I'm so tired of being aggravated with him

[Lonestar]

Everytime I make a post about my situation, I have to give a little background since so many people come and go here. I've been back with my x-husband since roughly July. Things were going great for awhile, but then the same issues popped up that were never resolved. After one argument, I brought up relationship counseling, but he refused, so that's not gonna happen should anyone feel like suggesting that.

 

At many times over the past month, I've felt that I should end it, but then when he's not around I really miss him and I wonder how much of that is not wanting to be alone again. I do love him and he does love me. That's a given, but I'm tired of the way he wants me to be the little woman at home basically. That's so not me and never will be. Although he has told his friends we're dating again, he refuses to bring me around them (and let me point out that we grew up in the same town and I used to hang out with these same people in the same places). He claims he doesn't like being with a girl like that. If he takes me out, it's only once a month if I'm lucky for a couple drinks at some place where no one knows us.

 

I maybe see him three times a week, usually at either my house or his house since one of us has our child. I try to get babysitters when I have our daughter so we can go out together, but he usually has plans with his friends at a bar and I'm not welcome to come along. He came over last night because he was sick, but tonight he's off to the bar. He never says I love you unless I say it first. He doesn't tell me he misses me either. He will not be affectionate at all in public and always walks about 3 feet ahead of me. I feel like I smell or something LOL. He's not much of a talker and when I talk about stuff he doesn't really respond.

 

I told him how I felt and that I wanted more from this relationship. I told him that I want a boyfriend, not someone who I see maybe three days a week for a few hours at a time tops, and usually he's falling asleep. He's certainly not falling asleep at the bar with his friends. He told me that he can't do it my way right now. He still needs time to get over our terrible divorce and take his time. I need him to stop hiding me in a closet and to treat me like I matter.

 

I think I deserve a man who wants to be with me. This guys does, but only on his terms or when he feels like it. I don't feel like he wants to include me in his world, and every time we discuss it, I get no where. Should I just walk away... as much as it's going to hurt? Or am I being too demanding of something he is never going to give me and just back off. He wants me to be exclusive, he doesn't want me dating other guys, and he's not too thrilled when I go out with male friends of mine who are only friends. And yet he won't take me out. It's not like I have two heads either. There are plenty of men who would be proud to take me out, so what gives.

 

I know the advice that an ex is and ex for a reason. I was just dicussing with him on the phone how I wasn't sure yet what to get him for Xmas. he said don't get me anything, because he doesn't know what to get me either and doesn't want to "play games" whatever that means. I think it means that he doesn't want to have to think about what to get me, because that takes up to much friggin energy. Meanwhile, I've been scouring the Internet for a diecast model of his truck that he really wants. I think I found it, but now I'm reluctant to get it. What for? I've already bought him a few little gifts, but I wanted to find something special and he doesn't want to be bothered. And instead of going out shopping tonight (or coming to see me) he's going to the bar that I'm not allowed to go to, which now of course, makes me hate that bar because I'm not worthy.

[indigo_moon]

First off, some questions please...

 

1) what ages are you both?

 

2) how long had you been married?

 

3) what was the reason for the end of your marriage?

 

4) who's the one who initiated ending the marriage or was it a totally mutual decision?

 

5) whose idea was it to try "dating" again?

 

6) was there any cheating or suspicious behavior on his part during your marriage?

 

 

The way he's treating you is wrong.....could be 2 reasons.........he's afraid of getting too close and getting hurt or he doesn't want "the boys" to think he'd give you a second chance, they'd think he was pussy-whipped. I remember back when I was separated years ago, my then husband would be half decent to me from time to time, leading me to believe he wanted to reconcile, he'd make plans for us to meet for dinner....but God help us if we ran into his buddies while out.....he'd turn into a complete dick to me, even they (who were dicks themselves) were shocked how nasty he was. He wanted it to appear that it was "my" idea to be out with him and he really didn't want to be there. All a childish game on his part. he cared more about what his pals thought than my feelings. He was a coward.

 

It's also possible that he's not giving you the time of day and doesn't want you to be seen in public with him because he's seeing other women OR wants to appear available to other women, should the opportunity to meet someone else present itself.

 

I would NOT bother buying him the Christmas gift (the model)......he doesn't deserve it in the least. You will just feel like a silly fool if you buy it and he's made it clear he can't be bothered buying something for you........don't even waste your time, seriously. Unless he wants to start treating you like a lady ,with respect and integrity, then forget it...he doesn't deserve the perks that go with dating someone (eg..gifts).

 

He refuses to go for counselling.

 

He doesn't initiate telling you he loves you.

 

He doesn't want to talk about things.

 

Past issues remain unresolved.

 

He only wants to see you on his terms.

 

When he does spend time with you, he's tired and likely making you feel 2nd best by his lack of attention and affection toward you.

 

He's keeping you from his friends.

 

He spends a sh*tload of time out at the bar......a bar is nothing but a meat market, not much good can come from there. Does he spend this much time with his child?

 

Do you 2 have sex? if so, stop.............unless he's going to start acting like a friend and partner, he shouldn't be getting the perks that go along with it.

[Lonestar]

I'll answer the questions:

 

1) what ages are you both?

 

I'm 38 and he's 37.

 

2) how long had you been married?

 

He walked out after 1 year, as long as it took me to get pregnant and give birth.

 

3) what was the reason for the end of your marriage?

 

We fought like crazy and there were all the same issues that I'm talking about now. He walked out and filed for divorce. The he fought me for custody while he was hooked on cocaine. He is now clean.

 

4) who's the one who initiated ending the marriage or was it a totally mutual decision?

 

He intiated it right after our baby was born. It tore my heart out and was the worst rejection a woman could feel. I had not even healed from giving birth.

 

5) whose idea was it to try "dating" again?

 

Well, I proposed we use each other for sex again. Both of us found out we still had feelings for each other. The sex ended up happening about 5 nights out of seven and the next thing ya know we were spending time together. Then the fights started.

 

6) was there any cheating or suspicious behavior on his part during your marriage?

 

Not really. I did suspect there was someone else he was interested in when I was pregnant, but never had any proof of more than that and for the most part I always knew where he was. I suppose he could of, but I'll never know.

 

He spends a sh*tload of time out at the bar......a bar is nothing but a meat market, not much good can come from there. Does he spend this much time with his child?

 

He goes to this bar about two to three times a week, and it's not really a meat market. It's one of those small neighborhood bars, although there are some coke whores and a few slutty chicks that go there I'm sure. There are also girlfriends of other guys that hang there.

 

Do you 2 have sex? if so, stop.............unless he's going to start acting like a friend and partner, he shouldn't be getting the perks that go along with it.

 

Yes, we have lots of sex. That's the problem. I don't want to give it up and I'm not one of those people who can sleep with a guy she doesn't really know. After the baby was born and he left I didn't have sex for 2.5 years. The entire time we were apart I didn't sleep with anyone else. I didn't date for a long time and I never met anyone else until he was back in the picture. I'm in my sexual prime and sex is real friggin important to me. I think my sex drive is stronger than his right now.

[indigo_moon]

Sorry, I don't understand the situation. He treated you like crap, walked out on you shortly after you'd given birth to your first child.........tried to fight for sole custody of your child ...........and yet you initiated getting back with him "for sex only" - which then lead to wanting more? Sorry but I don't understand this kind of arrangement at all. You've made yourself out to be someone who accepted being treated like crap, walked out on, but you've been willing to overlook that because you have a high sex drive. It's kind of bent. Doesn't sound like you have a lot of self esteem or self respect? Now I understand why he's acting the way he is............he sees you as a place to put his dick and because it's easy to do so, why would he make any effort? He's got it made in the shade.....a woman he crapped all over, who gave him a child, who still wants sex with him. Sorry but YOU are the reason he's treating you like continued sh*t. Is the need for sex really worth being used like this? I'd really recommend counselling - to get to the root of why you think so little of yourself. Have you ever had a healthy relationship?

[Lonestar]

I forgot to answer the question about the time he spends with his child. He spends lots of time with her and is a good father. I will admit to that, but she is the only female he will go out of his way for.

 

Go ahead people. Feel free to tell me who stupid I am for giving this guy one more minute of my time. I don't know what my problem is. I really don't. I suppose some of it is not wanting to be alone and then I thought it would be better to try to reconcile because of our daughter, and the sex is good, and I do love him. I just don't like him or the way he treats me like he can take it or leave it.

[Lonestar]

Sorry, I don't understand the situation. He treated you like crap, walked out on you shortly after you'd given birth to your first child.........tried to fight for sole custody of your child ...........and yet you initiated getting back with him "for sex only" - which then lead to wanting more? Sorry but I don't understand this kind of arrangement at all. You've made yourself out to be someone who accepted being treated like crap, walked out on, but you've been willing to overlook that because you have a high sex drive. It's kind of bent. Doesn't sound like you have a lot of self esteem or self respect? Now I understand why he's acting the way he is............he sees you as a place to put his dick and because it's easy to do so, why would he make any effort? He's got it made in the shade.....a woman he crapped all over, who gave him a child, who still wants sex with him. Sorry but YOU are the reason he's treating you like continued sh*t. Is the need for sex really worth being used like this? I'd really recommend counselling - to get to the root of why you think so little of yourself. Have you ever had a healthy relationship?

 

It's okay to put me down. I can take it, but I'd prefer advice rather than insults. I want people to point out what you see as faults, but see if you can refrain from tearing me apart, okay? Actually, I have dealt with self-esteem issues since I was a little girl. My father left me scarred emotionally but I was in therapy for a long time and did come a long way. I was doing great until I started seeing my ex again, and he definitely has a way of depleting my self-esteem. And you're right, I should find my self-respect again by leaving him.

 

No the need for sex is not worth all this. I need to walk away. That's why I posted this. Only another poster here (Weird) had previously known the details of our divorce through PMs. I never discussed it publicly here before, so try not to stab so hard but feel free to knock sense into me. Thanks for the advice, I suspect I'm going to take more of a beating here with this topic.

[indigo_moon]

It's okay to put me down. I can take it, but I'd prefer advice rather than insults. I want people to point out what you see as faults, but see if you can refrain from tearing me apart, okay?

 

If you or anyone is coming here asking for advice, tell the whole story from the start - which in your case is the history of him having left you right after the birth of your child, and YOUR making the decision to reestablish contact with him, for sexual purposes.

 

Without this recent information, it appeared he was a schmuck who was using you..........but in light of the new information, it seems you were happy with this kind of arrangement from a while back.............so what more do you want here? You made the choice to lay back down with someone who betrayed and hurt you.........and now you're wondering why he comes around for sex and gives you nothing else?

 

What advice are you looking for? What is it that you want to read? You set the situation up to be used......he's doing just that.....so how can you dog him for it? He wouldn't be using you and treating you like dirt if you hadn't let him way back.

 

My advice to you still stands: seek counselling. And by all means get yourself tested for HIV and sexually transmitted diseases because there's no telling where his dick has been, I'm afraid to say.

 

I just think it's ultimately sad when women clearly set themselves up to be used by men. You've sent him a loud and clear message that no matter how much hurt he's caused in the past, you're willing to overlook that in exchange for regular rolls in the sheets. Of COURSE he's not going to give you more, why would he? He's getting all he needs and wants. He IS the one who divorced you, correct? He likely thinks he's died and gone to heaven.

[Lonestar]

If you or anyone is coming here asking for advice, tell the whole story from the start - which in your case is the history of him having left you right after the birth of your child, and YOUR making the decision to reestablish contact with him, for sexual purposes.

 

hehe, I did give that info. You only showed up here in November, so how would you know? Stop assuming. The fact that I proposed using him for sex is all over this forum. The fact that we split after the baby was born is also all over this forum. What's not around here is his drug use and the custody battle he put me through while clearly being an addict.

 

The sex issue is not MY problem. It seems to be yours. I don't have issues with sex, so whether two people use each other for that or not means nothing to me. What pisses me off is that he wants to have a relationship with me, he wants to be back with me, but he's incapable of treating me like a friend, and I've been incapable of calling it off. Unlike you and your advice, I don't use sex (or withold sex) to control a man.

 

Maybe it is my fault for going back to him in any capacity, but like I said, I still loved the guy and we have a child together. There's nothing wrong with trying to give a family a second shot, so enough with your attitude. I'm seeing the result of my decision now, but don't think it hurts any less just because I intiated it or that I deserve your anger at women who don't act the way you think they should.

 

I hope you don't post any of your relationship problems on here, because instead of giving advice, I'll be sure to bash you instead. I highly doubt your perfect, honey. No one here is and we've all gotten ourselves into situations we shouldn't be in. You better hope when it happens to you that some one like yourself isn't around, or better yet, you better hope I'm not around. Maybe I'll look around for some of your posts later.

 

Like I said, I would like to hear advice from people, but I'm not responding to Indigo moon anymore. I've heard enough from you.

[Lonestar]

I want to apologize. After reading this entire thread again, I can see why you answered the way you did. It's hard to look at the truth slapping you in the face. I wanted to hear it, but I guess I wanted to hear it with a little padding on. You have no reason to worry about my feelings. You're a stranger giving advice, and I asked for it.

 

You're right. It's my fault. I brought this on myself by sleeping with someone who had previously hurt me so bad, but I honestly thought at the time it was just going to be sex and no feelings would get involved. What's happening now are the same issues that ended our marriage. I've no idea why I thought it would be any different. I was feeling so friggin stupid today for letting myself get back in this situation and your posts only made me feel more stupid, but if it walks like a duck....

 

Now I read it all again and I really feel like a real idiot. I told him it's over tonight. Not wanting to buy me a Xmas present kinda put the cherry on top of the whole pie. He doesn't want me to leave, but he also says he can't change. I should've never stepped back in the past. What really sucks for me is that I can't completely erase him from my life. I still have to deal with him in some capacity because we're parents.

 

Anyway, thanks and I apologize for getting so defensive.

[indigo_moon]

I accept your apology. And the only reason I said that you hadn't provided all the info was because I just don't have enough time to look for everyone's past posts and analyze all the details.........and you originally started out this thread saying you were recapping what went on, so I originally had reason to believe that was the crux of of the situation.

 

I didn't mean to seem harsh but I guess I just get my dander up when I see men taking advantage of women........and women putting themselves into situations that will obviously cause them to be taken advantage of.

 

It's really sad when people use other people.

 

I'm glad you ended things with him because you deserve so much better than a guy who b*tches and moans that he won't even get you an Xmas gift, yet you gave him the greatest gift of all.........yourself, your body and especially, a precious daughter.

 

He's a grown man who's acting like a selfish, self-absorbed punk and I guess I see some of my ex husband in him. When we were separated (I'd left him after having him charged with assault, plus he'd not exactly been faithful to me), I continued to love him and hope and pray he'd get his sh*t together - and he would play continual headgames........knowing full well that I still loved him........he would go through spurts of pretending he was serious about getting help for his anger, laying off the booze (and coke, though I didn't have a clue when we were married that he was into coke, not a CLUE - except that as I looked back, it explained his Jeykll and Hyde, volatile mood swings), stop going to the bar with "the boys"....and he'd be the husband he'd promised me he'd be.........and how many times I would get sucked back in, believing he was being serious, but it was all a crock. The odd time he'd take me out for dinner, he'd insist on going out of town (to a neighboring town)..why? He didn't want anyone to see him with me. He was a major d*ck. And when he'd take a break from sleeping with every chick who walked from miles around, he'd suddenly show up and be friendly with me.....wanting sex.......telling me crap like, "You owe it to me, you're my wife" or "I like sex with you, it's safe sex" - luckily I never gave in because I knew he just wanted to use me and that I'd feel like trash afterward and most importantly, in order to reap the rewards of a husband, you gotta be one.

 

We did this lame dance for a year, until I was so emotionally and physically exhausted that to preserve what was left of my sanity, I moved far away and filed for divorce.

 

My ex was like yours during our marriage, too.............not in the beginning but toward the end........he'd NEVEr take me out in public and I could never figure out why....it killed my self esteem because I thought maybe he was ashamed of me (I was very sensitive back then and really took things to heart).........truth be told, he just didn't want to risk one of his many hunnies running into US and making an awkward scene.

 

Let this New Year be a new start for you...............yes, it will be hard to spend this Christmas without him in your life as someone you're "with"........find some Self Help books on "letting go" and healing...............you have grieving to do, the loss of our marriage, and the loss of the man you fell in love with. Be good to yourself......do something nice for yourself each day.........get a new haircut, spend a day at a spa, go for a massage, buy some aromatherapy candles, have bubble baths, etc.............pamper yourself. And stay strong. It will be tough but you can come here anytime you're feeling weak. The holidays are tough times if you're not with someone or have newly ended a relationship so expect to have some struggles....but we are here for you, okay?!

[j_nelson]

What pisses me off is that he wants to have a relationship with me, he wants to be back with me, but he's incapable of treating me like a friend, and I've been incapable of calling it off.

 

 

If he really wanted to be with you, you would know it through his actions. I don't care what he is saying to you, if he is acting like this, he does not want to be with you.

 

About the sex...get a dildo or something...sh*t...I would do the same thing if I was the guy....get to have sex with someone I know well and am very comfortable with without any commitment...that's a great deal...

[Lonestar]

and thanks for sharing your story. It seems you and I went though many similar things. I did start off saying I was going to recap my story, but then left out a whole bunch of details because I got wrapped up explaining the current situation. I don't expect anyone here to go sifting through my old posts. That would be insane, because we all have lives and the fact that we try to find time to post here, whether it be for ourselves or to give others advice, takes a lot of time.

 

As much as it hurt, I'm glad you were harsh with me because as I went back and read it last night, I felt like someone was sitting me down, saying "wake up girl and get your sh*t together." I was slipping into his painful abyss again, and although I realized it and many of my real life friends did also, I still kept hoping that he would see what he was pushing away. Yes, one of the greatest gifts I gave that man was a child. When I met him I didn't plan on having anymore children. This was my third child and I was previously divorced, so to have him be a coward and walk out after she was born almost killed me. The rejection felt like something I would never get over and to tell the truth, I think that's part of the reason I sought him out again - to prove to myself that he still loved me and I wasn't the reason he left. How sad is that?

 

I also didn't know he was using coke when we were together. In fact, he still claims that he didn't get hooked again until after we separated, but I don't really believe that because I saw him high when I was only four months pregnant (he denied it), and I'm sure there were many other times he went out and indulged. He chose drugs over his family, and that was even harder for me to accept losing someone I loved to something that doesn't even live and breathe. I didn't want to believe that drugs were more important than me. For the record, he did finally get his sh*t together for his daughter and has been clean for a long time now. He loves her very much and is a great father. He's just a horrible husband.

 

I was terrified of being alone through the whole pregnancy and he left me for days at a time over and over again. Then he would come back saying he was sorry and I'd get sucked back in, because I was pregnant and alone. My self esteem plummetted to zero at the time. I still don't believe there were any other women, although I could be wrong, but he's not a player. He doesn't care about making an effort to please or pick up any woman. Still, like I said, I may not know something, but that was a long time ago.

 

He also will only take me to places where we won't run into any of his friends. I think it's because he's embarrassed to admit to them that he's with me again, because he would look like a loser, and he cares more about what his buddies think than how I feel. One thing he didn't do was ever try to coax me into sex. I'm the stupid fool that did that for him. I do like sex, I admit that, so he got that without any effort on his part.

 

I feel the exact same way you did when your ex wouldn't take you out anywhere. It's like he's ashamed of me and I say to myself "how the hell can that be? Why would anyone be ashamed of me?" And then I kept going back and, as a good friend of mine tells me, looking for daddy's approval. It slowly but surely kills my self-esteem and it's so gradual that I don't even see it until it's too late. It is the worst pain to feel that way when you're carrying the guy's child.

 

I'll make it through the holidays okay, but I'm sure there will be some days that rip me up. This year he has our daughter Xmas eve through Xmas morning (we alternate holidays). I was hoping that I would spend the morning with my daughter at his place, so the morning this year is going to hurt a lot because I'll be alone. Still, it's better to be alone than to give up my self-respect. My kids will be home late morning and we can go have a nice dinner at grandma's house.

[Weird]

Oh L....you are better than this.

 

Indigo has pretty much stated what I think...you have let all this happen and it is depressing for me to see it because I know you're better than that.

 

You can go find a guy who actually wants to be with you and can treat you well instead of jsut see you as the carrier of a flessy hole to stick his piece in.

 

Oh and please...don't value sex over self respect which it seems you have done with him for months on end.

 

Not to sound bad but I always cringe and shake my ehad when I read your updates cuz I know the guy is a jackass.

 

Also agree with you going to get a dildo or something. hehe;)

[SoleMate]

Lonestar, this is the first time I have seen your full story. And I have to say I am appalled at the way he has treated you - and continues to treat you. I understand your childhood hurts...and it seems you may be falling into a situation that is similar. You, when a child, had to develop an ability to love someone who was hurting you (your father). And now that pattern is repeated.

 

I would never call someone in your shoes "sick" or "stupid". You're clearly neither. You yourself have clearly identified the fact that this relationship is not good for you and must be ended. The reason you find it hard is that your connection with him still does bring you some pleasure and good feelings (even though it's way less than what you deserve and could be finding elsewhere). And of course, it always seems like it must be "right" to stay with your child's father. Those are powerful reasons to stay, but I do think that for your own mental and emotional health, this must be ended.

 

I think you mentioned therapy...I hope that it is ongoing, and that your primary focus is on developing skillls and behaviors that are conducive to building healthy, satisfying relationships. (Some therapists love to dig around in your childhood dysfunction, when what really needs to be done is to solve CURRENT problems. And clearly your biggest current personal problem is the reality of your relationship with your XH.)

 

Loveshack is all about supporting people who need to make painful transitions, as you certainly know, since you're an oldtimer. So let us know what we can do to help you with the breakup, and the rebuilding of a life free of him.

[Lonestar]

Weird, check your PMs.

 

SoleMate, Thanks so much for the understanding and support. The more time that goes by and I have to think about this crap, the more pissed off and angry I'm getting that I let him treat me like this AGAIN. I'm definitely moving on, but I'm sure he doesn't believe that in the slightest. I never stuck by my word before and only gave threats I didn't mean. I'm done right now, but yeah, it's going to hurt. All I know is that I tried when we were married, and I tried my best to make a go of it now. I can walk away now knowing that I was a good woman and he rejected that the second time around. His loss, and he's a very jealous person, so the thought of me being with someone else will drive him nuts. He should have thought of that before treating me like sh*t.

 

I'd rather be with someone that treats me much better. I'm waiting for the phone call from him when he realizes that I'm really gone this time, and hopefully it will never come. Dunno, but it doesn't matter at this point. I'm gone. I suspect I'll be posting in the next few days when I start to miss him, but I know you guys and gals will be here to support me.

[SoleMate]

You go, girl. I don't know whether that call will come or not, but I wish for you that every day will find you thinking and caring less about it than the day before.

 

So you're banned from his bar...what a clueless jerk...send me his address.

[Lonestar]

Trust me, I'll go to that bar someday whether he likes it or not. I also have friends down there.

 

He called late Monday night and said that he didn't want to break up. I told him it was over, and that I wanted more from him then he was able to give me, and that I didn't feel he was ready for a real relationship. I said I wanted a lot more from someone I loved than he was giving me. He wasn't happy at all, blamed it all on me, so I told him if he needs to blame me go ahead, but it's over. I did leave the door open that if he decided down the road that he was ready to treat me the way I should be treated, then to call me, but there's no guarantee I'll still be available.

 

I haven't heard from him since, and I'm fine with that although I do miss him somewhat already. I had to call him about our daughter today, but thankfully I was able to leave a message.

 

I made plans for New Years Eve with some friends, so I won't be sitting home just because he refused to take me out.

[Weird]

You go sister:)

[Gala]

I have followed your story for a few months, tho I haven't posted...and am so sorry this has not worked out for you. I could feel the tenuousness in your postings, the affection for him, the wanting to be patient and hoping it would make a difference, the reappearing uncertainty... I have spent time recently trying to understand the pain that is attendant to divorce, in large part as I had a very disappointing end to a relationship with someone whose divorce was almost final. I think one of the takeaways -- in your case and mine -- is that the guys had big baggage of their own anyway, free and clear of the divorce. I cannot imagine your ex's friends being so important that he would hide or minimize a relationship with someone he truly loved. But that's me.

 

The guy I dated had quit drinking, but still had some of the addict's behaviors. One of the most valuable ideas I've read this year is, "Addicts are liars and actors." They can't be any truer to themselves than to anyone else, and they keep denial and blame close at hand.

 

You've mentioned your dad, and that your ex triggers memories of/associations with that relationship. Like the divorced guy I dated, my dad had quit drinking long before I was born...but struggled with some big emotional scars. He was loving, but conflicted and distant and self-absorbed. And unfortunately, so much in our house was about keeping him from getting agitated. My ability to be open as an adult has suffered a lot as a result of this environment.

 

Anyway, I will think of you and your daughter this holiday!