not everyone who smiles at you is your friend

[ladydesigner]

How many years later? I've said the nervous breakdown thing to myself in the past, when ill get overwhelming moments of anger or where I cry and shake, but I think sometimes even those emotions aren't really real. I can't explain it.

 

hayleym these emotions are very real and may be overwhelming to you. I am a fMOW and current BS. I have just recently been told by my doctor that I am most likely BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I was sexually abused by my half-brother and gang raped in high school. I believe I developed this personality disorder from the abuse I suffered at 6 years old. It may be helpful to look into seeing an IC that can help you navigate through your feelings and concerns. It will even help you through your A.

 

Reading many of your posts I can somewhat identify. I believe I can numb my emotions when I need to and at other times feel them so strongly I can barely keep it under control.

 

It's good you are reaching out to talk to others. That is a great start.

[janedoe67]

 

I think I know what you're getting at. You mean they're treating you like a scapegoat, the person who gets the blame for everything, right? Many therapists have scapegoated me.

 

I think a lot of it was that the idea of me not seeing the world through their paradigm was just too mindblowing....so they had to invent a reason for it.

[hayleym]

The only thing I have in common with my abusers is, I take what I want.

 

What I want, is vastly different than what they wanted.

[Owl]

The only thing I have in common with my abusers is, I take what I want.

 

What I want, is vastly different than what they wanted.

 

That doesn't matter.

 

Its the same thing, because you're taking something at the expense of someone who trusts you to love them, honor them, and whom you owe some measure of honesty to.

 

But you violate that trust to get what you WANT.

 

You are selfishly doing what you want, at the emotional devestation of someone who is helpless to prevent it.

 

How is that different? How does that make what you're doing OK, or in any way 'better'?

 

Just because you were abused...it makes your actions ok???

 

NON SEQUITER

[violet1]

 

Hayley is not weak, she is carrying a traumatized, petrified little girl within her(inner child) who was not protected. I believe in time Hayley, you will begin to hear her cries and you will have no choice but to give her the unconditional love and nuture she missed out on. This is what healing from child abuse is.

 

Ummmm....I have to agree to disagree with you. I was also severely abused as a child and my mother was murdered by my step dad when I was a teen. I wish my story was fake BTW. The choice to hurt other people instead of dealing with past pain is weak. The OP has mentioned many times that she has no desire to change. The abused becomes the abuser if they don't get help. How many times do you read about child molestors who were also molested as a child? Bad things happen to good, innocent people. What happens to us is irrelevant. It's how we choose to overcome it that matters. Hayley has a choice. She can deal with her past and become a healthy mother, wife and human being. Or she can continue the charade. Eventually, her true colors will come out. The ones who trust her will see who she really is and I guarantee she will lose everything if she doesn't stop her behavior soon.

 

My my mom was very verbally abusive to me as child. I tried to bottle all of my past pain up. I never talked to anyone about my past. I also became verbally abusive. My sibling OTOH, went a different route. He wasn't afraid to talk about it. In return, he has developed very healthy coping skills. I'm striving to do the same. In fact, I ended my affair. I justified my cheating in many ways. I'm still planning on divorce, but my choice to have an affair was NOT okay. I decided it was time to end the cycle of abuse. Cheating is abuse and I didn't want to believe that at first, but it's true. Go ahead Hayley continue to take away your friend and husband's choices and freedom away from them just like your abusers did you. I'm sorry, you are no different. I'm so sick of people using their abusive childhood as a crutch. My stepdaughter's mom does the same thing. She refuses to change and continues to stay the way she is because she's the victim. My stepdaughter wants nothing to do with her and the bio mom can't figure out why. Seriously!?!

[janedoe67]

I was abused when I was 11 and not only sexually but I was tortured physically and psychologically in a way that it is still hounding me today (PTSD).

You have little to non influence in what other people do to you but you have all the influence and responsibility in what you do to other people and in how you decide to face the issues that come to you in life.

 

OP has chosen the tormentor/persecutor role, that is a choice... her choice and responsibility and she carries the full responsibility about that decision...

 

You can't justify hurting others because someone else hurt you first, you just can't.

 

The OP has made no statement indicating she justifies it and has made it clear she would not "use" her abuse as an excuse.

 

It's all the other pop psychologists claiming to "know" what she is feeling who are doing that.

[velvette]

How does a person do that?? How would you go back and relive things like that and what good what it do at all. I felt sick even imagining that.

 

Ideally a person does this with a therapist who has extensive experience in dealing with survivors of childhood abuse. They have the training and have seen enough patients to understand all the different dysfunctional ways that people cope with this particular kind of trauma.

 

You would not be that unusual to them imo.

 

You would need to talk to them about what happened to you and they would guide you in exploring how you felt then and help you process those feelings so that you can integrate them into your psyche and be ok with them rather than having to repress them.

 

Its a process of validating your feelings, owning them and talking back to the feelings that are based on faulty or child like reasoning you may have employed at the time.

 

Sometimes if your memories are not clear or if you are too disturbed by talking about it hypnosis is useful. It allows you to feel safe while you process.

 

It would involve talking about your coping skills, exploring alternative ones and learning those.

 

A successful result would be you feeling release(probably the same as you feel now from your A). You would likely feel more secure and safe and you wouldn't worry as much about trusting others because you would know you could trust yourself to take care of you.

 

You would be able to be yourself rather than the persona you have created.

 

Why does it make you feel sick?

[hayleym]

It makes me feel sick be because I like to be in control of how I feel.

I can't imagine a situation where I will decide to try again. But right now I don't intend to change much.

 

So I don't think any IC would be much use. I wouldn't take it seriously. Even though I may want to I just can't see it.

 

I like my situation.

[hayleym]

My abuse was mostly physical and sexual at the end and I was removed from the situation. I've been around nothing but loving great people since and I'm not using abuse as an excuse.

At all. I wasn't the person who brought it up. I know right from wrong based on how the vast majority of people see it. I'm not confused. I'm not a victim of his seduction. I made my bed, if I got caught Id lie in it.

 

I'm very aware of what's happening. It's very locked down and controlled. I don't feel bad about it. I know I'm supposed to.

 

I just don't think I'm the only person like that. People say they feel guilty, but do they really or is it because they are told they should.

[velvette]

It makes me feel sick be because I like to be in control of how I feel.

I can't imagine a situation where I will decide to try again. But right now I don't intend to change much.

 

So I don't think any IC would be much use. I wouldn't take it seriously. Even though I may want to I just can't see it.

 

I like my situation.

 

I get it. But, what I also know is that all the feelings you have pushed down will likely not stay pushed down forever. Who knows how they will come out. Based on what you've shared it will likely be a breakdown when your life implodes as a result of your A.

 

Or, they will start leaking out as a result of this A when you get more and more attached to MM and the relief you feel from being "known".

 

However, it happens, most people are not able to successfully repress the anger, pain, shame of childhood abuse for a lifetime.

 

Better to go to therapy and control how you deal with it than letting it eventually control you in a very destructive way that you don't want. Its controlling you now already in ways you've trained yourself to be ok with.....I just don't think that will work for you forever.......you're already leaking.

 

Why did you go to therapy the first time?

[felicity1]

 

However, it happens, most people are not able to successfully repress the anger, pain, shame of childhood abuse for a lifetime.

 

.....you're already leaking.

 

Why did you go to therapy the first time?

 

 

People don't post here b/c they are happy. They've got relationship issues, that's why they post. Hayley acknowledged from the start that she is "confused", that's why she posted and why she "doesn't realize" this is why she posted. When she says she does not want to change, it is in defiance to posters' angry replies. She is behaving as a child would to adult authority(when a child is abused their emotional growth is retarded while the physical self continues to grow). Her inner child is searching for proper role models to guide her(which she has obviously missed somewhere along the way in her childhood, even though she denies this), hence the particular dynamic she has(subconcsiously) set up between herself and replying posters. Hayley needs a trained therapist who knows how to do this, not a mob of angry posters.

Edited November 16, 2013 by felicity1

[hayleym]

 

People don't post here b/c they are happy. They've got relationship issues, that's why they post. Hayley acknowledged from the start that she is "confused", that's why she posted and why she "doesn't realize" this is why she posted. When she says she does not want to change, it is in defiance to posters' angry replies. She is behaving as a child would to adult authority(when a child is abused their emotional growth is retarded while the physical self continues to grow). Her inner child is searching for proper role models to guide her(which she has obviously missed somewhere along the way in her childhood, even though she denies this), hence the particular dynamic she has(subconcsiously) set up between herself and replying posters. Hayley needs a trained therapist who knows how to do this, not a mob of angry posters.

 

I've always had issues with authority and that describes well. I know that. I've always been much more likely to want something that Im told I can't have.

[hayleym]

I've never said I had full trust in the other man. I'm aware he could be the one to blow it all open. I just feel the chances are low because he has just as much or more to lose than I do, I also have pretty solid proof how it all started and have never had the worry others have mentioned, being thrown under the bus.

 

I know what's likely to happen if we get caught and I'm not in denial about his bad it would be.

[Woggle]

I fully agree with you but I know people who through their actions over time have proven themselves to be trustworthy. That is something not easily earned with me.

[violet1]

 

I'm very aware of what's happening. It's very locked down and controlled. I don't feel bad about it. I know I'm supposed to.

 

I just don't think I'm the only person like that. People say they feel guilty, but do they really or is it because they are told they should.

 

I didn't feel guilt for the typical reasons. I felt guilt because there are certain things I've always felt strongly about. 1) I was always an honest and trustworthy person. I loved that about myself. Having an affair turned me into a liar. 2) I strongly believe you should treat people how you want to be treated. I've been cheated on and I didn't like it. I don't want to be in another unfaithful relationship in my future. I also believe in karma- what comes around goes around. 3) Living the double life was hurting me physically and emotionally. I couldn't sleep, it affected my job. The worries of being caught and hurting people are so not worth it. I fell in love with my exMM, but I had to let him go because I didn't want to live like this any longer. I even hated looking myself in the mirror.

 

You see, people don't always feel bad just because it's morally wrong or unaccepted by society. I know people like you. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that you won't feel anything unless you get caught and actually see then pain on your loved ones faces. I just think that's sad...

[William]

Good morning,

 

Moderation stopped by to clean up some responses to members who were banned yesterday in a similar infidelity topic and found some more incursions and we'll get those processed. Our head moderator has instructed us to become more direct in dealing with repetitive behaviors which are inconsistent with the purposes of our forums, as outlined by the site owner, so such processing of threads is part of that.

 

I went back and read the opening posting and it appears valid for this forum and a topic consistent with the purposes of LoveShack. Conforming responses are welcomed. Thanks and continue!

[twosadthings]

I've lost count of the number of times you said "if I die tomorrow". Are you afraid of dying and the unknown and cope by "whistling past the graveyard"? You have indicated you can and will handle the fallout if you are discovered, perhaps your questions about being a sociopath get you cover now and in an uncertain future life.

 

When you live your life as if there is no tomorrow how can you ever get close to people you love? Actually, do you love anyone?

 

Twosadthings

[hayleym]

I've lost count of the number of times you said "if I die tomorrow". Are you afraid of dying and the unknown and cope by "whistling past the graveyard"? You have indicated you can and will handle the fallout if you are discovered, perhaps your questions about being a sociopath get you cover now and in an uncertain future life.

 

When you live your life as if there is no tomorrow how can you ever get close to people you love? Actually, do you love anyone?

 

Twosadthings

 

I feel like I love them. But I don't know really how to explain that I feel I love them but I will do what makes me happy, as long as I am not directly hurting anyone, I will, regardless of my feelings for them.

 

Dying tomorrow is a constant thought in my head. I am in my twenties still so that may seem odd, but in the last three years I've lots several people who I was close too, all my age. It did seem to affect my outlook on things as well. This situation with this specific guy started shortly after we both went through a trauma together, may have something to do with it. Not using it as an excuse.

 

I don't get close to very many people. The ones I am it's a overly attached kind of situation and people always leave in my experience, even when it's beyond their control, it's still hard to accept and so I keep a distance.

[Mcle]

I think you are trying to self destruct in the worst possible way. It probably comes from the self hatred you have related to your past abuse. When this blows up the pain your husband will experience will likely actually make you feel good temporarily in a sick way. He feels what you cannot.

 

You think that your facade makes everyone in your life happy. That is only true until your mask slips. When it does, if your husband is healthy he will erase you from his life. There will be no "happy" memories of you as he will come to know they were not real and will erase them as well. So you will become nothing to him, which is likely what you feel like deep down due to your abuse, nothing. Please get help.

[felicity1]

 

...you won't feel anything unless you get caught and actually see then pain on your loved ones faces.

 

 

.....and this is why Hayley is doing what she's doing. But she is already feeling pain(which she is in denial about) otherwise she would not have a need to put herself in this precarious situation. As another poster has already mentioned, Hayley needs to inflict pain on herself and I add, in an effort to make sense of her past abuse, the same as for example the reason for self-mutilation.

Edited November 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed code

[manticore]

so, you will have no probem with your husband sleeping around, with your sister or other close friend of you, because as you say in your first post is more common of what people think and they will be just having fun?