Help! The Grinch is stealing my Christmas! Need ideas.

[tigerlilly2004]

My husband has no desire to celebrate Christmas. He doesn't want to put up a tree or anything. We were supposed to spend Christmas with his family this year but can't afford to fly there. I thought THAT was the reason he's being such a Grinch but he says Christmas just doesn't mean anything to him anymore.

 

Is it me?

 

He says I have some ridiculous glorified vision of a perfect family decorating with music and all. What's wrong with that?

 

We've been married for almost five years with no kids and I don't think he sees US as a family at all.

 

Any ideas for the Grinch that stole Christmas? I want my Christmas back!!! What can I do when talking about it is not working???

[alphamale]

Originally posted by tigerlilly2004

Any ideas for the Grinch that stole Christmas? I want my Christmas back!!! What can I do when talking about it is not working???

 

Yes I have three ideas:

 

#1) have some kids

#2) get a new husband

#3) have some kids with a new husband

[indigo_moon]

are his views on Christmas this year, different than previous years or has he always been a Grinch?

 

If his family mean a lot to him and you can't afford to fly there to spend it with them, it's very likely he feels badly as man, a provider.....a failure as a son, brother, etc....feels ashamed and what they will think of him.......so if he acts like he doesn't care about Christmas it might make him feel better because then he can convince himself he's not missing anything.

 

Could he be depressed? Holiday times are very difficult for a lot of people....depression and feelings of hopelessness and emptiness..........

[tigerlilly2004]

Yes. His grandmother and his aunt have both died around Christmas time in the past few years. He mentioned something about that tonight and says I'm being selfish and only thinking of myself.

 

I told him you can't stop living when someone dies. He then told me that Christmas doesn't mean anything to him anymore.

 

I don't think it' about the money...he's been home three times this year already and this isn't new. We decorated last year because Christmas was at our house but we didn't decorate the year before because we were going to visit his family. The year before that it was like pulling teeth to get him to decorate. He said he doesn't see the point in decorating when no one is coming over.

 

I don't get it.

 

We're having some problems right now....we have no relationship because we work too much and do nothing together when we are home at the same time. We can't seem to fix this...but obviously this Christmas thing has been going on much longer than our current problems.

 

[Matilda]

Have you explained to him that decorating for Christmas makes you feel good? Have you asked him if the Christmas decorations make him feel bad? If the decorations aren't increasing his seasonal depression, then I think he should be understanding of your need to have them.

 

And it sounds like you do need to work on your marriage. Take a look at <removed> to get you started.

[HokeyReligions]

My husband never celebrated Christmas before he met me. I wanted that Norman Rockwell holiday season too. My favorite fantasy when I was single was to decorate a tree together and make love on the floor afterward, in the glow of the twinkle lights. Sappy, I know, but that was my fantasy.

 

I have not put up a tree or any decorations this year (or last year) for us because I just have not felt like it. I was buying into his not caring attitude last year and it was getting me down. I finally went out a few days before Christmas last year and bought a small 4' tree and some decorations for my mom's room (she lives with us) because I got royally pissed at myself for allowing him to ruin my Christmas. I decorated the tree in mom's room and put up a couple of other decorations and had the gifts under her tree. I just plain got angry and told my husband that he didn't have to celebrate but I was damned if I'd let him ruin my celebration.

 

He came around a bit and did celebrate with us. This year I'm not well enough to do the decorating and neither is he, so again we have the tree in mom's room. But it wasn't an angry defiant decision this year -- we just chose to decorate that way.

 

Don't let your husband's depression draw you in. YOU decorate if you want. Put the tree up or get a smaller tree this year, and YOU celebrate. Play christmas music and bake cookies and if he wants to grump around, let him--but don't join him. He needs to see that Christmas can still be fun and joyful and hopefully he will be thankful that he has you now and not be so focused on who is gone.

 

Sometimes being supportive of someone means not doing what they want to do or participating in their depression.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

1. Put up a tree

2. Play Christmas music

3. Light alot of candles

4. Pour yourself a nice glass of eggnog

5. Tell him if he doesn't like it he can leave

[guest25]

You are both working long hours, having other issues, and can't afford to see extended family for christmas.

 

My guess is that he is depressed, stressed out, and feels you are just trying to pile work onto his already busy schedule. I think the other poster has the right idea. Put a a small simple tree, light a fire, put on your favorite christmas music, get out some wine, put on your robe, and ask your husband to come share the christmas experience with you. If it becomes an activity that reduces stress instead of increasing it, he'll be less grinchy.

 

Take it from a grinch. I love christmas, but the extra stress often triggers my depression issues. Had to talk to my wife about scaling back expectations on decorating, gifts, etc a few years ago.

[guest]

My husband is the same way, we have been married for four years and every year he is less enthused about every holiday even birthdays. He grew up as a Jehovah Witness so holidays are not important plus his mom passed away the day after Christmas three years ago this year. I try to be patient with him but it is hard because Christmas was such a big deal for me growing up. The first few years of our relationship he really spoiled me with gifts on my b-day and Valentines, Christmas and our anniversary’s. Now he does nothing for Valentines Day and little to nothing for me on my birthday. Christmas this year he asked for a movie and nothing more. Of course I got him a few gifts more. He said e got me my present; a movie, which is sitting, unwrapped on our coffee table.

 

I hate to sound selfish. I feel like he wooed me and now there is no need to impress me or try any longer because we are together and married. It kind of hurts but I just have to be patient. I wish I had some advice for you. Good luck.