Traded one addiction for another?

[alwayshopful]

Is that common?? I have no experience here but my bf is 5 years clean from alcohol and drugs. I knew before I moved in with him that he liked porn and masturbating but this weekend I ran out for 15 minutes to get coffee and came home at the tale end. I was very upset...we have not had intimate relations in a week and I leave briefly and he gets out the computer and lube. I mean I'm crushed that he prefers that over me...that is how I see it. He tells me that is not true and he has an issue. But he also gets defensive and tells me that I have not initiated anything either. This is the third time in the last month that I have complained of our lack of a sex life. Am I just chasing my tale here? I love him but the lack of attention and affection are killing me...I am not sure how much more I can endure.

[SerCay]

Is that common?? I have no experience here but my bf is 5 years clean from alcohol and drugs. I knew before I moved in with him that he liked porn and masturbating but this weekend I ran out for 15 minutes to get coffee and came home at the tale end. I was very upset...we have not had intimate relations in a week and I leave briefly and he gets out the computer and lube. I mean I'm crushed that he prefers that over me...that is how I see it. He tells me that is not true and he has an issue. But he also gets defensive and tells me that I have not initiated anything either. This is the third time in the last month that I have complained of our lack of a sex life. Am I just chasing my tale here? I love him but the lack of attention and affection are killing me...I am not sure how much more I can endure.

 

Alwayshopful,

 

This is a very known phenomenon, addictions are often replaced by other addictions. Usually people with addictions have an addictive charachter. Which means they get easily addicted. When the initial addictions are out of the picture, they might get adicted to other things, among which masturbation.

 

Masturbation addiction is a killer for the sex life and to get over it it takes devotion and hard work. It's not impossible to overcome. The lack of attention and affection that are killing you are common described things by gf's of masturbation addicts. He says you didn't initiate, that's just because he might be in denial himself. I would talk to him about how many times he masturbates and about his lack of sexdrive.

 

Eitherway just know that it has nothing to do with you or the way he sees you.

[skydiveaddict]

I was very upset...we have not had intimate relations in a week and I leave briefly and he gets out the computer and lube. I mean I'm crushed that he prefers that over me...that is how I see it.

 

You're right seeing it that way. He's a weak child who cannot control himself.

[steveT95]

You're right seeing it that way. He's a weak child who cannot control himself.

 

So a heroin addict is nothing but a child? Or a caffeine addict or a tobacco addict? Addiction is addiction no matter what the person is addicted to and it should be treated with respect and understanding (to a degree) like any other mental illness. Not looked down upon like you are doing. You should provide support or helpful advice, if you can't do that, don't comment. You don't need to waste your or anyone else's time.

 

 

 

OP, Have you tried initiating it? Maybe making a really special evening of it to see how that goes.

It is common for addiction to be swapped for others. I have done it myself, but the best way to do it is to swap one addiction for a less harmful one. I think the best way to approach things is to talk to him then take things from there.

 

I used to watch porn in a relationship, I wouldn't now because I can understand the hurt. But I wasn't watching because of the women or whatever, just for the extra stimulus that is absent when a partner is absent.

[NitroJones]

Wife of recovering addict yes they do trade one addiction for another my husband has been 3 years clean but has a sex addiction its like being on a roller coaster ride and you never know when it's going to stop. We are in counseling but I am starting to get worn down by the addiction. I just want peace so I have to think about my own well being you can get sucked in by an addicts behaviors. My suggestion get out while you can

[WhoreyBull]

Alcohol can be weird for youe sex life, durring and coming off.

3 years might seems like a lot to you, but it can be hard.

Have you offered to watch him masturbate.

When I was deep into the drink I used it to give me confidence in sex, when really I was so insecure. I don't want to put anything on yoy, but maybe a few weeks of trying to get him comfortable in his sexuality?

I don't know if this is the issue, but in my own experience my boarder in after I stopped drinking so much is thatI no longer felt like I was pleasing my partner.

Maybe ask him if he is feeling or has felt insecure about sex. Try mutual masturbation.

I may be wrong, but if you want to keep going with him then it may be wprth exploring.

 

Edit: if he has been doing anything beyond online porn disregard this.