not everyone who smiles at you is your friend

[Sub]

I think labels are so ridiculous.

 

So how do you feel about the label "married"?

[hayleym]

So how do you feel about the label "married"?

 

I'd rather I wasn't. But it's very convenient to be married in a lot of ways and I did feel at the time it was the right choice in order to get where I wanted to go in life.

 

I realize how callous this sounds. I realize I'm not supposed to feel the way I do. But I do.

 

I like how saying I'm married changes people opinion of who I am right away. It's a positive thing. And I also like my husbands commitment to me and our happiness. I know my role and play it. I'm a 'good' wife. I'd be labeled that by anyone that knows me. Definitely my husband. The me they see.

Edited November 12, 2013 by hayleym

[MissBee]

I do have genuine interest in how other people think. I do think sometimes I wish I could live a day in someone else's shoes too really see if there is much difference in how I would think or feel.

 

I don't stop doing things I want to do because someone else says its wrong or I shouldn't do it. If I can't do it openly, I do it quietly. I accepted that I'm a minority in our society I guess , so I submit to the point that I live my life appearing to follow all the rules. People like that. When you appear to follow all the rules.

 

That doesn't mean I really follow them. I don't even enjoy having to pretend I do but I've accepted it.

 

I think labels are so ridiculous. Including gay and straight or good and bad. People decided how others are supposed to act, and they decided labels for what's normal and what's not.

 

If I die tomorrow. I won't have regrets. I do what I want, usually that's acceptable with society, I'm not depraved, I am not crazy, I'm very controlled and high functioning.

But sometimes what I want goes against what 'most' 'good' people like. So I do that thing quietly.

 

It's interesting that you have to do it quietly instead of doing it out loud irrespective of who cares. It seems like you really value at least pretending to follow the rules and you really care that people think you do. Which the thing is: what will happen if you're found out? Will that matter?

 

Good and bad do exist. I think it's always people in the midst of doing hurtful things that ALWAYS are the ones who go on philosophizing about things aren't black and white, nothing is good or bad, people shouldn't judge etc. It's an argument for an end. You wanna do what you wanna do...which is fine, do it. But I don't think you should expect people to all of a sudden not make value judgments because you don't want to be judged or you in some weird way want to be seen as a good person who follows the rules even if you don't. This is actually a characteristic trait of sociopaths, since people brought it up before. Sociopaths are almost always high functioning and controlled actually: how you describe yourself is almost word for word how sociopathy is described:

 

 

Sociopaths have relatively normal temperaments; their personality disorder being more an effect of negative sociological factors like parental neglect, delinquent peers, poverty, and extremely low or extremely high intelligence.

 

Behavior: Controlled

Most high functioning sociopaths follow society's rules so they can reap the rewards of being a part of it, not because they believe in it.

 

Unlike psychopaths, sociopaths can be almost obsessively organized and are normal in their social relationships, often forming symbiotic or parasitic relations. A sociopath would likely live an outwardly normal life and appear to blend in well with society; they may even be charming.

 

Psychopath vs Sociopath - Difference and Comparison | Diffen

 

 

[ComingInHot]

heyleym wrote, " People are shocked and appalled by stories that don't compare to mine or the secrets I've kept and my husband would never look at me the same, neither would most who know me. I'm strong and confident in their eyes and that would be completely reversed. It's not something I expect anyone else to understand."

 

I totally get it though. It's the facade that is an endless and exhausting daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute to moment by moment maintainence job w/the payout immediate w/no time off for good behavior (because there is none), life w/out parole and when the Truth comes out... the emotional Death Penalty.

 

I KNOW this is working for you right now. I KNOW it is giving you what you Want that you believe you can't get any other honest way. I KNOW you have a "game plan" that you'd stake your life on will "work".

 

I KNOW THAT you are actually setting yourself up to lose everything you Want and truly become what you fear the most. Alone.

 

Haylem, Are You Going To Survive That?!!?

[hayleym]

It's interesting that you have to do it quietly instead of doing it out loud irrespective of who cares. It seems like you really value at least pretending to follow the rules and you really care that people think you do. Which the thing is: what will happen if you're found out? Will that matter?

 

Good and bad do exist. I think it's always people in the midst of doing hurtful things that ALWAYS are the ones who go on philosophizing about things aren't black and white, nothing is good or bad, people shouldn't judge etc. It's an argument for an end. You wanna do what you wanna do...which is fine, do it. But I don't think you should expect people to all of a sudden not make value judgments because you don't want to be judged or you in some weird way want to be seen as a good person who follows the rules even if you don't. This is actually a characteristic trait of sociopaths, since people brought it up before. Sociopaths are almost always high functioning and controlled actually: how you describe yourself is almost word for word how sociopathy is described:

 

Yes I don't get offended when people suggest I'm a sociopath because I've heard it before. I've read the definitions and ya I can accept it sounds a lot like me. And it doesn't bother me other than makes me curious to what I might feel like if I was like everyone else.

 

I don't have a perfectly even temperament. When I get emotional it's most likely anger or rage, but I can disguise that anger into whatever emotion I think the people around me are expecting. I started noticing I did that when I was only about 16. But it started much sooner.

[hayleym]

heyleym wrote, " People are shocked and appalled by stories that don't compare to mine or the secrets I've kept and my husband would never look at me the same, neither would most who know me. I'm strong and confident in their eyes and that would be completely reversed. It's not something I expect anyone else to understand."

 

I totally get it though. It's the facade that is an endless and exhausting daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute to moment by moment maintainence job w/the payout immediate w/no time off for good behavior (because there is none), life w/out parole and when the Truth comes out... the emotional Death Penalty.

 

I KNOW this is working for you right now. I KNOW it is giving you what you Want that you believe you can't get any other honest way. I KNOW you have a "game plan" that you'd stake your life on will "work".

 

I KNOW THAT you are actually setting yourself up to lose everything you Want and truly become what you fear the most. Alone.

 

Haylem, Are You Going To Survive That?!!?

 

It would be a really unfortunate thing if it came out. But I think would be ok. I'd be more worried about everyone else involved than myself. I would cope better than they would most likely. I don't want it to happen and work hard to avoid it.

[hayleym]

Someone made the comment that I am delusional if I think my friend would forgive me. I never said I thought she would?

I have no illusions about a happy ending, in the event we were caught.

[ComingInHot]

" I would cope better than they would most likely."

 

By up and disappearing. Extracting you and your kids from everything and everyone who becomes involved never to look back again.

Then live as if it never happened and teaching your children to live the same way.

 

You, in your head, Would be better off. I get that.

What about your kids? Do they already model after you or will you be leaving them too?

[velvette]

Yes I don't get offended when people suggest I'm a sociopath because I've heard it before. I've read the definitions and ya I can accept it sounds a lot like me. And it doesn't bother me other than makes me curious to what I might feel like if I was like everyone else.

 

I don't have a perfectly even temperament. When I get emotional it's most likely anger or rage, but I can disguise that anger into whatever emotion I think the people around me are expecting. I started noticing I did that when I was only about 16. But it started much sooner.

 

 

So you've built a whole fake life to keep that rage at bay?

 

Why don't you have the courage to get to the bottom of that rage and be who you were meant to be before life dealt you a crappy hand as a child?

 

What will you do if one day that rage cant be contained any longer(that's usually what happens btw) and boils over?

[hayleym]

So you've built a whole fake life to keep that rage at bay?

 

Why don't you have the courage to get to the bottom of that rage and be who you were meant to be before life dealt you a crappy hand as a child?

 

What will you do if one day that rage cant be contained any longer(that's usually what happens btw) and boils over?

 

I didn't say I'm angry all the time or have uncontrollable rage or anything like that. I was just responding to another post about sociopathic traits where it said something about even temperament.

I just said when I do react emotionally, it's usually because I'm angry, but in some situations the normal reaction for other people wouldn't be anger so I just change my outward appearance to suit the need at the time. It's second nature.

 

Sounds weird. I've always done it. For a while I think I was convinced everyone did the same thing. Only as I got older did I realize that's not "normal"

[hayleym]

Like if I found out I had been cheated on, I would be angry that I had been lied to and that someone was able to get that by me.

 

If I get in a fender bender, I'm mad it happened, not scared or shaken up, I'm angry.

 

Situations like that and others where it would make more sense for a woman like me to be sad or crushed or something like that than angry, I just go with that. I smile and nobody knows I'm upset at all.

 

I don't feel that I'm bottled up with rage by any means. If anything I'm passive aggressive and things I hide like the affair is a release.

[velvette]

Like if I found out I had been cheated on, I would be angry that I had been lied to and that someone was able to get that by me.

 

If I get in a fender bender, I'm mad it happened, not scared or shaken up, I'm angry.

 

Situations like that and others where it would make more sense for a woman like me to be sad or crushed or something like that than angry, I just go with that. I smile and nobody knows I'm upset at all.

 

I don't feel that I'm bottled up with rage by any means. If anything I'm passive aggressive and things I hide like the affair is a release.

 

Yeah I get it. When you have a wound from childhood abuse, every minor thing that happens to you feels like an assault and for many the default emotion is anger/rage skipping very quickly over hurt. Anger is a covering emotion for hurt.

 

Still, you didn't answer me.........whats the point. Everything about you is fake. Why not go to counseling resolve the issues related to your abuse and find out who you really are so you can live an authentic life?

 

BTW I get that your anger is not out of control now. But........it will build and when you least expect it life will likely deal you a blow or two or three at the same time that make it boil over into uncontrollable rage. What then?

[hayleym]

Yeah I get it. When you have a wound from childhood abuse, every minor thing that happens to you feels like an assault and for many the default emotion is anger/rage skipping very quickly over hurt. Anger is a covering emotion for hurt.

 

Still, you didn't answer me.........whats the point. Everything about you is fake. Why not go to counseling resolve the issues related to your abuse and find out who you really are so you can live an authentic life?

 

BTW I get that your anger is not out of control now. But........it will build and when you least expect it life will likely deal you a blow or two or three at the same time that make it boil over into uncontrollable rage. What then?

 

I'm happy more than I'm not. I don't need counselling to fix anything.

 

I have a pretty good life, anything most women my age would ever want. I'm ok with my situation.

 

It's not hard and not exhausting to live the way I do, this is my normal.

 

I'm not happy 100 of the time, but nobody is.

[velvette]

I'm happy more than I'm not. I don't need counselling to fix anything.

 

I have a pretty good life, anything most women my age would ever want. I'm ok with my situation.

 

It's not hard and not exhausting to live the way I do, this is my normal.

 

I'm not happy 100 of the time, but nobody is.

 

wow......I don't know anyone who would want to be living the way you are living.....but ok

 

btw......I doubt if those close to you think you are normal.....they sense there is something off about you........they just don't know what yet.

 

at least when it all blows up, you know the root cause of it....so you can go to counseling then and get help in dealing with the abuse in a healthy way

 

good luck

[ComingInHot]

When no one is around and everything is quiet, are you ever happy being with yourself knowing what you know of yourself? Or do you try to "fill" those quiet moments with something, Anything so as not to "feel" alone? To Not have to think of Anything that has to do w/yourself? Or is that time spent planning creative new ways to make others believe you're someone you're not?

 

Not asking to be mean* Just trying to figure out how deep your pain & fear go. I'm starting to think waaay deeper than I thought and you realize.

 

Again, I'm am SO Sorry that you suffered to the point of sacrificing so much of your humanity for make believe love and friendships. I'm angry at those who had a hand in it and I'm heartbroken for your children, H and relationships because, right now, you can't be...

[AlwaysGrowing]

As a person who also had a horrific childhood, I understand the not trusting other people. If your own parents are your abusers....it really sets the stage for the rest of humanity in a childs mind.

 

I had to get help to heal from it. I had to get to a place where I knew with every fiber of my being...that the actions of others does not say one thing about me. Even if they hurt me. Its theirs to own. If they abuse...they are the abuser...does not speak to who or what I might or might not have done. If they lie...its speaks to their character..not that I was weak somehow. I learned to place the responsibility where it belonged...with the person who is using the poor coping skill/abuse. PERIOD.

 

I also found it extremely important to not be anything like my abusers. That is why I will not physically or emotionally hurt another. It would mean that I was just like them. No thank you. Not interested.

[felicity1]

 

What am I in denial about? Please explain.

Hayleym: "I'd be upset I'd hurt them.....I could fake remorse and guilt....."

 

What I read here is that you would be truly "upset" about hurting others, but then you tell us the opposite, that you're faking being "upset", you're negating/taking back what you truly feel. This behaviour is typical of a person who is in denial. Your inner self wants to face the truth ie:you feel "upset", but your protective instincts need to stamp out your feeling as it's a threat for you to feel, it's dangerous to feel, it's too painful to face the truth about yourself.

[felicity1]

 

I don't feel that I'm bottled up with rage by any means.

 

If anything I'm passive aggressive and things I hide like the affair is a release.

 

Again you make contradictory comments about yourself:

 

Passive aggressive people are passive aggressive because they harbour rage/anger/aggression.

 

The affair is a secret. To keep a secret is the opposite of "release".

 

Can you see how your inner self(truthful self) and your defensive self(the part of you that cannot cope with your truth) are at war with each other?

[yellowmaverick]

heyleym wrote, " People are shocked and appalled by stories that don't compare to mine or the secrets I've kept and my husband would never look at me the same, neither would most who know me. I'm strong and confident in their eyes and that would be completely reversed. It's not something I expect anyone else to understand."

 

I totally get it though. It's the facade that is an endless and exhausting daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute to moment by moment maintainence job w/the payout immediate w/no time off for good behavior (because there is none), life w/out parole and when the Truth comes out... the emotional Death Penalty.

 

I KNOW this is working for you right now. I KNOW it is giving you what you Want that you believe you can't get any other honest way. I KNOW you have a "game plan" that you'd stake your life on will "work".

 

I KNOW THAT you are actually setting yourself up to lose everything you Want and truly become what you fear the most. Alone.

 

Haylem, Are You Going To Survive That?!!?

 

:laugh: CIH, I am laughing at your post because, honest to God, every time you post a reply to hayleym, you spell her name differently. You crack me up!! Otherwise - good post!!

[ComingInHot]

I try though I really do. I'm in a rush the majority of the time and from my phone it's impossible!! lol

I re-read one post to her and noticed my auto correct respelled it to Hymen!

 

I mean REALLY!!

[hayleym]

 

Again you make contradictory comments about yourself:

 

Passive aggressive people are passive aggressive because they harbour rage/anger/aggression.

 

The affair is a secret. To keep a secret is the opposite of "release".

 

Can you see how your inner self(truthful self) and your defensive self(the part of you that cannot cope with your truth) are at war with each other?

 

The release part is the sexual thrill. It does feel very much like a release. For example I left the house this morning after an argument with my husband, we still said our I love you's like normal, he was angry at me but didn't even notice how upset I was by some of what he said. I left for my 'appointment' , twenty minutes ago I left from meeting my other man. I feel great now, not at all upset with my husband and I'll finish my day, go home to him, make dinner then meet my other mans wife for spin class this evening.

 

I know I should feel gross or frustrated or upset with myself. I know that's how I'm supposed to feel? Or I'm told this. But I feel good. Confident. Beautiful and ready to take on the day.

 

I don't feel guilty. I don't feel bad.

[hayleym]

When no one is around and everything is quiet, are you ever happy being with yourself knowing what you know of yourself? Or do you try to "fill" those quiet moments with something, Anything so as not to "feel" alone? To Not have to think of Anything that has to do w/yourself? Or is that time spent planning creative new ways to make others believe you're someone you're not?

 

Not asking to be mean* Just trying to figure out how deep your pain & fear go. I'm starting to think waaay deeper than I thought and you realize.

 

Again, I'm am SO Sorry that you suffered to the point of sacrificing so much of your humanity for make believe love and friendships. I'm angry at those who had a hand in it and I'm heartbroken for your children, H and relationships because, right now, you can't be...

 

When everything is quiet is when I sometimes cry. But not often. Sometimes I do because I am confused why nobody else is like me. But I do that less since meeting him.

Sometimes I'll out loud ask myself. Who are you?? Sometimes Ill go over what's happened, but I'm not very affected by it. Not like people would think I should be at all.

[hayleym]

As a person who also had a horrific childhood, I understand the not trusting other people. If your own parents are your abusers....it really sets the stage for the rest of humanity in a childs mind.

 

I had to get help to heal from it. I had to get to a place where I knew with every fiber of my being...that the actions of others does not say one thing about me. Even if they hurt me. Its theirs to own. If they abuse...they are the abuser...does not speak to who or what I might or might not have done. If they lie...its speaks to their character..not that I was weak somehow. I learned to place the responsibility where it belonged...with the person who is using the poor coping skill/abuse. PERIOD.

 

I also found it extremely important to not be anything like my abusers. That is why I will not physically or emotionally hurt another. It would mean that I was just like them. No thank you. Not interested.

 

I told myself for a long time that what happened to me didn't even happen. Tried to just pretend it didn't. When that stopped working I tried to be the opposite of those people, super loving and emotional and sensitive to kids animals and people who needed love.. But the thing is I had to always teach myself how I was supposed to feel. Emotions like that don't just come natural, I've watched how other people are, decide who I want to be like and I creates a character.

 

I played those characters so long I tricked myself into thinking its who I really was. Then more things happened and I started realizing what I was doing.

 

I don't want to be like an abuser of course not.

 

But if I'm brutally honest, I want to at least have some control over the pain I'm put in. I seek it out now, that pain, so I can decide when and how it happens. Psychological pain .. Because there is some of course because of what I'm doing, but at least it's my own doing and I control it as best I can.. And physical pain makes me feel alive.

[hayleym]

I try though I really do. I'm in a rush the majority of the time and from my phone it's impossible!! lol

I re-read one post to her and noticed my auto correct respelled it to Hymen!

 

I mean REALLY!!

 

If it helps my name is just Hayley

[underwater2010]

Can I ask why you are so opposed to IC?