Trying to understand why people do what they do

[Weird]

MJ, Heels, Sukotto, Steve, Atlous, Doc Jones, etc

 

Hey guys, here is the new thread.

 

So lets figure out why people do what they do, meaning why do people give up good relationships for no logical reasons. Couristy perhaps? That is my guess.

 

Thoughts guys

 

Oh and MJ...

 

I don't hate all women. I know there are some good ones like you. Just find it funy how women seem to think if a guy wants to talk to them it means he wants to hump them. Pretty silly if you ask me.

 

Sorry about your friend. *hugs for you*

[Squid Jigger]

Well, when I want to talk to a pretty woman, it does mean that I want to hump her.

[Punky918]

Heylo, i know this post wasnt adressed to me, but i feel the need to put my 2 cents in

 

People do what they do because, they are insane...its all mental im telling you, people let their imaginations rule their hearts...if they sense one little problem in their relationship they think its bad and then they let their mind go crazy with things..ok well this is how i feel, hope it brings some insight.

 

By the way not all women think if a guy wants to talk to them it means he wants to hump them.

 

Have a great day

[Weird]

Agree with you punky. Nice handle. I used to call my ex punky as she did to me. My mom calls me punky sometimes too. hehehe

 

Oh and this thread is for anyone;)

[tattoomytoe]

yeah...people are nuts....some just as nuts as others, that is why some people think they are normal!

 

sometimes i get scared cause things are going too well. yes, it sounds crazy..like i said earlier, but it for me a self condemnation technique. Cannot have things too good for me....... i am not worthy!

But really i am worthy....but i tend to nut-out and think at times i am not.

 

it is hard to specify why exactly people make the choices they do, there are soo many different circumstances behind everyone's choices.

[djones]

Hey Guys,

 

Wierd, damn good question, I dont know why people throw away a good reltionship, I was thinking the exact same that tattoomytoe said...some people feel that when something is good, that it will be taken away from them or its too good to me true and instead of waiting (that they believe will ultimately happen) they would just sabotage the realtionship....It boggles my mind to why people think this way....I sometimes think thats what my ex did we broke up for realy not a good excuse by her....but who knows....p/s guys I did get that kiss from the new girl, I had a post up but it was junked so I will add it here if i can so you all can get the scoop.....

I hope all are you well, and I hope we find each other.....right now I want to let you all know what happend on my date with the new girl....Guys I had an excellent night, we were supposed to go to my best friends chirstmas party, but we did not end up going...we were just caught up in the moment with each other and I think we were just too selfish to share each other with anybody else....we had not seen each other for a week and change due to her exams last week...that was cool....well we had dinner and just talked and talked had just had fun after we went to a club that played 80's retro music and she just looked so cute last night and we kind of danced well I was behind her and just holding her like around her waist and just rocking back and forth....it was so cool....we had good time...after we left bar....we got to my car....and when we got in the car....she leaned over and gave me a kiss !! we started to kiss for awhile...it was so fun....

 

Weird this is a good topic to expand on

[beejsea2]

I look forward to the answer to your question Weird.

 

I know that I'm a good person and I think the biggest problem I have is trying to figure out why my ex left me and why he thought we were bad for one another!!

 

The thing that I know is that I'll still be the same caring person I've always been...I guess I just might not be so trusting after this!!

 

I wonder sometimes maybe if I wasn't so "good" that he would have stayed or did I try too hard to make a good home/relationship!

[Weird]

Doc,

 

congrats on the kiss man!!! Glad to ehar your night went well

 

I am thinking you and tattoo are correct...many people just can't accept something good is happening to them so they pull the plug without any reason. It is odd. I am totally diff you know? If something is good I cherish it rather than think it will just be pulled away from me although these days I do expect the worst but hope for the best.

 

beejsea,

 

that is the key thing...trying to figure out why the relationship ended. You sound like an inquistive perosn like me and not knowing why is frustrating.

 

How about sharing some updates here about your situation or at least providng links to the threads on it. I am curious to read about it. Thanks:)

[SpaceCoyote]

If anyone ever listens to Loveline with Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla, they often talk about relationship sabotage. It frequently happens (although I am sure not always) with people who have had bad family situations growing up. That could mean someone who came from a broken home, or was abused by one of their parents, or just didn't have a good relationship with their family at all. I'm not a doctor or anything so maybe this isn't the best explanation, but I think the end result is that people with these backgrounds don't have a feel for being in a good relationship. It's almost like they are uncomfortable with a good relationship or someone who treats them well. And they subconciously are waiting for something bad to happen, so they sabotage the relationship and push the other person away before it can happen to them.

 

It's not a catchall explanation...just something else to think about.

[Sukotto]

I prefer the opinion that they think the grass is greener and just throw in the towel as they want to go experience something else. Once they enter that frameset very little can be done to convince them otherwise, hell I asked my ex last week if the weekend away we took just after our break up done anything. She basically said no, her mind was made up and nothing could have changed it.

 

To be honest I should have seen the original breakup from a mile away, but your mind just shurts out the idea of the relationship ending. The tell tale signs were there but its easy to make excuses, oh she's probably busy or just tired. A pair of rose tinted glasses that prevent you from seeing whats really happening.

 

Now everyone here is basically grieving the loss of what was at one point a good companion, someone you thought you could spend the rest of your life with, <insert romantic soppy statement>. Then like a drop of a hat they turn into a robot, be it with work, school or some other commitment.

 

I've started up the no contact with my ex for tugging on my heart strings, i came out and asked her why she'd been ignoring me the last week and she said that she was back to being confused again and was sorry for leading me on. She said she didn't know what she wanted. So i decided to tell her than nothing in life is guaranteed and you have to take some risks in a hope that some happiness results from it. I told her that I still cared for her and missed her company. Her reply was that she didn't want to hurt me and to that I just replied that it was my problem to deal with any pain and not hers.

So no talking to her until Saturday when I drop by to see her briefly to give her the gift i've had for months, i'm not a materialistic person and the gift was bought with her in mind. Its a hand held document scanner, she has to read lots of books for her english / history degree and some have to stay in the library so scanning them will save her lots of time.

 

Heather tried to call me yesterday but I missed her call and well I can't be bothered replying to it, I already know what she's going to say. Her friend told me I was a great guy and she liked me and that she was just being a crazy person. I'll just opt for the ignoring her, the one problem is I'm looking at a flat thats in the same building as her, I think that might have to get rejected.

[bigacesteve]

Nice one Weird starting this thread. Just when I needed to tell you all what has been happening this weekend they close the flippin thread.

 

MJ,

Sorry about you losing your friend. I lost one of my best friends nearly 2 years ago. He was a very loud, energetic, fit and healthy lad, full of life; he'd even given up smoking for 2 years. Found himself a girlfriend and was ready to move in with her. He died whilst running on a treadmill. He was only 25. Gutted me then and it still does now. When I'm really down I think of him and how lucky I am to be alive. (6ft 7 lad with tears in his eyes)

 

DrJones,

Good lad kissing the new woman.

 

SpaceCoyote,

Very interesting idea 'relationship sabotage'. Both my last 2 ex's didn't get on with their fathers at all. No abuse I'll stress. Both of them said the same thing which was spooky. They said I was way too good for them and they didn't deserve someone like me. They both had no self confidence and it didn't matter what I said to try and boost this and reassure them; they just seemed to get worse the better I treated them. Maybe that's it, I need to be a b4stard.

 

 

Anyway... I was supposed to be going out for a drink and a chat with the ex Sunday night....

Got a text message from my ex Sunday afternoon saying that she was very sorry she couldn't see me that night. She was going to do another night shift (nurse) because she needs the money. The message also said we'll go out another time. I rang her today, she answered but didn't say anything then the call dropped. Sounded like she was at work.

 

I'm a little puzzled... She said she was working Friday and Saturday nights; she then did Sunday night instead of seeing me. When I rang it sounded as though she was at work then. She works her normal shifts during the week at the hospital. There's either some porkies being told here or she's working herself to exhaustion?? I know she doesn't get paid a lot because she's a student nurse, this is why she does the weekend shifts for extra money. She's renting a place and it's costing her a lot. She moved out to get away from her Dad and sister (nutter).

 

Earlier I sent a simple text. "Tried ringing you earlier, phone was answered but I got rejected twice. Are we still good? Steve"

 

Still waiting for a reply. Hope she's not messing me about but it looks that way to me.

 

P.S. Had my police uniform fitting last week. I'm one mean looking muther*****er in plod threads. Come on 31st Jan 2005!!!

[Weird]

i came out and asked her why she'd been ignoring me the last week and she said that she was back to being confused again and was sorry for leading me on. She said she didn't know what she wanted. So i decided to tell her than nothing in life is guaranteed and you have to take some risks in a hope that some happiness results from it. I told her that I still cared for her and missed her company. Her reply was that she didn't want to hurt me and to that I just replied that it was my problem to deal with any pain and not hers.

 

Sheesh, nice of her to do this crap again. Sorry you had to deal with her doing that crap. Seems like right now you have some women issues with those two confused broads. Feel for you bro!

 

One thing about my ex...I think she has issues dealing with things not going totally her way and when they dont she runs away. She told me iin mid Oct that her childhood was basically perfect and with that admitted she can't handle things not going her way. Only child in that family...seems like her folks didn't teach her that life won't be exactly what she wants. Oh well, not my problem. I think she honestly expects that someday she will find a guy and have the perfect conflict free relationship and well, she is going to crash and burn thinking that way. Again, not my problem:)

 

 

 

Steve,

 

Wow, that is crazyabout your friend. Sorry to ehar that even though it was 2 years ago.

 

hahaha nice about the police uniform.

 

Damn man, wtf is up with your ex? Seems like another case of an ex saying something then backing out of it at the last minute. It seems that she may be jerking you around. Looks like she is still acting like the workaholic. She can join Ali (my ex) and work themselves into exhaustion. I realize she may need the cash but it seems wrong in my mind to break off things with you like she did. Guess she figures she can and it won't bother you.

[Sukotto]

I think they can't make up their mind because they have a very serious condition called being female, it causes them to say one thing but mean something else. Its also the same condition which causes them to tell you a time to meet but what they really mean is take that time and add a random number multiplied by 2 to it. It affects every member of the population to some degree.

 

So steve does that mean if I get pulled over for speeding and an exceeding large policemen steps out I should just presume its you and smile nicely?

 

I think i've decided to give up on the female species until after I find and move into my new flat, will save me time and money.

[XNemesisX]

Well I think that a lot of people get out of good relationships because...well how can I put this....its either one of the following options:

 

1. They found someone else they are interested in.

 

2. They have the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome

 

We might think its a good relationship in our perceptions..but they may not. But its usually for one of the above 2 reasons I think.

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Weird- Good job on starting this new thread, lets see if we can get another 600 or even more, ok?

drjones- Well done my brother!!! Im proud of you. You have made alot more progress than I have. take it slow with this new girl and have fun, ok?

 

Anyways to answer this question. I really have no clue. I ask myself that everyday and I come up with so many different ideas but in the end it comes to a " I just dont know" You see as you all know I loved my ex with all my heart and I still do till this day. I would have given her the last penny to my name if she needed it. I firmly beleive that she was my soulmate however im just not hers nor will i probably ever be. So why do they live. Sure maybe they feel that they can find better or they met someone new. I myself try to not beleive that because it only makes it hurt more, you know? Some know why there ex's left and then there are some like me that really dont.

As for me, im doing ok. Im just staretd a four day tour at work so it kinda sucks but atleast it keeps me from sitting at home and dwelling on the past. I tried to fall asleep but thoughts of her kept keepiung me awake. You see you all know that she moved and that whole story. Some feel that i might speak to her again others dont. Some feel that ours paths will cross, others dont. I realized today that the chance of me every seeing my ex again since she moved is slim to none unless she ever comes back. You see before she moved i know that i would be in her town in the future, but know i dont know. That would suck. I would give anything just to see that face agin or hug her and hold her tight. Even if we were just friend i could hug her, but know that she moved that will NEVER happen and it hurts. I have no new number, no address, nothing. So what to I do. I know just move on but i cant. do you think i will ever hear from her again or was the last phone call the last. Anyways im going to try to get some sleep, Take Care....................Kodiak

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by SpaceCoyote

If anyone ever listens to Loveline with Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla, they often talk about relationship sabotage. It frequently happens (although I am sure not always) with people who have had bad family situations growing up. That could mean someone who came from a broken home, or was abused by one of their parents, or just didn't have a good relationship with their family at all. I'm not a doctor or anything so maybe this isn't the best explanation, but I think the end result is that people with these backgrounds don't have a feel for being in a good relationship. It's almost like they are uncomfortable with a good relationship or someone who treats them well. And they subconciously are waiting for something bad to happen, so they sabotage the relationship and push the other person away before it can happen to them.

 

It's not a catchall explanation...just something else to think about.

 

 

Hey, pretty interesting point. I will have to ponder this.

 

My theory is that people just don't know what they want and grow up with the conventional idea of a lifetime of relationships that fail and fail and fail and fail and .... never stopping to think that time apart could yield to a concerted effort to be together again and grow together and all of that good stuff. My ex and I have had "mini breakups" or pseudo-breakups where one of us threatens the other, and then we cry and make up. But we never really spent time apart. That changes a lot, you know, and we could have a great relationship. But no, we have to play games and be stupid and refuse to work on it.

 

Also, a negligence to learn about and deal with the fundamental differences between men and women in manner of reading "Mars, Venus" or similar or at least talking about it. MAYBE, just maybe, I am not insane as my ex would like to think, I do NOT have too many problems ... I just deal with problems by TALKING about them in manner of every female on planet. My ex always insisted that we were the same, the same, the same, that he is not a stereotypical guy, etc. etc. etc.

 

It is in times like these that I sincerely wish I were homosexual.

[beejsea2]

I've been thinking about the question alot since this was posted the other day. Some of you may know my story..ex left while I was away from work left a note, moved out of State etc etc.

 

I know I'm a good person and maybe he left because I was a good person and he knew that he would always be the jerk he is??? We talked about marriage but as long as it was talk and nothing more he was okay with it. Sometimes I think he had a commitment issue and he never truly talked much about his childhood and we lived together for four years but now when I look back he seems like a complete stranger to me.

 

Two months ago when he first left I couldn't imagine going on without him. Now I know the best thing for me is to carry on and keep improving on myself and life. I have so much going for me that I don't need him to validate me. Do I still love him?? Yes like someone else mentioned in a post I loved him with my heart and soul. We both talked about being soulmates. Maybe I'm the only one that really meant it and he felt he had to say it??

 

He told me he was in love with me first...I told him that I was flattered but I wasn't going to tell him something that I wasn't feeling at the time...maybe he pursued me more because I didn't fall head over heels in love with him at first.

 

All I know is that I believe in Karma, and what comes around goes around. I don't want revenge or anything like that. I'd like to know the reasons why he was a coward and ran off, I'd like to know how a week before he leaves we're talking about marriage and the next week he only cared for me but didn't love me.

 

I guess my question to add on to this topic has a bad experience changed a person to where as the next relationship that they were in they become the "bad" person???

[Weird]

I just deal with problems by TALKING about them in manner of every female on planet. My ex always insisted that we were the same, the same, the same, that he is not a stereotypical guy, etc. etc. etc.

 

It is in times like these that I sincerely wish I were homosexual.

 

 

hahaha you really are a female me because I have made the "sometimes I wish I were homosexual" comments before.

 

As for all women on the planet talking things over...HA. Come meet my ex. Come meet other gus on this site's exes. They don't talk stuff over. In fact of all my male friends who recently broke up it was the woman who refused to talk things over and work stuff out. They were the ones that jsut ran away because things weren't movie style perfect.

 

You are correct in saying many people don't learn stuff or grow while apart and that prebents reconciliation.

 

People are just flat out LAZY I think and that carries over into relationships. Why work on something that you know can be good when you can just go find someone/something else? That is, sadly, the mentality of humans these days and for people like us who want to work things out and stuff get screwed.

[Sukotto]

The thrill of a new person to meet and get to know is usually temptation enough, talking to each other and attempting to resolve the problem would be too simple. Also half of the time they can't even describe themselves what the problem is.

 

Though the next problem is that we're all relatively young and its most likely the first serious relationship and well you learn from your mistakes. You might find the next relationship works out better due to past experience, though the longing for the ex takes time to subside.

[Weird]

beejsea,

 

damn that was cold of him to leave that way. I have no idea how people can talk about marriage and all that jazz a week before they break things off. This happened ot a friend of mine last month. Him and his girl were talking about marriage and then a week later (maybe elss) she breaks up with him. Just makes me shake my head.

 

It is good to hear you are bettering yourself without him. I'd give you a hug for the crap you have gone through if I could.

 

 

 

kodiak,

 

damn son, you need a group LS hug:( I am sorry to hear that you are so depressed and I wish I could make it go away. I have no idea if you will ever talk to her again but I am confident that if it was meant to happen it will. All you can do is go about your life with the thought she is gone for good and you need to heal.

 

Feel free to hit me up with a PM or email ([email protected]) if you ever need to really vent and want someone to listen. I'm here for you bro.

 

 

 

Sukotto,

 

dude I have given up on the female species for the time being. Too mnay headcases out there:D

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Weird

 

So lets figure out why people do what they do, meaning why do people give up good relationships for no logical reasons.

 

Sometimes because the relationship that one person sees as 'good', the other person does not - but never shares the reasons why. It may seem like they are stepping away for 'no reason', but trust me. They have reasons. You may never know them, but they do have reasons. They may not be reasons you like or want to hear, but there are always reasons.

 

I was with a guy for 4 years in college some years ago. It was one of those 'sure things' - dating, pinned (he was in a fraternity), engaged, graduation and then marriage. Then we'd move to the beach where he would work at the base and I would teach high school. Then we'd live happily ever after. What did I do? I left him just before graduation for someone else.

 

Everyone in my family thought I was nuts for leaving such a 'good guy' and a 'sure thing'. But you know what? I just didn't love him in the way that people need to love each other to be married, and I could not find the words to tell him that. I ran off with someone else - someone who summed up everything that I was running away from with the first guy.

 

My family was horrified. I had broken up with my long term steady, upstanding, military 'fine young man' to be with a liberal poli-sci major with a penchant for being a slacker and a coffeehouse haunt. He was everything that the first guy was not. And yes, it ended badly - but at the time I was deliriously happy to be breaking out of that trap - that obligation that everyone wanted but me. How do you tell people that though? How do you look your family, friends, and your fiance in the face and tell them that you are rejecting what they think is best for you in lieu of what you think is best for yourself - when your entire life you are taught that being selfish is bad? So what do you do? You walk away from that 'good relationship' with absolutely "no logical reason".

 

I tried to picture a bleak lifelong obligation in a marriage that I wasn't really into and I bolted straight for another guy with no reasons given to anyone. It sounds heinous, but it was for the best. He and I (and the guy I broke up with him for) all have have happy marriages now. Much more so than we would have EVER had married to each other.

 

It isn't nice, and it isn't fair to just drop something that seems to be going so well with no reasons given - but it does happen. Sometimes it helps to see it from both sides of the fence.

[Weird]

so pretty much you broke up with a good guy and a good relationship to rebel against those who were sure it was a good thing and also because you (probably) had thoughts that you could find something better/more exciting. See, I don't find that a logical reasonbut I understand it in a way sicne it seems what many people do. Come to think of it, feelings/love arent logical so really, relationships arent based on logic so it is sorta silly to look for logical explanations...I know this but I still try.

 

It is great to hear it all worked out for you and the guys invovled...I like that.

 

Is your husband more like the 1st guy or 2nd guy?

[GreenCap]

Now that I am the path of healing, thinking of the ex less and less. I find that perhaps no one was at fault for the breakup just that as Lucretia said, the magical ingredient wasn't there. I may never know why she ran out on me and will marry this new bloke she's only known for 3 months (not sure if I really believe that but it is not my issue anymore).

 

Thanks Lucretia for your story. I believe that part of my hurt and unable to let go was the lack of closure. Perhaps she was sparing my feelings by not telling me what the issue(s) were but that brought on more damage then good. Also, prior to her leaving, she had said nasty things about my not loving her, not treating her right etc...so that really messed me up.

 

But reading other members' postings, time going on, I am more at peace with myself now and I hope that all of you out there will be able to as well. No need to think of what goes around comes around, or getting even (I was thinking this just last week) or cursing them. Once you are able to forgive and forget, then you will be able to let go...and for your own sake....find a way before this pain and hurt eats you up. It took me three months to get to this stage...and experts say, it usually takes 12 months to get back to normalcy. Don't count the days, just live one day at a time and embrace the relapses and embrace the moving ons.

[Weird]

Once you are able to forgive and forget, then you will be able to let go...and for your own sake....find a way before this pain and hurt eats you up.

 

Totally agree.

 

I wish I could snap my fingers and get everyone who is early on in the healing process to be where I am right now.

 

I'd love to spare the pain for people but at the same time I realize the pain is needed for one's growth and it is in actuality a good thing to experience.

 

The only thing I guess I can tell people is that I have been there, know how much it sucks and also know it gets better and life still goes on.

[LexiB]

Hey All!

 

I missed so much on here. (School hes SERIOUSLY been kicking my bootay )

 

Weird, I agree 100% with the laziness theory. My ex for example, even told me that he felt like he "didnt know how to make me happy anymore". Now, did he bother to find out...? um, NO

 

Its not like I complained to him everyday about what a miserable SOB I think he is (ah, but how much fun it would be to do that now ). The point is , if he really felt that way, why didnt he ask if there was something special he could do for me or at least TRY to DO something about the situatiuon??

 

Its Ridiculous.

Im not even difficult to please and he knows this--he told me he liked that about me when we started going out, so...?

 

(Sigh) I better stop writing about this now Im starting to get upset (not sadness, more like wanting to stick a dart though his eye )

 

Hope theres a solid answer to this thread, though. In the mean time, what can you do, some people just suck.

Now Im wonderin how the ppl on this forum just happend to find them all?