Having trouble with my feelings in a friendship

[Lokie]

I am really struggling with some emotions that have surprisingly come up. I have been friends with S for a little over a year. We bonded over being single, among other things. We meet up about once a week and usually have a great time together.

 

I have been troubled by her inability to be alone (she schedules things back to back and is afraid to be in her own head) as well as her incapacity to be around couples due to her being jealous of them. But she is an adult and is in therapy, and I realize it's not my business. And I know I am far from perfect and I'm sure there are things about me she is concerned about too.

 

She has been on about 3-4 OLD sites for over a year and recently met someone. I knew that one of us would meet someone (hopefully both of us) eventually and I had hoped that it would be her first because of her envy of couples.

 

But blow me down, I AM the one now filled with envy. Her new relationship (2 dates) is apparently everything she has been seeking and is the most intense thing both of them has ever felt. She is incapable of being present without talking or obsessing about him right now and I don't know if I can't hang through this. I have been honest with her about this, and she has been honest with me. I can only identify this as being envious, which is surprising me as this feeling does not usually come up for me. I have had countless friends get married, buy homes, get promotions, etc. and I've always felt great for them and happy for their success.

 

My instinct is to cut this friendship off because I am uncomfortable, but I am trying everything I can to show up for her, even though I am really confused by my feelings.

 

I know an easy reply to this post would be "get over it. be happy for your friend. you're being an a**hole," but I am hoping for some responses from people who have experienced this before and have survived it, and hopefully a little support.

 

Thanks,

L

[Lokie]

Anyone? (She said sheepishly.)

[CC12]

I can only identify this as being envious, which is surprising me as this feeling does not usually come up for me.

 

Are you sure it's envy you're feeling, and not annoyance that she can't seem to shut up about this guy she's only been on two dates with? It's nice that she's excited about the new guy, but if that's all she can talk about, then she's not being a very good conversationalist or friend.

 

You said you were honest with her about your feelings. So she knows it bothers you, but she still talks about him? I don't think you should stop being friends with her over this (yet) but you should try to guide the conversations. Listen to her if she's talking about something significant or giving an update on him, but if she starts obsessing or repeating herself or talking about things that don't really matter to anyone but her, you can say "I'm happy for you, but can we talk about something else?" Or just change the subject. Hopefully it will blow over soon. If not, then maybe start reconsidering the friendship.

[Lokie]

Thank you CC12! Last night she texted me and apologized if she talked too much about her guy. I then began to think more along the lines of what you said.

 

She said herself that she is not fully present because she is obsessing - so the two-way friendship as I have known it is not there right now, which is understandable to a degree.

But having been in an addictive relationship before, I think the obsession she is exhibiting is playing a larger role in my reaction than I thought.

 

L