jaida2004 Posted December 19, 2004 Share Posted December 19, 2004 Okay...last night I took some of the good advice given here and this is what happened. I started out calmly telling my H we needed to discuss the situation. I laid out my " evidence" starting from when I first observed the flirtation to the present. He listened quietly. Then I got into the questioning phase. I asked him did he have feelings for her, did they talk somehow, ever meet etc... He became upset and started denying things he's already admitted to. Said I was making a mountain out of a molehill, I'm crazy, I need to get over it and so on.Then I became angry and we began to argue. Finally I told him it could be resolved by his confronting her, in front of me, and telling her that there was no interest on his part, she needs to stop her behavior and he loves me and they won't ever go any further.He was obviously uncomfortable with this idea. He said he would do it but I could tell he was reluctant. Then he said she probably won't listen anyway. Bottom line. He denied everything and nothing was resolved. We are barely speaking and I told him I can't get past this unless HE puts an end to it. He says he would but I'm not so sure he would be sincere. What are your thoughts. I am still unclear of where we stand. My feeling is he doesn't really want her to stop, and this will continue to be a problem. He thinks it's my problem and I should say something to her myself.So we are at a stalemate. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 19, 2004 Share Posted December 19, 2004 I was wondering what happened with your story.... Since he is unwilling to confront this whole situation in front of you, and is now denying things that he already admitted to.....that is a HUGE red flag. Him calling you crazy, a "classic" sign.... I'm sorry but to me it sounds like there is an affair going on, I know you don't want to hear this but from an outside observation this is the feeling I get. Then again maybe he's embarassed that you'd think she was interested in him and doesn't want to embarass himself by confronting that, just another thought?!! I still personally think it's farther along than you originally believed...I hope I'm wrong and I'm very sorry you're going through this especially during the holiday season... Another question......does he spend money and then you don't know where it went? (buying her gifts, ect)??!! That could be a clue.. Link to post Share on other sites
indigo_moon Posted December 19, 2004 Share Posted December 19, 2004 Sorry but this has been going on for far too long (from your previous post, it's been at least a year) and your husband's "reaction" and his twisting things around and saying it's *you* who has the problem, his reluctance to want to talk to her and tell her to p*ss off (out of respect for you and your marriage), his suggesting YOU be the one to talk to her....................it all stinks. I know you don't think an affair has taken place yet but I'd be willing to bet the farm that it has and continues to...and the reason he won't talk to her, with you present is because the truth might come out (from her) and he doesn't want to end it with her. That's fine for you to talk to her but really, he's the one you're married to..........it's HIS responsibility to be dealing with this properly, to your satisfaction, as is his duty and obligation to you as your husband. He is dropping the ball big time. You may not have caught them in the sack but all the circumstantial evidence posts to an affair. A good honest faithful man would see your point of view and respect you and tell her to get lost........he'd have done it months and months ago. I suspect they "got it on" under your own roof in the past...when you weren't there.......and it's progressed from there. Maybe you should talk to her husband, i feel very sorry for him, too..............his world must be nothing but an emotional rollercoaster. I think you're being far too easy on your husband..............though if you were to kick his arse out, he'd likely just go to her. Have you ever thought of hiring a private investigator to watch him for a couple of days? Or you cook up some story about going out of town to visit a friend or relative..............you pretend you've left, then watch your home and hers (wherever she's staying)..............I'm sure the truth will clearly present itself if he thinks you're out of town. When you catch him in the act, have a video camera or camera, take pics and then get yourself to a lawyer and take his sorry ass to court for a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaida2004 Posted December 19, 2004 Author Share Posted December 19, 2004 Your both right. I do not feel AT ALL that I should be the one to confront her. And right now I feel sick inside because it's clear that there's something going on and I just can't believe it.I have thought about hiring a P.I or going to his job and just observe the place from a distance. See if she shows up. Course I wouldn't know if she's calling, his co-workers would never tell me. But...it all stinks to high heaven. He probably is afraid she'll spill the beans. Maybe lose her and definitely me. We've been married almost 20 yrs. This is very hurtful. I have thought of telling her H but not sure he'd believe me without solid proof. He's a nice guy and adores his children. I've noticed also that lately my H is sort of rude to him too. Unfriendly I guess you'd say. Never anything bad to say about her though. Jeez...I'm so scared and angry too. Link to post Share on other sites
indigo_moon Posted December 19, 2004 Share Posted December 19, 2004 You need the truth, you need to have all the facts so that in your heart you can make the right decision. You're not going to have peace until you know the truth. DO consider hiring a P.I. How else are you going to find out? Or do what I suggested.....tell him you have to go out of town for 2-3 days to visit family.........but don't leave town.........watch your home, his work, etc. If you see she's coming over the minute you're out the door, you have your proof....then go inside and bust their butts. I bet you $20 if you did this, you'd get the truth for they'd think you wouldn't be the wiser. There's no sense carrying on like this, with suspicions and stress and feeling sick and angry and worried..you need to know the truth and see it for yourself, with your own eyes. At least talk to a PI company, explain the situation, see what they can do and what it would cost..................... Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 If you can afford to hire a P.I. I say DO IT! They wouldn't expect to be followed by a P.I. and they will notice your car, ect unless you rent another one.... You have to find out as soon as possible to end your misery of not knowing! I think you know in your heart that it is happening but obviously proof is the ONLY way you can know 100% for sure that your suspisions are confirmed.. Be strong, no person deserves this and honestly I can only imagine after 20 years of marriage this is the LAST thing you expected and it is probably the most painful you've been through but you have to know...... I wish you the best and know you can come on here for support any time you need it. Link to post Share on other sites
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