BS's Mother Approaching My Daughter

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Okay I need a little advice, or maybe just to talk through this. Those of you that know my story, know my dday was close to 4 years ago, names read in church, big scandal. Xmom and I have been nc for over 3 1-2 years - they do however live in a town close to us.

 

However xmom's mom and dad and his BS's mom still live in this town and still go to the local church. They treat me horribly when they see me. Generally they are kind to my daughter (she is 16) when they see her and that is fine, but for the most part there is no interaction which is probably for the best.

 

Well on trick or treat night this year, there is a house where these people hang out and give out hot dogs to the kids - they were there helping with this. My daughter walked by and began talking with one of the other ladies there - not wanting to appear to be rude she said hi to xmom's parents. Then she said that xmom's mother said "come here I want to show you something" and began to show her pictures of xmom's two boys - showing her how they had grown.

 

My daughter was a little taken aback and upset. We have worked hard to protect her - obviously you can't protect them from everything, but xmom and his wife got to escape it all - they never come back to anything - we have to live here and unfortunately this action by her served to stir up pain again.

 

This came on the heels of xmom's father approaching my husband about 4 weeks ago and hugging him and telling him he missed him.

 

I have two ways to look at this - maybe they are finally realizing some of things that were done in the fallout were more damaging than they should have been and they are sorry for the way they acted and are trying in their own way to move toward forgiveness or I can look at it as a manipulative way to hurt me through my daughter - this is the one that concerns me the most.

 

I have thought about writing her a note and explaining how I feel from a mothers perspective - I mean I know that neither of my parents nor my husbands would pull their little 9 year old to the side and start showing pictures of my family.

 

Please help me sort this out...

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Oh and I want to point out this isn't the first time something like this has happened. A year after dday the bs drug her boys to a booth my daughter was working in at the local festival so she could see them - my daughter was very upset about that. And then another time about two years after the bs did happened to be at trick or treat (hasn't been there since) and both boys who would have bed 7 and 2 at the time came running up shouting my daughters name - that was disturbing because the youngest one should never have known her name.

 

So to put context to this, we have always felt the bs used her own kids to harm me through my daughter.

 

This is why I am asking what I should do.

[yellowmaverick]

How is your daughter being harmed? Do you expect her to hide from people because of the shame that you brought to your family? Sounds like these people are just trying to be friendly - I highly doubt that a 7 and 2 yr old would have an ulterior motive.

 

She is almost an adult. Let her live her life and stop bearing your shame.

 

I feel for her. No child should have to live with this.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I didn't say they had an ulterior motive - the two year old shouldn't have even known my daughters name (he was a baby the last time she saw him). That was what was weird.

 

My daughter does not want to see pictures of the boys - she has had a difficult time processing all of it anyway and when things like this happen she gets upset - she absolutely detests xmom because of his cowardice and him never apologizing to my husband (who was his friend) and for throwing me under the bus and I could go on and on.

 

Yellow maverick - if you don't know my story please stay off my thread.

 

I am asking for help.

[trailrunner1975]

It is hard to tell her intentions, though it doesn't matter. Your daughter can declline to do anything someone asks her to, including looking at pictures. Don't feed the trolls by reacting to these people. If you both act indifferent about the whole deal I believe it will stop. As an aside, I too was a 16 year old caught in the middle of adult silliness. Dad left mom and his family turned on her. Got nasty too. I intervened and and defended her and wrote them all off. They tried to pull little stunts but I showed total indifference to them all. They finally stopped as we made sure to never react and ignore ignore ignore.

[Lemonitaz]

lilmisscantbewrong, I don't know your whole story other than what you've posted on this thread. But from the above description of what happened, I'd personally be hesitant to assume the worst. What do you think their reaction would be if you wrote a letter? I think if you did it would need to be carefully crafted so as not to offend anyone, in case you are way off in their intentions, the letter itself could make them mad and make the situation worse?

 

I don't know. I think if it were me, I would not write a letter. I would focus on empowering your daughter that if she is in that situation again for her to just SAY whatever is happening is making her uncomfortable, without anyone making a big deal out of it. It's kind of a good learning experience anyway... of how to handle yourself and your reactions when you are in an uncomfortable situation.

[harrybrown]

I would try to do the 180 on them and not contact them.

 

I am hoping that your daughter is able to not have to run into them in the future. It is hard to be that young and having to deal with this mess.

 

By contacting them, it could lead to more drama. I would tell her she does not have to say hello to them at all, if she is in that bad situation again.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I will post what I drafted - it hasn't gone anywhere and still may not - but it felt good to get it down on paper even thought it may not go anywhere.

 

Thank you weski - I think I do have a real good gauge on what is truly happening - that the point is to punish me through my daughter. But you know what? It's been almost four years and it is time for it all to be done and over. I want them to just leave me and my family alone - the same way I have left theirs alone.

 

I don't have the note on me right now, but I will post it in a couple of hours and you can give me your opinions.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I would try to do the 180 on them and not contact them.

 

I am hoping that your daughter is able to not have to run into them in the future. It is hard to be that young and having to deal with this mess.

 

By contacting them, it could lead to more drama. I would tell her she does not have to say hello to them at all, if she is in that bad situation again.

 

Unfortunately running into them is always a possibility because other than the xmom and his wife, they all live here in the same town as we do. Hard to get away from it.

 

I truly do now understand why some families choose to up and move away. There are two sides to it though - starting all over somewhere new where no one knows anything or staying (which is what we had to do under our circumstances) and facing it all. I can say that by doing that I am much stronger and for the most part (for the community and everyone else) it's over and everyone just wants it forgotten. It is their parents who continue with the drama.

[Snowflower]

 

Thank you weski - I think I do have a real good gauge on what is truly happening - that the point is to punish me through my daughter.

 

Why do you feel they are trying to punish your through your daughter? By showing her pictures of xMOMs boys? What would be the point or the punishment in that?

 

I mean this kindly, but perhaps this is not all about you. Maybe they think your daughter knows these little boys or something-through your church, perhaps.

 

Talk to your daughter about it. Ask her how she feels and go from there. At 16, she can learn how to diffuse awkward social situations on her own.

[underwater2010]

I have read your back story and posted on your threads many times.

 

I do not see where exMOM's mom was trying to hurt you or your daughter. You have said that your families used to be close and it being a small town, I am sure that both sets of kids have interacted minus the baby. Sounds to me that she was being friendly and trying to be nice to your daughter. I am sorry it upset her, but this is a great opportunity to let her know that she does NOT have to interact with them other than a friendly "Hi".

 

As for the 2 yr old knowing your name....we have discussed it before. BW and her WH probably discussed things without realizing that little ears hear everything. A mistake on their part, but not your issue to worry about.

 

I would be against you writing a letter. No need to stir the pot anymore. Talk with your daughter and leave it at that.

[velvette]

I wouldn't send a letter.

 

Not really sure why this hurts you/your daughter or why you would think it was done to hurt.

 

Your daughter said hi first not like she was approached. Maybe it was just an effort to be friendly either genuinely or in a face saving way in front of others? Weren't you complaining before that she ignores your daughter and that hurts? Have you said that to others who may have repeated it to her?

 

Maybe its as simple as a bragging grandmother. Seems like there would be lots of other more pointed ways to hurt you or your daughter if that was the intent.

 

As for the 2 year old, he was probably just mimicking his brother.........or told to say hi to "daughters name".

[janedoe67]

I'll probably lose my "F" for this.

 

Yes, it is possible that this grandmother really is clueless enough to think it is just nice and friendly to take ONE teenager who just happens to be your daughter and show her pictures of the children of the man you had an A with.

 

But I doubt it.

 

YOU are the one who cheated, and yes, that was wrong. I use the past tense because your affair is, in fact, IN THE PAST. Yeah, it was wrong. BUT your daughter didn't do it....and let's be real, not EVERYTHING anyone does after an A is simply traced back to the one who cheated. That is such a blameshifting oversimplification. If this adult grandmother wants to stick it to you through your daughter....that speaks to HER character, not yours.

 

No matter how many people whine otherwise.

 

Then again, maybe she was trying to be nice. I mean, from the little you have shared it sounds like you went to one of those "public spiritual discipline" churches which means you have probably been wearing a permanent scarlet letter in your little town and always will regardless of your new life. I know how both those churches and those towns work.

 

Your daughter knows you - she has lived with the you that has changed. Take comfort in that.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

]Below is what I drafted. It has not been sent and may never be.

 

I have sat on this for a few days really thinking about howI wanted to approach you with this. Please know that I am only doing thisin the most humble, respectful way that I know how so as not to cause anyfurther pain or hurt. However, it is from a mother’s perspective that Iam writing this

 

It has recently come to my attention that during trick ortreat there was an interaction between you and my daughter in which you shared somepictures of son1 and son2. While I know that you may have been doing thisas a proud grandmother and from the standpoint that Jo might be interested inseeing how the boys have grown over the past few years, you should also knowthat this type of interaction really only seems to open up old wounds. Even though my daughters very mature for her age, she is still just 16 years oldand, unlike son1 and son2, has a very vivid memory of the events of a few yearsago and she still hurts. She would always be polite and never rude to anadult, so I would imagine she wouldn’t tell you that this was a difficultencounter for her. I guess the only way that I can paint an analogy isthat neither of my parents or my husband's would pull son1 to the side and begin toshow him pictures of our son and his little girls or daughter1 or daughter2. They justwouldn’t do that because he has a tender heart. What I am trying to sayis that daughter2's heart is just as tender, even though she exudes confidence

 

Please know that this comes from a deep need to protect herfrom further pain. We are all fully cognizant of the loss of friendshipsand connections and are dealing with it the best that we can. We havemoved on and would like this to become something in the distant past, but it’svery difficult for that to happen when things like this occur. Unfortunately it is a little more difficult for us due to the fact that we haveto live and work in the community so it is more “present” for us than it is for others

 

I think it would be a little easier and maybe more palatableif I had felt that I have received forgiveness from you and your husband, butunfortunately I do not feel that way. My family is an entire package andwe have been very hurt by various things that have been done in the fallout. I am fully able to accept my part and accept the coldness and angerand even accept the fact that I may never being forgiven, but my kids and myhusband should never have had to endure those things. We have alreadylost lifelong friends and even family due to my stupidity. It will mostlikely take a lifetime of “penance” to begin to win fully back the love andtrust of my family and we are getting there. I understand that and accept it.

 

I am thankful that you are kind to my daughter and to myhusband – I truly am – I would want nothing different. But please, in thefuture, consider her feelings when you think about sharing what is going on inyour son & daughter-in-law’s life

 

In time, I do hope you will be able to forgive me

[underwater2010]

Don't send it. Let sleeping dogs lie. This isn't about you or the affair. It is about someone trying to be kind to your kids.

 

I am sure you felt better writing it though. It is very therapeutic. Hugs and realize that things will get better the further along you go.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Why do you feel they are trying to punish your through your daughter? By showing her pictures of xMOMs boys? What would be the point or the punishment in that?

 

I mean this kindly, but perhaps this is not all about you. Maybe they think your daughter knows these little boys or something-through your church, perhaps.

 

Talk to your daughter about it. Ask her how she feels and go from there. At 16, she can learn how to diffuse awkward social situations on her own.

 

Of course she knows the boys - we used to spend a lot of time together. Our families were close. But why is no contact supposed to be enforced on our side but yet it doesn't have to be enforced on their side?

 

Also, my daughter is a very strong person, but she detests xmom and really doesn't want to hear anything regarding them anymore. The BS ended up using her as a prop to get to me early on. It upset her. It upsets her more that it seems to be continuing 4 years later.

[underwater2010]

This is the problem when affairs are perpetrated within an inner circle. NC is to be directed between you and MOM. Even between the BSs and the APs.

 

You cannot control the emotions/actions of others in regards to NC. You both put them in the catch 22. You cannot want them to not ignore your daughter in breath and them punish them for including her in another.

 

If your daughter does NOT want to interact with any of the family anymore, she doesn't have too. She can stay home from church on sundays and just keep walking when she sees them.

 

Look, I am a mom of three and get furious when anyone messes with my kids. But you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. This is a great opportunity to teach your daughter the ADULT way to handle things. In just a couple of years she will be on her own and needs to learn how to deal with all the things life is going to throw at her. Have faith that she can handle this and be grateful that you both have such a great relationship that she can come to you when she is upset. Let her fix this!!!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I wouldn't send a letter.

 

Not really sure why this hurts you/your daughter or why you would think it was done to hurt.

 

Your daughter said hi first not like she was approached. Maybe it was just an effort to be friendly either genuinely or in a face saving way in front of others? Weren't you complaining before that she ignores your daughter and that hurts? Have you said that to others who may have repeated it to her?

 

Maybe its as simple as a bragging grandmother. Seems like there would be lots of other more pointed ways to hurt you or your daughter if that was the intent.

 

As for the 2 year old, he was probably just mimicking his brother.........or told to say hi to "daughters name".

 

She only ignores her if I am around. They seem to approach her if myself or my husband is no where near - like she has no defense or anyone to protect her.

 

Although with what has happened the last few weeks, it will be interesting to see how they treat me the next time I see them.

[Snowflower]

Of course she knows the boys - we used to spend a lot of time together. Our families were close. But why is no contact supposed to be enforced on our side but yet it doesn't have to be enforced on their side?

 

 

Okay, but your daughter-and I'm so NOT blaming her-did acknowledge the woman. Yes, your daughter was being polite, she sounds like a sweet girl but hey, if you want to use the NC rule then please make sure your daughter knows that she shouldn't acknowledge anyone from xMOM family in any way.

 

But wouldn't you have also been upset if this woman had rudely snubbed your daughter?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Okay, but your daughter-and I'm so NOT blaming her-did acknowledge the woman. Yes, your daughter was being polite, she sounds like a sweet girl but hey, if you want to use the NC rule then please make sure your daughter knows that she shouldn't acknowledge anyone from xMOM family in any way.

 

But wouldn't you have also been upset if this woman had rudely snubbed your daughter?

 

That has been the norm for the last few years so we would have chalked it up to just the way it is. Wouldn't the appropriate response be "hello" back and then leave it at that - not "come see pictures of the boys?" This makes no sense to me.

[velvette]

She only ignores her if I am around. They seem to approach her if myself or my husband is no where near - like she has no defense or anyone to protect her.

 

Although with what has happened the last few weeks, it will be interesting to see how they treat me the next time I see them.

 

Nooooooo.........don't send that note. It screams "all about me"

 

Look, as others have said you cant have it both ways. These people want nothing to do with you as a direct result of your actions. You are a pariah to them and maybe that will change, maybe it wont.

 

You cant control contact between all your extended family friends....either when/where it happens or what is said/done.

 

You assume they try to get your daughter alone.......maybe that's the only time they are comfortable being friendly. Its not like they sought this contact out as your daughter initiated it.

 

If she doesn't want to talk to them tell her how to ignore them.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Nooooooo.........don't send that note. It screams "all about me"

 

This is more what I was looking for - some help here.

 

I guess there is still a great deal of hurt in my heart (as you might or might not be able to tell). If I was going to send it, I also wanted her to see that I am not heartless - I know how this has affected their family as well - I understand that it was my actions that caused it.

 

Maybe because I have never been able to have closure in this matter? or maybe because I have to face it daily in my hometown.

 

I don't know - I am in tears now.

[underwater2010]

Nooooooo.........don't send that note. It screams "all about me"

 

This is more what I was looking for - some help here.

 

I guess there is still a great deal of hurt in my heart (as you might or might not be able to tell). If I was going to send it, I also wanted her to see that I am not heartless - I know how this has affected their family as well - I understand that it was my actions that caused it.

 

Maybe because I have never been able to have closure in this matter? or maybe because I have to face it daily in my hometown.

 

I don't know - I am in tears now.

Don't cry.....it been over long enough. Take the scarlet letter that you have placed on yourself off and raise your head up. You have taken the shots and bounced back.

 

What exactly is the closure you are looking for? The affair is over, you have your family and have not repeated the same mistake.

[velvette]

Nooooooo.........don't send that note. It screams "all about me"

 

This is more what I was looking for - some help here.

 

I guess there is still a great deal of hurt in my heart (as you might or might not be able to tell). If I was going to send it, I also wanted her to see that I am not heartless - I know how this has affected their family as well - I understand that it was my actions that caused it.

 

Maybe because I have never been able to have closure in this matter? or maybe because I have to face it daily in my hometown.

 

I don't know - I am in tears now.

 

(((((LilMiss))))))......sorry, wasn't trying to make you cry.

 

But.......seems it is all about you.......no? So, the real reason not to send the note is not to use your daughter to make yourself feel better or engage in some further drama than what has already gone on.

 

As people frequently say, closure is overrated. What would that even be anyway?

 

Closure comes from within. Have you done any IC?

 

One thing I have noticed is that you seem to ascribe bad motives to XMM his BS and his family whatever is going on, but you never have anything except the best? Are they really that horrible or just humans bumbling through what has surely been a horrible sitch for all involved?

 

If you are going to stay somewhere where you come in contact, I think it would be better for you just to let them be and assume they are doing the best they know how. For them, it would probably feel disloyal to their DIL to be nice to you...I dunno.

 

You need to accept that whatever friendships you had with this family are likely gone forever. Be civil. Move forward and forge new friends......maybe with newcomers to your town who don't have to choose sides or branch out to a nearby town.

 

As for your daughter, rather than fueling her negative thoughts to XMM mother, you're really missing an opportunity if you don't take responsibility for your A being the cause of all this....maybe you did....guess what I am saying is focus positively rather than negatively.

 

Sometimes I think you latch onto this drama because you miss the A or XMM and this is a way to keep that alive? Maybe I'm wrong, but I get that sense a lot from your posts.

 

I actually think it is all this underlying stuff you need to deal with rather than who is doing or saying what today.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You may be right. Yes, I have had IC. It has been a very hard road. We have done the things you have suggested - joined a new club, met new people, surrounded ourselves with supportive, loving people.

 

There are still a few difficult things that we still don't understand ( one of our life long friends choosing to cut off contact with us and become best friends with xmm and his wife and also our niece and nephew doing the same) - this we will never understand, most likely. But I have come to be at some sort of peace with it.

 

Do I miss him? I suppose there are times I do - but not the affair - just the friendships and such PRIOR to making all of the horrible mistakes I made. That is the hardest and what is most missed - even my husband says the same.

 

How I ended up the sole bad guy in this, I will never understand.

 

But anyway - thanks all for your help and advice - I appreciate it.