BS's Mother Approaching My Daughter

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds as if you are focused on controlling others. You want to know what you can do to modify their behavior.

 

I think you should focus on controlling your own reactions, and coping with the fallout of the affair. You need to get a handle on your emotions & learn how to guide your thoughts away from this subject. You can also model this behavior for your daughter, and teach her how to cope with uncomfortable situations.

 

The things that you are focused on are minor interactions, and most people would let them go without so much as a fleeting thought. You want to know what they said, what their motivation was, what it means, etc. You will never know what is going on in their heads. All you can do is decide how you will react.

 

Others have no obligation to bite their tongue or modify their behavior because you are emotionally fragile. Your emotional health & well being is YOUR responsibility. If you need positive feedback & kindness, then surround yourself with family & friends for support. It is unrealistic to expect the family of your affair partner to care about you or your kids.

 

I think if you contact them, they will think you are being ridiculous. I'm not trying to trivialize your concern, but I don't think it will have the outcome you are hoping for. I think you should let it go and keep your distance as best you can. Focus your efforts on you & helping your family cope with this.

[velvette]

You may be right. Yes, I have had IC. It has been a very hard road. We have done the things you have suggested - joined a new club, met new people, surrounded ourselves with supportive, loving people.

 

There are still a few difficult things that we still don't understand ( one of our life long friends choosing to cut off contact with us and become best friends with xmm and his wife and also our niece and nephew doing the same) - this we will never understand, most likely. But I have come to be at some sort of peace with it.

 

Do I miss him? I suppose there are times I do - but not the affair - just the friendships and such PRIOR to making all of the horrible mistakes I made. That is the hardest and what is most missed - even my husband says the same.

 

How I ended up the sole bad guy in this, I will never understand.

 

But anyway - thanks all for your help and advice - I appreciate it.

 

 

YW....its sad when you lose friendships; and your family being friends with XMM is a little odd........maybe in time you will find out.

 

For now, focus on your new friends.....maybe put some extra effort into cultivating those.

 

Not sure why you think you are the sole bad guy. I'm sure xMM parents are mortified by his behavior and how it was dealt with in your church. Likely, they are not announcing that to the town though.

 

In the end though it really doesn't matter what others think. What matters is that you uphold your own standards of behavior.

 

Hang in there and maybe work on a way to shrug some of these interactions off. If you aren't moving, they will always be there and its not healthy to spend days thinking about them.

[The Way I Am]

Of course she knows the boys - we used to spend a lot of time together. Our families were close. But why is no contact supposed to be enforced on our side but yet it doesn't have to be enforced on their side?

 

Is there some sort of formal NC agreement? If not, then no, it doesn't have to be "enforced" on any side.

 

Also, my daughter is a very strong person, but she detests xmom and really doesn't want to hear anything regarding them anymore. The BS ended up using her as a prop to get to me early on. It upset her. It upsets her more that it seems to be continuing 4 years later.

 

Is anyone but you and your daughter aware of this? Have you told them the exact words that your daughter is upset by hearing about xMOM or his family. If the families used to be close, and no one has told the others that she gets upset hearing about them, then it's not necessarily malicious of someone to want to show a person who used to play with their kids but hasn't seen them in awhile pictures of them now.

 

This seems to fly in the face of what was supposedly upsetting your daughter not that long ago. You said she was upset that these people were ignoring her, and you considered that to be their way of using her to get to you.

 

Now they talk to her and you're upset. What do you expect them to talk to her about if not the grand kids who are around the same age as her. It's not like a grandmother and 16 year old kid have much else in common.

 

It just seems like these people can't do anything right. In your eyes, everything is an offense against you. You've said you live in a small town, so you should either move or suck it up and stop reading into everything they do, don't do or say.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

They ignore her when I am around and then they approach her when I am not - she is getting mixed signals.

 

Not possible to move - husband's business is an established business that cannot be moved.

 

The grand kids are anywhere NEAR the same age as her. Maybe ask about what she is doing? Ask how things are at school if you are going to engage in conversation, but the first move should not be to run to get pictures of XMOM's kids.

 

It is unfortunate.

[yellowmaverick]

Do not send the letter. Just talk to your daughter and assure her that they did not mean any harm. Then just let it go. If you don't want your daughter to.give this any head space, then you have to do the same. Your daughter will take her cue from your reaction.

[imfine]

I think you have every right to try to protect your daughter any way you see fit. She is not an adult, she did not do anything wrong and the family that already humiliated your family should stay away from her. Yes, you had an affair but so did their precious son. I wouldn't send the letter, but I would inform them that you prefer they not approach your daughter unless you or your husband is present. I would do this in the presence of your pastor, a trusted friend, someone. Enough is enough.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think you have every right to try to protect your daughter any way you see fit. She is not an adult, she did not do anything wrong and the family that already humiliated your family should stay away from her. Yes, you had an affair but so did their precious son. I wouldn't send the letter, but I would inform them that you prefer they not approach your daughter unless you or your husband is present. I would do this in the presence of your pastor, a trusted friend, someone. Enough is enough.

 

Thank you for this.

[The Way I Am]

The grand kids are anywhere NEAR the same age as her.

 

They're like 2 & 7 you said. Your daughter is about 16. To people the age of grandparents, there's not much difference.

 

Maybe ask about what she is doing? Ask how things are at school if you are going to engage in conversation, but the first move should not be to run to get pictures of XMOM's kids.

 

You can't control what type of conversation anyone has or tries to have with your daughter. My point is that it COULD be completely innocent. Is there a chance they're trying to mess with her and you? Sure. Neither you nor any of us can know what other people are thinking.

 

But if they are trying to mess with you, all you're doing right now is allowing them to succeed. You can't change what other people do. All you can change is how you react to it. You can choose to stop seeing everything as a slight and stop letting it bother you. You can choose to set an example for your daughter and teach her that more healthy approach as well.

 

You didn't answer my questions. Have these people ever been told that hearing about xMOM and his family upsets your daughter? I'm going to guess from the lack of answer that it's probably a no.

 

I hate to seem like I'm telling someone else how to parent, but instead of getting mad about what their motives might have been and thereby possibly making it more stressful to your daughter. Why don't you explain to her that there's no way to know what motives are truly in another person's head. And let her know that next time, when someone is doing something like that that makes her uncomfortable, it's okay to politely tell them that what they're doing upsets you. Then if they continue to do the thing you're asked them not to, at that point it's ok to get upset. It's not fair to others to just assume that because they're doing something you don't like that they're doing it on purpose.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You didn't answer my questions. Have these people ever been told that hearing about xMOM and his family upsets your daughter? I'm going to guess from the lack of answer that it's probably a no.

 

 

sorry I didn't see this before. I doubt they have been told because for one thing they refuse to speak to me so I haven't had an opportunity.

 

You make some very valid points - and you are right - we cannot assume what is in someone else's mind at all. I guess with everything that has happened in the last few years, my mind is very cynical and I always jump to the worst possible conclusion because many times if has turned out to be just so.

 

I would like to think that maybe this (and an interaction that happened between xmom's dad and my husband a few weeks back in which he hugged him and told him he missed him) are the beginning of some healing and letting go. I guess time will tell.

 

Thank you all for your help.

[Journee]

I think a lot of times people just want things to just go back to the way things were before major trauma. Even if it's just for a moment. Just like that hug your husband received. For a split second I bet that felt familiar to one or both of them. Almost like before. Maybe it was the same with the grandmother? Before all of this your D might had been pleased to see new pictures of the boy's? For that moment it may had felt like one of those days. I'm sorry it was uncomfortable for your D. I loved and was friends with my dad's AP's and kids too. It is very confusing.

 

Just love your daughter through this.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think a lot of times people just want things to just go back to the way things were before major trauma. Even if it's just for a moment. Just like that hug your husband received. For a split second I bet that felt familiar to one or both of them. Almost like before. Maybe it was the same with the grandmother? Before all of this your D might had been pleased to see new pictures of the boy's? For that moment it may had felt like one of those days. I'm sorry it was uncomfortable for your D. I loved and was friends with my dad's AP's and kids too. It is very confusing.

 

Just love your daughter through this.

 

This I totally agree with. There was a lot of loss, trauma and grief - like death. And I am okay if that is the direction we are going - maybe some real effort to let go and forgive and move on. And I think I would even feel better about it if they would treat me civilly as well - this is where the confusion lies. I don't know how to take it all because the signals have been mixed.

 

I guess time will tell.

[goodyblue]

You know, I don't care what anyone else says, your daughter is a minor. You are her parent. If you don't want those people speaking to her, you have thy right. It does not matter what their motives were, if it makes your daughter uncomfortable, you tell them in front of witnesses to leave her alone. If they don't, file harassment charges. She is a child and anyone who says she can handle it herself would be mistaken. It is difficult to stand up to an adult. You don't have to be made to feel uncomfortable. People make mistakes. Hang in there and protect your daughter. Best of luck!!

[crederer]

It doesn't sound bad to me at all. Honestly, the only reason it was uncomfortable for her was the position that YOU put her in. This is typical stuff. Showing pictures? Really not that bad and it doesn't sound like ther was any negative intent.

[ComingInHot]

e Established Member

 

Join Date: Oct 2013 Posts: 108

 

You know, I don't care what anyone else says, your daughter is a minor. You are her parent. If you don't want those people speaking to her, you have thy right. It does not matter what their motives were, if it makes your daughter uncomfortable, you tell them in front of witnesses to leave her alone. If they don't, file harassment charges. She is a child and anyone who says she can handle it herself would be mistaken. It is difficult to stand up to an adult. You don't have to be made to feel uncomfortable. People make mistakes. Hang in there and protect your daughter. Best of luck!!

 

Wasn't the daughter on the grandmother's property?

I Do agree though if it made for an uncomfortable stitch, a conversation should be had w/the daughter to help her try to avoid a circumstance like this in the future.

Sad affect A's have on children!

[goodyblue]

CIH, even if the daughter had been on the grandma's property, it is just stillborn ok yo approach her in such a familiar way ESP. In light of no contact. She is a child and should not have to deal with the fallout. My guys children are adults and I went out of my way to not hurt them unnecessarily. She is a child. The grandma should be the adult in the situation and not drag children into it. Jmo.

[velvette]

CIH, even if the daughter had been on the grandma's property, it is just stillborn ok yo approach her in such a familiar way ESP. In light of no contact. She is a child and should not have to deal with the fallout. My guys children are adults and I went out of my way to not hurt them unnecessarily. She is a child. The grandma should be the adult in the situation and not drag children into it. Jmo.

 

goody.....I think you need to reread. The daughter initiated contact by speaking to the exMM mother........and I doubt there is some NC rule in place with her.....she's probably never even heard of such a concept. Additionally, these people all had previous interaction prior to the A. You cant impose NC with a whole small town of extended family who apparently come in contact regularly. The grandma didn't drag anyone into anything.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

e Established Member

 

Join Date: Oct 2013 Posts: 108

 

You know, I don't care what anyone else says, your daughter is a minor. You are her parent. If you don't want those people speaking to her, you have thy right. It does not matter what their motives were, if it makes your daughter uncomfortable, you tell them in front of witnesses to leave her alone. If they don't, file harassment charges. She is a child and anyone who says she can handle it herself would be mistaken. It is difficult to stand up to an adult. You don't have to be made to feel uncomfortable. People make mistakes. Hang in there and protect your daughter. Best of luck!!

 

Wasn't the daughter on the grandmother's property?

I Do agree though if it made for an uncomfortable stitch, a conversation should be had w/the daughter to help her try to avoid a circumstance like this in the future.

Sad affect A's have on children!

 

No she was not - it was not her property.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Just as an update, I spoke with someone very close to the situation, who was actually there, but a neutral party.

 

I am going to leave this alone for now. For the time being I am going to assume that her intentions were pure and she was not doing anything that was manipulative or inappropriate. I was assured that these people truly care about my daughter and keep up on her (they know her activities and my other daughter's as well - which is a little creepy, but oh well).

 

Anyway - I got a great deal of insight yesterday. So for now, I am letting it go and will wait and see if anything else happens.

 

Thanks to all.

[Raena]

Well good, it sounds like you found out that it wasn't really meant in a harmful way. Perhaps they just want to be friendly with her? Hope it all works out for you.

[ComingInHot]

lilmiss thanks for the clarification AND for being kind about it.

 

I sincerely hope there is NEVER a stitch like this for your daughter Ever again!! I can't even imagine.

 

CIH*

[lilmisscantbewrong]

lilmiss thanks for the clarification AND for being kind about it.

 

I sincerely hope there is NEVER a stitch like this for your daughter Ever again!! I can't even imagine.

 

CIH*

 

I appreciate that but unfortunately it is bound to happen again - no way to really stop it short of moving away.

[Pastypop]

Next time they approach your daughter, tell her to do a half wave and take off. If they try to show her pictures, she needs to tell them she doesn't have time (or care too) and walk away. If they approach her at a school function or where she's working, she needs grab someone and tell them she is going to the bathroom and leave. They will eventually get the hint.