my family unit

I'll take that as a yes, then, to the kids.

[hayleym]

Is there a reason you aren't willing to live the life that you paint for the world to see? Or is there a reason you feel you need people to perceive you in a certain way?

 

If I was just myself all the time, I would have many people in my life at all. I've only ever found one person that was this much like me and understanding of me, and that's the other man. And I don't even share everything with him because people can't handle that kind of thing.

Eventually I believe I'll reveal it all to him but I doubt I ever will find another person in this life where that will be possible.

[felicity1]

 

I'd be upset I'd hurt them and put them in pain,

 

I could fake remorse and guilt like nobody's business

 

/QUOTE]

 

It is obvious you are in denial about your guilt/shame.

[hayleym]

[/b]

Why wouldn't you be open? Is it because you don't want other women enjoying your husband? Is it because an open marriage would come with a promise of transparency? Would your affair not be so exciting if it were out in the open and known?

 

I could share him. Would take practice but I am confident I could.

 

Yes, more the requirement of transparency. I wouldn't like that or cope well with that at all.

 

I like the way I am perceived by him and my community. And I like the way my other man knows the real me, but even he only knows the version I want him to know, it's the closest to my real self.

 

I am not at all comfortable with not having secrets. I've always had them, I'd feel lost without that.

[hayleym]

After reading further and further through this thread I have come to a conclusion. You should NOT be married. You will never be able to be faithful with your attitude.

 

All I keep seeing is "ME, ME, ME". You are the epitome of an AP/cheater. Over inflated self esteem, dishonorable, and lacking in character.

 

You think that the world revolves around you and you alone. What you fail to realize is that you are a speck of sand on an endless beach. Most people don't give a crap about you and the portrait of yourself that you painted.

 

Why is it that you find it necessary to fake your way through life? Why not just be genuine and honest?

 

It must be so tiring living false sense of entitlement. What happened to you as a child that made living like this ok? Why such a defensive nature? As a child did you ever believe in rainbows, love and truth?

 

It's not tiring. It's really easy.

It's all I've ever known.

 

I live life as if I could die today or tomorrow. I have no regrets.

[underwater2010]

It's not tiring. It's really easy.

It's all I've ever known.

 

I live life as if I could die today or tomorrow. I have no regrets.

I am sad for you....just as I am sad for the MOW in my situation. Both of you had a horrible childhood and never sought help in order to move on in life.

 

You seriously need to put your husband out of his misery. I know that he does not realize what he is dealing with yet, but he will. Get yourself some IC.

 

I live life as if I could die today or tomorrow. I have no regrets.

 

That is no way to live your life and will end with you being alone in the future.

[hayleym]

As a child did you ever believe in rainbows, love and truth?

 

Yes. I lived in a fantasy world as a kid where everything was perfect and happy all the time, I had to or I probably would have had a mental breakdown. There was no rainbows or love and truth in my reality.

I learned very very young that most people were nice inside but that everyone was capable of terrible things. Some leg themselves go there, others did not.

 

I taught myself to pick out who was who. I'm incredibly good at that. It was a survival mechanism. It worked and continues too

[hayleym]

 

I'd be upset I'd hurt them and put them in pain,

 

I could fake remorse and guilt like nobody's business

 

/QUOTE]

 

It is obvious you are in denial about your guilt/shame.

 

What am I in denial about? Please explain.

[Sub]

I taught myself to pick out who was who.

 

So, who or what is your husband?

[underwater2010]

I learned very very young that most people were nice inside but that everyone was capable of terrible things. Some leg themselves go there, others did not.

 

I taught myself to pick out who was who. I'm incredibly good at that. It was a survival mechanism. It worked and continues too

 

So you lock out those that could damage you....yet damage those that would do you no harm.

 

Its not working, otherwise you would NOT find yourself in this situation. All you have done is to avoid living a REAL life and finding all the happiness that it has to offer.

 

Make no mistake about it.....you have messed up this time. Because when it all comes out....and it will....you will have caused your own pain. Everyone will see you for who you truly are....and isn't that what you are afraid of most of all.

[hayleym]

I said the idea of self torture turns me on and that I'm intrigued by things like death and tortures, murder, but I don't get pleasure from them.

 

 

This contradiction displays your confusion.

 

I don't get pleasure from the idea of 'other' people being hurt or in pain. I do when I think of myself in those situations though. Other man is the same. We don't want to hurt other people.

We like pain inflicted on us, and we like the thought of it sometimes.

 

And I am intrigued by the physiological side of a murderer or rapist, when I read about that or watch on tv or where ever I'm thinking what the criminal is thinking it doing, not about the victim much and I feel bad and pity for get victim.

 

I wish nobody was ever hurt.

 

If its consensual hurt though, that I can get off on. I'm being honest, not trying to be shocking.

[hayleym]

So, who or what is your husband?

 

My husband can't and doesn't lie. He's a simple, wear your emotions on your face person. He's not very sensitive or emotional but he doesn't hide things and is very secure in who he is. He's selfish in his own ways but honest about it.

[Sub]

My husband can't and doesn't lie. He's a simple, wear your emotions on your face person. He's not very sensitive or emotional but he doesn't hide things and is very secure in who he is. He's selfish in his own ways but honest about it.

 

I meant what is he to you? If you can't be your "true" self with him, and only with the OM, why are you married?