Lazy Boyfriend Boring Relationship but.... we have a SON.

[melly11]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 6 and a half years now. We have a 5-year-old son who is in Kindergarten. My boyfriend stayed home and smoked weed during my pregnancy while I was the only one working. I worked grave-shift at a casino so I was exposed to second-hand smoking during my entire pregnancy. He never got a job during my pregnancy. I am currently going to school as a full-time student and I will get my bachelor’s degree in May 2014. My boyfriend has had a job on-and-off since our son was born. However, we moved to Albuquerque since January 2013 and my boyfriend has not gotten a job. I keep telling him to get a job but he is not trying hard enough. So far, he has only had one job since we moved to Albuquerque. He lasted only 4 weeks at the job until he got fired due to disrespect directed at his supervisor. He usually sleeps until noon time every day. Sometimes he cleans the house but not all the time. He is still addicted to marijuana and he smokes in our apartment even though he knows I dislike it. When we get into arguments, his anger scares me. He throws and kicks random things around when he is mad. One time he questioned me about what I was doing after coming home from the grocery store and he said, “if you did anything i'll bash your face in”. Sometimes he becomes paranoid and questions me about my whereabouts when I’ve been out of the house. I hardly ever make plans with people because I want to avoid arguing with my boyfriend about giving me permission. My son and I attend church but my boyfriend does not join us. He is not into the same things as I, so I always end up doing things alone. I want to go out hiking, play volleyball, join a club, and more, but he does not want to participate with me. The relationship is boring! He always wants sex but I am honestly getting bored of sex altogether. His highest degree is a GED and he has no big plans to go back to school. He just wants vocational training. I feel like it’s unfair how I am going to school and bettering myself while he is not planning anything big for his future. My son is doing poorly in school and I feel like his father should at least be helping him with school, but he is not! I get angry about my situation at times. I go running 5 days a week, completing 4 miles each time. Exercise is the only thing keeping me sane. I am not cheating on my boyfriend but I have been messaging a guy I met online. The guy is Christian and he’s a perfect gentleman who travels around the United States to attend church conventions. I really like this guy but I cannot do anything about it since I am in a relationship. The guy likes me even though he knows I have a son. He does not know what’s going on with me and my boyfriend. Actually, he does not know my boyfriend and I are still together. I just mentioned that my son’s dad is “still around”. I feel bad for not telling the guy the whole truth but I don’t want him to ignore me after telling the truth. I never met him. His ex-girlfriend looks like a supermodel so I am afraid to meet him. What should I do about my relationship with my boyfriend? I still love him, but I am not “in love” with him. If we break up, my son will not be able to see him because he would be in Washington state while we are in New Mexico. I asked my son if I can send his dad back to Washington but he cried. I don’t know what to do! My boyfriend still makes me laugh a lot sometimes but most of the time he makes me mad that he is not doing anything with his life! Even before I met the online guy, I thought about leaving my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do! I need my boyfriend to help me out with bills and raising my son at the same time. My boyfriend is making money illegally too. I’m not happy. I always wanted a romantic relationship like in the movies but my current relationship feels nothing like it.

[Raena]

Your entire post screams one thing to me....

 

GET OUT!

 

Get out of that house. Get away from that man. He is abusive to you and your child.

 

There is no other way around it. Just get away from him. He sounds like a loser that has been mooching off of you for years.

 

As for the online guy... I wouldn't rush into another relationship right away either. If it is just talking and only online, then keep it that way for now.

[melly11]

Thank you so much for you input Raena. I really did not know who to talk to about this. I'm just a poor college student with no money for counseling. I'm just afraid that I will have to use a lot of student loans for my son and I to get by if I leave the relationship. I have a 4.0 GPA so I don't want to mess that up either. However, I definitely think it is a good idea to leave - I would have to plan how I'm going to pay bills and stuff first. Yes, I do not want another relationship too soon if I leave him either. I need to "find myself" before jumping into another relationship.

[crederer]

Well....just want to say you are cheating, you're having an emotional affair online. Which sounds particularly dangerous with this guy as he's made threats (strange thing to do for a pot smoker. Usually they're mellow).

 

The other thing is no romantic relationships are like the movies. Seriously, none of them are like that over the course of time.

 

That being said this guy sounds like a loser and you need to get out. Your son will learn to adjust, it'll be hard on him at first but things will get better over time. I'd also recommend not rushing into a relationship afterwards as the other poster said.

[melly11]

Crederer, thank you for your advice. The online guy is just a friend. We don't really talk "romantical" with each other, but I do like him for his humbleness and kindness. I really feel bad because I do feel it could be emotional cheating like you said. I'm struggling to make my attraction stop. He is great catch. The only thing I am really concerned about is how I would be able to finance my education and raise my son all on my own. At the same time, I don't want to hurt my boyfriend's feelings and leave him lonely. I think the weed is fueling his anger. When he does not have it, he probably becomes irritated, which leads to intense anger. Even his own family noticed he has major anger problems.

[melly11]

Orangefruit, thank you for your honesty. Sometimes I do end up saying cruel things out of anger and frustration. I did realize how my son might feel guilty for questioning him about sending his dad away. I was just desperate to find out how my son would take it because my son is the main reason I am staying in the relationship. His dad always tells me the same thing, "You already knew I was like this! It's your fault you're feeling the way you're feeling". Yes, I did know about his addiction, but I was very young when I met him so I made bad decisions. I felt like I was "in love" and I did not want to be a single mother. I thought he would stop eventually, but his addiction dragged on for years. Now I am sick of it! Coming home from church and smelling weed off of him was a "big sign" for me. You mentioned everything that has been tugging at me to stay in the relationship - my son needs his father. I don't know what to do.

[SmartDude]

So is he very grumpy, scattered and generally unstable when he runs out of weed?

 

Weed affects everyone differently, true. For some people there are no problems. When a real smoker runs out, he feels irritated, unable to think clearly, unable to sleep well and may become emotionally depressed. Just like any other addiction, the goal is to make that bad feeling go away. Smoking weed when feeling like this instantly takes away the bad feelings of not having weed, which was caused by weed in the first place!

 

The hardcore smoker would never think that the answer is to just survive the withdrawal symptoms to feel normal again.

[LivingDeadGrl]

Is your childs father setting a good example for your son?

 

He has no work ethic, smokes weed all day, is lazy and treats his mother like crap.

Do you want your son to grow up thinking it is okay to be this way? That it is okay to treat a woman the way he treats you? Do you want your son to be just like his father? I sure hope not.

 

You are doing well for yourself and good on you for that. At least you are setting a good example.

If it's easier to wait until you are finished your degree to leave him then do that, you've already put in this much time what's another few months (if you can stand it that long). Maybe once you leave your boyfriend he will wake up and realize what a loser he is, and maybe make something of himself. He will never change as long as you are accepting his behavior. He will keep riding the free train as long as he can.

This other guy you have been talking to is probably the push you needed to realize you can (and will) do better. I would probably lose contact with him though for now, you are still in a relationship that he knows nothing about and are far from being ready to date him. This is not a good way to start relations with someone (based on half truths).

Good Luck!!

[d0nnivain]

If you stay with this idiot, your son will learn that its OK to break the law (smoke pot) & hit women. He will also have a poor role model & will probably never learn the value of hard work. Is that what you want for your child? If it is, by all means stay in your dysfunctional relationship. If you want your kid to have real future, make positive changes in his present.

[melly11]

Moxiesbuddy, I don't know if he's depressed now but when I first met him, he claimed to smoke weed because it helped him avoid thinking of his family back home in Washington. Now, he just smokes because he's addicted. Whenever I visit my hometown, he has smoke sessions with my little brother (19) and nephew (18). He does not really like communicating with the rest of my family. I have to beg him to attend my family dinners and stuff. I doubt he's not frustrated with being unemployed. When I tell him to get a job, he says, "I already have a job! You're just jealous because you can't make money while sitting on your ass." However, he has never hit me. He just pushes me around whenever our arguments get intense, but that rarely happens.

[melly11]

SmartDude, with that said, do you think he will ever quit smoking? It's been almost seven years and I'm tired of it. I really do not like my son being around it. He smokes only when I leave the house, when he leaves the house, or anywhere he can get privacy. He tries to be sneaky so I won't know about it, but I can smell it when I come home sometimes. It's very irritating. I think it fuels his anger whenever he has not had any.

[melly11]

Is your childs father setting a good example for your son?

 

He has no work ethic, smokes weed all day, is lazy and treats his mother like crap.

Do you want your son to grow up thinking it is okay to be this way? That it is okay to treat a woman the way he treats you? Do you want your son to be just like his father? I sure hope not.

 

You are doing well for yourself and good on you for that. At least you are setting a good example.

If it's easier to wait until you are finished your degree to leave him then do that, you've already put in this much time what's another few months (if you can stand it that long). Maybe once you leave your boyfriend he will wake up and realize what a loser he is, and maybe make something of himself. He will never change as long as you are accepting his behavior. He will keep riding the free train as long as he can.

This other guy you have been talking to is probably the push you needed to realize you can (and will) do better. I would probably lose contact with him though for now, you are still in a relationship that he knows nothing about and are far from being ready to date him. This is not a good way to start relations with someone (based on half truths).

Good Luck!!

LivingDeadGrl, whenever he knows I am on the edge about his bad habits, he tries to clean up the house and be really nice to me. However, I end up being nice back to him and he quits trying eventually. It's a continuous cycle of him being nice and helping out, then back to being lazy. My son is already showing signs of getting mad easily. He is very close to his dad and he likes everything his dad likes. I really do not want my son to end up like his father but he's already showing signs - doing poorly in school and anger. Even though his dad does not have any daily obligations, I am the one waking my ass up early to get my son ready for school. Both my son and I are always late for school. Sometimes his dad helps if I show anger. The other day, I told him to iron his son's pants because they were wrinkled. He replied, "They don't need to be ironed! I went to school with wrinkled clothes when I was small. His pants don't need to be ironed." Ugh! He gets me so mad! About the online guy, I am trying to stop talking to him but I can't help it sometimes. I know I can't have him and it makes me sad, but the situation made me feel good to know that somebody so great could like me. I've struggled with low self-esteem in the past so it's gratifying to know that. I know for a fact he's genuinely kind-hearted, funny, and handsome, because he is friends with a family member of mine. This guy deserves only the best, and that is why I plan on ending communication with him, I hope.

[melly11]

If you stay with this idiot, your son will learn that its OK to break the law (smoke pot) & hit women. He will also have a poor role model & will probably never learn the value of hard work. Is that what you want for your child? If it is, by all means stay in your dysfunctional relationship. If you want your kid to have real future, make positive changes in his present.

d0nnivain, I do want to leave him but I am so worried about the financial aspect of being a single mother. I would not plan on working after he leaves because I am so busy being a full-time student. I think I would just depend on scholarship and student loans. He makes enough money (illegally) to pay for all the bills. I don't like the way he makes money, but he's really stubborn about getting a job. He has no real plans for going back to school and this makes me feel insecure about my future with him (if there is one). A real man is supposed to make his woman feel secure about their future. I don't. I really want to leave him but I am scared. Whenever he gets mad or "questions me" I get really bad anxiety, to the point where I can feel aches in my bones. His anger alone frightens me, even though he has never hit me. For example, if he gets mad inside my car, he will start hitting my dashboard. A piece of my dashboard broke because of him. Also, the stick to turn on the window wipers broke because of him - my dad had to replace it.

[Ebelskiver]

Reading your post makes me angry and sad. Angry because you are hurting your son with you inability to grow up and do what needs to be done! Sad because your low self-esteem is obvious, you don't even realize that you are in an abusive relationship. A true relationship is a partnership. Two people who work together to achieve what they cannot do on their own. Your relationship is just you and a child, that child is your boyfriend.

 

Others have pointed out that you are teaching your son how to treat others, including you. Leaving does not mean that your child cannot have his father in his life. If HE wants it he will have to make it happen. You should drop down to half-time in school and get a job. Ask the pastor of your church if he knows of anyone who might be able to rent you and your son a room at a ruduced rate. If your boyfriend is not working, he can provide childcare during the day.

 

It will be hard, it will be scary. You will cry. You will believe that you will never make it. And it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself and your son.

 

The first thing is to make an appointment with a guidance counselor at school and find out how low you can go in hours to still recieve financial aid. Being a single mother will make you eligible for certain types of aid. This is what food stamps were made for girl. Use them while you need to and when you get a good job you can pay the system back. You may also be eligible for certain welfare assistance.

 

The next step is to visit your local welfare/social services agency. That you have no income will help you get aid.

 

Third step is to start hiding away $ in a secret account and making sure that his name is off all of yours.

 

Fourth step, see your pastor about living arrangements or part-time work.

 

Good luck.

[Eggplant]

Why doesn't he look after you son while you work? Since he's not working, would he do the child-care, so you can bring in money?

[Eggplant]

You cannot make this man into something he is not. He is not a provider for you and your child. He didn't care enough about you to hold his tongue and not get fired at his only job. He is what he is (a deadbeat) so take him or leave him. I'd leave him. And give him at least 50% custody. If he's not going to earn any income to pay child support, then he'd better provide child care. He has no business moving to Washington when his son is in NM.

[regine_phalange]

Your son grows up in a toxic family environment, you have to take him and get out. Start over...

[d0nnivain]

I do understand the nature of anxiety & it must be terrifying to think about moving out without a solid financial backing but if you don't leave this relationship soon through your BF's anger & illegal activities there is a good chance that you or your son could end up dead or hurt. Then where will you be?

 

Life / safety > money.

 

Go on welfare if you have to. Reach out to family members for temporary assistance. Go to school on line rather than in a traditional facility so you have time to work. Sue the kid's father for child support & turn him into the cops for his illegal activities if he doesn't pay; if he's in jail he can't come after you to hurt you.

[PoohGirl90]

I didn't read all the replies, so hopefully I'm not just repeating someone else, but you should really get out of this relationship with your son's father. He is abusive, he is not a good roll model for your son, and he is unfair to you.

 

First thing is first: You and the safety of your son.

 

Once you have that down, you can worry about having a "movie" relationship. Some parts of a relationship will feel like the movies, but it's not all fun and games. Relationships take work, that's why they have to come second to your well being and since you do have a son, he should be priority in your life for now. The fact that his dad sounds like a dead beat good for nothing means one thing to me: that your son should NOT be looking up to that in any way. If he grows up around it, there's a good chance he'll fall into the same habits and the same mistakes. Just my thoughts.

 

Good luck.

 

PS! There are resources! Look online for help centers near you. Battered women shelters or anything like it will be more than happy to point you in the right direction and get you help. Just Google search for a shelter and your location.

[SmartDude]

SmartDude, with that said, do you think he will ever quit smoking? It's been almost seven years and I'm tired of it. I really do not like my son being around it. He smokes only when I leave the house, when he leaves the house, or anywhere he can get privacy. He tries to be sneaky so I won't know about it, but I can smell it when I come home sometimes. It's very irritating. I think it fuels his anger whenever he has not had any.

 

Yes, a person can quit. See if you 2 can work out an agreement on when he smokes and when he does not. Be sportive but firm, it is not easy to just go cold turkey, you might need to work on something more gradual.