battered woman syndrome?

[blind_otter]

You all may or may not remember my story. I was pregnant by my exboyfriend, who has a drug and alcohol problem, due to a failure of birth control (condom). The pregnancy was stressful, we attempted to reconcile, I miscarried in the ER and no one could find my ex-BF - he was out drinking and smoking crack, I later learned.

 

The last time I spoke with my ex was saturday morning. We argued. I said things I shouldn't have said. I have been having nightmares about the birth and the fetus slipping out of my hands. It is affecting the rest of my life more and more each day, and I am going to therapy and receiving medication for post-partum depression. I brought up the fact that he had been smoking crack while I labored for 10 hours and he became enraged. He went into the bathroom in my home and punched another hole in the wall (there's also one from him in the hallway), and he ripped wallpaper off the walls. I was crying, I also blamed him for my stressful pregnancy and said that if he hadn't been around or had been a decent human being I might have been able to carry my child to term. This may or may not be true. I shouldn't have said it.

 

Saturday was teh 2 week anniversary of my miscarriage, I was deeply depressed. I was balled up on the floor crying so hard I sounded like an animal. He stood over me and kept nudging me with his foot and telling me to "get it together" "grow up" and "shut the **** up, just shut up!"

 

He left soon after that because I couldn't stop crying hysterically. I calmed down and slept. My friend came over and hugged me and she brought me to her house and made me a chicken sandwich with avocados for dinner because I love avocados. She got a movie and we drank a bottle of wine, and went out for coffee afterwards. We came back around 1am and drank a beer and talked for a couple of hours. She left.

 

The next day another friend came over to hang out with me in the evening. I suspect they are drawing straws for shifts to "watch" me because they are all worried about me. He was also very affectionate toward me. He held me in front of the fireplace and was comforting, not sexual. He rocked me and we talked and he made me feel better because my exboyfriend has made me feel so ugly for so long.

 

After around 7pm the door was being pounded on. I opened it a little to tell my exboyfriend to go away at leave me alone. He kicked the door in and grabbed me and shook me and then threw me against the wall and ran into the living room. I got up and followed him and he was strangling my friend, who was on the ground grabbing at my exboyfriend's arms and hands.

 

My pitbull saved the day. He jumped into the fight and bit down, HARD, on my exboyfriend's arm, and then started shaking his head. This 70 lbs. dog somehow dragged a 230 lbs. man across the floor. My friend stood up and walked outside.

 

I followed him and he was in the driveway calling the police. He looked at me and said, I know you won't do this, but it has to be done.

 

When my exboyfriend heard that the cops were coming he left because he was arrested a week ago and just recently got bonded out by his mom. He is still out there they havent' caught him yet.

 

My friend is pressing assault charges. I am supposed to get a restraining order and press charges for home invasion, which potentially has a life sentence here in my state.

 

I don't understand myself. I should be angry at him. I should hate him. I should be protecting myself. Thank god I have a big dog. I don't want to press charges or get a restraining order. I don't know why. I don't understand this total lack of feeling anything about this situation. I was shaking and smoked a pack of cigarettes last nigth - i haven't smoked a cigarette since 2002. but i didn't cry. I wasn't feeling anything, really.

 

So much has happened in the last 2 weeks. I am still numb over the loss of my pregnancy, and the way that I miscarried the baby and let it just slip through my hands after I delivered it in the bathroom at the ER by myself. I am deeply depressed and having a hard time functioning at work or even at home. Now this happened. I felt like my life was threatened, honestly, I am frightened of my exboyfriend. But I am not angry at him. It's as if there is something inside me that won't let me be angry at him. Like I am so scared of him that I won't let myself be angry? I don't know. I don't know myself, I don't understand why I can't be strong and just do what I have to do.

 

I should have gotten the restraining order weeks ago. He has been violent in the past, and has punched me, spit in my face during arguments on numerous occassions, and degraded me and humiliated me in public. He is not a decent person, not a decent human being. If I had had a restraining order he would be in jail as soon as they find him. As it is he has time to plan whatever he wants, and the police told me to stay at someone else's house, so I am staying with a friend.

 

I need to get it together. I am going to start therapy today. My mom is helping me pay for it because my insurance won't cover mental health. I am embarrassed to admit this weakness in myself. He talks to me and tells me to do things and I am rubber, I bend to his will, I have absolutely no resistance to him.Why? How can he have such power over me? He isn't extra smart, or extra handsome, or extra anything. He is manipulative and very charming. But other than that, a normal person. How can I allow this man to have so much power over me.

[Debster]

You have been put through the wringer, and I don't envy you that. However, you have been lucky enough to have developed some strong friendships. They care about you and they are worried. It seems, with very good reason. If you don't press charges, this will be your life until he does end up in jail. In time, I bet your friends will drop off because they will be to upset to see you turn into this weak woman who gets bullied and harrassed.

Please, please think about your future. Press charges and rid this man from your life.

[moimeme]

Don't just get a restraining order. If he isn't jailed, move. Someone smoking crack is demolishing his brain. He's turning himself into a monster who will eventually destroy you. Thank heavens you're getting psychological help. Please tell the counsellor everything - don't hold back. You absolutely must cure yourself of your addiction to this person because he will kill you in the end.

 

Is it at all possible you're self-destructive and are committing 'suicide by violent abuser' the way some people end up committing 'suicide by cop'?

 

ABSOLUTELY press charges. This man will be better off in jail because he's only going to get killed or die. It will be the best thing you can do for him because at least in jail he'll be alive and safer than on the street. Plus remember that he could also be violent and hurt or kill someone else if he's allowed to remain out - and how would you feel then when you have the power to stop him?

[Matilda]

blind otter,

 

You are another woman on this forum, that is so obviously smart, but is making some very poor choices. But, I am also a smart woman who married an abusive man, so I know how things like that happen. I divorced my abusive husband, and am now married to a wonderful man.

 

You need to follow the advice the others have given you. Get this man out of your life. Start thinking about what you want out of your life. I get the impression that you would like to be married and have a family. Is your boyfriend really the type of man you want for your child's father? Start thinking, start writing things down, put down on paper all the things this man has done to you. Write down all the things you want out of life, what you want from a man. Stop letting this man manipulate you and abuse you.

[Weird]

Wow.

 

I just find it incredible how seemingly intelligent women like you get involved with worthelss wastes of semen like your ex seems to be. I just dont get how things like that happen but I am not trying to judge. I just hope you truly see this guy should not be alive anymore and you can move on with your life, get away from his abuse and be happy because you deserve to be happy and deserve real love.

 

I feel sorry for you and I would give you a hug if I could.

[Barby]

Oh....I am familiar with your story... He is a worthless piece of waste...he's too low to even be considered a "man"

 

 

Girl you've got to think of your own safety, he's a nut case, he tried to strangle your friend! What would have happened if your dog hadn't helped your friend? You wouldn't call the police and this crazy person could have killed your friend and then you as well.... He needs to be locked up for a long long long time!

 

 

 

I'm sooooooooooooooooooo sorry that you lost your baby, I wish there was something we could tell you to end your pain as far as that is concerned but nothing is that easy. I know this will NOT make it better but you have to know everything happens for a reason. (by no means does this make it okay) but you would have been tied to this sick crazy idiot for the rest of your life and so would this innocent child!!

 

 

He is VERY insensitive, nuts, mean, and dangerous.........PLEASE PLEASE get a restraining order or get yourself into a new place and don't keep contact with him. He is NOT sane...crack or not I think this goes beyond a simple drug problem...I don't doubt that the crack brings things out in him, but I have a feeling he was nuts to begin with!

 

 

PLease girl save your own life and do what needs to be done so that you won't be harmed by him further!

[blind_otter]

There's no way I can avoid it. I feel guilty though, for no apparent reason. I spent 2 hours at the therapist yesterday. It felt like a relief to be able to explain all the feelings I have, in detail. She advised me to press charges and said that I am engaging in self-destructive behavior. He left several messages on my home phone, from various pay phones. Apologizing, begging me to talk to him, saying he could think of nothing else but me, how bad he felt, asking what charges were being brought against him. I didn't talk to him at all but it makes me feel bad. THen again Ithink he is so distraught because of going back to prison, so they are crocodile tears.

 

I was at my friend's house. I'm staying there until further notice. It's awfully cold, though, he has no heat. My friend is out of town until January but has told me to call him every day to make sure I am ok. It was a good thing that he was here the first night, though, I couldn't fall asleep on my own and had to sleep in bed with my friend. I just needed someone to sleep next to me I was still scared.

 

I still don't understand this paralysis of mine.

[Matilda]

After a violent episode, when he was feeling contrite, my ex-husband said something to me like (Iwish I could remember his exact words), "If you loved me, you'd want to help me." And for some reason that worked with me. I guess I thought I'd be a "bad person" if I walked away from him, and didn't try to help him. But of course, I couldn't help him, the only one that could help him, was him, and he wasn't interested in doing that.

 

Anyway, you need to let go of that guilt. I know I felt guilty after I made my ex leave. He had to go live with his parents, and he tried to make me feel bad about that. He didn't have much money, blah, blah, blah. Well, you know what, that wasn't my fault. It was his fault. He was the one who was violent, in front of our infant daughter, no less.

 

You can't help a person who is trying to destroy you. He is trying to drag you down into the hole he is in. You can't let him.

 

When I was in counseling during my marriage with my ex, the counselor had me read some books. One of them was "Co-dependent no more", and there was another called "Dance of Anger" I think. Those books helped me to rearrange my thinking. Ask your therapist if she could recommend some books for you, there may be some better ones now, or some more appropriate for you.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Matilda

After a violent episode, when he was feeling contrite, my ex-husband said something to me like (Iwish I could remember his exact words), "If you loved me, you'd want to help me." And for some reason that worked with me. I guess I thought I'd be a "bad person" if I walked away from him, and didn't try to help him.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I chose to study psychology for a reason. I have a "helping" personality - although it has become an enabling personality during the course of my last relationship. It's like I feel as though I have sunk so much of myself into him. Even though in essence, nothing is different about him, he has become more out of control since he has been with me. I wonder why ostensibly intelligent, well-educated women find themselves in these situations so often. I wonder how I let it get this bad, and why I allow myself to live in fear.

 

The therapist said I am clinically depressed, and she thinks, from my short history, that I was probably depressed even before I was pregnant, and the postpartum depression pushed me from being functional to being almost non-functional. I guess the depression is causing the un-nameable paralysis that seems to seep through my very bones. I find myself going into weird trances during the day, starting off into space with my shoulders slumped, snapping back to reality after 5-10-15 minutes of vacant staring.

 

I am occassionally so overwhelmed by this that I feel like I can't even move. I am glad to have some place to get written responses because I am no longer verbose, and have developed this inability to express myself verbally in a complete or contiguous way. I brought a series of written statements to therapy because of this.

 

I feel this ache inside. How could I have let myself sink so low? How could I have let this person trap me for so long? How could I let him fool me so much.

[Matilda]

I feel this ache inside. How could I have let myself sink so low? How could I have let this person trap me for so long? How could I let him fool me so much.

 

The good thing about this, is that it stops here. You aren't going to let him do this to you any more. And, you're not going to let anyone else do this to you either. You are going to get your depression treated. You are going to figure out what it is about you, that makes you vulnerable to being with this type of man. There are much better days ahead.

 

You are smart, capable of taking care of yourself, and you will get out of this. Right now, try not to focus on the past. Don't think about what a horrible person you are to have gotten into the situation you're in. (This is not true, btw, it is just part of the distorted thinking.) You are not going to be that person anymore. Think about living the life that you want to live, that will be healthy for you.

 

You can do this.

[moimeme]

He left several messages on my home phone, from various pay phones. Apologizing, begging me to talk to him, saying he could think of nothing else but me, how bad he felt,

 

You do realize this is part of the classic pattern of abuse, right? There's the good time, then the abuse happens, then there's this 'honeymoon' where they apologize profusely, promise they'll never do it again, even cry. Then there's another quiet time - and more abuse. Please don't fall for it any more. He may sincerely want to change, but he is unable to control himself and therefore will not change.

 

What's wrong is that you see his good points and you appreciate them. No human is one hundred per cent bad and therefore it's not as though you love someone who's totally without merit. However, what you must continue to tell yourself is that, despite his good points, his bad points outweigh any goodness he has and may actually result in injury or death to you or someone you love. So you must, albeit reluctantly, give up what you do appreciate about him.

 

Do yourself a favour. Write down every bad thing he ever did or said to you. Then, when your heart begins to long for the good points, read the list over and over to remind yourself of all the bad. You'll never help him by staying with him - he's too ill.

[blind_otter]

The cycle of abuse - the honeymoon period. This is so true. This is exactly how it woudl happen. He would go crazy, leave, then come back and everything would be great for a few days. Then the cycle would start all over. And he would always say, I will change. This is not good, you deserve better, blah blah blah. If I deserve better, why couldn't he give that to me.

 

It was systematic, the way he isolated me from friends and family, all the while saying that one day he would "prove to them that he was a good person" by treating me better, the way he would drag me down with insults and cruelty, spit on me, call me a fat bitch, a slob, a slut - things I was embarassed to admit because he played on my low-self-esteem.

 

There has always been that voice in the back of my head, telling me I'm ugly, stupid, weak, unworthy, that I deserve to be punished because I can't do anything right or good, I deserve the be treated like a dog because that is what I am - what I was made for, to be the whipping boy for the pain that others feel inside themselves. How did he hear that silent litany in my head? How did he know exactly how to make me feel like I belonged to him?

 

When I was 19...when I was raped, the guy got off of me and paced around the bed, telling me I was dirty and used, now, and no one good would want me, that he had taken away part of me and I would never get it back, that he would always have power over me now. I remember it. I always do. It is like that is happening to me again and again.

[Barby]

Blind Otter...The man who raped you was a pig, he didn't "take anything" from you, he violated you in a very very awful way but he has no power of you. Only you have power of yourself (even though I know at this point it probably feels that you don't). Please hang in there, I wish I was close enough to give you a hug.

 

 

How did he hear that silent litany in my head? How did he know exactly how to make me feel like I belonged to him?

 

You know I think all abusers have this "ability" it's very common in men who do these types of things to be able to single out low self esteemed, very unsure of themselves, abuse survivors...(IMHO escaping an abusive marriage before myself).

 

You will overcome this I have no doubt, clearly it won't be an easy road but you have to know that you can do it. I'm so glad that you are staying somewhere else. You are NOT a "bad person" you are a sane person who won't allow someone to ruin your life and maybe eventually end up ending your life...

 

 

Girl at least you went to a therapist and are starting on the right path. Good luck and please please write as much as you need and know we'll all be here for you!

[quankanne]

my heart goes out to you otter -- I can't even begin to imagine losing a baby, but just know that we're here to hug you and hold your hand when you need us, okay?

 

as for your ex, I think that maybe, just maybe, you're letting yourself begin the healing process by asking yourself questions and by letting it out (with us and with your therapist). Don't stop communicating about how you feel -- it's a mucky process, but gradually, gradually, you start to understand it's a part of healing, and that you're on your way to becoming whole. Don't get discouraged by what one shxthead put you through: you're incredibly special and beloved because you were made that way, and no one, NO ONE can take that away from you. Ever.

 

I know some communities have grieving groups, where people who have lost loved ones gather together for moral support. In my town here in East Texas, a woman who lost her child came up with the idea to start a children's park for those families who have gone through the same ordeal. It's a beautifully designed place where families can just go and be, creating good memories to cherish along with those of loss. You said it's hard even just talking with people right now, but you'll find a way to share what you feel inside, and that is what helps the healing along. And maybe sitting in with a group will help alleviate your sorrow some ...

 

you and your little one are in my thoughts and prayers today; I am truly sorry for your loss, but remember, your baby gives you the opportunity to love openly and with abandon even though he or she isn't physically present.

 

hugs,

quank

[blind_otter]

He knows just how to hurt me, the worst way.

 

My Dad told me that true love is knowing exactly how to hurt someone in the worst way, but, even in the heat of anger, choosing NOT to hurt them.

 

He called me and said that he wanted to try to have another baby with me, that we need to have this, to make it work. It was sick, sick sick sick, how can he even think that, I was listening to the message, speechless. He calls from various payphones, I don't know if he is even still in town or not. Probably, he is. I loved that baby inside me, even for just a few months, I loved it, I would do everything in this world to protect any child I have, I would kill to protect my child.

 

It just shows me how sick he is, how confused and crazy he must be, to have this distorted thinking, to think I would ever let him have a baby by me ever again. How can I be so compassionate?

[Barby]

He called me and said that he wanted to try to have another baby with me, that we need to have this, to make it work. It was sick, sick sick sick, how can he even think that, I was listening to the message, speechless.

 

 

Sorry but exactly, this shows how disgusting and ill in the head he must be!

 

He was telling you to "Shut the f*ck up" when you were crying about your lost baby. WHY in the world would he think you'd be ready to "try again" OMG how insensitive and sick!

 

Please sweety stay away from him, don't talk to him, does he know you're staying at your friend's house?

 

ALSO he couldn't be a decent father, he can't even be a decent human being! Please I beg you for your own safety don't give in to this man!

[blind_otter]

No, he doesn't know where my friend lives, and luckily my friend lives on the polar opposite side of town, far away from the areas that my ex might be frequenting. It just gets worse and worse when I think about it. I feel overwhelmed. I am dealing with grieving for my lost pregnancy and I feel like there are too many emotions inside me right now. I can barely cope, or compensate. My friends that still do talk to me, seem uninterested (aside from the one who was attacked by my ex) - my bestfriend was nonplussed. Said she wasn't surprised, was sorry to hear that had happened, hopes I figure out what I want soon.

 

I wish I hadn't alienated so many people, now. I wish I had been stronger.

[quankanne]

exactly-precisely, you've hit the nail on the head: his way of thinking is warped. Not offering to give you another child (in and of itself), but failing to realize that he's capable of harming you AND a child because his brain is misfiring!

 

keep stepping away from it, mentally and physically -- you're been able to see things as they really are, again showing that you're slowly healing.

 

it's one thing to feel compassion for him and his misguided offer because you know he's not fully thinking this through, and a whole nother thing to buy into it. And it sounds to me that you're beyond buying into what he's offering.

 

How can I be so compassionate?

 

because you're basically a kind-hearted person, is my guess. And there's no shame for being compassionate to even an ass-monkey like him (note to self: thank whoever coined THAT term because I've finally found use for it). You'll just have to separate that compassion from picking up with y'alls unhealthy relationship so that you continue to heal ...

[quankanne]

don't dwell on what might have been, or you'll really manage to flip yourself out -- just take heart in knowing that right here, right now, you're doing something for yourself. And sometimes that's all it takes, you know?

 

My friends that still do talk to me, seem uninterested (aside from the one who was attacked by my ex) - my bestfriend was nonplussed. Said she wasn't surprised, was sorry to hear that had happened, hopes I figure out what I want soon.

 

maybe they don't have a point of reference to work with? The combination of abusive relationship and miscarriage can be daunting so someone who doesn't even know where to begin. Give them time, their common sense will continue to kick in -- though their keeping watch with you is a very loving action.

 

otter, I think you could be really pissed with yourself for putting up with the ass-clown for so long that it's dragging you down even further than just the miscarriage alone. please seriously consider getting into a grief counseling group to help you work through how you feel. And ask your doctor about medication to help alleviate your depression. I went through a pretty trying time last year, and it was my doctor who helped me help myself when he understood what I couldn't find words to tell him about how I was feeling. Anti-depressants don't completely solve what's going on, but they bring those brain fluids to where they need to be so that you can do what you need to do.

[SoleMate]

blind otter, you have been through SO MUCH PAIN! It is not surprising that you are numb...that you can't feel the self-protective anger you should feel. Let your IRL and LS friends feel that for you, for now. You just need to be safe from this violent, destructive person, and give yourself time and permission to heal.

 

I'm sorry that some of your friends aren't really stepping up. Are you sure that you alienated them? Is there any chance that you yourself have been so numb, so shut down, and so much in denial that you have not really communicated to them what you need? My observation is that hurting people often have lots of trouble asking for help, and others aren't usually psychic enough to know what is needed. But when you finally get the strength to ask for specific, reasonable help, 97% of your friends and even acquaintances will be happy to give it to you. Just learn to ask.