iThinkItIsOver Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 How do you know it's really over and not just a rough patch? How do you decide when enough is enough? I feel so torn. I do love my husband, but he's making me miserable. It's like he doesn't even like me anymore, let alone love me. Part of me just wants to say forget it and leave him, but we have a baby now. I think my child deserves to have both parents present, but I also think my child deserves happy parents. I have no idea how I'd provide for my baby if we did divorce. I've been a homemaker for the past three years and I have no college degree. (Married young, should have finished college first.) I wish he would act like he loved me. He says he does. Just doesn't show it anymore. I don't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Only you can answer that yourself. Try to figure out what's stopping you. Is it only fear, or is there a part of you that loves him and want to hold on? As for raising your child. Don't ever be afraid of that. Me too, no college degree and stay-home for 10 years. But all mothers are strong. Even if you don't see it, you ARE strong. We'd DIE to give our children a bright and happy future. (There's one employer who said that they actually choose single mothers because they are the most driven.) So look inward and try to figure out if you want to stay or go. Are you doing what your doing out of love, selfishness, or fear? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 How do you know it's really over and not just a rough patch? How do you decide when enough is enough? I feel so torn. I do love my husband, but he's making me miserable. It's like he doesn't even like me anymore, let alone love me. Part of me just wants to say forget it and leave him, but we have a baby now. I think my child deserves to have both parents present, but I also think my child deserves happy parents. I have no idea how I'd provide for my baby if we did divorce. I've been a homemaker for the past three years and I have no college degree. (Married young, should have finished college first.) I wish he would act like he loved me. He says he does. Just doesn't show it anymore. I don't understand. First off, have this discussion with your husband. ASAP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iThinkItIsOver Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 Thank you for your responses. I have had this conversation with my husband. All he says is "it's not like that. I do love you." But then everything stays the same. He's annoyed by everything I say. He does not care if I'm in pain or what I say. Half the time he just tones me out anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I wish he would act like he loved me. He says he does. Just doesn't show it anymore. I don't understand. It never ceases to amaze me how often this confusion arises. There is no other interpersonal relationship I can think of where people can say a phrase and expect everything to be OK. There isn't much to go on in your posts so I won't comment on how you may know that it's over. I will try and give some insight on the quote though. When people say they love you they are often referring to their feelings. When you feel they aren't showing love you are referring to their actions. There are a million reasons why someone's stated feelings would be incongruent with their actions. Unfortunately you can never know the reason, and you can never really know what someone else is feeling. The thing is we tend to spend tons of time and energy focused and worrying on feelings. That's why there are a million stories on here that read like, "my spouse has done <insert litany of awful things here>, but they say they love me". But long term relationships aren't about just feelings, they're about actions too. If you're looking for actions and you're not getting them, do the feelings really matter? How much inaction are you willing to tolerate? The feeling of love isn't an excuse for apathy and inaction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jabsterini Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I'm not sure I have any right to comment because my situation feels pretty similar to what you are saying with the exception that my children are older. I got pregnant when I was in college, I quit, and my husband and I got married. I worked while he finished school. When he finished and got his first "real" job I stayed home with the kids because there was nothing I could do that would financially warrant sending them to daycare. My husband isn't the warmest of guys either. I don't doubt his love but I do doubt his like of me. And honestly, he isn't much of a companion. I feel extremely alone. We don't really fight much, we don't really even interact all that much, but when the kids were little we went through a patch that was a little rough. I am not close with my family, hadn't finished school, and had three little kids. I knew I would never be able to leave because I couldn't do anything to support the kids and myself and knew I would be 100% on my own if I left since my family is no help whatsoever. So I went back to school and finished. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. It made me feel like I could stand on my own two feet if I had to. I can't imagine how hard it would be with a baby, but if there is something you are interested in, you might be able to get through school to give yourself a better shot at a good life on your own. Sometimes it helps to have something else to focus on. And making new friends outside of your home life might be good, it has been for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iThinkItIsOver Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 Alonefornow, you are exactly right. I'm pondering those questions now. I want to be with someone who doesn't only say they love me, but actually shows it. Jabsterini, thank you. I want to go to cosmetology school very badly, but we cannot afford daycare and live 3,000 miles from family. I feel kind of stuck for now. Originally when my child was old enough for preschool I was going to go to cosmetology school. Guess it's time to think and re-think until I can figure something else out. :-/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) How do you know it's really over and not just a rough patch? How do you decide when enough is enough? I feel so torn. I do love my husband, but he's making me miserable. It's like he doesn't even like me anymore, let alone love me. Part of me just wants to say forget it and leave him, but we have a baby now. I think my child deserves to have both parents present, but I also think my child deserves happy parents. I have no idea how I'd provide for my baby if we did divorce. I've been a homemaker for the past three years and I have no college degree. (Married young, should have finished college first.) I wish he would act like he loved me. He says he does. Just doesn't show it anymore. I don't understand. Coming from a husband that was exactly in your predicament, and is now going through a divorce. Your husband still loves you. My wife said the same things over and over, and I didn't change. I called her bluff everytime until she filed for divorce, and believed me it changes you immediately. I have done a total 180, but unfortunately for me it's "too late"..........don't give up on your husband. This sounds crazy, but when you file for a divorce with the intention of reconciling, it will get his attention. My wife now knows I've done a complete 180 am willing to do anything to save the marriage.......however she is too far gone at this point, and there is nothing I can do right now, but do nothing. By reading your post, you are not at that point, and it is fixable. Your husband does love you, but life, kids, work, etc. all have gotten in the way. I'm telling you do not give up on him. You can do all of those things you want to accomplish WITH him, and it will be much easier WITH him than without him. I know you feel alone, scared, etc. But you aren't..........I'm telling you. I was your husband 5 months ago. Edited November 12, 2013 by Movingforward2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I'll bet your husband does love you, he's just not doing the things you need to feel loved. And you probably feel like you are communicating with him, but it's a combination of you not communicating well and him not hearing you well. Marriage counselling and other things may help, but your husband may need a sledge hammer to the head to wake up. If you've tried marriage counselling and letting him know how unhappy you are, I would suggest telling him you'd like to separate for a bit (maybe a few weeks). It should give him the shock to the system he needs. Do marriage counselling during that time as well, but get him to move out for a couple weeks so he really gets how serious this is right now. And don't accept him back until real change is happening. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Alonefornow, you are exactly right. I'm pondering those questions now. I want to be with someone who doesn't only say they love me, but actually shows it. Jabsterini, thank you. I want to go to cosmetology school very badly, but we cannot afford daycare and live 3,000 miles from family. I feel kind of stuck for now. Originally when my child was old enough for preschool I was going to go to cosmetology school. Guess it's time to think and re-think until I can figure something else out. :-/ Don't let your husband hold you back. You'll come to resent him. I did the same thing to my STBXW and it played a part in the downfall of our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iThinkItIsOver Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 Thank you so much for the advice. I don't want to give up on him, but he doesn't think I need the things I'm asking for. He thinks its ridiculous because its not the things he needs to feel loved. I begged him to go to marriage counseling a year ago. He had agreed to go to one session. I told him if it was everything he thought it was I wouldn't bother him about it again, so he agreed. But then he talked to his dad. And somehow after that conversation he was convinced it was not for him. Really?? you'd think his dad would encourage him to try anything and everything to save his marriage but he doesn't. What my husband told me he said was "marriage counseling isn't for everyone" and my husband based his decision off of that. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Thank you so much for the advice. I don't want to give up on him, but he doesn't think I need the things I'm asking for. He thinks its ridiculous because its not the things he needs to feel loved. I begged him to go to marriage counseling a year ago. He had agreed to go to one session. I told him if it was everything he thought it was I wouldn't bother him about it again, so he agreed. But then he talked to his dad. And somehow after that conversation he was convinced it was not for him. Really?? you'd think his dad would encourage him to try anything and everything to save his marriage but he doesn't. What my husband told me he said was "marriage counseling isn't for everyone" and my husband based his decision off of that. Part of the problem is if he goes, he may fall into the trap I did when I kept thinking "There's nothing wrong with me, just fix her." I didn't go into previous marriage counselling sessions with an open mind and didn't look at myself enough, just at what everyone around me was doing wrong. He needs a serious wake up call. You should outright tell him you are seriously considering divorce, maybe talk to a lawyer, and get him to wake the f*&! up. He is way too comfortable in your marriage right now and needs to get uncomfortable quick! Link to post Share on other sites
Author iThinkItIsOver Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 I honestly think if I filed he would just say fine and we would be divorced. I do t really want that. I love him. But I need to feel loved. It's just a big mess, my life. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I honestly think if I filed he would just say fine and we would be divorced. I do t really want that. I love him. But I need to feel loved. It's just a big mess, my life. Yeah, I thought the same thing until it actually happened. Imagining being separated is much different than actually being separated. I'll admit when my STBXW and I fought, I would sometimes think "Fine. Go. You're a middle aged woman with a kid. Who's going to want you?" Turns out, other people would snap her up in a heartbeat. And if his response is to say "fine" and walk away, then what are you exactly staying married to? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 It was a LTR (12 years) not a marriage but I knew I was done when I no longer had the energy or desire to even get annoyed about all the BS anymore. I just plain didn't care so I walked out. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 How do you know it's really over and not just a rough patch? How do you decide when enough is enough? I feel so torn. I do love my husband, but he's making me miserable. It's like he doesn't even like me anymore, let alone love me. Part of me just wants to say forget it and leave him, but we have a baby now. I think my child deserves to have both parents present, but I also think my child deserves happy parents. I have no idea how I'd provide for my baby if we did divorce. I've been a homemaker for the past three years and I have no college degree. (Married young, should have finished college first.) I wish he would act like he loved me. He says he does. Just doesn't show it anymore. I don't understand. Think if you both love each other you need to work at your M, I'd say go M counseling, look into yourself first as to why you feel this way and do a course so you are able to actively find a good job if you do end up a single parent. A lot of my ex H unhappiness was not with our M it's within himself and his upbringing, he just doesn't want to face any if it, or work on our relationship... He decided that running off and starting a new life is the answer to all his issues. It's amazing how your childhood and yourself affects the relationship... Might be worth looking at first before breaking up the family unit SS x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I honestly think if I filed he would just say fine and we would be divorced. I do t really want that. I love him. But I need to feel loved. It's just a big mess, my life. I'm telling you..........do not give up on him. I was that guy 4-5 months ago. He isn't "holding you back"........you are holding yourself back. You can send him an email, write him a letter, give him a card, try everything before trying divorce. My wife thought the same thing if she filed on me, and I can assure you at some point, she is going to look back and regret it. It has made me a better person, father, and has definitely made me a better partner (husband) if her heart would let me back in. You have a child as well..........do everything it takes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zezima Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 it is really over when he starts singing along to Taylor Swift songs. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Lots of advice here, just wishing you best wishes with what you decide. I'm in the same boat and don't know what to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iThinkItIsOver Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 Thank you all. Today has been better. For the most part. I guess we're just gonna have to take it day by day. I'm 21, by the way. And we've been married for three years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Thank you all. Today has been better. For the most part. I guess we're just gonna have to take it day by day. I'm 21, by the way. And we've been married for three years. Apologies.....started three posts to this.....you just know.....you can't help what someone else does. You can love them....that is what makes you better; but you don't have to accept the cards dealt. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Yeah my ex did that, it felt so insincere, it was disgusting. Wish he had done it five years earlier. But by then I had gone inside. Just from a male perspective, it probably is sincere, as most of us don't ever think it will get "to that point". Women die on the inside, and probably should give the husband a 2nd chance (which I know they have probably had millions of).......You said "for better or worse".....if it takes the next 35 years to fix the previous 5, wouldn't it be easier to try it versus starting all over? In a woman's head.....apparently not. No such thing as a "perfect" relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts