JustAGirl Posted January 18, 2001 Share Posted January 18, 2001 Hi! Thanks for your responses to my previous post "gay bf??" Well, here's some more info... cuz i am really confused about what to do with this guy right now! by the way, he is kind of crazy, and he's usually very open with me, and i appreciate his honesty but sometimes he tells things i wish i didn't know... the day after the "gay experiences" discussion, he said he did more strange things, but he's afraid to say cuz he's afraid I'd change my mind about him. of course, i got curious and made him say it: he used to shoplift in iran. He says it was only minor stuff - like chocolate from a supermarket... but it made me feel strange... understandable, right? also, he said he never does it anymore, and that he became a totally new person when he moved to canada from iran (at age of 14 or 15)... i said that i don't see how a person can change drastically like that, but obviously never got a clear explanation... other stuff i wanna ask for advice on: (sorry, it's a lot, but i really appreciate your help, right now this is not something i'd wanna discuss w/ friends/parents) anyway, we're at the same university, and we both know this girl "mary"... she's a nice girl and all, he met her in his class and both of us talk to her in our classes... the strange thing is that every time he talks to her w/out my presence, he later re-tells me everything(?) they talk about. (guilt??) ... also, he said a guy who knows that we're going out, saw him and "mary" talking, and was looking over at them all the time... is he surprised cuz my bf is flirting w/ "mary", or what?? I don't know how to resolve this - i don't mind "mary" being around, she's an interesting person, but the last thing i want is for her to steal my bf (i'd much rather dump him myself if i decide to do so ) Thanks!!! - JustAGirl Link to post Share on other sites
Yumi Posted January 18, 2001 Share Posted January 18, 2001 I would say, put events in a person's past behind them. We've all done things that we regret... I have, I'm sure you have... maybe yours aren't that major, but the fact is everyone has things in the past that they're not proud of! However, it sounds as though you don't trust this guy... maybe you're just getting bad vibes from him, myabe there's actualyl some truth to your suspicions... I don't know the guy so I can't tell you! But I do know that trust is one of the most important aspects to a relationships... the best relationships are the ones where you don't NEED your man to tell you that he doesn't shoplift or that he's not flirting with other girls because you trust him and his integrity. If you don't trust him you need to take a break from the relationship... tell him you need to be apart for awhile, a week or two, so you can think about the relationship... are you getting what you need? Do you feel that you can trust your boyfriend? Do you love him? Do you forgive him his past? If you say no to any of those questions you need to find someone to whom all those things do apply. Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel Posted January 19, 2001 Share Posted January 19, 2001 I wouldn't worry about the shoplifting thing. He probably has made some mistakes in his life and feels very guilty and now is ashamed. He is trying to relieve his guilt by telling you. However, I would tell him that you dont' want to talk about his past anymore because it makes you confused compared to the person he is today. I think many men(more than you would think) have had homosexual experiences. You read about it all the time. I remember a statistic about 70 percent. However, I believe this guy is very immature. He is treating you like a buddy and telling you things he is kind of dealing with inside. Like guilt and shame. I think you need to wonder is he is a mature guy. He doesn't sound like he's had a lot of experience with women, whether in platonic experiences or romantic. So, if you like him, set some ground rules, be patient and then see what happens. As far as the Mary woman goes, dont' worry about what other people say. To somepeople, seeing them anywhere together, i.e. having a cup of java, etc. may come across as flirting. I think you are over analyzing the whole situation a bit much and tormenting yourself. He sounds like a nice guy who has done some weird things. Tell him you dont' want to know about negative things about his past and that its none of your business. Also tell him that you understand he hasn't had a lot of female relationships and that he needs to learn that you dont' "disclose" all. He probably thinks that he is being honest with you by telling all. People's sexual pasts are not anyones business but their own. Link to post Share on other sites
catt Posted January 19, 2001 Share Posted January 19, 2001 isn't there anything from your past that you might be a little ashamed of? think about it really hard . . . if your answer is no, you have lived a very sheltered life. perhaps you could try to learn a little more about what his life was like in iran. i can tell you firsthand that it is an incredibly conservative, strict and suffocating society. maybe his 'experience' with other boys at school was just a way of acting out, of rebelling, of trying to take control of his own life in the midst of an ultra-conservative society that literally FORCES you to conform. surely his shoplifting was! you can honestly get a hand chopped off for shoplifting in countries like iran and iraq. everyone has a few skeletons in their closets. i think you should either cut him some slack or just break up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Deejette Posted January 19, 2001 Share Posted January 19, 2001 It's kind of nice that he tursts you enough to tell you all about himself. But it sounds like you don't really love him, because if you did, you would not say what you said in your last line: "(i'd much rather dump him myself if i decide to do so )" It seems more important to you that your ego doesn't get messed up by Mary than if you really lost him as a boyfriend. Hi! Thanks for your responses to my previous post "gay bf??" Well, here's some more info... cuz i am really confused about what to do with this guy right now! by the way, he is kind of crazy, and he's usually very open with me, and i appreciate his honesty but sometimes he tells things i wish i didn't know... the day after the "gay experiences" discussion, he said he did more strange things, but he's afraid to say cuz he's afraid I'd change my mind about him. of course, i got curious and made him say it: he used to shoplift in iran. He says it was only minor stuff - like chocolate from a supermarket... but it made me feel strange... understandable, right? also, he said he never does it anymore, and that he became a totally new person when he moved to canada from iran (at age of 14 or 15)... i said that i don't see how a person can change drastically like that, but obviously never got a clear explanation... other stuff i wanna ask for advice on: (sorry, it's a lot, but i really appreciate your help, right now this is not something i'd wanna discuss w/ friends/parents) anyway, we're at the same university, and we both know this girl "mary"... she's a nice girl and all, he met her in his class and both of us talk to her in our classes... the strange thing is that every time he talks to her w/out my presence, he later re-tells me everything(?) they talk about. (guilt??) ... also, he said a guy who knows that we're going out, saw him and "mary" talking, and was looking over at them all the time... is he surprised cuz my bf is flirting w/ "mary", or what?? I don't know how to resolve this - i don't mind "mary" being around, she's an interesting person, but the last thing i want is for her to steal my bf (i'd much rather dump him myself if i decide to do so ) Thanks!!! - JustAGirl Link to post Share on other sites
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